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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to ask how you knew you wanted DC?

213 replies

pinchpunch · 10/03/2014 14:54

I want them (haven't yet had any) but can't explain why. Something to do with feeling strongly that I want to create a secure, loving family of my own.

Other people's babies are cute and it's nice to play with them for a while, but I don't come away desperately broody. Not yet 30 and not really at a point in my life where I can see myself having any in the next year or two, but would like to think by 35 at least.

So, assuming some level of decision making/planning is going to go into this (appreciate there are things you just can't control), and knowing that it is not easy, how did you come to the conclusion that it was the right thing for you?

Did you ever consider that you might not have any? And if you didn't have any... what would you do with your life? Realistically.

Thoughts appreciated!

OP posts:

ChinaChef · 10/03/2014 15:24

The only reason to have a child is because you believe that you could give a child a fantastic life. Anything less is pure selfishness.

introvertygerty · 10/03/2014 15:24

For me it was really just wanting to experience everything possible in life, having done a fair amount of travelling, studying, working, partying, having relationships, having children was the next thing to experience...All part of the journey I guess.

almondcake · 10/03/2014 15:25

I felt a similar way to SkipandTink. I always loved animals and looking after my younger sister. At 14, I started wanting a baby. I went to university etc and waited 10 years before getting pregnant, but I made clear to my boyfriends early on that I wanted kids in my mid twenties, and if they didn't there was no point in the relationship.

I was an unhappy, sad person until I had my first baby because while I did the stuff I was meant to do, I just wanted a baby. It completely and utterly changed and completed me. I had two children but various circumstances made having more an irresponsible decision, so I stuck at two. I have five years left of their childhood, but I'll fill in the void with dogs and will then await the arrival of my grandchildren!

I've done stuff that other people would find interesting, worthwhile etc, but it's just wallpaper compared to the love for your own child, as far as I'm concerned.

momscribe · 10/03/2014 15:26

You know when your biological clock ticks in. Having babies is just wonderful in spite of what you lose in the early years of having them. A reason to hurry home fast, ditch laziness for trying new dishes and someone who makes you smile without reasons. When you are ready for these surprises, just go for it.

Burren · 10/03/2014 15:26

China, I would be very surprised if most people had a child for altruistic reasons. How do you account for people who have a child in extremely impoverished circumstances? Are they deluded and believe they are 'giving a child a fantastic life'?

I can only speak for myself, and altruism wasn't high on my agenda when we decided to see if we could have a child.

CailinDana · 10/03/2014 15:27

BigPaws being a parent changes you completely. I think people without children are "happier" in the sense of being more carefree (for the most part - of course they may still have illness, elderly parents etc to deal with) because having children is an incredibly massive responsibility and in some ways you are never "free" as a parent - as soon as the pregnancy test comes up positive you are constantly aware that there is a new life in the world that you are entirely responsible for. Nothing else really matters as much as that anymore and the thought of something happening to that little life is truly horrific. It can make the world seem a very scary dangerous place.

Being a parent is great but also incredibly hard. They are two sides of the same coin. Children are beyknd precious, more important than anything else in a parent's life. But because they are so precious taking care of them feels very onerous. It's worth it but it's not easy.

Kerosene · 10/03/2014 15:27

I'm 30, and feel like I've just been hit with the broody stick. I'm still not massively keen on other people's kids, but I want one of my own, and I can't put that want into words - I just do not being a particularly compelling argument. We're not in a good place to ttc right now - I'm the main earner and we can't do without my salary (and a decent maternity leave package, which is not available in my current job). Maybe in a couple of years.

theeternalstudent · 10/03/2014 15:29

It was never a question for me. I always knew that I wanted children. Actually the thought of not having children was terrifying. From there I was able to find a way to having DD.

A friend of mine committed suicide in part because she couldn't have children. Of course it was way more complicated than that but it was a factor in her decision. It was the push I needed to go ahead and have DD even although my circumstances weren't perfect.

Not sure why I told you that or how it's relevant to you. I guess that for some people having children is their reason for living and when you take away that reason then life can become pretty empty.

However, it doesn't seem to be that you feel that way. Dunno, everyone has to come to their own decision.

Preciousbane · 10/03/2014 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KellyElly · 10/03/2014 15:43

I always wanted a child. It was just something I always knew I wanted even when I was younger. I just wanted to get my partying, crazy years out of the way before I did.

Original poster

pinchpunch · 10/03/2014 15:52

theeternalstudent, you've actually come pretty close to some thoughts I've been having. Like if I don't have children.. then what? I've got a good job, friends, been travelling... sure they're all very nice, but I can't help but worry I'd feel like I was missing out on something, and just get a bit bored of the stuff I can already do!

The thought of trying and not being able to is a bridge I guess I'd cross if it came - one of the reasons not to wait too long I suppose.

