...to ask how you knew you wanted DC?

[pinchpunch]

I want them (haven't yet had any) but can't explain why. Something to do with feeling strongly that I want to create a secure, loving family of my own.

Other people's babies are cute and it's nice to play with them for a while, but I don't come away desperately broody. Not yet 30 and not really at a point in my life where I can see myself having any in the next year or two, but would like to think by 35 at least.

So, assuming some level of decision making/planning is going to go into this (appreciate there are things you just can't control), and knowing that it is not easy, how did you come to the conclusion that it was the right thing for you?

Did you ever consider that you might not have any? And if you didn't have any... what would you do with your life? Realistically.

Thoughts appreciated!

I never really considered it. I had a vivid dream once about having two boys and that sort of put the idea into my head, but I never discussed children with DH (doh) and we never planned it. I ran out of pills one day whilst abroad, and we just sort of went with it. Eight months after that I tested positive.
I had no clue really I didn't - I was thirty years old and had never had any real responsibility or exposure to young children. I do now have two boys, although whether they were the ones in my dream I cannot tell you! (they aren't called Gabriel and Adam though - DH didn't agree to that!)

For all my teens and most of my 20s I wasn't at all sure I wanted DC. When I met my DH and he made it clear that he definitely did I was coming around to the idea and very happy to try, but we decided before TTC that we wouldn't go to any extraordinary measures to make it happen - either we were able to have our own, biological DC or we would walk away. However, our resolve on that was never tested, because I got pregnant easily on both occasions.

If we'd not been able to have DC I guess we'd have continued to do what we were doing, which was working, travelling and enjoying a really very nice, adult life. I think though that there would've come a time when that wasn't enough and I fancy that I'd have started to do more in a charitable way i.e. volunteered some of my free time, worked on charitable projects for some of my holidays, rather than always doing something for myself, perhaps quitting my job in finance and going to work for a charity. I still like the idea of doing those things actually, particularly the working holiday thing. Those of us with so many material things in life should give something back and perhaps learn something about a simpler life in the process.

I'd think about the unbroken chain of successfully reproducing organisms stretching all the way from the first spark of life to me. The idea of purposefully breaking that chain seemed awful. In short, biological urge. My ovaries have been going clang on a regular basis since I was 21 and my eldest niece was born.

When I got pregnant unexpectedly and knew there was no way I could go through with an abortion.

It was definitely the right choice for us. We are now married with two dc, I still have a good job, good figure, good relationship, good everything-I-assumed-would-be-ruined and I love my children more than I ever thought it was possible to love anything ever. In fact my life is filled with love. And stress.

I think if I had been left to make a conscious decision about having children I probably would have left it too late as it didn't feature heavily in my life plan, except in a vague "one day" sort of way.

Reassuring to see a few on here who are in a similar dilemma to me- OP, SilverShadows and others whose names I can't look up when typing a message from my phone. I really identify with the sentiment about perhaps not being "up for" the relentlessness of it all...I am the type who can put in an intense week at work but need a full quiet weekend to recover, and there are no weekends off from being a parent. I also really, really love sleeping. I am getting married in 3 months but I am quite old so DP and I had already discussed children before we got engaged. He's very much on the fence so the decision comes down to me. Both of us are very much of the mindset that we should not just blindly do what society expects of us, but we're also chronic overthinkers.

I am scared I will regret my decision either way, obviously there's no solution to that but it's probably easier to get caught up in regret about something you didn't do. I like chatty 4 year olds, but find pre verbal children seriously challenging and worry I'd fuck them up by being a lazy parent.

I am afraid that most of my friends seem to have turned into total bores about their children- but then I used to find women planning weddings dull too, and now I love chatting to them.

I love the idea of DP and me creating a person together, but I feel that being a mother would change me radically from the person he fell in love with. My own Mum was pretty frank about what she saw as a loss of identity when she became a Mum.

I am massively curious about the experience, and want to see if my body can do it. However the gamble that I might have a child with a disability seems too risky (I'm 40). I've resolved to wait until after the wedding before verbalising my thoughts to DP but not a day goes by that I don't tie myself up in knots wondering if my future holds a child or not.

Even when I got to age 40, and I realised I was in 'last chance saloon' with my ovaries, I still couldn't bring myself to stop taking the pill. I still think, deep down, that if I'd had a child I would never have regretted it, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. And I still don't understand myself in that respect.

I honestly think it's impossible to predict what kind of parent you'll be or whether you'll regret it etc. IME it even varies according to the kind of child you have. I find parenting ds easy and fun but parenting dd very hard for various reasons. I'm sure that'll change over time but my experience of being a mother to each of them has been very different.

Jessie, loads of sympathy. I spend a part of every day agonising about the decision too. It is one of the few irreversible decisions in life and it feels huge and very scary.

'I like chatty 4 year olds, but find pre verbal children seriously challenging and worry I'd fuck them up by being a lazy parent. '

If you did really want to be a parent, you would learn how to be around pre verbal children, like most parents have to

Someone said to me once that if you're agonising about a decision so much, it probably means that you would be fine with it whichever decision you make in the end. That's an interesting thought but I think what it comes down to is that I'm not prepared to take the gamble. It could be wonderful, it could be hell, it could be somewhere in between. Also, DP and I have utterly crap relationships with our own parents and are still in quite a lot of emotional pain due to our issues with our parents, so it just feels like a door that is best left shut. And yet part of me is very sad about that. As painful as it is, I think it's ok to acknowledge that you have mixed feelings about the issue - part of you really wants to do it, part of you really doesn't. It's the decision making part that's really tough!

I always used to think "if in doubt, don't ........" and I had so many doubts. Although I only used to give it serious consideration if DH talked about it. He wasn't bothered about having any more children, but would have been prepared to do it again if I wanted to - which is really kind of him. So everything swung towards the "don't do it" option.

