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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask whether we were being grabby with our own wedding invites?

203 replies

polythenespam · 21/02/2014 09:21

Having read so many threads on this since getting married, I'm worrying a bit that we did the wrong thing and would appreciate honest replies (hence here in AIBU!)

Ok, so we had a very small family wedding (only 16 guests, all of whom were close family - parents; siblings & partners; aunts & uncles.)

DH and I had only lived together for a year before getting married, and being a bit cash-strapped too there were things we "needed" for our home (well, nobody needs a new set of saucepans or to replace their threadbare towels, but it was more of a traditional setting up home together scenario if you see what I mean.)

However we didn't really like the traditional wedding gift list idea - there always seems to be slightly odd items on them in order to cater for all budgets - so what we did was register a wedding gift card with Debenhams. The idea being that guests can contribute money onto it, and then obviously you can spend as you wish.

We put little information cards about it in with the invites, people were very generous and we were able to buy lots of lovely things for our home.

But I am worried now that we did the wrong thing by a)including info with the invites, and b)by effectively asking for money

Given that it was all close family, were we being grabby?

OP posts:
chocoluvva · 21/02/2014 11:00

I've been to loads of weddings with no gift list and I didn't have a list at my wedding.

chocoluvva · 21/02/2014 11:04

My attitude to giving wedding presents depends on the circumstances of each couple. If the bride and groom have so much stuff already that they feel the need to specify gifts or are so fussy that they make a point of listing specific things I'm usually less generous than I would have been.

imme · 21/02/2014 11:08

Also not a fan of requests for cash or gifts included in the invite. We got married in my home country so we were happy when people made the time and expense to come and celebrate with us. We did have two gift lists though but only gave out the details when people asked for it so that they did not feel obliged to give something.
I was once invited to a wedding where the high earning couple asked for cash towards their very posh honeymoon and refused proper boxed gifts. Whilst I did make the bank transfer (yes account details were included in the invite) it felt grabby to me and at that point I hadn't even heard of MN.
I think gifts/ giving cash at weddings has always been standard practice at weddings and is fine in itself, it's more the way people ask for it, especially those that clearly don't need it.

trixymalixy · 21/02/2014 11:09

The only two wedding invitations I have had with no gift list asked for cash when I called and asked what they wanted. Totally agree about the fake coyness.

PumpkinsMummy · 21/02/2014 11:13

when I got married we went abroad, so people coming was our present iyswim, but bwfore we decided, my dad actually told me that I shouldn't put a gift list in cos it was cheeky. Tbh I thiought it was normal to do this as every wedding I have been invited to had one. I think it comes down to how it was phrased. If it was a kind of "please genuinely don't feel obliged, but for those of you wishing to get us a gift, we have a card at debenhams which can accept a donation to be spent on household goods" then that would be useful. I hate going empty handed or having to guess what someone wants.

chocoluvva · 21/02/2014 11:16

"fake coyness" is insulting to people who genuinely don't assume that every guest will be happy to give a gift. There are people like that you know. And you can hope for nice gifts without feeling that your guests ought to give you gifts.

encyclogirl · 21/02/2014 11:16

Well, as I've said here many times before. Be thankful you're not going to a wedding in Ireland.

Any gift under €200 is regarded as seriously tight round my way.

A retired English couple in our village went to a neighbours wedding and bought them a set of towels from M&S. The amount of pearl clutching at the table when they inadvertently mentioned it!

The husband, in a bemused fashion, asked what everyone else had done. One couple had given €400!! I thought he was going to have a stroke.

I WISH for the good old days of a list from a local department store.

chocoluvva · 21/02/2014 11:18

If you're annoyed at having to phone around asking what the couple would like then don't bother! Stick a gift voucher for a department store in with your reply or cash.

Littleen · 21/02/2014 11:20

My friends put out a list of presents and also a note with bank details, saying they are saving for a flat, so people could choose whether to get a "physical" present or money gift. Didn't think that was greedy or grabby or anything at all!

livingzuid · 21/02/2014 11:21

No not at all. My X and I didn't need anything and people always want to buy you something or give something. I wasn't comfortable asking for hard cash in the bank so we set up a honeymoon fund at Thomas Cook. People always ask whether they can give you something so you just make it easy for them.

My bad was when we split up and I wanted to return all the money but X had spent it all :(

Floggingmolly · 21/02/2014 11:22

When did this bollocks start in Ireland, encyclogirl???? Was it a Celtic tiger thing? I haven't been gone that long Confused

DownstairsMixUp · 21/02/2014 11:26

I won't be attaching a list/requests. Just a wedding invite with a list of nearby B&Bs hotels and a map as some people aren't from here. I don't expect gifts. I thought that was normal!

