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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask whether we were being grabby with our own wedding invites?

203 replies

polythenespam · 21/02/2014 09:21

Having read so many threads on this since getting married, I'm worrying a bit that we did the wrong thing and would appreciate honest replies (hence here in AIBU!)

Ok, so we had a very small family wedding (only 16 guests, all of whom were close family - parents; siblings & partners; aunts & uncles.)

DH and I had only lived together for a year before getting married, and being a bit cash-strapped too there were things we "needed" for our home (well, nobody needs a new set of saucepans or to replace their threadbare towels, but it was more of a traditional setting up home together scenario if you see what I mean.)

However we didn't really like the traditional wedding gift list idea - there always seems to be slightly odd items on them in order to cater for all budgets - so what we did was register a wedding gift card with Debenhams. The idea being that guests can contribute money onto it, and then obviously you can spend as you wish.

We put little information cards about it in with the invites, people were very generous and we were able to buy lots of lovely things for our home.

But I am worried now that we did the wrong thing by a)including info with the invites, and b)by effectively asking for money

Given that it was all close family, were we being grabby?

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 22/02/2014 11:49

It's fine to have a gift list, but it's not good to include it in the invitation. People should be free to choose a gift they want to, not have it dictated to them. If they do want help with this though, this is when they can ask for a list. The poems are really tacky, especially when asking for money.

cardibach · 22/02/2014 11:50

Ronald - where do you live? What sort of social group do you move in?
I am nearly 50 and have attended many weddings. I don't remember any without a gift list or evening do. I have certainly never attended a wedding with a free bar - there has been some wine with dinner and fizz for a toast, but not a free bar. I am intrigued at how totally different our experiences are.
OP YANBU (or in any way unusual)

HappyMummyOfOne · 22/02/2014 11:54

I disagree joysmum, you didnt see your friend as being grabby but i would have done as would others.

They might be nice people but its still grabby to expect a gift and very tacky to dictate what that gift should be.

RonaldMcDonald · 22/02/2014 11:59

The first time I had heard of a wedding where guests paid at the bar was on mumsnet.
The same with gift lists...although I was aware of those from work

notanotherusername1 · 22/02/2014 12:03

Different event but a good friend of ours recently had a large 40th birthday bash. Invites said along the lines of 'No Presents' but still some people arrived with a gift. It did seem very odd to arrive empty handed and I guess that's why some bought a gift. Quite a few of us clubbed together a few days later and had a fruit basket delivered. (yes that's what some of us are reduced to getting excited about at 40) Smile

SingMoreWhenYoureWinning · 22/02/2014 12:09

That means people worry about what the couple wants and the onus is on them to contact/find out!

So you're always provided with a gift list? It's generally acceptable so that people don't have to 'worry' or think about what to buy?

So would you give one out for:

Your/your childs birthday party?
An engagement or anniversary party?
Christmas?

Afterall, all of these events are such that the person attending usually would give a gift.

Why is a wedding different? At the end of the day, after the ceremony is done, 'all' it is is a party for the guests and couple.

A gift list included in a wedding invite has become somewhat normalised...however being 'usual' does NOT make it less fucking rude.

notanotherusername1 · 22/02/2014 12:14

Personally I would love a gift list for every event mentioned. Especially a child's party. It would save me having to think what a child I hardly know likes or have they already got A B or C. Perhaps I would like even more just popping cash in the card. Anything for an easy life, I am rubbish at selecting things other people would like. I enjoy giving but do like to think they are getting something they want or need or just something nice.

cardibach · 22/02/2014 12:17

So you said, Ronald. That wasn't what I was asking. I was asking where you live and in what social grouping you move to try and explain why your experience of weddings is do totally different from mine. Are you going to tell me or leave me to wonder?

