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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask whether we were being grabby with our own wedding invites?

203 replies

polythenespam · 21/02/2014 09:21

Having read so many threads on this since getting married, I'm worrying a bit that we did the wrong thing and would appreciate honest replies (hence here in AIBU!)

Ok, so we had a very small family wedding (only 16 guests, all of whom were close family - parents; siblings & partners; aunts & uncles.)

DH and I had only lived together for a year before getting married, and being a bit cash-strapped too there were things we "needed" for our home (well, nobody needs a new set of saucepans or to replace their threadbare towels, but it was more of a traditional setting up home together scenario if you see what I mean.)

However we didn't really like the traditional wedding gift list idea - there always seems to be slightly odd items on them in order to cater for all budgets - so what we did was register a wedding gift card with Debenhams. The idea being that guests can contribute money onto it, and then obviously you can spend as you wish.

We put little information cards about it in with the invites, people were very generous and we were able to buy lots of lovely things for our home.

But I am worried now that we did the wrong thing by a)including info with the invites, and b)by effectively asking for money

Given that it was all close family, were we being grabby?

OP posts:
MotherOfInsomniacToddlers · 22/02/2014 08:09

Don't think it's a mn thing, I know lots of people in rl who don't like it. We made a gift list but didn't put in in with the invite, but when people asked we gave them the details. Actually to our surprise I think we had catered too much for thinking people wouldn't want to spend much and some guests were buying 2-3 of the gifts and the £90 bread maker that I really didn't think would get bought was the first thing to get bought! We were so keen not to look grabby that we didn't include enough expensive things!

minglemanglemunchkin · 22/02/2014 08:29

This is all really interesting. As someone said above I felt the whole 'let's go crazy with a zapper' thing felt grabby to me. I also felt that we would end up asking for things for the sake of it, it just didn't feel right for us.

We ended up sending invites out nine months before the wedding (as people were desperate for details but we didn't want to send save the dates). We included a link to a website which we said would have details added over time.

The website included all info about accommodation etc when we sent the invites but we had loads of people requesting details of the gift list.

In the end I wrote a poem (so shoot me!) which explained we were just happy to have people join us and presents weren't necessary, but if they did want to buy something then we would welcome donations to help us save for a house deposit or for people to surprise us if whatever way they liked.

In the end, almost everyone gave money (of varying amounts depending on what they could afford) and in addition, we received a mix of beautiful personalised and traditional wedding gifts which we treasure. Others chose to give department store vouchers which we have spent on some big household purchases. A few sent a lovely card and no gift. And this was just as we wanted it, as we know weddings can be expensive to attend and many were travelling long distances or paying to stay over.

The final total was just amazing - it is incredible to see how even small contributions add up. The donation, added to our savings helped us to buy our first house less than a year after the wedding. We couldn't have done this with the cost of the wedding to manage too. We had a very low cost honeymoon (camping) and made sure that we weren't seen to splash any cash while we saved the final bit for the house.

I sent personalised, handwritten thank you cards to every guest and was amazed at the number of thank you cards we received back. I also added another thank you to all contributors in the Xmas cards I sent after we moved in to let them know that it was thanks to them that we could do so.

Hopefully our friends and family have no idea what others spent and feel that every gift we received was equally valued.

Out of the many weddings I have attended, I have only ever seen one traditional gift list (where the only thing I could only afford a £30 designer egg timer and listed items went up to £500 household appliances). Others have asked for contributions to the honeymoon or for vouchers. One had a honeymoon gift list where you could select particular experiences to pay for (we paid for one of 14 romantic dinners for two).

fatlazymummy · 22/02/2014 08:46

It wouldn't bother me at all. I'd much rather give cash or a voucher. And I don't like phoning people I don't really know so I would preferto be told up front.
What surprises me about Mumsnet is the number of people who say they'd rather give a photo frame or a bottle of champagne. Both completely generic and useless gifts as far as I'm concerned.

LilacBreastedRoller · 22/02/2014 09:21

Sorry for the cryptic 4am post, I mst have fallen asleep on my phone post night feed Blush.

HappyMummyOfOne · 22/02/2014 10:07

Champagne is a great fall back though for greedy couples if you do want to attend. If you want a honeymoon, house deposit or simply to recoup the wedding costs then nip to the registry office and get married and use the cash saved to fund your wanted items.

I spend much more on couples who dont ask for anything as feel it truly is about the vows not how much they can make from the guests. They also usually invite you to the actual ceremony rather than just the evening part. Evening only guests are viewed as second rate, we dont like you enough to see us get married but come and have a sausage roll as we want more gifts.

SingMoreWhenYoureWinning · 22/02/2014 10:10

Yes, you were being grabby.

YOU are inviting someone to join you for a celebration. It should be the attendees choice whether or not to bring a gift/give cash, the same as any celebration.

Including any information about gifts you want is crass, rude, grabby and common. IMO. Sorry.

SingMoreWhenYoureWinning · 22/02/2014 10:12

Don't think it's a mn thing, I know lots of people in rl who don't like it. We made a gift list but didn't put in in with the invite, but when people asked we gave them the details

This.

If somebody approaches you to ask if you have a preference, giving a gift list or making a suggestion is a great idea. Sending a request in the invite is so so rude.

ButICantaloupe · 22/02/2014 10:25

Sorry, I just can't see myself getting worked up over a gift list/ request for money.

Personally, I prefer cash requests (and I don't care what they are for) much easier for me. Less to carry, less to organise.

DumSpiroSpero · 22/02/2014 10:32

Yanbu - if it's close family you have a better idea of how they 'work' than anyone else.

