...to ask how you knew you wanted DC?

[pinchpunch]

I want them (haven't yet had any) but can't explain why. Something to do with feeling strongly that I want to create a secure, loving family of my own.

Other people's babies are cute and it's nice to play with them for a while, but I don't come away desperately broody. Not yet 30 and not really at a point in my life where I can see myself having any in the next year or two, but would like to think by 35 at least.

So, assuming some level of decision making/planning is going to go into this (appreciate there are things you just can't control), and knowing that it is not easy, how did you come to the conclusion that it was the right thing for you?

Did you ever consider that you might not have any? And if you didn't have any... what would you do with your life? Realistically.

Thoughts appreciated!

I was never massively broody but used to worry a lot about 'what if we never have kids'. Started TTC aged around 30 and then found it wasn't working and after a couple of years of that I really wanted it to work - but still wasn't 'textbook' broody, more, I'm really worried this isn't going to plan now. And while I wasn't completely sure I wanted a baby, I was surrounded by women in their 50s at work with grown-up kids and I knew I definitely wanted to look forward to that relationship in my life at that age.

A bit of treatment later, we had ds and all of a sudden I was absolutely obsessed about having another - despite difficult birth, sleep deprivation, demanding baby, relationship rocky, all the other difficulties that come with a new baby. I saw friends with second pregnancies and it physically hurt me to think I might not have another - like a punch to the gut. A completely different experience. I pretty much insisted on starting TTC again when ds was not quite 1, because, 'it could take years again' - and then, well, it didn't, and we ended up with 2 under 2 - which was even harder! It felt for some years like my whole life had exploded, everything was out of control and I was just massively struggling to keep up the whole time.

They're 5 and 7 now, and they are absolutely fantastic and the best thing in my life by far (and also still bloody hard work). And I am rock-solid sure I don't want another one, under any circumstances. I am enjoying life getting back to some kind of predictability again now!

I never desperately wanted children, always just assumed I'd have them so never really questioned whether I honestly really wanted them. I also assumed I'd be 30 before I'd find someone to marry me so wasn't really in a rush to think it through.

Then met DH at 21, whirlwind relationship - talked about DC on date 2 (he was very keen, I said I was but as I said just through assumption), married by 23, just thought "why the hell not" and came off contraception - immediate pregnancy meant I was a mum by 25 having never been broody in my life. DC2 only happened because I didn't want DC1 to be an only child.

I hit 30 last year and finally other friends are starting to have children - a lot of friends have seen me go through it (i had no other friends having DC so had to make my own new mum friends to get me through it, although having all those childless friends adoring over and babysitting my DC was lovely) and are starting to properly ask themselves if it's something they want. Some say yes, others see how tough it is and look at their comfortable lives and say no. I feel guilty moaning about motherhood to a particular friend or two who I know would give anything to have DC and have felt broody for quite some time.

I imagine if I'd got to 30 and was still single I would be panicking and at the end of the day WOULD have wanted children, but it's hard not to contemplate what my life would have been like without them seeing as I never desperately wanted them.

Obviously I love the bones of them, wouldn't be without them etc - but that's cos of the individual awesome people they are. I think I could ahve quite happily had a childfree life!

I am also absolutely rock solid definate I don't want anymore...Gave my 20's over to childbearing and baby rearing. Bring on the next stage and being able to take advantage of reclaiming my independance while relatively young as everyone keeps telling me I can

I knew absolutely that I only wanted two, never even considered having a third.

I have always wanted children and I didn't want to be an older mum. I have grown up around younger cousins and always loved being around them. In my ideal dream world I wanted my first baby around the age of 25. In my head I wanted to go to uni at 18, find the man of my dreams, move in together for the last year of uni, finish uni at 20 (I was a summer baby so would have turned 21 that August), save up, buy a house, get married, spend a year travelling, start trying for a baby and have a baby a year later.

What actually happened was that I had DS at 17. I went to uni, but dropped out after 1 term. When DS was around 18 months I started wanting another one but wasn't in a relationship. I have desperately wanted another baby since then. I have been with my current DP nearly 4 years and he's just getting to the stage where he's thinking about being ready. I'm 25 and he's 30.

I am coming up to 30 (this year). I have never been a huge fan of kids but have always known I want my own. I have finally become broody in the last year and we plan to start trying once I turn 30 so I can hopefully have two by 35.

I always wanted children for as long as I can remember, and was a proper "baby botherer" always peeping in prams, wanting cuddles, etc. I always imagined I'd have them around 24 but that didn't happen.

When my niece was born I was 32 and felt nothing towards her which disturbed me.

