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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be utterly fed up with this financial situation?

219 replies

MadDogLady · 24/02/2014 15:40

DP moved in with me 6 months ago. We discussed finances before he moved in. I earn slightly more than him, however although he seperate from his wife 2 years ago, and is now divorced, no financial settlement was made. In short, this means that a large proportion of DP's wages are taken up paying off the credit cards/loans that were taken out in his name during his marriage. The upshot being that he can't afford to give me anythung towards bills/food.

I knew this before he moved in, but 6 months on, it's really getting me down. I do (and pay for) the food shop each week, including stuff for his lunches at work, his alcohol (about £20 each week, which he's already said is non-negotiable), treats he asks for...if we go out, I pay. If we want to go on holiday, I pay.

I can't see how it's ever going to get better. He's still on the mortgage of his house he owns with his ex, which has a large amount of equity in it, but he's been told he's unlikely to be able to taken off the mortgage until his younger children are 16/18. This isn't for another 12/14 years.

AIBU to be fed up of supporting another adult, with no end in sight?

OP posts:
Dirtybanana · 25/02/2014 00:58

OP, it must hurt to admit you broke up your marriage for a cocklodger.

Financially, He needs to shape up or ship out.

ivykaty44 · 25/02/2014 01:03

Divorce and financial settlements are part and parcel of each other and done together....this sounds like a cock and bull story

paxtecum · 25/02/2014 06:59

Love: ask yourself what you would miss if he wasn't there.

A thoughtful, loving companion, who cares for you, treats you well and constantly tries to make your life easier by:
cooking yummy meals for you,
cleaning the bathroom thoroughly
doing the washing
tidying up
hoovering
decorating

I don't expect he does his share of anything.

Don't be scared of being on your own.
It will be empowering for you.
Don't even think about another relationship for at least two years.

You can spend your money on weekends away with your lovely DD.
Save up and go abroad with her to interesting cities that she will enjoy too.

Take the advise of the wise women on here.

GET RID of the leech and start living.

perfectstorm · 25/02/2014 08:24

It sounds like you think you've made your bed and now have to lie in it, because you'll be all alone if you don't. But so what? Is being alone so much worse than being squeezed dry by someone who is using you?

If you contact your friends, admit they were right and he's a complete waste of space, and that you messed up, I'd be amazed if most weren't supportive. Cynically, most of us like to be right... and most of us like to support people who try to help themselves, too.

It really doesn't matter why this man is choosing to financially abuse you. What matters is that he is. He's run up huge debts his poor ex will have to help clear, despite the children. He's lying to you, because if he's paying just the minimum repayments each month and has no rent, food or bills to pay otherwise then he should have a lot of spare cash floating about. CSA is not overly generous! He sounds as though he is completely consciously taking advantage, given he has stated his access to your money for his alcohol is "non-negotiable" and he's further made it clear that he doesn't intend to try to repay your extreme generosity with any practical support in the house. He apparently feels that he's such a catch you should service his every need in perpetuity. His wife had a lucky escape - please engineer one of your own.

I'd also consider the example/relationship for your daughter. She's at an age when she will take in more than you realise. If you show this shit is not acceptable and nor is his behaviour, she's going to respect you one hell of a lot more. Isn't that worth something, too?

thatswhatimtalkingbout · 25/02/2014 09:04

have you ever been single before?
was your relationship with your previous husband something you drifted into or something you actively chose?

It may be that you never really felt you had the right to take what you want from life and this is just the latest manifestation of that. you weren't happy with your husband and some other man wanting you seemed to be the only way out of that.

Stop now, get rid of this man and think about how you want life to be for you and your daughter. Make contact with your friends, admit you made a mistake, tell them that you are going to make a go of it alone. they will support you, at least some of them will. and you can make new friends too

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 25/02/2014 10:04

OP, sounds ot me a bit like by sticking with him you're punishing yourself for breaking up your marriage? I can't add anything to what everyone above has said but one thing I will say, when you say you don't want to be alone? You already are alone: this man is not on your side, he is not part of your team, he has not got your best interests at heart. Ditch him!

shewhowines · 25/02/2014 10:57

No, no and no.

No court would ever make a financial settlement, whereby someone has no money whatsoever to live on.

Ultimatum time. Get a settlement and contribute to his keep or move out.

If not,
Kick him out and get a lodger.

