To be utterly fed up with this financial situation?

[MadDogLady]

DP moved in with me 6 months ago. We discussed finances before he moved in. I earn slightly more than him, however although he seperate from his wife 2 years ago, and is now divorced, no financial settlement was made. In short, this means that a large proportion of DP's wages are taken up paying off the credit cards/loans that were taken out in his name during his marriage. The upshot being that he can't afford to give me anythung towards bills/food.

I knew this before he moved in, but 6 months on, it's really getting me down. I do (and pay for) the food shop each week, including stuff for his lunches at work, his alcohol (about £20 each week, which he's already said is non-negotiable), treats he asks for...if we go out, I pay. If we want to go on holiday, I pay.

I can't see how it's ever going to get better. He's still on the mortgage of his house he owns with his ex, which has a large amount of equity in it, but he's been told he's unlikely to be able to taken off the mortgage until his younger children are 16/18. This isn't for another 12/14 years.

AIBU to be fed up of supporting another adult, with no end in sight?

[Pumpkinpositive]

. If it's any comfort, you have probably done his wife the favour of a lifetime. Imagine spending xx years and having kids with such a shiftless, manipulative, using twat. You can and should walk away. She'll always be tethered to him through the kids.

Everyone makes mistakes. Don't punish yourself by staying with someone who treats you like this.

[Pumpkinpositive]

HE has probably done his wife a favour, that should read.

[LessMissAbs]

now divorced, no financial settlement was made. In short, this means that a large proportion of DP's wages are taken up paying off the credit cards/loans that were taken out in his name during his marriage. The upshot being that he can't afford to give me anythung towards bills/food

Whats that got to do with any financial settlement on divorce? He works, the bills are in his name, why would you assume his ex wife would pay something towards them?

He's not spun you a line about her making him take them out, has he? Because if she did, no way on earth would his divorce settlement not reflect this. It is equally possible that he financially used his ex in the same way that he did you, and that his financial situation reflects this. Have you ever seen any evidence that his name is still on the house deeds or any solicitor's letter confirming why this is so?

Why is he only paying the minimum amount on his cards? Does he have any children to support? If he only works 4 days a week, why doesn't he get a second, part time job to pay off his debts? If he can only afford to pay off the minimum on his debts and not pay for his own accommodation and food, then he would be as well going bankrupt and starting afresh in a year's time.

I don't think he is telling you the truth. He is a very expensive boyfriend - is he really worth all this cost? You could dump him and get a self-funding one?!

[BlueDesmarais]

He's basically using you to pay for everything while he pays off his debts and sits around.

Yuck!

[ENormaSnob]

Hows about putting your daughter first?

[pussycatdoll]

I bet his ex is glad to be rid of him
He sounds a useless twat
I'd kick him out & go back rive king to your ex & friends
Honestly fb !

[juneau]

You're a mug OP. Sorry, but you are and its clear that no one close to you can say that to you. This man is taking you for a ride and you're letting him! More fool you.

[pussycatdoll]

Sorry grovelling

[whois]

Oh OP don't stay in this situation!

He's 100% bad news and you need to get rid. Can't believe you let such a useless waste of space into
your house when you have a child. Grow a pair and kick him out.

[dreamingbohemian]

Ok yes, you've made a big mistake. But you have a long life ahead of you still and there's no point throwing it down the toilet to save face.

The sooner you get rid of him, the sooner you can start to rebuild and be happy again.

[MadDogLady]

Apparently he's been advised not to try to clear his debts until there is a financial settlement with his ex wife.

[YouAreTalkingRubbish]

What are you going to do OP?

[expatinscotland]

Who cares? He's a cocklodging reject. His wife is well rid of him.

[Cabrinha]

"Apparently".
I suspect he's talking bollocks.
If he's not clearing the debts personally - I guess so that they remain shared debts - then by paying the minimum he should be better off than usual.
Where is his money going? He should be better off than ever.
That's what I'd want to know.
Well - I wouldn't, I'd just end it. He sounds mean to you quite apart from the money,

[LessMissAbs]

He could be well holding her to ransom to try and get some money out of her to get his name off the title deeds. But who knows if he had her paying for his food as well!