Evie2014 · 21/02/2014 11:27

I don't get the "it's such a bother finding out what the couple want" argument, either. If you can't figure out what to give them then by all means give them cash in an envelope as a gift. So simple. I don't see how a wedding list or bank details make this easier!

And to defend the poster who used it, yes, the word "vulgar" did pop into my head too...

trixymalixy · 21/02/2014 11:27

In both cases it was most definitely fake coyness. Knowing them, they would not have been happy at me not giving them something, not that I would arrive at a wedding empty handed anyway.

Snoozybird · 21/02/2014 11:31

We included the info on the sheet which went out with our invites.

We worded it along the lines of we don't expect gifts as we just want you there, however if you do want to give us a gift and are stuck for ideas then John Lewis vouchers would be welcome. We got mainly vouchers, a few traditional gifts and some cash.

People were incredibly generous and appreciated knowing we would be genuinely grateful whether they'd carefully chosen a present or just gone down the easy route of vouchers (or nothing at all!)

EmmaBemma · 21/02/2014 11:33

OP, not grabby at all, I would have been happy to contribute.

When I got married we didn't have a gift list. Nothing coy about it, I just didn't want one.

scantilymad · 21/02/2014 11:35

Each to their own but we didn't mention gifts at all in our invitations. The invitation for us was about just that, inviting our guests and not what we might like in return.

Our invitation had a web address on it for the website we had set up. That website had lots of information on it about local hotels, taxi numbers, things to do in the area etc. There was a tab with a link to a JL gift list or to a charity's donation page, but we didn't advertise it.

Just getting to weddings, cost of outfits, petrol, childcare etc is enough for some people to 'pay' to come IMO.

Yonineedaminute · 21/02/2014 11:39

Each to their own but we didn't mention gifts at all in our invitations. The invitation for us was about just that, inviting our guests and not what we might like in return.

Our invitation had a web address on it for the website we had set up. That website had lots of information on it about local hotels, taxi numbers, things to do in the area etc. There was a tab with a link to a JL gift list or to a charity's donation page, but we didn't advertise it.

Erm, so you effectively asked for gifts then!

Sillybillybob · 21/02/2014 11:39

Wedding lists are not grabby. They are sensible and efficient.

scantilymad · 21/02/2014 11:44

Yoni.
No we didn't ask for gifts. The link was there amongst

Yonineedaminute · 21/02/2014 11:45

And it's been said a million times before - its a wedding invitation not a summons. If you begrudge spending money on childcare, travel, outfits etc. then just don't go!

MeadowHeartshimmertheFairy · 21/02/2014 11:45

This makes me feel very old. I got married in 2004 and I seem to remember all wedding magazines etc advising against including any gift list with the invitation as it was deemed a bit tacky/ grabby/ 'vulgar'.

We didn't and some people contacted us to ask about our gift list, some bought us something they chose themselves and couple of people gave cash I think. Honestly I can't remember who gave us what outside of immediate family, I was so touched that everybody took the time to come and celebrate with us.

That said my cousin's evening invitation to me included a request for cash in the form of a poem and a statement that children were not invited. As a lone parent at the time, this obviously prohibited my attending the wedding but I must confess to a snooty hoiking of my bosom over the cash-grabbing poem (and nothing whatsoever to do with my PFB being banned - I'm not unreasonable or bitter about that at all, honest... Grin)

PurpleBoot · 21/02/2014 11:46

Sounds fine to me.

We specifically asked for no gifts! (2nd marriage in our 40 s, didn't need anything and knew that many guests were strapped for cash). We also arranged free camping at venue and subsidised some of the guests rooms at the venue because a family member complained about the cost!! People still bought us gifts though, so obviously people want to give presents - so i really wouldn't worry about your request. We got about 50 photo frames.....!

scantilymad · 21/02/2014 11:46

...other information.

We asked for people not to get us gifts as we understood the cost in attending a wedding. But some people had ASKED what they could get us so we asked for a charitable donation OR a gift from the under £25 gift list if they really wanted to.

Not exactly asking for stuff is it.

sparechange · 21/02/2014 11:47

I have no problem with it, and don't know anyone outside of MN who has a problem with it.
I've been to a couple of very posh wedding (minor royals in attendance Grin) and along with the very fancy invitation with swirly writing was an information card which had details of hotels and also the gift list, so I don't buy this 'it is so common' line which gets trotted out.

We had a list, some people used it, some didn't. Of those that didn't, my poshest aunty sent a cheque, so I don't think everyone gets an attack of the vapours at the idea of giving money either.