To be utterly fed up with this financial situation?

[MadDogLady]

DP moved in with me 6 months ago. We discussed finances before he moved in. I earn slightly more than him, however although he seperate from his wife 2 years ago, and is now divorced, no financial settlement was made. In short, this means that a large proportion of DP's wages are taken up paying off the credit cards/loans that were taken out in his name during his marriage. The upshot being that he can't afford to give me anythung towards bills/food.

I knew this before he moved in, but 6 months on, it's really getting me down. I do (and pay for) the food shop each week, including stuff for his lunches at work, his alcohol (about £20 each week, which he's already said is non-negotiable), treats he asks for...if we go out, I pay. If we want to go on holiday, I pay.

I can't see how it's ever going to get better. He's still on the mortgage of his house he owns with his ex, which has a large amount of equity in it, but he's been told he's unlikely to be able to taken off the mortgage until his younger children are 16/18. This isn't for another 12/14 years.

AIBU to be fed up of supporting another adult, with no end in sight?

[theincrediblealfonso]

if you would never treat anyone this way then why do you expect him to get away with it? it's okay to be alone, surely it's better than being taken advantage of.

[SabrinaMulhollandJjones]

I'd rather be alone for the rest of days than put up with that shit. Kick him out. Be honest, admit you made a mistake. Hold your head up high. Set about making new friends - you don't need this cocklodger.

[Groovee]

He sounds like a cocklodger to me. Send him back to his parents and put yourself first! Non negotiable on booze, that would be the red flag to a bull for me.

[ScarletWomanoftheVillage]

Can you not just say to him 'I like you and all that, but I'm not so wanting to live with you that I am willing to continue to actually pay for the privilege. Let's continue our relationship but, you move out and then get yourself sorted and move back in once you can afford to contribute.'

[expatinscotland]

Throw his shit out of your house. Tell him to sling his hook. Job done.

[nauticant]

I am beginning to wonder OP whether all you've been through has badly undermined your self-confidence and you don't believe you deserve to be settled down with someone nice.

[basgetti]

Ugh just get rid, seriously. He sounds vile. Just because you left your marriage for him you aren't obliged to tolerate his shit as penance. Get some pride and kick him out.

[ScarletWomanoftheVillage]

It is completely irrelevant that you left your husband to be with him. As much as anyone else you deserve to be respected by your partner. It doesn't have to be the end of the relationship, but something does have to change.

[BitsinTatters]

What Scarlet just said

Nothing to do with your husband situation.

It's not so much the debt but his attitude towards you that would really piss me off. Kick the sponging twat out ;)

[MadDogLady]

I have zero self esteem. The thought of being alone is crippling. I'm in a situation entirely of my own making, and don't think I'm strong enough to get out of it.

And yes, this is the kind of thread that I read that makes me want to scream - if I was advising the OP I'd be questioning their sanity in staying with him.

[LucyLasticBand]

dont be a victim op.

[LucyLasticBand]

you can be strong. you were strong enough to leave your H, but not strong enough to live on your own, but you can do it. dont put up with this treatment.
either that, or lay down financial rules.

[bibliomania]

You're not going to find your self-esteem in this situation. It's hard to find dignity and self-respect when someone is so blatantly using you.

You will find your self-esteem starting to return to you when you've stood up for yourself and got him to leave.

If you can't do that just yet, can you explore ways of bolstering your self-esteem so you can get to the point where you can get rid of him? I needed to go to counselling first before I could get rid of my abusive ex - I just didn't feel sure enough of myself to take this step without building up to it.

You don't have to accept his behaviour as "you made your bed so lie in it". This doesn't have to be your punishment.

[MyNameIsKenAdams]

So, your options

one
Stay with him. Continue to fund both lives. Continue to resent him. Seethe silently every day. Regret breaking up your marriage for this.

two
Kick him out. Live alone. No resentment. No seething. Regret breaking up your marriage for this.

[FiscalCliffRocksThisTown]

unbelievably sad...

[YouAreTalkingRubbish]

OP, I am not sure if you have children or not but you may also want to consider your DPs children. I know they are not your responsibility but you must see that it is unfair on them (almost cruel) to allow this to continue. It's simply unkind to let this situation evolve when you are already resentful of them and their father. I don't know when your DP left his wife but if the children have already had a lot of disruption and upset in their lives it seems crazy to continue in a situation that seems destined to fail.

Have a read of the threads on the Step parent topic - I don't know how representative they are but if they don't scare you off I don't know what will.

[innisglas]

Well, in my humble opinion, anyone who goes through life saying that everything is always someone else's fault is extremely immature and not worth wasting time, money and effort on

[littlemisssarcastic]

OP, Have you ever actually spoken to his xw? Without your partner there? On the phone or in person, and asked her if she thinks the current set up is working for her?
I accept she may tell you to MYOB but OTOH she may tell you things which would surprise you.

[nauticant]

Nearly 20 years ago I made a catastrophic mistake in my private life. Among the immediate after-effects was spending about a year not sleeping while I fretted about what a mess I'd made. Eventually I realised that I needed to end the nightmare situation I'd got myself in to and did so.

Since then I've never been able to look at myself in quite the same way as I used to do. However, had I not swallowed the bitter pill, the unhappiness and overall fall-out would have been much worse.

Don't punish yourself OP. Don't be afraid of not having this bloke around.

[MaryWestmacott]

Kick him out, this week ideally. Do not stick with a shit situation because you don't want to admit to the world you made a massive mistake.

Then reassess, you can build new friendship networks, find a new man who's not going to be a drain on you, and build a new life. Do you have DCs?

[Stockhausen]

Are you saving face? Would you feel you'd failed if he leaves? Or that people would say 'told you so' ?

Life's too short for that kinda crap!

[Pumpkinpositive]

Did he leave his wife to be with you? Is that why you feel bound to put up with such a thankless situation?

Irrespective of the past, he doesn't sound as if he deserves to be with anyone.

[MadDogLady]

Pumpkinpositive Within a couple of weeks of us starting talking via FB (he's an ex from my teenage years) he had left his wife, stating that his marriage has been over for a while. I had no intention of starting a relationship with him, certainly not ending my marriage. It was just lovely nostalgic reminiscing with someone I dated 20 years ago. However I've lost count of the number of times he's told me he left his wife and children for me. I never asked him to.

[MadDogLady]

I have a 16 yr old DD. I put on a brave face in front of her, I don't want her to see what a mess I've made of everything.

[MaryWestmacott]

no, he left his wife for himself.

Just dump him, your DD doesn't need to see you being treated like shit.