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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask whether we were being grabby with our own wedding invites?

203 replies

polythenespam · 21/02/2014 09:21

Having read so many threads on this since getting married, I'm worrying a bit that we did the wrong thing and would appreciate honest replies (hence here in AIBU!)

Ok, so we had a very small family wedding (only 16 guests, all of whom were close family - parents; siblings & partners; aunts & uncles.)

DH and I had only lived together for a year before getting married, and being a bit cash-strapped too there were things we "needed" for our home (well, nobody needs a new set of saucepans or to replace their threadbare towels, but it was more of a traditional setting up home together scenario if you see what I mean.)

However we didn't really like the traditional wedding gift list idea - there always seems to be slightly odd items on them in order to cater for all budgets - so what we did was register a wedding gift card with Debenhams. The idea being that guests can contribute money onto it, and then obviously you can spend as you wish.

We put little information cards about it in with the invites, people were very generous and we were able to buy lots of lovely things for our home.

But I am worried now that we did the wrong thing by a)including info with the invites, and b)by effectively asking for money

Given that it was all close family, were we being grabby?

OP posts:
Yonineedaminute · 21/02/2014 20:00

There are many members of mumsnet I know I'd never get on with in real life, let alone be close enough to invite to a life event.

Grin
ButICantaloupe · 21/02/2014 20:03

I had a poem in my wedding invitation Shock Grin

chocoluvva · 21/02/2014 20:09

How is Capitola rude? She expressed an opinion - at the request of the OP - using reasonable language.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 21/02/2014 20:15

I felt calling someone vulgar was rude.

chocoluvva · 21/02/2014 20:29

It wouldn't have been my choice of word either - but the OP did ask for honest opinions...... And she didn't call the OP 'vulgar' - it was this specific behaviour she referred to.

ZanyMobster · 21/02/2014 20:41

I have only ever heard of people being bothered about this on MN. Everyone in real life I know does this and I have never heard anyone comment negatively about it, in fact mostly the opposite as people are glad they are contributing to something their friends actually want. True friends would not bat an eyelid IMO.

The only time I have heard people comment (I did too) was when out friends did a gift list and the cheapest thing was £65. We were only evening guests and regardless of that could not afford that, we just bought gift vouchers for the shop where the gift list was registered.

Melonbreath · 21/02/2014 20:45

We did it with Debenhams. Stuff from £3 as we really didn't want anything but people kept asking us for the list.

FamiliesShareGerms · 21/02/2014 20:57

I'm another one who agrees finding this grabby is a MN peculiarity. I've been to gazillions of weddings and the vast majority have either had a traditional gift list; a gift list with the option of putting money onto a gift card if nothing on the list floats your boat; a honeymoon contribution set up; commissioned furniture set up... Mostly I've bought from the list but if I'm particularly close to the couple I might also get a non-list present too. A list is a suggestion, not a mandatory requirement. I really don't understand why so many people get their knickers in a twist over this.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 21/02/2014 22:23

I can see the problem with cash requests. Many people are not flush with cash. A well thought through actual 'thing' for a fiver is so much more personal than a fiver in a card.

IMO if you invite people to a wedding you are the host. You are responsible for caring about and, to within your power, ensuring the comfort of your guests. The gifts are about your guests comfort not about yours

mumminio · 21/02/2014 23:42

If I received an invitation like that, I would think it's tacky but give you a cheque as a present. Certainly wouldn't have gotten a gift card, why should you be limited to shopping at one place in particular.

In my opinion, it's fine to have a gift list/request for contributions, but ONLY after someone has expressly asked about it. NOT when you're extending them an invitation.

Seems like people are split on this though :)

RonaldMcDonald · 21/02/2014 23:54

The vast vast majority of weddings I have attended have not had a gift request.
Most have not had an evening 'do'
All but one have had a completely free bar

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 22/02/2014 00:03

I would be beyond fucked off moderately annoyed if I had to ring the mother of the fiancée of someone I was at uni with 20 years ago in order to get a six digit code that could easily have been included with the other stuff sent or on a wedding website.

MrsMook · 22/02/2014 00:14

We asked for money for future home improvements as we had an established home, but many of the original cheap items were showing their age. We didn't want enough from one shop to justify a list or vouchers. One thing we did want was a Denby set. We could have got it through a shop but felt it would waste our guest's money as we got it significantly cheaper from an outlet as seconds from a sale. Some got us lovely personal items that they chose themselves, and they are treasured. Some got us vouchers on the DIY theme which were places that we were going to inevitability buy from which were useful. The one that bugged me was the M&S vouchers that added up to an awkward value. We got some lovely towels and then got stuck. I now have a pair of unwearable shoes that lacerate my feet that were a "wedding gift" that I feel guilty to get rid off. They were bought in an attempt to use the vouchers and not waste the money the guest spent, but effectively, by ignoring the request, they chose to donate their money to M&S and not give a useful gift to the wedding couple. I may also have got some boring underwear, I can't even remember.