I remember when I advertised a room in my flat for rent a few years back. I had visions of a nice young person who had just started out renting from me, and that's what I was careful to end up with.

But I also got a surprising number of calls from middle aged men who were "being thrown out by their girlfriend". Seemingly quite decent men in jobs, well spoken. I wonder how many of them were in the situation of the OP's boyfriend. I bet they were looking for their next meal and rent ticket! I even had one man's mother phoning up for him, to slag off his ex who was "throwing him out with hardly any notice" (that one was divorced too).

OP, you already sound fed up of him, the sooner you get rid of him, the better. If he is a decent man he will want to see you again once he can stand on his own two feet. If not, he's not worth having. He can always have a look on Gumtree for somewhere to rent!

[OnlyLovers]

he says he's unwilling to do any decorating/home improvements because it's not "his house"

This and the non-negotiable alcohol thing would be deal-breakers for me.

[Pollyputthekettle]

Get rid.

[PooroldJumbo]

We all make mistakes all the time. Some are small and others are whoppers, but it does happen to all of us. So you've made a mistake, don't feel ashamed and don't punish yourself. You've taken the first step in recognising the mistake. The second step is taking action to rectify the mistake.
Maybe being on your own does feel a daunting step but it's got to be better than this situation.
Your daughter may have realised that you've made a mistake and that you know it. Now is your chance to show her that no woman should put up with a rubbish relationship and to prove that her future is in her own hands by taking control of your own.

[gamerchick]

for christs sake give yourself a rattle OP.

he's majorly taking the piss and filling you full of shit to boot.

If you really dont want to part with him just tell him to move out back to his mothers.. you can still be together.. you never know you might prefer him not being there.

Just tell him you can't afford to have him living there.. if he's a decent dude then he'll comply.

[K8Middleton]

How can you bear such a total loser any where near you?

Take it in small steps:

1. Pack his bags
   
2. Get locks changed
   
3. Leave bags on doorstep
   
4. Facebook message him that he has to leave your home immediately. It is over because he is a cocklodger

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

You may have made some whopper mistakes OP, but believe me the biggest of those will be you letting the rest of your life - a looong time - get screwed up from here on in because you didn't have the guts to admit you made a mistake and chuck him out.

Yes, better to be alone than with a cocklodging user - who sounds as if he played a good hand in grabbing onto you for dear life and using you as a springboard to get him out of his marriage and get his feet under someone else's table. In fact, there's probably nothing MORE alone and lonely-making than being in a situation like this - where the person who's supposed to be your support and friendship and comfort is the source of stress and resentment.

Get rid, now.

You're out of your marriage - maybe that's a disaster, maybe that's all to the good. But you move forward from here. You don't have to stay with this guy.

You have so many years ahead of you - you could be moving forward and spending your time much more valuably on working out what went so wrong and staying out of relationships for a while. You could be making some amends with your friends and family. Above all, you could show your daughter that it's best to cut your losses and move on when something doesn't work out and there's no shame in saying 'I was wrong - I made a mistake.'

[MaryWestmacott]

Op, if you're not 100% ready to end the relationship, you could ask him to move out to his mothers and say you don't want to live together and be economically linked until his financial situation is sorted. Even if that means waiting 12 years until he can sell the house, that might focus the mind somewhat.

Then start rebuilding your life, your dd at 16 doesn't need any childcare so you can start working on a social life, are you sure you've lost all your old friends? Can you contact any and see if they really wouldn't like to meet for a coffee.

[Roussette]

he sounds like a total idiot. What the heck is wrong OP with being on your own? Why can't you? Surely you aren't that desperate for company? If so, just go off to some holiday resort like the Gambia and give all your money to some shyster or other because you are bankrolling this bloke so there is no difference in the two scenarios.

Work on your self esteem and realise that you don't need a man all the time to complete you.