to ask whether we were being grabby with our own wedding invites?

[polythenespam]

Having read so many threads on this since getting married, I'm worrying a bit that we did the wrong thing and would appreciate honest replies (hence here in AIBU!)

Ok, so we had a very small family wedding (only 16 guests, all of whom were close family - parents; siblings & partners; aunts & uncles.)

DH and I had only lived together for a year before getting married, and being a bit cash-strapped too there were things we "needed" for our home (well, nobody needs a new set of saucepans or to replace their threadbare towels, but it was more of a traditional setting up home together scenario if you see what I mean.)

However we didn't really like the traditional wedding gift list idea - there always seems to be slightly odd items on them in order to cater for all budgets - so what we did was register a wedding gift card with Debenhams. The idea being that guests can contribute money onto it, and then obviously you can spend as you wish.

We put little information cards about it in with the invites, people were very generous and we were able to buy lots of lovely things for our home.

But I am worried now that we did the wrong thing by a)including info with the invites, and b)by effectively asking for money

Given that it was all close family, were we being grabby?

I don't really see the difference between putting gift list details on an invite and putting them on a wedding website but hey ho!

To be honest, I kind of prefer giving a "monetary" gift - I always feel a prize twat when I ended up buying a pestle and mortar or a set of pans for friends, it seems a bit meaningless

I've had friends who asked for a contribution to their honeymoon, and I know they will have spent that money having a lovely time. Another pair who did those honeymoon experience-type things, so we bought them a trip to a tortoise sanctuary (and chose that because it is something we did on our honeymoon and loved

We had been living together for 7 years when we got married, so we didn't need the traditional setting-up-house stuff. We had a list with one or two items on - a lovely big Le cruset casserole dish, and some guide books for our honeymoon - but otherwise we suggested gift vouchers for John Lewis (knowing we would eventually move to a bigger house and need to buy furniture), amazon (which we used to buy an amazing camera, and hence have some beautiful photos of DS) or royal opera house, which we will no doubt enjoy for many years to come (people seemed to want to buy those the most, so we have a crazy amount! But they will last us a long time and a lot of lovely evenings at the opera/ballet)

So I'm biased obviously but at least with money/vouchers I don't feel bad about giving what I can afford, rather than being forced to buy a set of wooden spoons!

scantily the point is, surely, that people who include a wedding list with the invitation are also NOT asking for presents. It is simply information of what they would like SHOULD you want to get a gift. It's not a demand, it's a helpful suggestion. I can't see any difference between that and what you did. Most people also say they don't want want anything but IF you want to get a present... Same as you.

The idea that you shouldn't put information in with invite is nice in theory but just adds more work for everyone.

Most people will ask about gift list etc if you have 120+ people do you then have to post out 120+ lots of information? After sending invites? Or field calls/emails about it? Really impractical in reality and people who are not the "shove some cash into a card type" often want some guidance on what to get.

I wouldn't go to a wedding without a gift of some kind and card, if you are the person that doesn't then why would you be offended by a mention of a (not mandatory btw) gift suggestion?

Surely you quite like the people if you are going to their wedding? If you are brassic arrange a collection with others? Works really well if a group are just going to the evening party.

Sparechange it's not an attack of the vapours at the thought of giving money. Giving money is absolutely fine. Giving anything is fine. It's asking for it that's problematic. For me at least.

What's with the fake coyness???? What??? We didn't have a list or demand money with menaces; it wasn't so much fake coyness as a desire not to look like a prat.
People who gave us gifts managed to find some totally fabulous ones without any "guidance" from us whatsoever.

I'd much rather be asked for cash or a gift card contribution. I've got so much t do I have not got time to go out present buying often, and you always worry about the gift being liked, or if you have go the right one.

To those of you who mention buying something that is not on the list - "don't" I've spent nearly 30 years now sending such items off to the charity shop as the donors have died off or become unlikely to visit again.

floggingmolly it came in with the Celtic Tiger, and stayed.

300 guests @ €250 per couple and you can have a 30k wedding and a fantastic 5 star honeymoon.

It’s a well known calculation of recent times.

I haven’t been to a wedding in over a year, but it’s still going strong as a standard gift per couple.

As my old Mum says “I’d rather get a summons in the post than a wedding invitation”

Now I got married a long time back (1994) and we didn't live together first, and we knew people (100 guests, pretty traditional wedding) would want to buy stuff.

What we did was provide an info sheet with the invites, things like how to negotiate the car-eating one way system, bus times (we were a recent graduate and a medical student, very few of our friends had cars!), and said, I think "If you want to buy a gift and need ideas, please contact Weegie's parents".