After two miscarriages, I had DS at 34, but just before the 12 week scan DH and I had a massive row and I contemplated a termination. I didn't go through with it and when I think of the row it still upsets me.

However, DS is the best thing that ever happened to me and I love him and his sister with enormous intensity. They are only 15 months apart and I can't say I was delighted to be pregnant with DD (she was planned and I knew immediately I had conceived a girl).

Although I'd always imagined I would feel overwhelming love for my children when they were born but it took awhile and I would never describe it as easy - I feel since having children I want to be more independent and I've re-evaluated all my relationships.

If I could change one thing I wish I had been more sorted career wise, financially before I had them. But when I cuddle them at night and feel their warm soft little bodies I feel they are a miracle.

I remember stating quite categorically as a nineteen year old that I was not the least bit interested in having children and really couldn't see why anyone would bother curtailing their freedom. The thought that we are all just animals whose only purpose is to breed and so perpetuate the species made me feel that the only response - to be human rather than just another animal - was to thwart the biological urge and enjoy an uninhibited life. I was quite a pretentious nineteen year old.

Then, around mid-twenties, I'd had enough of the freedom and being accountable and responsible for nobody but myself. Then I met the love of my life and spent a few very happy years with him having too much fun to stop and think about kids. Although I did sometimes fantasise about what a great dad I thought he'd make. Until an idle moment when I asked him if he thought we'd make good parents and he confessed that he didn't really want any…

I spent too many more years with him, hoping one of us would change their mind but he no more wanted kids than I wanted to live without any.I was so besotted with him that I really tried to see a way of being happy with him and our carefree life and no children. But the freedom just seemed hollow and wasteful. So we parted. I was 34. I met another guy, he seemed quite keen on having a family so I spent 18 more months with him while he dithered and kept insisting we had 'plenty of time'. By now I was so sure that I did a very brave (reckless?) thing - I left him and had a child by myself with donor IUI.

DS is now 1 year old and I can't tell you how much better life is with him than it ever was without. You can keep your lie-ins and your travel and your disposable income: having a child is magical and makes everything worthwhile. All the things I used to worry about seem pointless and trivial. Work has new meaning because my money goes towards making a good life for him. I have learned an incredible amount by having him that I can now use to advise and help other people (I'm a health professional). He is happy, healthy, smiley and makes the world a better place. My parents love having a grandchild. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone else. Every little milestone seems miraculous. In short, having a child is everything I'd hoped it would be and more - I had concerns about how I would feel when I had all this extra responsibility and that anxiety just never materialised.

I do suspect that a lot of the doubts people seem to express after becoming parents stem from the direct hit that a relationship suffers and I accept that, by going it alone, I have been spared that. Nevertheless, partnered or single, if you feel you want a child don't try to intellectualise it and write lists of pros and cons - the cons always seem more concrete (financial loss, sleep deprivation, career jeopardy) and the pros so fluffy and insubstantial (a cute baby, someone to look after, someone to teach) but looking back from the other side I can tell you that the cons really don't matter and the pros are a lot more rewarding than you can ever imagine.

So in answer to your question - I can't give you clear sentence about how I knew I wanted children or why, it was just a feeling. But I'm so glad I paid attention to it and went ahead.

I never particularly wanted children - but didn't particularly not want them either. I just quite liked my life as it was and thought that broodiness would hit me when I was ready. It didn't. DH eventually said we ought to try before it was too late. We have a lovely DD now. All the thoughts that having a child would limit my lifestyle are gone. DD has added far more to my life than I've 'lost' through the limitations of being a parent. My only regret is not starting earlier and having more children.

Long time wasn't on my radar,I was studying,working
But gradually we gravitated from pg would be terrible,not right time.to yes,right now.we discussed it,evaluated where we were in careers,finances,discussed booking nursery,sharing tasks,lengthy mat leave etc.i got pg v quickly when ttc

If I didn't have the dc I'd still be doing same thing,bit I'd have spontaneity to travel , go out unplanned,doss about etch

Was never very broody and didn't like screaming kids in supermarkets...turned 27 and woah, got broody at the mere sight of baby, toddler, preschooler! So I reckon hormones must be partly to blame! Anyway far far too many years later have two -exhausting- preschoolers and I wouldn't change it for the world. It is hard work, but they are my world, and I adore them, they are so funny, and nothing beats their cuddles!

