To be utterly fed up with this financial situation?

[MadDogLady]

DP moved in with me 6 months ago. We discussed finances before he moved in. I earn slightly more than him, however although he seperate from his wife 2 years ago, and is now divorced, no financial settlement was made. In short, this means that a large proportion of DP's wages are taken up paying off the credit cards/loans that were taken out in his name during his marriage. The upshot being that he can't afford to give me anythung towards bills/food.

I knew this before he moved in, but 6 months on, it's really getting me down. I do (and pay for) the food shop each week, including stuff for his lunches at work, his alcohol (about £20 each week, which he's already said is non-negotiable), treats he asks for...if we go out, I pay. If we want to go on holiday, I pay.

I can't see how it's ever going to get better. He's still on the mortgage of his house he owns with his ex, which has a large amount of equity in it, but he's been told he's unlikely to be able to taken off the mortgage until his younger children are 16/18. This isn't for another 12/14 years.

AIBU to be fed up of supporting another adult, with no end in sight?

[whois]

Get a grip and throw him out, and then go looking for your self-esteem so that you can set some kind of example to your daughter.

^This

[JennyOnAPlate]

Have you seen any evidence that these debts actually exist op? Statements, bills etc?

[bellasuewow]

Sorry op you sound like his mother

[Roussette]

And think how much better off you will be if you knock this relationship on the head!

Use the money for you and your daughter and relish the new found independence.

[dashoflime]

OK,

Taking the financial stuff at face value for a second. If his debts are genuinely too high to allow him to support himself or contribute to your household- then he is in a very serious mess that needs sorting.

(I work in money advice and have seen people who are genuinely paying every single penny to service debt that just keeps growing and growing. Think late payment charge on top of late payment charge on top of interest- it can happen)

Show him to The National Debtline. It will give him the info he needs to renegotiate his payments and get some kind of grip on the situation.

Don't do it for him though- its his mess!

then kick him out

[MadDogLady]

I do believe him about his financial commitments. He's not paying the debts off, merely servicing them by making the minimum payment each month.

I - perhaps naively - don't think he's doing this maliciously. I think in his head he's still a teenager. He still judges me by things I did when we were together the first time, as if he's never moved on. His work colleagues are mainly young students, which I don't think helps.

[dashoflime]

MadDogLady If the minimum payments are enough to prevent him supporting himself- he needs to get help.

The situation can be resolved- but not by paying the minimum and letting it pile up. If its as bad as he says, he might need to get an IVA or bankruptcy even.

If his kids house is in his name, he really needs to get this sorted as it could end up getting repossessed!

That's assuming he's being straight with you of course.

[fryingpantoface]

You need to dump him. It doesn't sound like he's adding anything to your life

[Stripyhoglets]

So is he expecting to get his hands on part of your house eventually as well with the "it's not my house" comments? You would be crazy to carry on with this arrangement, he is using you.

[dashoflime]

Stripyhoglets That bothered me too!

[HazleNutt]

what dash said - he's in serious financial trouble if he can barely afford minimum payments on his debts. Oh, and could of course still find money for drinks, if he has to, but not food?

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

OH PLEASE DUMP HIM!

He should have stayed firmly in the past. Put him back there and get yourself back on track - please!

[FetchezLaVache]

But seriously, what's his money going on? He presumably pays the exw maintenance for the DCs, but he's not paying the mortgage, and he's only paying off the minimum amount on his credit card debt. Yet he can't afford to pay you a penny piece towards your bills or even his own food and booze. He's playing you, OP, like a fine Stradivarius.

It wouldn't be so bad if he were at least pulling his weight around the house, but he doesn't even have the sense of shame/gratitude/whatever to do that. This suggests that he is just a Grade A cocklodger. Why do you think so ill of yourself that you think this is preferable to being on your own with your DD for the last couple of years before she goes off to uni?

[CrotchMaven]

He needs to grow the fuck up. On his own.

Stop enabling him.

Seriousl, what's the worst that could happen if you ask him to move out until he's on a firmer footing more suitable for an actual adult relationship ? Think that through. What's the actual worst case scenario?

[CrotchMaven]

Oh, and is his cock golden? Because I'm single and could do with being touched by magic, if you're kicking him out. He's not moving in, mind...

[fanjolina]

Dump him and dump him fast. You'll never resolve your self- esteem issues whilst with him and you are creating an appalling example to your DD of what a committd relationship is about.

If you can't swallow your pride for yourself, do it for her.

[grimbletart]

One question. What are you doing with him?

[MeMySonAndI]

Honestly, you havd got yourself a cocklodger, get him out before you get more aytached to him!

[MeMySonAndI]

Attached, even!

[Inertia]

So you made a mistake in the way your marriage ended.

Then you made a bigger mistake in letting this leech move in.

Continuing to press on with the second mistake won't cancel out the first.

If you kick him out you won't have a boyfriend but you will at least keep your financial security. Stick with him and you face a lifetime of resentment and debt accrued to service his non- negotiable requirements.

[43percentburnt]

Have you seen proof of his incomings and outgoings? Ie payslip and credit file? Is he really this poor?

My first LTB. Don't let your daughter think she must support the men in her life and keep them in beer etc. he is an arse, you can do better, much much better.

[43percentburnt]

If he is this insolvent he sounds like he may end up with bad credit anyway. Did you say he has to have good credit for work? I really hope he does not give financial advice to the public...

[SnapCackleFlop]

MadDogLady I think you are putting up with all this because you think you deserve it. You don't.

Please do what you have to do so that you and your daughter can be strong, independent and happy. You are clearly able to support yourself financially so his only contribution is emotional ........

Please repeat after me, 'I don't deserve this crap...'