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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel annoyed about OH going to Thailand alone

136 replies

WestEndGirl11 · 15/02/2014 11:54

I'm in a relationship of 2.5 yrs, we are happy and in love, don't live together yet but hopefully in a few months we will do this. My OH is in his forties and 9yrs older than me, he's never been married and always lived a bit of a bachelor life. He is a teacher and he likes to go away to Asia every feb half term, on his own. He says he needs space and "me time". We have holidays together as well and I go away with my friends and sister some times. I don't mind him going away with his friends as I can understand that. I don't understand the big exotic holidays on his own - why can't he wait until Easter when we are going to Sri Lanka together for example...

We had a lovely meal out on Thursday for a pre-valentines and he surprised me with roses on Friday, then he flew out to Thailand in the eve. Am I being a total spoilt princess to feel annoyed at him? He wants to do this every year, I just feel like that is not what couples in serious relationships do - small holidays with friends are ok but big holidays should be as a couple or as a one off when the other person can't make it, right?

OP posts:
mrsjay · 15/02/2014 11:57

I dont see any problem with a boyfriend going on holiday on their own I am a bit suspicious of men going to thailand on their own I am maybe way of the mark but it seems a bit weird to me

Original poster
WestEndGirl11 · 15/02/2014 11:57

And also, just as he got on the plane he texted me to say that he loved me. I haven't replied because I feel that if I do it is saying that it is fine for him to keep going away. I figured maybe I should just ignore him for a bit if he needs his "me time". Is this being really childish or do I have a point? :-/

OP posts:
Poppy67 · 15/02/2014 11:58

He goes to Thailand every year? I wonder why .... Not. You do know why he (probably) goes there, don't you?

MardyBra · 15/02/2014 11:59

Do you really think he's going toThailand to have a spiritual retreat and look at the temples?

Original poster
WestEndGirl11 · 15/02/2014 12:00

It's not just Thailand, he went to Malaysia last year, Indonesia etc. places where there is sun. He's not into prostitutes I'm fairly sure of that

OP posts:
Sallyingforth · 15/02/2014 12:02

Thailand? That rings alarm bells to me.

Bearbehind · 15/02/2014 12:05

I do hope I'm wrong (because no one should being putting up with this shit for so long) but I'm pretty sure you are the person who posts under various names about your OH's lack of commitment.

Him wanting to retire early.
Him not wanting you to move in with him even though you hate your flat share.
Him only 'allowing' you a certain number of nights of his great company and I'm pretty sure you've posted about him going on holiday without you before.

If I'm right- why the fuck are you still in this relationship?

Your posts stick out like a sore thumb because THIS IS NOT NORMAL!

mrsjay · 15/02/2014 12:07

well if you are sure he isnt into prostitues ladyboys or children then he is entitled to go on holiday on his own if thats i s what he wants to do and if he can't cope with that then i am not sure what you can do sounds like he isnt really that ready to settle down

SilenceOfTheSAHMs · 15/02/2014 12:08

He is acting like a single man.

You are not being a spoilt princess.

This would be a deal breaker for me.

Thanks for you OP. This is not fair on you.

Preciousbane · 15/02/2014 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Caitlin17 · 15/02/2014 12:12

No problem about separate holidays. Husband and I have done that for years.

He's never been to Thailand and if he told me out of the many wonderful places he's not been to that was his destination I'd be worried.
I'm sure that is deeply unfair on the Thai population. I don't think the same about couples of any gender or persuasion but single men , sorry it's an odd choice.

chipshop · 15/02/2014 12:15

Well I'd be worried by this. I know someone who did the same, always going to Thailand, Vietnam etc. After years of his individual 'time for myself' holidays his partner found out he was into hookers. Big time. Hmm

DarlingGrace · 15/02/2014 12:16

He is a single man
They don't live together
They aren't married
There is no proposal

They have holidays together
The OP has holidays with her friends

I have a friend who works in the East and his hobby is temples and war graves, he's for ever in and out of Burma, Cambodia, Thailand etc it isn't all sex tourism.

sadbodyblue · 15/02/2014 12:17

I think he is doing just what he wants which is absolutely fine.

however if you think he's material for marriage then back away now as you are wasting your time with this one.

my lad went to Thailand for a gap year and was pretty shocked at the capital. he said it was wall to wall prostitutes and most very young. he was 18 but it really sickened him.

he left sharpish for the southern part.

WorraLiberty · 15/02/2014 12:20

Spot on DarlingGrace

Mention an unmarried man going to Thailand for a holiday and half of MN start sounding klaxons.

Yes some people go there and many other countries on 'sex tourism holidays' but that's not all those countries have to offer.

Original poster
WestEndGirl11 · 15/02/2014 12:24

I've been to Thailand and seen the hookers, it's not something I'm concerned about I know he's not into hookers! The point is, I'm annoyed at him going away and acting single especially if it's something he wants to do every year but I don't know if my annoyance is reasonable. I don't want to chain him to me or anything

OP posts:
Grennie · 15/02/2014 12:26

Thailand, Indonesia, Malaysia, I would in your shoes assume he is going there to have sex with prostituted women or men.

Bearbehind · 15/02/2014 12:27

westendgirl, are you the same person who has repeatedly posted about you boyfriends lack of commitment?

If you are, this isn't about Thailand, or even about him going in holiday without you.

It's about the fact he doesn't see your relationship the same way you do, and he never will.

You need to move on.

Grennie · 15/02/2014 12:27

How do you know he isn't into having sex with prostituted women or men?

mrsjay · 15/02/2014 12:30

you are annoyed because you see the relationship different to he does

Floggingmolly · 15/02/2014 12:31

Well, really; you don't live with him, you don't holiday together, you don't even see him that often... You don't just "know" he isn't into hookers at all.
From the sound of things; to all intents and purposes he is single.
Talk about having your cake and eating it!

ThatBloodyWoman · 15/02/2014 12:32

I would love to go on separate holidays.

I think it's fine, and if it's important to him you need to either happily accept it, or move on.

Don't clip his wings.

Obviously it's crucial that you too have the opportunity to have similar independent activities.If he frowns on that then run like the wind and don't look back.

Edendance · 15/02/2014 12:32

I think I'd be concerned that you've been together for 2.5 years and have not moved in together yet tbh, especially as you sound keen. I know some couples never live together but I get the impression that you're very keen on being a 'proper couple' who do everything together, and he wants the best of both worlds which will not be living wih an other half.

The holidays alone wouldn't really bother me- I like to have time to myself and if he can afford it and is happy to go on holidays with you too there shouldn't be a problem but I think the overall issue of you wanting commitment and him wanting anything but, is a real issue.

ThatBloodyWoman · 15/02/2014 12:34

I think it's pretty awful for people to immediately assume a single man only goes to Thailand for sex.

Wantsunshine · 15/02/2014 12:40

I don't think the holiday is the issue. The whole relationship doesn't sound great, he doesn't sound into you at all. I would look for someone new who puts you first.