...to ask how you knew you wanted DC?

[pinchpunch]

I want them (haven't yet had any) but can't explain why. Something to do with feeling strongly that I want to create a secure, loving family of my own.

Other people's babies are cute and it's nice to play with them for a while, but I don't come away desperately broody. Not yet 30 and not really at a point in my life where I can see myself having any in the next year or two, but would like to think by 35 at least.

So, assuming some level of decision making/planning is going to go into this (appreciate there are things you just can't control), and knowing that it is not easy, how did you come to the conclusion that it was the right thing for you?

Did you ever consider that you might not have any? And if you didn't have any... what would you do with your life? Realistically.

Thoughts appreciated!

I got pg at Uni by accident. DH (who was just DB at the time) and I kind of thought, "Who regrets having children?! No one!". So, we had a baby.

Sometimes, I think we were really lucky as we were young and stupid enough not to think any further than that, and yet it worked out just fine.

Like many, not sure if I ever knew. Hit 38, had now-or-never thought and decided to try. Quite ambivalent - if it doesn't work, we'll be fine etc etc. Had DD at 40. Best thing I ever did and wish I'd done it sooner and more often!

What a lovely thread.

I never wanted children. I hunted around for my maternal instinct and couldn't ever find it. It was my dh who wanted them. Then, aged 35, I agreed.

The first night after my caesarean, I didn't sleep, I just sat, watching my baby, dumbstruck with awe at how beautiful he was. And I finally felt what I was, who we are: mammals, designed to pass on our genes, and I knew that I wasn't in control any more, I wasn't that career woman with a Cosmopolitan-magazine life-plan. And since then I have been immersed in the life of my two children - they fill me up, no matter how hard taking care of them is sometimes. I am no longer empty inside, I see the world in different colours. It is better than any religion.

I don't want children, it seems to me to be a thankless task and an uphill struggle. All parents do is complain about their kids anyway.

(Unless they are taking yet more time off work for said child/ren. I don't get to use the mother and baby parking spaces at the supermarket. I don't get child benefit. I don't need subsidised nursery places. I don't get anything, just the right to pay income tax to finance the breeders. Whilst those self same breeders tell me I'm selfish for not having children. I could SCREAM at the injustice)

Unless there's the, 'really enjoy my baby' brigade.

I can't bear these women that say, 'I had my children young, we grew up together' to me, that is gross.

Have children ? No thanks, I just don't need the ego trip.

The idea that a woman with children is never truly happy is an interesting one. I'm overstretched and chaotic at times, but I've never felt unhappy that I had children.

I had DD as a teen and surprised everyone for getting pregnant and because I was the least maternal person you'd ever meet. All my friends wanted families growing up and I was determined to get out and have a career.

I still did go to uni and have a career, admittedly one I chose to fit around DD. However, having her propelled me to do more and to do it well - I excelled at uni because I had her. It gave a real purpose to what I was doing and I am still very motivated to be successful in order to support my family well.

Fast forward to my late 20s and I met and married DH. We had DS for a couple of reasons: I come from a big family and I do think that influences you - I did want another. Also, I like people and wanted to have people around me. I know there is no guarantee that they will stay near me or see me regularly as they get older, but I thought I'd increase my odds by having them!! I'm not great with the baby stage, but I think the kid stage is just awesome.

Pre DS I was having the baby dreams, as someone said up thread.

I still work FT as being self-sufficient is very important to me. We don't have pots of money, but as they get older this will settle down and I anticipate us being able to do more as a couple. But, when we do get time alone now, we often find ourselves feeling like we are missing something! Totally brainwashed.

I have never felt maternal, ever. I thought that having children was what you did so started TTCing at 24. After being told that having children would be extremely unlikely I just got on with my life. It wasn't a problem for me. I enjoyed other people's children and was glad to hand them back. At 38 I got pregnant out of the blue, but miscarried. Even then it wasn't a blow to me and I thought what will be will be.

I got pregnant again at 41 and this time the pregnancy stuck and I now have DD. I love her to bits, but she has at times been such a worry to me. Being a mother has made me less selfish and far more of a worrier. Being older parents of an only child in a small family has made OH and I worry a lot about her future. We have no local family support so I encourage DD to make good friends because they will have to be her support network.

I don't think my life is better than before, just different.

Jesus, Ghetto, is there any need to be quite so rebarbative, with all the angry 'breeders' rhetoric? I spent 39 years of my life not intending to have a child, paying tax and yes, dealing with other people telling me I was selfish, but without suffering from the build up of resentment you seem to have.

Not having children is a good decision for those who don't want a child, and to suggest otherwise is stupid, but why resent the human race for carrying on doing what it's always done? Do you really want there to be no more children, and for the rest of us to just age and die off without any new generations, just so you don't need to fulminate over P and C parking spaces?

A few mentions here of having one at 35ish and just wanted to share that we started ttc at 32 and it took me almost a year to get pregnant with dc1, which felt like a very long time of monthly disappointments.
dc2 at 36 not so long fortunately - but just to be aware in the complexities of life decision making that our fertility generally does decline in our thirties. So if you want one think about going for it? Or just don't think about it too much and just do it!
Good luck to all
To answer the question I think I just felt very strongly that I wanted one, and to have my own family. With dc2 it was also about having a sibling for dc1.

I've always wanted to be a mum. I'm not fussed about anything else. Can't explain why though. I just do.

Approaching 39 and still no urge which is just as well as there's no potential daddy on the scene and a combination of gynae problems, history of depression and diabetes mean that pregnancy if it even happened wouldn't be good for my health.