I am amazed that so many people without kids have joined MN. I mean, what is there for you here if you never want kids, eh? Very odd

Well. My own mother was emotionally abusive. Amongst other issues, I had been indoctrinated in the belief that children wrecked everything - your looks, your brain, your career, and of course your relationships. As an adult, having gradually unpicked some of her narrative from my sub conscious, I just didn't trust myself not to damage them or in someway screw them up. My DH and I had been together for 8 years, I was at a very secure place in my life, and also in counselling, and my GP suggested to me that often we are not entirely free of our parents until we become parents ourselves. It planted a seed of doubt - doubt in all the negativity. My DH thought it was a great idea (we've managed a kitten haven't we?) and much to my shock I fell pregnant on my first cycle.
I now have two wonderful children. They were the saving of me. I'm by no means recommending children as an antidote for emotional abuse, however it's not possible to comprehend that kind of love if you've never experienced it; when you do, it's incredibly healing. Having said that, I would never have reached that point without therapy and my wonderful DH. It took me until I was 36 to reach that point - and I had my second child aged 38. I wouldn't recommend leaving it that late, but both were conceived naturally with no problems.
So, I didn't really know - I just took a chance.

I was never desperate for children, but always just knew I'd have them. My DH always knew he wanted children so it wasn't an option not to have them!

Since we knew we'd have a baby eventually, we decided not to wait too long, due to it being better to be pregnant at a younger age, raise kids whilst we were still young etc - so we're expecting our baby boy, I'm 30 and he's 31.

LaGuardia, unless you are having a laugh then your comment also is "very odd".

If you hadn't noticed, MN attracts conversation and debate about limitless topics. It doesn't constrict itself to stuff about nappies, weaning, tantrums, schools and stroppy teens. Anyone can join in. Why should someone have procreated first? Calling someone odd because they're on MN yet childless is pretty off, IMO.

I agree Hester. I'm here for the bumsex threads

I never wanted children my life was planned without them, I was having a great time. Then I got drunk, very drunk with my ex and 2 weeks later had a positive pregnancy test. That did it for me, once I saw those two lines I wanted my DS.

hester

good post.

BigPaws - we are all different. I have 3 children and I adore being a parent. Children provide a kaleidoscopic view of the world that was not there before. And, I now care less about myself….more about the world. That said I have friends with no children and I'm sure they are equally happy.

Didn't feel particularly maternal at any point prior to having DS (who was a big, unplanned surprise shortly after my 30th birthday). I am glad he is a part of our lives but I could have happily gone without having children.

After 3 unsuccessful years of TTC a sibling for DS (who is now 6) I am a mix of relief and disappointment, but for the most part o.k. with how things have turned out.

I've always known I wanted children, mostly for good reasons previous posters have listed.

But also, tbh, I think I was conditioned when I was little by the fact that my parents had children and so did my friends' parents. :P

Wow, thank you so much for all your replies! This is pretty facisnating, actually.

Sounds silly but I do sometimes think it's funny how many times you have sex in your life, and then how just one or a handful of those times and boom, there's suddenly a new baby. (Don't worry - I do know how it works!)

I think I will start with a pet :)

... And learning to spell (whoops) fascinating

Always thought I'd have them one day, then suddenly hit a point where it had to be right now and was really frustrated how long it took to happen. Now I wish I'd appreciated more that that was really the only time in my life I didn't have to worry about contraception. DC2 happened at first attempt and we aren't planning any more, so I've realised there's a good chance I won't have unprotected sex again until after the menopause.

I wish I'd known about MN before I had children, there is so much more to it than just parenting.

I was never broody and always imagined I would have a childless life -- As a teen I dreamed of having a fabulous career, living with dashing besotted husband in an architect-designed home filled with sharp edges!

I came from a small town and it felt like having babies was what people did to stay in that small town... Not what you did if you wanted to escape it. And I really felt that having babies wasn't special - heck, anyone could do it - and I wanted to do spectacular things in life! I'd also had a crap home life with a very abusive stepfather and shitty family life so wasn't very romantic about the idea of family. So never gave babies one thought.

Skip forward to age 35. DP and I had moved in together and I started to feel there was something missing in our 3 bed home. 'Why have all these bedrooms?' I shouted to him one night. Friends had also had babies and I wondered if they were onto something! So we tried once on a lark and presto - DD1!! Years went by and I wondered if she should have a sibling so we tried again and after 3 miscarriages I really wanted a baby, probably just to negate all the previous mcs! I was 45 when DD2 was born.

For both it's not an immediate love DD2 is 4 months old and still a 'little stranger'. By having kids I'm conscious that I have missed out on things, career has been compromised, it's more tough financially and it's a lot of work. I also feel like I'm pretty boring nights in watching telly does not fascinating make! But I love seeing them grow up and I love getting to know them as people and really looking forward to getting to know them as teenagers then adults. -- the bond I have with DD1 is more special and loving than anything I've known and I would have hated to miss that.