To be utterly fed up with this financial situation?

[MadDogLady]

DP moved in with me 6 months ago. We discussed finances before he moved in. I earn slightly more than him, however although he seperate from his wife 2 years ago, and is now divorced, no financial settlement was made. In short, this means that a large proportion of DP's wages are taken up paying off the credit cards/loans that were taken out in his name during his marriage. The upshot being that he can't afford to give me anythung towards bills/food.

I knew this before he moved in, but 6 months on, it's really getting me down. I do (and pay for) the food shop each week, including stuff for his lunches at work, his alcohol (about £20 each week, which he's already said is non-negotiable), treats he asks for...if we go out, I pay. If we want to go on holiday, I pay.

I can't see how it's ever going to get better. He's still on the mortgage of his house he owns with his ex, which has a large amount of equity in it, but he's been told he's unlikely to be able to taken off the mortgage until his younger children are 16/18. This isn't for another 12/14 years.

AIBU to be fed up of supporting another adult, with no end in sight?

[Timetoask]

Well, don't know what you were expecting of a man that leaves his little children for someone he connected with on Facebook, had to be a lowlife really.

[LIZS]

Is there any chance you lost your friends because they saw this coming and hoped you'd listen to their warnings? If so get back in touch and build bridges , failing that find some new friends , take up an interest , anything that will get you out and about. Pure conjecture but I'd think he would hate the idea of you finding other support and may even have sought to separate you from friends in the past, in case they enabled you to see through him .

[LessMissAbs]

If he gets arsy about moving out, you could always make him up an invoice for board and lodgings for the period and present it to him.

[BMW6]

If you kick him out you won't be alone - you have your Daughter.

What about putting her needs before your own ? You know, concentrate on being a parent, supply a stable home life and financial security TO HER.

[Southeastdweller]

Wow, the guy is living the life of riley living with you.

I'd tell him he needs to get a second job or he's out.

[MamaMary]

Some MN double standards on this thread.

OP leaves her husband - everyone assumes 'there must have been problems/ something wrong with him/ the marriage'.

If it was a DH leaving his DW, no such assumptions would be made.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

OP are you deep down thinking of this as some kind of penance for your behaviour? If you pay enough and suffer enough then it will atone for your sins?

Get a grip and throw him out, and then go looking for your self-esteem so that you can set some kind of example to your daughter.

[TheCatThatSmiled]

His ex is paying the mortgage while he sits back and waits for the equity at some point in the future. Meanwhile he has 0 living expensis as you are paying for his good, drink and roof over his heard. While he uses his money to pay off his debts.

Give it a few years, he'll be rolling in it, you will be in debt. Then he'll force a sale when his youngest turns 18 (how old are they btw) and will up and buy his own place. Leaving you high and dry.

You and his ex are funding his cushy future. What's in it for you?

[falulahthecat]

Have you gone through his finances yourself? Do you know exactly what goes in and out?
Are you sure he cannot contribute anything?

[TheCatThatSmiled]

If you don't get rid, you will never find someone who is loving and decent.

[MorrisZapp]

You're a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Because you feel you've invested so much, you don't want to walk away. But that investment is gone now anyway. All you're doing now is chucking good money after bad, both emotionally and in real cash.

Cut your losses. The minute you dump him your life is on the up again.

[MamaMary]

I'm afraid I don't have much sympathy for you, OP. You walked into this knowingly. That said, you don't need to punish yourself now. You're bank-rolling this loser's future - as others have said - and he doesn't deserve it. So walk away and put your DD first for once.

[MyMILisfromHELL]

In short, get rid.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

If he's not paying rent. Or bills. Or for food. Or for alcohol. Or for treats. Or for meals out. Or for holidays.

And he's not paying his debts off.

Where exactly is his money going?

Loads of people have said KTBO (kick the bastard out) and I quite agree.

However, if you are not ready to do that how about you start by asking to go through his finances so you can work out what is going on.

Another thought - is your daughter due to go to Uni in 18 months or so? The £20 a week you spend on your "d"p's alcohol adds up to about £1000 a year. If you refused to pay for the alcohol and instead stashed the money in a secret account then you would be able to surprise your dd with about £1600 when she starts Uni. And if you kept saving the £20 a week you'd be amble to give her another £300 every term.

[EirikurNoromaour]

This is pathetic.
Sorry you made a shit decision, but continuing with that shit decision is really pathetic.

[DinahLady]

He's telling you it's non negotiable for you to hand over £80 a month of your own money for him to spend on alcohol?! Have I got that right?! The cheek of him!
Tell him you can't afford it! Nothing wrong with spending £20 a week on alcohol (couple of decent bottles of wine or whatever would come to that) if you can afford it, but he can't! Totally outrageous to tell you that you have to cough it up. I'd be telling him no actually, I'm sorry but I just don't have the money spare. If he suddenly finds money to buy it, you'll know he was just trying it on and has some money really.

[CrotchMaven]

As I am sure has been pointed out, you are paying his debts. That goes beyond cheeky bastard territory.

Tell him the living together thing isn't working for you, get him to move out and spend the extra cash you'll have on some counselling. You don't have to split up immediately (although I'm not sure why you wouldn't) and you'll have a hand to hold when you do.

You've got to extricate yourself from this money pit in short order. Because, as many women have found to their great cost, once your purse is empty, he'll be on the sniff for another.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Is your husband (ex husband) paying YOU maintenance, OP? Because, quite frankly, if I were him, I would not be impressed AT ALL that I was still contributing to your household income (albeit for your DD) only for your "D"P to be pissing some of that household income down the bog while contributing nothing himself.

[paxtecum]

Love: get rid.

You don't need a man in your life right now.

Spend time with your DD before she leaves home in a couple of years.

Save up and go for some weekends away with her.

Get a hobby.

Get rid of him.

Best wishes to you.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

I really think you need to admit to yourself that you made a HUGE mistake, get rid of the fling who it seems just used you as a way to leave his marriage, and move forward making a new life for you and your DD.

[Lilly20again]

Op you need to think how you would deal with this if you were 21 without responsibilites.

Then take that path. Forget your embarrassment, we all make mistakes, they just make us stronger.

Have you ever lived alone? I think it's empowering and actually SO much better than you will think it will be. I lived alone for three years, such good times.

[thatstripedthing]

Having just been through a divorce myself, I think I can quite confidently say that it virtually impossible for a judge to grant a divorce without a financial settlement in place. I think it's worse than you think because he is playing you for a fool on top of rinsing you

[HazleNutt]

I might have missed something, but "he's been advised not to try to clear his debts until there is a financial settlement with his ex wife" - so he is actually not paying the debts off, as you said in the OP? He doesn't pay the mortgage for the previous house? He doesn't pay for anything else either? What the heck does he do with his money?