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AIBU?

To be utterly fed up with this financial situation?

219 replies

MadDogLady · 24/02/2014 15:40

DP moved in with me 6 months ago. We discussed finances before he moved in. I earn slightly more than him, however although he seperate from his wife 2 years ago, and is now divorced, no financial settlement was made. In short, this means that a large proportion of DP's wages are taken up paying off the credit cards/loans that were taken out in his name during his marriage. The upshot being that he can't afford to give me anythung towards bills/food.

I knew this before he moved in, but 6 months on, it's really getting me down. I do (and pay for) the food shop each week, including stuff for his lunches at work, his alcohol (about £20 each week, which he's already said is non-negotiable), treats he asks for...if we go out, I pay. If we want to go on holiday, I pay.

I can't see how it's ever going to get better. He's still on the mortgage of his house he owns with his ex, which has a large amount of equity in it, but he's been told he's unlikely to be able to taken off the mortgage until his younger children are 16/18. This isn't for another 12/14 years.

AIBU to be fed up of supporting another adult, with no end in sight?

OP posts:

Report

Jux · 26/02/2014 10:41

OP, you are that strong capable woman. That 'you' is still there inside. It's just that at the moment she is being squashed and cramped, but she wants to get out and be herself again.

Spread your wings, MadDog. Let that woman out.

bibliomania · 26/02/2014 09:52

The strong person is still inside, OP, even if it doesn't feel that way. I think you're brave in beginning to face up to the truth, even if it's the last thing you want to do.

You don't have to kick him out tomorrow - it is a process of getting to grips with the situation and working out what you need to do.

jamtoast12 · 25/02/2014 21:18

No kids involved in his case.

jamtoast12 · 25/02/2014 21:18

Is that right bogeyface? My brother divorced his wife, kept the house 10 years paying everything etc and she got half of the lot 10 years later despite having not paid a penny. She was on the mortgage still but never lived there or paid a penny! All he was entitled too was some extra to cover what he'd spent on a boiler!

eeetheygrowupsofast · 25/02/2014 21:10

OP

I actually admire your honesty for saying you know what you have to do but are not sure you have the strength to do it.

Can you do it for your daughter?

I absolutely guarantee she is not happy in all of this.

You are 'putting on a brave face' but she is 16 and will see, hear and feel a hell of a lot of tension and unhappiness. I bet she can't stand your partner!

She has already lived with two other men other than this twatty guy, one of whom was abusive...and I'm assuming she doesn't see her bio father on top of all of that?

She deserves a long period of stability, she deserves a happy mother who puts her first and who is focussed on her. She'll only live with you for another few years and then she'll be gone. She (and you) need some peace and happiness. And financial security!

You CAN do this, sweetheart. You have to.

iggymama · 25/02/2014 20:50

This man is bleeding you dry, seriously what do you see in your future if you stay with him?

Maybe it was a mistake to leave your dh, maybe not. But please, please forgive yourself.

foreverondiet · 25/02/2014 20:44

I would ask him to move out and in with his parents until he has cleared his debts and can afford to contribute. Don't put up with it any more.

Bogeyface · 25/02/2014 20:41

The house is usually sold-especially if there's equity in it-to enable both partners to go their seperate ways....hhmmmm!!!

No it isnt, not if children are involved. Unless one forces the sale by proving there is enough equity to buy 2 new places, or one can afford to buy the other out, it is often left until the youngest is 18 before the parent without residence can request their portion of the equity. In my case, when DS reaches 18 the equity payment to my ex, £10,000, becomes due. The £10,000 is his half of the equity that was in the house on the day he stopped paying the mortgage. I will get the rest of the equity as I have paid the mortgage ever since, despite his name still being on it (as I couldnt get a mortgage of my own, even though I can afford the repayments). This was all agreed in the divorce and is perfectly legal.

Bogeyface · 25/02/2014 20:36

So you are prepared to stay with this man so you can justify your affair to all the people who have judged you and dropped you because of it?

