Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask whether we were being grabby with our own wedding invites?

203 replies

polythenespam · 21/02/2014 09:21

Having read so many threads on this since getting married, I'm worrying a bit that we did the wrong thing and would appreciate honest replies (hence here in AIBU!)

Ok, so we had a very small family wedding (only 16 guests, all of whom were close family - parents; siblings & partners; aunts & uncles.)

DH and I had only lived together for a year before getting married, and being a bit cash-strapped too there were things we "needed" for our home (well, nobody needs a new set of saucepans or to replace their threadbare towels, but it was more of a traditional setting up home together scenario if you see what I mean.)

However we didn't really like the traditional wedding gift list idea - there always seems to be slightly odd items on them in order to cater for all budgets - so what we did was register a wedding gift card with Debenhams. The idea being that guests can contribute money onto it, and then obviously you can spend as you wish.

We put little information cards about it in with the invites, people were very generous and we were able to buy lots of lovely things for our home.

But I am worried now that we did the wrong thing by a)including info with the invites, and b)by effectively asking for money

Given that it was all close family, were we being grabby?

OP posts:
TotallyBenHanscom · 21/02/2014 10:09

Sounds like a great idea to me OP. Great for the bride and groom and super-convenient for the guest. And with the added bonus that that guest can spend whatever they're comfortable with.

Who are the people that get their knickers in a twist about this sort of thing?

ThursdayLast · 21/02/2014 10:09

If its bad manners to send with the invite, when DO you send it?

TheRealAmandaClarke · 21/02/2014 10:11

I would not have minded that.
Not grabby IMO.

I groan at some gift lists containing only a few "affordable" items and heavily laden with furniture or expensive electronics tbh. But that's not the same thing in my view.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 21/02/2014 10:11

when DO you send it?

You don't.

You TELL people who ASK that there is a gift list at X store.

SomethingkindaOod · 21/02/2014 10:13

Some of us obviously move in grabber circles than others! As I mentioned up thread, we requested vouchers, I've been to many weddings, christening and birthdays where the hosts have requested cash or vouchers themselves. I'd rather give a gift that will be used or spent than something that will sit gathering dust for years.
Our vouchers among other things bought a new mattress for our bed and a new kettle. Both of which were third hand (we were almost the definition of skint when we moved in together with a tiny baby). Our guests knew how grateful we were for their generosity, and we have tried to repay that over the years by being as generous as we can.

HappyMummyOfOne · 21/02/2014 10:15

I think its just a sign of the times as to how grabby and entitled people are nowadays. Firms cash in by making those god damn awful postboxes so guests can post their gift (entry fee) etc.

Then a few months later the couple will annouce their pregnancy and have a baby shower as surely they cant be expected to kit their child out themselves Hmm

gordyslovesheep · 21/02/2014 10:16

we didn't do a gift list or ask for anything - it caused a massive headache with endless calls asking what we wanted - we said 'just for you to be there' which didn't wash - so in the end we said Argos vouchers

not grabby - people who loved us wanted to buy a gift

MaidOfStars · 21/02/2014 10:20

Have you ever been to a wedding which: Didn't have a gift list?

Yes. Lots. Have attended many many weddings and only last year did I experience my first 'gift card in invitation' moment. My heart sank a little, I won't lie.

SidandAndyssextoy · 21/02/2014 10:21

We stuck a list number in our invitation, as every wedding invitation I've ever had has done, barring one which was a tiny wedding and asked for a short list of things directly. I didn't bat an eyelid at getting them, and as I was late to marry, most of my guests were either family or friends I'd already bought presents for.

We did make a bit of a joke about having gone crazy with the zapper (it was a longer list than I'd ever imagined), and also put details of a very personal charity that we got some very generous donations to in lieu of gifts, so I guess some people might have objected to our list. We also said, truthfully, that our friends' presence was more important than anything, and some people didn't buy us a gift at all. We only had two things that were at all expensive, and close family bought one and a work collection bought the other.

trixymalixy · 21/02/2014 10:22

Don't get the angst about it myself. I would never go to a wedding without a gift. I would like them to have something they need/would like. If that's money towards their honeymoon or a fridge or whatever then I'd rather give that than give them something that they already have or will sit in a cupboard unused.

Poems are cringey though.

ThursdayLast · 21/02/2014 10:22

But what if there isn't a gift list at X store? What if you set one up and no one asks?
I've never asked IF i should take a gift or money, because I consider it a given. I know plenty of others who believe this too, so why make their lives more difficult by not mentioning it at all?!

I think this is a bit of an MN phenomenon, probably because people who get offended by 'entitled brides' only feel able to vent on the internet Wink

Poloholo · 21/02/2014 10:22

For most of the weddings I attend, there are a mix of school, university and work friends as well as family. So impractical to expect that bride's mother can spread the word about gift lists and a pain in the arse for guests to have to try and track down what the bride and groom had in mind.

