to ask whether we were being grabby with our own wedding invites?

[polythenespam]

Having read so many threads on this since getting married, I'm worrying a bit that we did the wrong thing and would appreciate honest replies (hence here in AIBU!)

Ok, so we had a very small family wedding (only 16 guests, all of whom were close family - parents; siblings & partners; aunts & uncles.)

DH and I had only lived together for a year before getting married, and being a bit cash-strapped too there were things we "needed" for our home (well, nobody needs a new set of saucepans or to replace their threadbare towels, but it was more of a traditional setting up home together scenario if you see what I mean.)

However we didn't really like the traditional wedding gift list idea - there always seems to be slightly odd items on them in order to cater for all budgets - so what we did was register a wedding gift card with Debenhams. The idea being that guests can contribute money onto it, and then obviously you can spend as you wish.

We put little information cards about it in with the invites, people were very generous and we were able to buy lots of lovely things for our home.

But I am worried now that we did the wrong thing by a)including info with the invites, and b)by effectively asking for money

Given that it was all close family, were we being grabby?

Why is it crass and grabby littlered?

I dont think its a MN thing either. A work colleague did the poem thing recently and put everyones backs up.

Any mention of presents is grabby and cash or vouchers is even worse.

One thing to have a discreet wedding list available upon it being asked for but to specify you expect a gift and what it should be is very rude.

A wedding to me is about the vows and the marriage itself. Sadly to many its about making as much from the guests as possible and just a big party.

Lists to Santa are made by children though...... And Santa, they're led to believe has no financial worries.

Writing an aggressive post in defence of asking for specific presents at the time of inviting guests might give the impression that the practice mentioned by the OP is peculiar to people who don't care about their guests views.....

No definitely not 'grabby' at all. People expect it to be made clear what, if anything , is preferred in the way of presents. Don't sweat it.

Have you ever been to a wedding which:
Didn't have a gift list?
You didn't want to give a gift?

I haven't. Ever.

I think it's fine. We put a gift list number in the invitations. I don't see the point in having a gift list and not giving people the info because then they are just going to be contacting you, your mum, Mil etc to ask for details and you'll just spend weeks repeating yourselves.

I guess you have to know your audience though. I knew that none of our guests would have a problem with it. The only places I have seen debate about whether it is acceptable or not is on wedding forums and MN.

I've never met a person in RL who gives a toss about this. You get invited to a wedding, it's 99% certain you're going to get them a gift in some form. Why pussy foot around and pretend you had no intention of it until the 'grabby and entitled' invitation came through. It really smacks of scrabbling around trying to find something in life to piss you off for the hell of it. So much easier to think nice thoughts about people.

It's still a list - and yes, while lists to Santa are made by children, I know plenty of adults who write their own christmas present lists, my in-laws ask me for mine every year.

A wedding is a celebration, and a wedding list is not a command, but a suggestion. The poles up arses about wedding lists on Mumsnet, however, appears to be mandatory.

We had a small wedding and made no mention whatsoever of gifts to anyone - no wedding list either.

It may be the more practical thing to do but it's something I'd have felt uncomfortable doing and maybe felt a bit vulgar.

I would find it more of a pita to have to ring up the bride/groom/parents/inlaws or whoever the acceptable people are to request information about what gift is requested, than to just have the info given to me with the invite. Unless you are going to say 'strictly no gifts' what is the point?

Santa lists are written by children and completely different. They have no concept of costs etc if young enough to believe in santa.

It would be better if the couple were honest, come and see us get married the entry fee per person is x - which is what a cash request amounts too.

Most people like to take a gift to a wedding if a day guest but stating you dont trust them to choose something nice/useful is quite insulting.

If you want to kit your house out from a posh store, have a wedding outside your budget or a honeymoon then save for longer. Dont expect your guests to fund it.

I think your idea sounded very reasonable.
When my cousins got married they asked for B&Q vouchers so they could buy new flooring and decorate the house they had recently moved in to. All the family members I spoke to were more than happy to do this, quick and easy to buy, you are not feeling obliged to spend a set amount and you know the couple will get something they need. Sorted!

I don't think the "only on mumsnet do I see people getting annoyed about this" argument is valid. Only on Mumsnet can people say what they really think anonymously without causing bad feeling- and weddings are emotive things so everyone will of course say it's all lovely and no they don't mind at all while keeping their true opinions to themselves.

Sorry OP, I'm sure others will disagree but I think it's bad manners to dictate what gifts you should be given. Just my opinion.

So I am guessing all the people on the 'it's grabby/crass' side of the fence totally object to the highly traditional and customary gift list? Asking for specific gifts is not a new thing is it?

We did a Debenhams list, but it didn't go in the invitations, my mother and mother in law told people who asked, handed out cards with the reference number and generally spread the word.

We got married 15 years ago back then people expected a list and you put a range of things on it, usually the makings of a nice dinner service and cutlery set etc. so people could buy two plates or a sugar bowl.

It's been a long time since I've seen a list, now it's always cash in some form even if it's buying extras for the honeymoon.

Personally I'd much prefer a gift card for a shop, which will be spent on something specific, cash always makes me feel like I'm directly paying for my meal.

I suppose though people seem to get married later now, and many weddings we go to are second weddings for one or both so they've got household things already.

Oh the one thing I don't like are money poems!!! We received one with an evening invitation. If you are going to ask for cash don't try and make it flowery and poncy with a cheesy four verse poem you found on google.

I don't think the "only on mumsnet do I see people getting annoyed about this" argument is valid. Only on Mumsnet can people say what they really think anonymously without causing bad feeling- and weddings are emotive things so everyone will of course say it's all lovely and no they don't mind at all while keeping their true opinions to themselves.

They probably wouldn't say anything to the bride and groom no, but there would certainly be talk about it amongst others if people found it unacceptable. Talk which I have never, ever heard.

Also depends on culture. Asian weddings like Chinese ones only accept cash and 24carrat gold. Cash is pinned on to the bride sometimes. And these weddings sometimes even turn a profit. Yes you may think its crass etc but I think it extremely practical! Each to their own opinion.... In my circle gifts are positively looked down upon. Op don't worry, its your wedding and I'm sure that those who care about you both won't even be bothered!!

Talk which I have never, ever heard.

Oh I have.

Frequently.

And embarrassed wincing looks.

I think it's bad manners to send it with the invitation.

"However we didn't really like the traditional wedding gift list idea - there always seems to be slightly odd items on them in order to cater for all budgets "

What do you mean by that?

I thought that the list contained whatever you put on it?

Thing is if you read too many wedding threads on here you start to realise that your entire wedding was highly U! I certainly did, everything from gifts to the guest list was considered to be crass

highly traditional and customary gift list?

Gift lists are not highly traditional and including them with the invitation has always been considered extremely tacky.

Guests definately talk about tacky requests or grabby couples in the same way they talk about other aspects of weddings like no partners attending, being a second rate evening guest only.

It does put a taint on the day for guests where the couples specify a cash request.

I am very thankful our family weddings have had no mention at all re gifts as we decline any grabby invites that ask for cash or vouchers.

I think your wedding was attended by a smallish group of people all of whom understood entirely to create a more 'united' home, so they would get your motivation entirely and you presumeably had a chance to discuss it with them.

So that's not unreasonable and not the same at all as sending out a request for money to 150 people, some of whom are only invited for part of the day, because you already have everything you need.

That is incredibly bleurgh.

I'm always a bit when people claim "oh, that's only on mumsnet, it's not real life "... There are over a million mumsnet users; a huge percentage of people in real life don't like it either, actually.
I'm one of them