That is fucking stupid.

I am not going to pass comment on what you did, but to stay in an unhappy relationship (and to put your child through that) just so people you dont see and speak to cant say "See I said it wouldnt last" is one of the silliest things I have heard.

Get out of this joke of a relationship. Live alone and get some counselling for you and your DC. She must be all over the place with the changes that have happened in her life, and you need to stop making such impulsive and damaging decisions.

shewhowines · 25/02/2014 20:29

If you aren't feeling strong enough now, think how you will be, further down the line, when he has worn away your self esteem even further. The situation can only get worse.

I think some therapy could be helpful too.

If he pays 25% on csa, what does he spend the rest on?

looselegs · 25/02/2014 20:27

If they are divorced,why wasn't the house sold as part of the divorce settlement or why wasn't his ex given the option of buying him out? I can't understand why he is still on the mortgage with a woman he is no longer married to on a house he no longer lives in-and he doesn't contribute towards the mortgage???The house is usually sold-especially if there's equity in it-to enable both partners to go their seperate ways....hhmmmm!!!

dreamingbohemian · 25/02/2014 20:21

You can get her back OP -- that strong, capable woman. You need to get rid of this guy and rebuild. But you can do it.

I bet when you are on your own again you will find you are stronger than you think.

Would you consider going to therapy? Just to have an outlet to talk and to seek some strength, to get some support. Do you have any other sources of support in real life?

MadDogLady · 25/02/2014 20:17

I have lived alone. I was alone when I had dd, then I after an abusive relationship when she was little I was alone for another 4 years, until I met my ex husband. The "me" now is unrecognisable to the strong, capable woman I was then.

OP posts:

MadDogLady · 25/02/2014 20:14

Sorry, I've been on a 12 hour shift at work, hence the radio silence.

No, I've not seen proof of his financials. But I know how much he earns (not a lot), and he pays 25% of this in CSA.

All the advice given is much appreciated, it really is. I know this situation can't continue. I know, in my heart of hearts, I'd be better off alone. But am I strong enough to do it? I really don't know.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 25/02/2014 18:54

You've made a mistake,4 we a

tb · 25/02/2014 18:50

OP, please have some counselling to fix your knackered self-esteem.

Ragwort · 25/02/2014 18:21

Please get rid of him; have some self respect - would you want your daughter to act like this? For her sake, if nothing else, you need to show her how to be an independent woman.

As Lady says, why are you so desperate for a man that you put up with someone who treats you like this.

LucyLasticBand · 25/02/2014 18:15

or she doesnt return because she has had her fill of advice .

expatinscotland · 25/02/2014 17:40

IME, the poster doesn't return because she has no intention of doing anything but let the freeloader continue to cocklodge.

What a fine example to set for your kids, put up with any ol' sack of shite excuse just to have a cock about.

shewhowines · 25/02/2014 17:38

If you don't respect yourself op, and refuse to be treated badly, why should anyone else respect you?

Demand respect in your relationship. No man is worth losing that for.

Roussette · 25/02/2014 17:28

Agree Beagle. Some women just don't feel validated unless they are attached to a man. Any man...

LadyBeagleEyes · 25/02/2014 17:26

I utterly despair at threads like this.
Why are some women so desperate for a man, any man, that they're willing to put up with this?
You won't be alone, you have your daughter and being alone can be wonderful, so much better than what you have now.

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Pumpkinpositive · 25/02/2014 17:12

I suspect the posts have hit home with the OP and she needs some serious thinking time at least I hope that's what she is doing

Serious lock changing, more like.

Roussette · 25/02/2014 16:59

I suspect the posts have hit home with the OP and she needs some serious thinking time at least I hope that's what she is doing

systemsmalfunction · 25/02/2014 16:27

You're not alone, you have your DD. ask him to move back to his parents. Tell him you are finding it all too much and would rather take things back a step to just dating

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