To be utterly fed up with this financial situation?

[MadDogLady]

DP moved in with me 6 months ago. We discussed finances before he moved in. I earn slightly more than him, however although he seperate from his wife 2 years ago, and is now divorced, no financial settlement was made. In short, this means that a large proportion of DP's wages are taken up paying off the credit cards/loans that were taken out in his name during his marriage. The upshot being that he can't afford to give me anythung towards bills/food.

I knew this before he moved in, but 6 months on, it's really getting me down. I do (and pay for) the food shop each week, including stuff for his lunches at work, his alcohol (about £20 each week, which he's already said is non-negotiable), treats he asks for...if we go out, I pay. If we want to go on holiday, I pay.

I can't see how it's ever going to get better. He's still on the mortgage of his house he owns with his ex, which has a large amount of equity in it, but he's been told he's unlikely to be able to taken off the mortgage until his younger children are 16/18. This isn't for another 12/14 years.

AIBU to be fed up of supporting another adult, with no end in sight?

[canyourearme]

Get rid. Honestly, what a user. And you are unhappy now without the dcs staying, wi get worse.

[DoJo]

Is he doing anything to pull his weight? Cleaning, decorating, other housework? Is there a reason he can't at least do the shopping if you are paying for it? Does he actually contribute anything to the relationship? How long will it take him to pay off his loans? If you are supporting him whilst he pays it all back, then you should at least have some idea of the state of his finances, in which case do you think you could salvage your relationship if he was contributing a bit more and being less of an entitled wanker.

[LucyLasticBand]

do you have to live together?
can you suggest you dont live together?

[MadDogLady]

DoJo no! I don't feel he pulls his weight round the house - he disagrees. He works Monday - Thursday, I do 12 hour shifts. My days off are spent cleaning/tidying etc, his days off are spent relaxing, with the occasional bit of housework if I lose my rag.

I agree that he's incredibly entitled it's a vicious circle, he says he's unwilling to do any decorating/home improvements because it's not "his house". I'm unwilling for it to be "his house" until he starts contributing.

[maddening]

He can apply for reduced payments on his debt for a start.

[LIZS]

All the time he has someone willing to keep him he has no incentive to take control of debts and other outgoings. What are you getting form the relationship ?

[LucyLasticBand]

what agreemenrt did you come to before he moved in?

[Braganza]

He doesn't need £20 on booze. If he wants to, he doesn't get lunch.

Why can't he remortgage to a longer term / lower payments? If he can't afford to eat, he can't afford this house for his DC and ex. Could he get a second job? If he can't pay his way, it's only your charity that's enabling him to survive, which isn't really on. I@m guessing there is a way out of this if he really wants to find it, but he's not really being forced to try when you're bailing him out.

[NigellasDealer]

cocklodger

[OneMoreCupOfTea]

He sounds truly dreadful, exactly what are you getting from this relationship? It is very suspicious that he can find the money for his alcohol when he needs it. You deserve better than this.

[TeacupDrama]

while his ex may be able to stay in house until children 18, it is not normal for him to have to pay mortgage is normal to pay maintenance which may cover some of the mortgage, he needs a better financial settlement

I think it is ultimatum time provided you mean it and if he responds positively you think the relationship can work, if it is too late just break up now rather than later

[MadDogLady]

There was no formal agreement before he moved in - just his promises that he'd sort things out. My rose tinted glasses made me believe that I'd be ok with paying for everything. My fault.

As far as debt management, I don't believe he can go on a DMP or similar as he works for a financial institution, and his credit rating has to be squeaky clean. So he's just stuck paying the minimum payments each month. I've warned him that his ex could default on the mortgage at any time, affecting his credit rating, but he doesn't seem overly concerned.

[PandaFeet]

His attitude is very much, everything is someone else's fault; I just want him to man up and take control.

That's a personality flaw that can't be fixed though. Even if he got a job paying double what he gets now, he would still be a grabby little weasel because he has no sense of responsibility.

I would guess that his ex would tell a different story to the one he is telling you, and infact, the debts he has run up in his name were entirely his and she was unwilling to take them on when they divorced.

[nauticant]

Is there anything positive about him living with you? I mean beyond the positives you'd get from living with a random bloke?

[MadDogLady]

TeacupDrama he's not paying the mortgage, just maintenance for the DC. However he's still named on the mortgage, with no chance of him being taken off, and getting his share of the equity.

[dreamingbohemian]

Why the hell are you with this loser?

I'm sorry but you would be absolutely mad to continue this setup.

Do you have your own kids? Your own dreams? What are you putting on hold while you're supporting him?

Get rid. You can do so much better.

[nauticant]

Do you have any idea where his money goes? Well, he'd like you to be left with the vague impression it heads in the direction of his ex and that's that but do you know any more than that?

[SoldAtAuction]

Cut him loose OP, this isn't going anywhere good, and in your heart, you know it.
Sometime we try, and it just doesn't work. This is one of those times.

[whattoWHO]

So he spends every single penny from his income on bills/credit cards/loans?
Does he pay child support?
Does he contribute to his exwife's mortgage?

Your posts show a distinct lack of affection and respect for him (unsurprisingly).

I can't see any redeeming qualities which might make you think twice about binning him.

[growingolddicustingly]

So he won't even help out in non financial ways eg decorating? If you were living rent free with all your basic needs plus some luxuries met, I imagine you would bend over backwards to do all you could in way of thanks. Why do you expect less from him? As Nigella very eloquently puts it cocklodger.

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

Wow.

I could say so much, but - you're a fool if you stay with this user. Really.

[Braganza]

Clearly the debts 'taken out in his name' weren't taken out without his knowledge; he's benefitted in the past and now you're paying. Unless he works in a regulated function, having a debt management plan shouldn't mean instant dismissal. Hiding it might though.

Without knowing the scale of his debts, your only option would seem to be to go 'hair shirt' for a few years, saving every penny and paying off debts. No booze, no holidays, no meals out, shop in Aldi. This is the life he should be leading anyway as it's what he can afford. You're now the provider of his credit rather than cards. From your post, I think you know this, so it's really as question of whether he's worth it.

[WooWooOwl]

Chuck him out!

If you still want a relationship with him then you can do that with him living at his parents, but you don't need to be a parent for him.

Seriously, you need to do something, this clearly isn't working and if you let it carry on you will end up hating him and being angry with yourself for being such a mug for so long.

What do you actually find attractive about a man that's as ineffectual as this?