My dad held a basic gift list, what dinner service/pots/towels we liked (in fact, I think our only actual specifications were the dinner service, pots and cutlery - everything else was like "towels. Enough towels". And the instruction that we really couldn't be arsed with crystal/silver etc.

We were able to kit out our lovely wee 1 bed flat really nicely.

I cooked this morning and used the Le Creuset pans I got 19 years ago. They were from my uncle and aunt who are now both dead, and it made me smile to think of them.

Having said that, some of the very best gifts were from close friends who didn't ask - the pictures bought on a trip to China, the set of photo albums and a voucher for film processing, the candlesticks and "years supply of candles".

You weren't being grabby. People want to get a present, and personally I'd rather get someone something they'd want or appreciate. Our default is vouchers for the place that holds the list, or John Lewis if it's not specified. We recently gave money to my cousin as they asked for it for their honeymoon. They were going to a place we'd also visited (though they were 5* all inclusive and we'd backpacked with 3 dc!) and we got a lovely email with pictures of them eating in the beach restaurant we'd told them about. They left the all-inclusive behind, went out, spent the money we gave them and loved it!

I am old and hence however irrational it is, I do think that putting details of the guest list in with the invitation is somehow "wrong", and that the ridiculous palaver of ringing the bride's mum is "right". It's nonsense though, obviously, and when friends do the "wrong" thing I shrug off my instinctive shudder in seconds.

Many of my friends have done what a poster upthread did and included gift list links on their wedding website along with hotel and travel details. I think that does make a psychological difference, in that the guest is going to get the information freely rather than having it pushed at them.

Oh and nobody said that any of these practices are "common", they said they're "vulgar", which has nothing whatsoever to do with class, rank or income.

Sadly my mother was dead, so I had vulgarity pushed upon me.

What, sid?? My mother's been dead since I was thirteen. It didn't enduce me to sell tickets to an event I had invited people to attend.

I was replying to WhoWasThatMaskedWoman. Gift lists Wrong, calling the bride's mother Right. Not possible for me, sadly.

For all our friends the gift list was included with the invitation and was either a gift list from a shop or a request for vouchers. It's normal to me.

"Right" but a ludicrous palaver and shibboleth was what I said, for a wide variety of reasons up to and including bereavement.

I always give money. There is no chance in hell I would be ringing the brides mum. What an awful inconvienence to make someone do that instead of writing in the invite!

There is nothing wrong with saying to a couple, look would really like to get you something rather than cash/vouchers/honeymoon whatever. Is there something that you'd really like such as new pans, decent pressure cooker
that kenwood mixer for £100 you know you've had your eye on for two years

Or you could just not get anything. Or just not go to the wedding. You aren't under obligation to do anything at all. I think any normal couple would be mortified if people felt they were giving under duress.

And yes to a pp who said don't just buy a gift for a sake of giving a gift. What a waste of money. The couple want xyz so just do that, rather than because of some need to get something physical. It's about them not you.

These threads are always the same and I ever bother to contribute. However on this occasion.

I am old enough (very very old) to remember when gift lists became popular. I remember the consternation of being told what to buy . Nowadays I am a bit of a loss if there is no gift list. I would rather give a gift that is useful to the couple or at least the right colour than give something that is going to sit in a cupboard (ebay). I give money if there are no suggestions but don't please ask me to contribute to the honeymoon however honest it is. If I can't afford to go on holiday why would I help to send anyone else.

My daughter got married a few years ago she did not receive gifts from all her guests. She was more interested in their company at her special day.

You sound lovely and I wouldn't worry especially as as everyone was family.

I recently went to a v posh wedding at the Dorchester. They had 5 wedding lists, inc one at an art dealer, and one at Harrods which was only available if you phoned them up. They had posh scrolly invitations, with a wedding website adress, and the wedding website had many sections, including the gift lists, as well as transport, dress code etc.

The wedding was bloody brilliant

'Posh' does not necessarily equal classy or thoughtful though.

You are very rude Capitola. No one thought we were vulgar for saying there was a gift list available for those that wanted to look at it. They were all happy it was so simple to buy a gift we had chosen rather than think of something.

If you've chosen your guests right, they'll know you well, love you, want to help you start your married life and understand you aren't being grabby.

There are many members of mumsnet I know I'd never get on with in real life, let alone be close enough to invite to a life event.

Those who matter will understand your intentions. If they don't, they don't matter.

I think even saying " for those who wish to give a gift..." can be misconstrued by those that can't afford one but want to give something.

I just hate the bloody poems. I don't mind being asked for money instead of a thing, iyswim, but I simply cannot stand the twee nonsense that seems to come as fucking standard