We had a John Lewis gift list but didn't include those cards as I don't like them myself. Instead we made a short reference to it in the information sheet we included, along the lines of if any guests wanted to get us a present, we had a small list with John Lewis that could be accessed via [details].

Personally I don't have an issue with gift lists assuming contents are sane. I don't mind buying gift vouchers when people are looking to put towards a large item (sofa, white goods) or to do their house up. I'm not wild on vouchers towards paying for the honeymoon and I don't like requests for cash. At heart I'd prefer the gift to go towards making their married home comfortable and where there are gift lists I pick things that I hope will last such as contributing towards a nice dinner service. But at the end of the day I'll what is requested within reason and just roll eyes towards myself.

specialsubject · 21/02/2014 10:24

not grabby at all. An invite to a wedding is an invite to a party. When you go to a party you take a gift for the host.

trixymalixy · 21/02/2014 10:25

I much prefer people to put in the invitation what they would like, much less hassle/awkward than having to phone them up and ask.

maillotjaune · 21/02/2014 10:26

I think it is a bit different if your only guests are close family but generally I would say it is best to avoid any mention if gifts with the invitation.

Of course I would expect to give something, but would personally like to feel I have a choice of buying something personal, asking for gift list details if it's someone I'm not sure what to buy for, or even giving a cheque if I wanted to.

And my kids have never written a list for Santa (nor did I or my sister or DH, this isn't a standard thing although that might be because of our parents being forrin), I didn't have baby showers, I don't ask for Christmas or birthday presents and I think most people I know are pretty similar.

SidandAndyssextoy · 21/02/2014 10:26

OP, by the way, we've been unable to get to two weddings of close friends recently. We knew well in advance it would be impossible so neither even sent us the invitation. One was family so we found out where the list and bought them something off it. The other friends we just bought them something and sent it directly, and accidentally bought them something that was on their list! Because when the people we care about get married, we want to give them gifts, and they had given them to us.

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 21/02/2014 10:32

I think it was totally fine and YANBU. I much prefer to know what the couple want.

If people don't want to do the gift voucher, they will let you know and you can discuss what they want to do.

If they want to slag you off behind your back, you'll most likely not know anyway so don't sweat it.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 21/02/2014 10:34

I think what you did was fine.

When DH and I got married he was the first grandchild to do so and we were very traditional in almost everything we did. We sent out the invites - no save the day card though MIL told everyone the date within 24 hours of us choosing it - and put a card in saying to call her if anyone needed information on the directions, accommodation or gift list. There was no issue with this and everyone bought us a gift except my Grandmother who sent a large cheque. Since then other grandchildren have married and only one couple had a gift list. We have had a few "presence not presents" comments and some where nothing was said at all. In all cases we sent a cheque but I would much prefer the fun of choosing from their gift list.

Yonineedaminute · 21/02/2014 10:43

I think its just a sign of the times as to how grabby and entitled people are nowadays. Firms cash in by making those god damn awful postboxes so guests can post their gift (entry fee) etc.

You are way behind the times - it's always the 'highly original' vintage suitcase now that is used for the gift envelopes!

However, we went to a wedding where they didn't have anywhere to put those envelopes, and dh got really pissed and lost the envelope and the vouchers we had put inside Angry

Edendance · 21/02/2014 10:44

No! that's fine. I always take a gift when I am a wedding guest- whatever the couple likes, if that's a gift from a list or vouchers or money, it's all the same to me.

I'd much prefer the info up front in the invitation rather than faffing having to contact someone to get the info. All the fake coyness just gives everyone extra work to do- crazy when it should just go in the invite.

Capitola · 21/02/2014 10:49

I think it's vulgar to ask for money or vouchers or mention a list with an invitation.

trixymalixy · 21/02/2014 10:53

Vulgar? Are you Hyacinth Bucket?

flowerygirl · 21/02/2014 10:55

Don't worry OP, this is completely normal. Every single wedding I've been to (except one) has asked for money or provided a gift list. Sure as the bride wears a dress, they exchange rings and there's a cake- you give a gift. It's completely normal.

Those who say they could never dream of including a gift list or request for cash or vouchers in the invite....Modesty is just arrogance in disguise.

Funnyfoot · 21/02/2014 10:57

Lucky your not invited to the OP's wedding Capitola as it would be awful for your special day as a guest to be feeling vulgar about the whole gift situation!

some folk do make me chuckle Grin

Stinklebell · 21/02/2014 10:57

I'd much prefer the info up front in the invitation rather than faffing having to contact someone to get the info. All the fake coyness just gives everyone extra work to do- crazy when it should just go in the invite.

Me too.

All this second guessing gets on my wick, want cash/vouchers/have a gift list? That's fine, put it in the invite then I don't have to ring round a load of people to find out

Vulgar my arse. It's a friend's wedding for fucks sake