Ghetto - I don't complain about my children. It's not an uphill struggle. It's amazing.

I had a full life without them (and still do).. A busy career in TV, lots of holidays with DH (still do!) only now, every single thing is better because they're there.

You can say anything you like, but the people on this thread with children know. And nothing you can spout makes an ounce of difference to the fact that their lives are infinitely better.

I always thought I would have children, but never had a massive urge iyswim. However, when we started trying after we married and nothing happened, that's when I really started to want them. I don't know if it was a biological thing or a case of wanting something I might not have, but it was really strong. Thankfully we have ended up with 2 lovely boys.

It is very hard work and hugely expensive, but the positives out way the negatives.

Like other posters, I can't remember ever not wanting children. I always assumed it was something I would want to do. And yes, many parents are unhappy. But so are many of my childless friends. For myself, when I had my DS, it felt like something that had always been hollow was filled. NOT that I am saying children make you happy or are the answer to despair - they don't and they're not. But I am so intensely grateful that I have had the chance to experience motherhood. It's wonderful (amongst other things :)

Like Tailtwister I was still fairly ambivalent until we started TTC and nothing happened for 18 months, by which time I was desperate. I was nearly 37 and nearly 39 when the DCs came along and am glad we didn't leave it any later to try.

Very interesting thread. I'm 32 and have been married for 6 months but still don't feel ready for a baby. It just looks so tiring and relentless.

I'm wondering if my urge will hit me in a few years.

When I look back on my life pre-children, all the lazy Sundays reading the papers, sushi bars and drinks on a Tuesday night, expensive shoes and handbags, lovely holidays etc......I just feel like something was always missing. I am sorry if the childfree find that patronising but that is how I feel. My life is complete now I have my children.

Dh never ever talked about having children, it was never really on the agenda, as I had been told be a doctor I would have difficulty conceiving.
We ran out of condoms on holiday (just the once) and after what I had been told by the doctor did not think it would be an issue. I had to bypass a job offer abroad because I was pregnant. Mixed emotions from both of us but when Ds1 was a few days old I fell completely in love.
The story does not end there, I went on the pill (not wanting a second child) and managed to get pregnant again, DS2.

Deciding a daughter would complete our family, I did an extensive study of "how to concieve a girl child", well our twin boys are now in their 20's, and I cannot imagine how DH and I would have become without the 4 of them!

I thought I wanted them, but couldn't tell you why. I just thought that at some point I wanted to experience being a mum.

I fell pregnant unexpectedly and although I knew I didn't want an abortion I was not sure why I wanted to keep the baby either. I looked at other people with their children and wondered what the attraction was.

Then dd was born and it all made sense. I immediately loved her with a ferocity I could never have imagined and couldn't imagine life without this little mini me in it.

What I'm trying to say is that even if you think you have it all worked out and know exactly why you want kids, you can never truly know until you have them. You have never experienced the way your own child will make you feel and it is the most unexpected experience of my life.

Noarmani that's how it looked to me. Don't get me wrong its bloody hard work, but you are doing it all for a little person that you are head over heels in love with. It makes it easy in one sense as you just know you will do anything they need before your own needs until you drop down dead and you will do so happily.

It sounds utterly crazy but that is how it feels.

When I read all this it makes me realise how some people are just not suited to having children. The tragedy is they go ahead and do it anyway. They are not capable of this overwhelming love and unselfishness you are all talking about.

Wouldn't it be much easier if everyone knew in advance which kind of person they are? :(

I was never one playing with dolls as a kid or be all gooey about babies as a teen.

Strangely I did end up with a Kindergarten teacher diploma but havig spent a lot of time with kids aged 3-7 for three years made me think having kids is ok, but stayed quite neutral about it.

at the age of 23 I came to England as an aupair, which put me off of having kids for a short while, but meeting DH and his nephews and niece and seeing what lovely families my BILs had made me think for the first time that maybe I'd like children at some point.

good thing I met him.
been married for 14 years this April, now expecting #7 in July.
who would've thought?

No one tells you that there are times it pushes you beyond your limit, emotionally, physically, mentally. It is fucking exhausting, relentless, demanding and can lead you into bad places (PND). If you get a bad sleeper or a tantruming toddler (my eldest had 2 hour long tantrums on an average day, I'd been up four or five times in the night with the baby and her). Sometimes I'd just sit and cry. I got sick because I never got time to recover.

Made worse because I never actually planned my first- had her at 30 and had never been maternal. Ttcd no. 2 only because we didn't want her to be an only child. First had been a baby from hell, never slept for more than two hours.

However. Now they are 2 and 4,and amazing. And I figure we are finally starting to experience the rewards of parenthood. I'm expecting my third in aug, and now we have more support and my eldest is in nursery, starting reception when baby is born and DD2 is a fun and as smiley toddler- generally far easier than DD1.

So much depends on your personality, the child's personality, your relationship, your plans around the children... My DH is utterly amazing and I wouldn't have had any more if it hadn't been for him.

I'm 28 and I really, really want children. I have done for years, and so has DH. Me and DH (who is 38) have been married 1.5 years, together for 7.

There always seem to be issues getting in the way, though. I had to finish my PhD first and am now going from temporary job to temporary job, so no provision for mat leave. Plus, I have an anxiety disorder and smoke to keep calm. I know I'll have to stop, and stopping would be a great thing to do, but I'm terrified of having a major relapse, especially if it happened during pregnancy and was harmful to the baby.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling good, I almost want to say "let's just TTC now, everything will be fine." But when I'm not feeling so good, I'm really scared. I wish things were simpler, but I know they're not - for anyone.