I think money is the simplest way to let most couples start married life with gifts useful to them. And including that information in the invitation is least inconvenience to couple and guests who otherwise have to chase up. Cash or cheque in a card is also very simple.

livingzuid · 22/02/2014 00:54

the gifts are about the guests' comfort not yours

Confused

So married couples should have a household full of £5 tat that someone thought they should have rather than getting what the couple actually wanted? Lots of people only gave £10 or so and we were as grateful for that as the larger sums of money. You give what you can afford, no sane person would expect anything more.

The day is about these two people getting married not about the guests attending. If you can't afford to get something there is no obligation to do so.

Alisvolatpropiis · 22/02/2014 00:57

I don't think you were at all.

What you did is the right way of doing things, for a couple who have lived together prior to the wedding, so have a home.

Alisvolatpropiis · 22/02/2014 01:00

It is fairly traditional to have a "wedding list" is it not?

I'd never ask for money, because it's tacky. My do and I are going to ask for vouchers for homeware places. We have a home together but there is plenty we need to replace (it's a new home for us both), vouchers etc is much more reasonable than "gimme money for a holiday". At the end of the day, a honeymoon is just a holiday.

FamiliesShareGerms · 22/02/2014 03:50

Aha, I think I have worked out why some people think wedding lists are "grabby" - they were an American innovation, albeit one going back 90 years. Perhaps the traditional frowning upon US imported customs has something to do with it?

LilacBreastedRoller · 22/02/2014 04:13

f6

YankeeMum8 · 22/02/2014 06:19

I was brought up you never include Any gift suggestions in with the invitation. That is for the shower only. I was also brought up that if the couple could use -whatever - for the wedding, that was to be communicated to the guests by the mother of the bride - and only if she were asked!

Even then she wasn't to say, they could really use money, it would be worded something like 'I think they are saving for a house'. I've never received an invite that had a registry in it. And I've been to a lot, some quite recently.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 22/02/2014 06:33

It is great not having to think too hard about a gift and i eould hate to get something that ppl don't want but.....
The thing I find off-putting about some gift lists is that firstly, it's a record of a couple having wandered around a dept store choosing things that they want other people to buy for them. It's unreasonable of me to find this irritating but it seems so immodest that they've devoted an entire afternoon to such an activity. And when ppl talk about "going crazy with the zapper" that is really underlined. I think it's a bit crass.

The other thing is that on some lists so many of the items are so expensive. And the lists are sooooooo long! I find that embarrassing because I can't afford £500+ for the things they want. And I know there's often a voucher option (after the lower price things have been snapped up) but when there's an accompanying list of all those luxury items or replacement beds/ linen/ dining table it looks like an pitiful drop on the ocean to buy a £20 - 60 voucher.

So I like the voucher -only option. Or the cash option. Because it's honest and simple.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 22/02/2014 06:36

lots of people only gave £10 or so and we were as grateful for that as the larger sums of money
See, I'm sure you were. But your use of the word "only" there made me wince.

mrsnec · 22/02/2014 06:50

I think that's slightly better than a list. The last wedding I was invited to had a list and I felt terrible that all I could afford from it was a garlic press and a corkscrew. Both of which cost about 4 times what I would spend on those items and the couple in question were already set up and not the kind of people that would spend a couple of hundred quid on a bin which was also on the list as was matching samsonite luggage! So they had compiled their list at random not things they actually needed. That's what I had the problem with. Do they think of me every time they use their 25 quid garlic press? I doubt it. I do however think every wedding is different and there is no right or wrong answer.

thegreatgatsby101 · 22/02/2014 07:00

I'm as poor as a church mouse and think it's crass and tacky to ask for money in a wedding invite, or any other invite for that matter. I cringe when I see a wedding invite with one of those cutsie poems thinly veiled to get cash. Like a pp I prefer to get a gift that I've specially selected for the couple.
We got married last year and didn't include any blurb about gifts - some people have us a card, some a gift and some did give us money but it seemed more personal to us and I can still remember which gifts came from which people.

thegreatgatsby101 · 22/02/2014 07:03

Oh and there's nothing worse than the couple booking a ridiculously expensive honeymoon and then asking for the cash to pay for it in the invite.
Uh no. You booked your five star 10k holiday on safari. Pay for it yourself!

brettgirl2 · 22/02/2014 07:59

I don't get it. I'm lazy/ disorganised therefore I love it when I think the day before 'shite what about the present' and I discover they just want money.