Thanks for all your responses though, really interesting. I have friends who have children and their lives sometimes seem so different to mine - I just wonder what made them feel ready when they were so young, when I still don't. Partly to do with meeting the right guy I guess.

OP posts:

TheBody · 10/03/2014 15:59

reality interesting thread op.

we had our first 2 kids fairly young by our friends standards, 23/24. we just wanted them. we grew up together.

had 2 more in later 30s as weren't ready to finish the little stuff just yet.

I can't honestly say what I would be doing without them. oldest 2 are grown up but still have teens.

I am not enough of a person to exist without my dh and kids so I guess if anything happened to them all then I would just go with them.

is that wierd? might be but its true. they define me.

benid · 10/03/2014 15:59

Ah petal02... are you me?? . We haven't got here by the same route but I also have animals but no kids of my own!

I always thought I didn't want kids, was absolutely certain.

Then I realised I just had never been in a relationship where they were a realistic possibility (nobhead ex) so I'd never actually had the chance to consider it properly.

When I met my DH I realised it was a possibility and considered it very seriously.. and it turned out I still thought the same - I don't want kids, ever.

My DH has 2 lovely kids and I like spending time with them. But it's helped me to know I never want my own.

Also, I suppose seeing my parents having a whale of a time during their retirement has influenced my decision - I want to be travelling the world like them, not dealing with teenagers, which is what I'd be doing given my age now.

TallyGrenshall · 10/03/2014 16:03

The positive test did it for me.

I never wanted children, I liked playing with children/babysitting etc from an early age but didn't want any of my own.

I enjoyed my life, going out, festivals, gigs, sleeping, and generally being carefree. I doubt I would have changed the world but I was happy.

I'm also happy with DS. I enjoy him and love him wholeheartedly

benid · 10/03/2014 16:03

Oops I should just add - so you don't think I am a nasty child-hater nearly all of my friends have children and it's apparent how much their lives have been enhanced by it - it's wonderful to see how happy families can be!

I am sure they never doubt their decision to have kids for a minute and nor should they. But I don't doubt my decision either.

Flyingducky · 10/03/2014 16:05

I had no rest interest in my 20s. Liked my friends babies but not that keen on having my own. Hit me like a sledgehammer when I was 33. I just WANTED a baby!

Flyingducky · 10/03/2014 16:05

Real

Petal02 · 10/03/2014 16:10

Benid - when I met my (second) husband, he made me consider it very seriously. He wanted me to be absolutely certain that I was sure, and that I didn’t look back in later years with regret. So I did some serious soul searching, and whilst having a child always seemed OK when considering it as a distant event, the thought of coming off the pill and becoming pregnant imminently, and then having to give birth nine months hence ….. well to be honest it terrified me.

Only1scoop · 10/03/2014 16:12

I never wanted any. Have never ever felt 'broody' to this day. Was shocked to be pregnant at 36 and adore dd but not that keen on kids and babies in general and never felt broody.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 10/03/2014 16:13

I always thought I probably would some day but I never really got the urge, but once I met DH and we decided to get married it was sort of assumed we would, we were both made redundant, but once we'd got the wedding. new jobs and a house bought it was the next thing on the list to do really, especially as I was becoming aware of the biological clock ticking (I was about 33 by then). I still took the "what will be will be" attitude at that point, however was starting to have feelings of life not being very fulfilling the way it was and that children were probably that missing something. Anyway, it took about 18 months (and two early MCs) before DS was conceived, going through that made me realise I was pretty keen after all, DCs are 8 and 10 now and are truly the best decision I ever made. I just cannot imagine life without them, they bring so much joy even during the hard times (and we have been fortunate that the hard times haven't been too bad so far). They bring new meaning to every aspect of my life really.

GingerMaman · 10/03/2014 16:16

I just had this feeling and felt ready. It's hard to explain.

littledrummergirl · 10/03/2014 16:18

I didnt want children at all until I was told I would probably never have any.
It took 18months to conceive ds1 and we were considering adoption then it happened.
It was the best thing that could have happened and made everything else fade to insignificance.
I now have 3dcs and wouldnt have it any other way.

FreckledLeopard · 10/03/2014 16:18

I remember, aged 8, shopping with a friend and her mum who was buying a baby outfit for a friend of hers with a newborn. I remember looking at the baby clothes and just being hit with broodiness. It never switched off and I was desperate to have a baby through my teens.

Thank Christ I didn't get pregnant at 15. Got pregnant at 18 however and had DD at 19 (unplanned).

I just always wanted a baby. I'm now 32 and broody again. Just need to figure out the best route to have more children (am single).

BadgersRetreat · 10/03/2014 16:32

I've never had the urge. Think I must have been out the back having a fag when they handed the maternal gene out

DH feels the same - which is just as well...

SilverOldie · 10/03/2014 16:33

I couldn't have children and no IVF when I was young, so now late 60s and childless.

And if you didn't have any... what would you do with your life? Realistically.

What a very stupid question. What you do is live and enjoy your life.

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