...to ask how you knew you wanted DC?

[pinchpunch]

I want them (haven't yet had any) but can't explain why. Something to do with feeling strongly that I want to create a secure, loving family of my own.

Other people's babies are cute and it's nice to play with them for a while, but I don't come away desperately broody. Not yet 30 and not really at a point in my life where I can see myself having any in the next year or two, but would like to think by 35 at least.

So, assuming some level of decision making/planning is going to go into this (appreciate there are things you just can't control), and knowing that it is not easy, how did you come to the conclusion that it was the right thing for you?

Did you ever consider that you might not have any? And if you didn't have any... what would you do with your life? Realistically.

Thoughts appreciated!

I always thought I might have them, but I've never really been interested in other people's kids.

I got married at 27 and came off the pill. Not to try to ttc straight away, but to be 'chemical free' when we were sure. 9 months later and still no period, I went for tests that revealed I had polycystic ovaries. Along with dh's dad dying suddenly, we just thought what are we actually waiting for?

Dd is 6 months and I love her more and more each day. It is the hardest and best thing I've ever done.

Two things that sold it to me was imagining a little person made of the man I love and myself running towards me and how lovely that would be. Also, if I was on my death bed, I would have regretted not having experienced motherhood. Just my two cents.

I didn't think I particularly wanted them, but then found I was pregnant at 36 and wasn't so sure I didn't want them that I could have a termination and now I have 17 month old DS (and as a single mother - definitely didn't plan that one!).

The thing is, on paper, my life probably looks less good - no lie-ins at all (the worst thing about being a single parent), no reading a book on a sunday afternoon, limited nights out and weekends away (I work in the music industry so I had a lot of these in my past life), travelling will never be the same carefree experience. And sometimes it's really hard work.

But I am indefinably happier and I don't know why. He gives me a purpose, something I didn't know I was lacking, and I like the fact that I can't be selfish anymore actually - something else that has taken me by surprise. Even when I was pregnant, I had no idea I would feel like this. When he reaches his stubby little hands up to me so we can dance around the kitchen, it makes me happier than anything else ever has. Bit wet, I know!

Having said that, I don't think I would want a second!!

I suddenly couldn't be arsed with nights out on the piss every weekend and the thought of holidays didn't really excite me. I also cried with joy every time I saw a newborn so to be honest I think I was struck down with clinical broodiness (should such a thing exist)

Wow this is a really interesting post OP.

I'm kind of in that situation in that I now really want children but it came out of nowhere.

I kind of always thought I'd have them, a bit like a poster further up. But they always seemed so far off. I had a great life, living in London, worked in Hong Kong for a while and travelled loads and basically had an amazing time with my family and my friends.
Had some real knob head boyfriends as well - looking back the thoughts "what in gods name were you thinking" comes to mind.
Then I hit 35 and slowly a little fear started creeping but rather than do it on my own I thought "well maybe it's not my time yet"
Then I met DP. Can honestly say I've never loved anyone as much as I love him. He is truly wonderful ( despite hogging the remote and following a shite football team).

And now? At 38 all I want is a family with him. It is all I can think about. I feel happy and settled and want to create a wonderful family with him. We will be starting to TTC in next few weeks once we've completed on our new home. But it is like a switch has flicked. I am feeling that instinct, that want and desire for a child/family.

Do I wish I'd started earlier? Not at all. My life before DP was wonderful and exciting but in a different way. I wasn't designed to have children before DP and now I can't wait for our journey to start.

So basically - all of a sudden - one day, that urge hit me

I'm also in the 'I always knew I wanted children' camp. I have friends who are child free by choice and whilst I envy their ability to just flit off places on a whim I also feel like they are missing out on something. I don't feel like they are happier at all.

I knew I wanted babies even as a young girl, I loved babies and children and I chose a job where I worked with kids after I graduated.

I only really started to yearn for my own babies when I met dp, it was almost instant, I know I wanted his babies.

We had fertility problems and it took a long time to get pregnant with ds, we decided that if we didn't manage to get pregnant we would by a convertable car and a dog as a consolation prize but thankfully I did get pregnant eventually I am now pregnant with dc2, this pregnancy took us a little by supprise as I am still breastfeeding ds1 and we weren't really trying (we weren't trying not to become pregnant either but it was such a faff to get pregnant with ds we didn't expect to get pregnant by just having sex!) The decision to have dc2 was more of a practical decision, we know we don't want ds to be an only child and we would like more than one baby. I am very happy to be pregnant but there wasn't the same yearning for dc2.

Ah, this: "I only really started to yearn for my own babies when I met dp, it was almost instant, I know I wanted his babies." is a bit of a worry for me.