YoureAllABunchOfBastards · 22/02/2014 12:29

I must have a really rude friendship group. Every wedding I have ever been to included a gift list in amongst the piles of bumf about accommodation, timings, maps etc - some money, some presents, some charity sites.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 22/02/2014 12:30

living i wasn't being pedantic or insulting. I'm sorry if my words offended you.
As I said, I'm sure it wasn't your intention, but when you prefix an amount of money with "only" it sounds like you were expecting more. Or at the very least it highlights the fact that it was a modest amount.
As the thread is all about how ppl come across when asking for money, I think the details are relevant.
That doesn't mean I think you were "grabby" or ungrateful.
Just that it's really easy to appear a bit, I dunno, self absorbed or tactless when weddings and gift lists etc are concerned.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 22/02/2014 12:35

And yes, I too would be happy with a gift list for most events.

But it's such a hard thing to get right because of the Amount you're asking ppl to spend.

We didn't have a gift list when we married because I felt uncomfortable asking for things. But that did irritate some ppl who said it wasn't fair to leave guests with no guidance.

livelablove · 22/02/2014 12:41

I haven't read thread but I think it was fine, esp as people could contribute how much they wanted and you wouldn't know how much they gave. Also a small family do where they are helping you set up home is different than one of those massive grand weddings where the people don't need the money.

ZanyMobster · 22/02/2014 12:43

Me to YoureAll I have also never been to a wedding with a free bar!

I would definitely be happy with a gift list for kids parties but I thinking would say it was rude. If wedding gift lists have been happening for 90ish years then I guess that's why it seems normal to me as they have always happened since I have been going to weddings. I really can't find the energy to be bothered about it regardless of what MN says.

pandarific · 22/02/2014 12:46

I find the view on 'grabby' invites bizarre. OP, what you did sounds fine to me, wouldn't sweat it a minute.

Viviennemary · 22/02/2014 12:47

People have different ideas of what is correct. However, I don't agree with requests in wedding invitations. People should wait to be asked. IMHO. And if people can't be bothered dealing with phonecalls asking what they'd like then frankly I don't think they deserve anything.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/02/2014 14:00

People should wait to be asked. IMHO ... And if people can't be bothered dealing with phonecalls asking what they'd like then frankly I don't think they deserve anything

Exactly Smile

Supercosy · 22/02/2014 14:09

I'd much rather people had gift lists for weddings. If I'm going to buy a present it makes me feel good that it's something the person actually wants. If there's nothing on the list that I can afford then I get something different but I really don't think a gift list is grabby, I think it's practical.

Supercosy · 22/02/2014 14:10

I've also never been to a wedding with a completely free bar.

splasheeny · 22/02/2014 14:28

Debretts says it is fine to include a gift list in the invite. It is only a suggestion and saves everyone a lot of hassle. I think it is very English to get so worked up about this!

YouAreTalkingRubbish · 22/02/2014 14:53

OP, I wouldn't worry about it.

However, it is not something I would (or did) myself but it's not unusual. I also wouldn't (and didn't) include a present list. I find it a bit tacky.

If you include a phone number on the invite then it's hardly difficult for guests to contact you to ask what you would like for a present.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 22/02/2014 16:36

IMO if it is too much hassle to deal with people asking for gift ideas after the invitations have gone out then the wedding has probably got too big.

For me putting the gift list/cash request in with the invitation is an implication that anyone 'privileged' enough to be invited to the wedding should give the couple a gift.

ZanyMobster · 22/02/2014 16:45

Ronald the first time I heard of a completely free bar was on MN!

trixymalixy · 22/02/2014 16:47

I've never been to a wedding with a free bar either.

eeetheygrowupsofast · 22/02/2014 16:51

I've been to a few weddings with free bars. We had free wine and beer all night, not spirits. Our 'very reasonable' wedding ended up costing us a shedload more on the night and we had to shove it on credit cards. That was very clever of us Hmm. Still was a fantastic party so no regrets!

FamiliesShareGerms · 22/02/2014 16:58

But, but, but it is entirely traditional to give gifts to a couple getting married! Either symbolic (eg fertility related), practical (setting up home from scratch is a big deal, even if these days few couples are both getting married from their parents' homes), or cold hard cash (see various Mediterranean countries).

So to pretend it is presumptuous to assume that a wedding guest would bring a present is somewhat peculiar, IMHO. Perhaps that's what makes a wedding different from things like a silver wedding anniversary party, where a gift might not be given. (Though personally I just can't turn up empty handed to an event, but that probably says something about me. And no, I don't give to receive!)

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