We got married 11.years ago and sent gift list cards out with maps/accommodation info when.people accepted rather than.with the end.

However, my dad's family all gave us cash - that is just how they do things - money for joint occasions, jewellery for individual ones ie special birthdays. They would been Hmm if we'd insisted they.stick to a list.

DumSpiroSpero · 22/02/2014 10:33

End? Invitations!

MrsDeVere · 22/02/2014 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HavantGuard · 22/02/2014 10:46

Wedding lists are absolutely fine. Even Debrett's says so!

livingzuid · 22/02/2014 10:51

Dear lord. If you must be pedantic and insulting therealamandaclarke then so be it. My use of 'only' in that context was as in 'could only give'. It was too much to hope you would read the rest of my post that said how much it meant to us no matter the size but obviously not.

I was 'only' expecting gift sizes of around 10 or 20, particularly as we could never afford more than 50 or so. I also have no problem saying that all I can afford. I was astonished at how much people gave and how generous some were.

Not in a million years would I, and all the tens of thousands of couples getting married each year and I'm sure the OP, expect people to give if they felt uncomfortable doing so or could not afford it. And if they are like that then you really should question why you are in contact with people like that.

Including a gift list or ways to give cash gifts is an easy practical solution to stop everyone asking about how to give you a present. We made a website with all the details of venue, travel, hotels and gift list which went out in our email invite. If you aren't comfortable then just don't do it!

I'd rather get nothing than shit cheap presents that I didn't ask for which is an insult in itself. Save your fiver to buy them a drink when they get back.

PavlovtheCat · 22/02/2014 10:58

There is never going to be an agreement on the right way to do it is there. Some people don't like it, some people do. That may apply to OP family, but whatever way you did it, someone would not think it appropriate.

I quite like that idea tbh, of a gift card. It's not the same as putting money in a card, which I feel personally is a bit crass, and I would happily do that, and would prefer it to buying from a gift list as I would not be able to buy an expensive item. I like the idea that maybe there is one large item you need and i helped toward that.

A friend of mine had two boxes by the signing in section. One was for donations to their honeymoon spending money, and the other was to a charity that was close to their heart. They asked for no presents etc, but if we felt, on the day we would like to contribute to either, it would be very welcome. I liked it as it was personal choice, they didn't know who could only afford £5 and who could give more. Some friends chose to buy them gifts anyway, but that was their choice.

PavlovtheCat · 22/02/2014 10:59

signing in section sorry, I am having a brain fart moment, the guest book.

livingzuid · 22/02/2014 11:01

And to double clarify before you accuse me again of being a money grabbing thankless cow - 'could only give' were their words not mine as they felt badly for not contributing more.

And to all the commentators who are so anti lists in invites - if you think so lowly of these people to automatically assume they are being grabby and greedy then why are you even considering going to their wedding and/or buying a gift?

notanotherusername1 · 22/02/2014 11:15

Op your invites sound just fine. I am another one who does not understand all this 'grabby' talk in connection with a wedding. I want to buy a gift for a wedding that I am invited to and if that invite asks for money, a present, a gift card or a contribution to a fancy holiday then that's fine by me. Means I don't actually have to think for myself Grin

FamiliesShareGerms · 22/02/2014 11:16

I'll say it again - a gift list or request for money doesn't mean you have to do it. If you want to give a personal present instead, you still can! Or if you are that offended by your grabby friends maybe you aren't really their friends and you should think twice about accepting the invitation

tobiasfunke · 22/02/2014 11:19

Gift lists are fine. What you did is fine. Putting your bank details on an invite is not fine. IMO.

Joysmum · 22/02/2014 11:21

This thread is a perfect example of what I said earlier. Having been to friends wedding recently that suggested cash rather than gift, and with a poem, I know these people well enough to know they are lovely people and not grabby at all. If they weren't nice people, they wouldn't be my friends and I wouldn't have been invited or have gine if I had been.

If people are offended or outraged at their friends and families weddings, they really need to start being more discerning in who they mix with.

ButICantaloupe · 22/02/2014 11:26

I agree with you, Joysmum

eeetheygrowupsofast · 22/02/2014 11:37

I think it's ruder to ask people to request a gift list or not tell people if there even is a list than putting the gift list into the invite!!

That means people worry about what the couple wants and the onus is on them to contact/find out!

It really, really is only on Mumsnet that this is an issue (among my real life friends and family anyway).

It's such a shame that people like the OP are now fretting over a happy occassion in the past and wondering if people were bitching about them behind their backs.

We had a gift list from John Lewis. Our friends and family wanted to buy us gifts and we accepted them very gratefully. No retrospective guilt for me - and we were in a good place financially too!! I've loved looking through lists for my friends and choosing stuff I know they will love and want. They felt the same way.

notanotherusername1 · 22/02/2014 11:38

Joysmum

Summed it up perfectly.

eeetheygrowupsofast · 22/02/2014 11:44

We paid for (some of) our friends' extension as a collective wedding gift in way of builders vouchers!

We thought that was a great idea as they didn't want anything other than this building work done.

We were delighted to help. If they'd said no presents, we'd have given them a generous store voucher or money.

generousfdudgy · 22/02/2014 11:48

I would far rather be told what people want etc as I struggle to know what to buy (particularly if people have lived together before for a while)We had friends who said they needed nothing but if people really wanted to gift them something they were honeymooning in Vegas and had set up an account at the travel agent for contributions. I loved the idea that my gift was going to something like that. It was a fabulous wedding too.