I love OH and know he would be a wonderful father, but only had this strong urge in the first few exciting months when our relationship was new. That initial bit when you're suddenly crazy attracted to someone is very powerful - but for me it has faded (I miss it!) It's not that I wouldn't love to have children with him, there just isn't much animal lust to procreate... normal, I'm hoping?

And from everything I've gathered it's (obviously) best to have a stable, solid relationship before you get into babies - as opposed to going for it in the first few months because you fancy them like mad? Funny how this works.

This is interesting, as I am looking at it from the other side.

DH and I are happily child free currently. We both assumed that children would feature in our future having got together in our early 20's. It was just something people did. Every couple of years we have the "I'm not ready yet, are you" chat.
Trouble is, time is ticking on. DH is 40 next year whilst I will be 36, and still we feel like we aren't ready.
The last few days I've really been trying to work out if I would be happy staying child free.
I love our life at the moment, and having a child would mean things would be tight rather than comfortable financially. I also wouldn't get anything more than stat mat pay, and the way my job is structured I would undoubtedly be doing some kind of working from home during that time, which doesn't appeal.

I know that if I really wanted a child those things wouldn't matter, which makes me think I'm right to wait but eventually time is just going to run out isn't it.
I really don't want to have realised. I've made a massive mistake in 10 years time by not having a child, but equally "because everyone has" isn't a good enough reason to.

Can you tell I'm horribly confused by this.

I think for me it was less the anamalistic lust of the first few months and it was more seeing how my dp cared for me when I was ill or upset and especially seeing him with kids that I love. My little sister is 18 years younger than me and I adore her, dp is fantastic with her, he really made an effort and that made me think I wanted his babies.

It is also the little things about dp that I love, his orange eyelashes, his deep blue eyes, the shape of his hands and feet, his milky white skin, his singing voice, his sence of humor. I think he is wonderfully beautiful (I don't think he is to everyone else, just me!) and I wanted a baby that looked like him and had his qualities. I was actually a little disapointed that ds looks alot like me.

Silver - I was a bit like that too, we sorted out the house, the wedding, the jobs and only then started thinking about it - see my post at 16.13. We were happy being child-free too, although I had assumed we would do it at some point, the right time never really seemed to be upon us. I never did get strong maternal urges until I was actually pregnant.

What did focus my mind was a friend who is a few years older, she was a colleague and we spent endless lunch hours in my early 30s moaning about the women at work who talked about nothing except their babies. She got to 40 and had that moment of thinking it's now or never, had her first, was totally converted and then had two more in fairly rapid succession and would have had more if it hadn't been too late by then. It made me realise that I too could be facing the "what if it's too late" scenario if I wasn't careful.

I was the least maternal person EVER. I hit 30 last year and bam, I finally felt the urge. Now it's all I think about, I watch obem ( used to cringe at the thought and all the fb updates used to bore me) find babies so cute now and am longing to have one of my own and experience pregnancy. It helps that im married to the most amazing guy (in my eyes) who will be a fantastic dad.
I have older parents too and id hate for it to be too late for them to see me have children.

I always worried about work and money etc etc, but I uust think it will all work out in the end and we are in a better position than a lot of parents.

This interests me as I've never wanted children. I'm young but even when teachers/colleagues etc have bought their babies in I've never been fussed. I rarely find other peoples children cute.

As awful as it sounds I know that if one of my friends was to fall pregnant in the near future my immediate reaction would be "oh no what a shame"

It might be because I am very career focused. Or because I've never had cousins/friends etc being pregnant around me. Either that or I'm naturally horrible!

It just seems worlds apart to people my age who know they want them and have named then etc already!

I wouldn't say you are unusual Ladypete.

And if you didn't have any... what would you do with your life? Realistically. This is quite offensive. I don't understand why people DO have children but I would never question their choice.

Sorry to resurrect this thread but I was reading it yesterday and didn't have time to reply.

I've never been broody or particularly interested in children, and don't have any yet (am 32 and have been with DH for 11 years). But I think it's quite likely we'll try and have some in the next couple of years, because I love families and the chaos of family life - am fully prepared for the early years of childrearing to be a nightmare potentially, but once the DCs are older I can see us both loving it. And there is no way I'd have children if I didn't think that DH would be a great father and do an equal/fair share of all the hands on stuff, housework, and THINKING that family life involves.

OTOH, we're both really really happy with our lives as they are now, and are both a bit scared that having children is a huge risk - not because of stuff like lack of sleep/money (though that's a factor) but having a child brings the huge fear that something terrible could happen to it and we'd never be happy again. I know that sounds melodramatic and it's unlikely, but because I'm happy, busy and fulfilled right now and lack the broodiness to push me to TTC, it seems a silly risk to take.