And yes, I agree it's OK to have mixed feelings on the subject.

it is perfectly ok to have mixed feelings on the subject. I think I have always wanted children... there are 7 years between me and my youngest brother and I took to helping my mum look after him quite readily so I think that instinct has always been there. Plus I come from a family with four kids and have a wealth of cousins so I think not having a family was never really an option for me.

honestly though you have to go with what is right for you it doesnt matter what anyone else says. You will know whether you want them or not and what your thoughts are about not having them at all.

Another one who just knew. I had a baby as soon as I could possibly negotiate it, at 32, and my second as soon as I could possibly negotiate it, at 35. I would have had them much sooner if it had been solely down to me.

Always knew that I didn't want them. Didn't even like playing with baby dolls.
What have I done instead? Had a much easier life, and done a few things that I wouldn't have done if I'd had a family.
I'm sure that I've missed out on a lot of experiences because of my decision, but they're not experiences that I wanted.

I was sure I wanted children and I love them all but, curiously, after having them I feel I could love a fostered child just as much.

I come from a very large extended family so have been surrounded by children from a very early age. I always knew I wanted children. I met my DH when I was 25 and we talked very early on about how we both wanted children, but due to career and finances we weren't in a position to ttc until my early 30s. By this time I was working in a rubbish dead end job and we although we considered waiting until I had a better job, we realised that if we waited until our finances were "perfect" then it would never happens. There is no "perfect" time to have a baby!

I had DS when I was 32 and we knew immediately that we wanted another child. Unfortunately I lost our second child, but I am currently expecting a second son in a few weeks time :)

For me, the urge to have a child was very strong. If we had not been able to have a child I would have felt that there was something huge missing from my life. I could not imagine being older and not having had children (this says more about me than it does about childless people) as I would have felt my life had not panned out how it "should" have done. Sorry I can't explain myself any better than that. I know people are childless by choice, but for me that option was unthinkable.

I have to admit, despite my earlier post - and I really do want children with DP.
I admit I'm scared about the relentlessness of it all as well. I cherish my weekends chilling out and recuperating from a crazy week at work. I'm also really frightened of childbirth - as I know everyone is - I just keep telling myself I have to get past those fears.

DP and I have been together 2 years and I do wish I wasn't held hostage by my age. I want a family but I also wish I had a bit longer for DP and I to enjoy our time together. But at 38 I need to crack on!!!!

I knew i wanted children, after my own mum died. I had never considered it before but her death,but whilst getting over it i really started to think about life my future and how important my career really was in the grand scheme of things.

I always knew I wanted children some day but the time never seemed right. There was always another holiday or a wedding or something else that I thought was getting in the way.

Then I got pregnant unexpectedly and suddenly all the holidays and weddings and other things didn't matter any more. I was absolutely devastated when I miscarried a few weeks later.

That was it, really. After that I became rather obsessed with having a baby and a year after my original due date our first was born.

I don't know if it's reassuring to the not sure, but ime your own children are SO much more interesting than everyone else's even the pre-verbal ones.

i had my first at 19 to tick off my unloving mother and show her how you love a child, my second was to give ds one a sibling even though i hated the father (alcoholic/drug user) i couldn't see what else to do?

had dd with a new partner whilst wearing rose tinted glasses! should have put more tought into all 3. it didn't help that both the fathers are no help at all in bringing them up and left me to it.

i never had much self esteem or confidence before the kids and i found motherhood really hard, protecting them from spiteful kids and mouthy mothers has left me battling years of depression (that added with bad childhood)

they are here now and i try my best to cope with them, but i feel guilty they have me for a mother as its so hard for me to show emotions with my illness.

if i could turn back time i wouldn't of had them, purely because im not strong enough to protect them.

i always wanted kids but never predicted/expected the outcome in reality.

A crazed lust that took over everything. Could not visit parts of London that were full of mummies with prams (You Know Where You Are). Wept when someone told me they were pregnant. Wept when saw babies. Felt sick at the thought I wouldn't be having babies. A mad, single-minded, insane desire.
Which was met, and worth every bit of the longing and more a millionfold.

I was never hugely bothered about having a baby, when I was growing up in the 80's being a mother was seen as rather boring, and I desperately wanted to leave home and get a 'career'. When I was in my early 30s I met my husband, and it was only then that I wanted to have a baby. It was nothing to do with wanting the family life-style, it was a strong need to have a baby that was part of both of us and our love.

I always knew. I only ever wanted to be a mummy at heart.

I have always wanted them. If I couldn't have had any biological child, I would have adopted.

by the time i was four years old i was fantasising about being mummy to my own children (twin girls). i particularly remember thinking i'd walk them to and from school (my mum did that for a fortnight then dropped it and i walked alone). they often wore plaid kilts and berets. they were blonde.
at fourteen i was massively, horrendously broody. i got used to it but when my husband announced he wanted to be a dad by age 25, i certainly didn't try to put him off. daughter was born a month before his 25th. i was 24.

I didn't particularly want children in my teens and twenties. couldn't see the attraction especially given all the slog involved.

However, I realised that most people, most women anyway, do start to want them at some point, and I assumed the same would happen to me. It did, at around age 31. The hormones kicked in (probably assisted by the fact lots of friends started to have children) and I really wanted a baby.

Although it was mainly hormones, there was also an element of "what next"? DH and I had been together for over 10 years and we'd done enough of the couple life.

If you are unsure about having children, I would say, don't.... It is a very hard slog in the first few years (or at least it is if you get a non sleeping madam like ours!) which is hard enough to get through even if you're sure it's what you wanted. That said, there are plenty of people who didn't want DC who are converted the moment their child arrives....