Show your daughter how a proper relationship should be. Admit you made a mistake and then learn from it.

Stockhausen · 25/02/2014 11:14

You need to put your big girl pants on, throw him out & be a proper role model to your daughter.

You may still love him, but I personally couldn't respect him.

Jess03 · 25/02/2014 11:23

Yes your dd will have more respect if you're honest, you were unhappy, you clutched at the idiot, you've come to your senses and now you need to get rid so you stop jeopardising your future. You need to show your dd that being single rather than putting up with losers is the right thing to do.

perfectstorm · 25/02/2014 11:23

one thing I will say, when you say you don't want to be alone? You already are alone: this man is not on your side, he is not part of your team, he has not got your best interests at heart.

This is so true. There is no situation in the world more lonely than being alone, while allegedly being in a relationship.

This isn't any different to one of those poor women who fall for a bloke in the Gambia - only thing is you are a lot less gullible, given the history with him. His behaviour and the set-up seem identical, though.

Jux · 25/02/2014 11:27

You've got to end it, or at least send him back to his parents'. If you were to talk to his ex, she'd probably have very similar complaints about him.

The longer you spend with him, the less time you have to find a decent partner.

Move him out. Pack his stuff and leave it putside.

Beastofburden · 25/02/2014 11:36

So the idea is, keep on with how it is, or have nobody?

It's not really that black and white: you could ask him to move back to his parents, become financially independent again, keep him as a boyfriend while you work these things out, and let him sort out his divorce and finances before moving in, if he ever does.

I have to say he doesn't appeal to me on what you've posted, so I wouldn't be keeping him, but I know there is always stuff we don't hear about.

I do find it a bit odd that you are scared of the idea of having nobody. Why? You might really enjoy a year or two as a single woman. And it would help you make a better choice next time round.

This looks as if a teenage fantasy came to life almost by mistake and you are now a bit horrified by the reality, but feel stuck with it. But actually neither of you is a baby: if you made a mistake, time to say so and step away.

MamaMary · 25/02/2014 12:59

OP why are you not answering questions? Like - where is his money going? Have you seen his accounts?

I don't think you're willing to listen to advice. Don't know why you posted really.

nauticant · 25/02/2014 15:06

OP why are you not answering questions?

Don't you think that's just a little pushy?

This thread was started less than 24 hours ago. Perhaps the OP has been given food for thought and is now thinking about stuff.

Is the OP now accountable to those of us who've read her thread?

LucyLasticBand · 25/02/2014 15:07

Nauticant
op why are you not answering questions

she probalby has RL going on.

i dont think there is a rule on MN that you have to asnwer qeutions Hmm

LucyLasticBand · 25/02/2014 15:07

oops
many apologies nauticant.

LucyLasticBand · 25/02/2014 15:08

that should have been to Mamamary

BirthdayMuppet · 25/02/2014 15:18

Cut and run, cut and run. He brings nothing of real lasting substance to your life either emotionally, mentally or physically. Dump his advantage taking arse and take some time to find yourself again, find out who you are by yourself. Only then should you consider sharing your life with a man again.

MamaMary · 25/02/2014 15:21

She has posted since a lot of questions were asked, but ignored most of them. I just don't get the impression she is really prepared to ask (and answer) the tough questions here because she is just not considering taking any kind of strong action.

Hope I'm wrong though.

systemsmalfunction · 25/02/2014 16:27

You're not alone, you have your DD. ask him to move back to his parents. Tell him you are finding it all too much and would rather take things back a step to just dating

Roussette · 25/02/2014 16:59

I suspect the posts have hit home with the OP and she needs some serious thinking time at least I hope that's what she is doing

Pumpkinpositive · 25/02/2014 17:12

I suspect the posts have hit home with the OP and she needs some serious thinking time at least I hope that's what she is doing

Serious lock changing, more like.

LadyBeagleEyes · 25/02/2014 17:26

I utterly despair at threads like this.
Why are some women so desperate for a man, any man, that they're willing to put up with this?
You won't be alone, you have your daughter and being alone can be wonderful, so much better than what you have now.

Roussette · 25/02/2014 17:28

Agree Beagle. Some women just don't feel validated unless they are attached to a man. Any man...

shewhowines · 25/02/2014 17:38

If you don't respect yourself op, and refuse to be treated badly, why should anyone else respect you?

Demand respect in your relationship. No man is worth losing that for.

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