And I'm sorry but the question 'what would you do with your life if you didn't have children' makes my blood boil! How little imagination do you have to have to think that people's lives are empty or lacking because they haven't created a brand new human?! There are SOOOO many things to do in this world - it's not a choice between 'have kids' or 'live a carefree life based around partying, travel and having money'. Be a doctor, a scientist, a designer, write a book, volunteer, do interesting stuff, see the world, learn things, read, spend time with friends and family...! Why do people suddenly forget that there are all these other things to do in the world when you're a healthy woman of childbearing age, and assume that all you should be doing is having children?

Ha, while I was ranting writing that someone else resurrected the thread :)

'The thing that bothers me, OP, is that people with children don't seem very... well, happy.'

Completely agree with this. I work with parents and young children and very few of the parents look like they are enjoying their role - they either seem exhausted and terrified all the time, or are the sort of parents that don't really give a fig about the kids either way. I rarely see a parent & child where I think 'that looks good'.

SilverShadows, I completely understand your confusion! I'm in a similar situation to you. My deep down gut feeling has always been that children are not for me,and that's still the case. And yet I have moments of intense broodiness where I feel that my hormones are screaming at me to have a baby. My best mate has an 18 month old DD who is just gorgeous and I love spending time with her, but I often feel very churned up emotionally when I get home. I'm incredibly jealous of my friend in her role as mum. I could see myself with a baby and with a toddler and being happy, but I really don't think I can face the full picture - the non-stop responsibility, the relentlessness of it. I just don't think I can be doing with it.

But it's definitely a much more complex issue than just 'can't have' or 'didn't want'.

Didn't really want them at until my 30s but when it hit me I would have moved heaven and earth to have my DS. I just 'knew'' at a gut level.

ladypete you sound perfectly normal, not horrible at all!

I only really knew when I had an unplanned pregnancy and, to be completely frank, I didn't think at all about a termination, I immediately started planning how everything was going to work.

I appreciate this is not the way most people would want to do it!

Another one who had a child as a result of an unplanned pregnancy. I imagine I would have remained child free, but my first DC put paid to that

We are planning to TTC our second baby, and if it happens it happens, and if it doesn't, well, I think I would be a bit sad, but would be more than happy with my lovely DC1

I love being a mother- it's so hard at times, but totally worth it. on saying that, I am a laid back sort of person, and I think the element of surprise worked well with me- I have never had the sort of angst and guilt a lot of people seem to have when they become parents.

When I was first pregnant, somebody told me something which resonated massively with me. The gist of it was this. When you're worried about how you will cope with a baby, and all the changes that brings, stop viewing your future offspring as 'a child' and start thinking of them as a future grown-up that you will enjoy spending time with.

Animal/biological urge I think... started at around 28yo. I'm 36 now and only just ttc (wasn't in a position to relationship-wise until now).

The urge has been and remained so strong it's nearly drove me crazy over the years. I've had to really fight to keep it at bay. Sometimes I've felt like screaming.

I understand everyone is different. I've got a couple of friends who have never been interested.

If I don't get to have a family (I'll try my utmost), I think I'll really struggle with it, but will make the best of things and try to find joy elsewhere.

Met dh at 23, it was all romantuc gooey-gooeyness, 24/7 shagging etc. Children never entered our heads.
Over the years, we had the "kids... yeah, eventually" conversation.
Got married at 35, ds came along a year later.
I never felt broody, didn't have any interest in babies at all still don't We are very happy with our one.

I don't understand a pp ^^ who said they'd never seen a child and parent and thought "that looks good" - really? Really? You've never seen a child run up to a parent at the school gates and give a running hug? Never seen a child bursting with pride at something they've made for mothers/fathers day? Never seen a parent gaze lovingly at their baby? Where do you live?

Ds ran home yesterday with wild irises clutched in his sticky hand shouting "mummy, mummy!" I could hear him up the road! Neighbours on either side were cooing.

I think I knew when I met DH that I wanted his children. I know he will be an amazing dad but I'm not sure if I will be a good mum. He has always said he would like a child before he is 30 whereas I have never really put a timescale on it... Until recently. We have decided to start trying at the end of this year, I'll be nearly 29. I do feel quite broody, I think moving to our new flat, buying a car, getting married etc. has all been a bit of 'subconscious nesting' for me.
I've also reached a point where I feel like I need a purpose, I don't feel like I have one right now. I'm just plodding along. I like my job and am good at it but I don't have an urge to climb the career ladder that much. I don't have many close friends, have never been a party animal or a traveller. Our jobs mean that we don't get much time to socialise and I save my money rather than spend it. I don't think I will miss much of my current life when I have children.