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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel annoyed about OH going to Thailand alone

136 replies

WestEndGirl11 · 15/02/2014 11:54

I'm in a relationship of 2.5 yrs, we are happy and in love, don't live together yet but hopefully in a few months we will do this. My OH is in his forties and 9yrs older than me, he's never been married and always lived a bit of a bachelor life. He is a teacher and he likes to go away to Asia every feb half term, on his own. He says he needs space and "me time". We have holidays together as well and I go away with my friends and sister some times. I don't mind him going away with his friends as I can understand that. I don't understand the big exotic holidays on his own - why can't he wait until Easter when we are going to Sri Lanka together for example...

We had a lovely meal out on Thursday for a pre-valentines and he surprised me with roses on Friday, then he flew out to Thailand in the eve. Am I being a total spoilt princess to feel annoyed at him? He wants to do this every year, I just feel like that is not what couples in serious relationships do - small holidays with friends are ok but big holidays should be as a couple or as a one off when the other person can't make it, right?

OP posts:

whatever5 · 15/02/2014 13:10

Not everyone goes to Thailand to have sex with prostitutes

No but a man who goes to Thailand every year without his partner for "me time" is very probably going there for that reason. If he was purely interested in the culture, food etc he would be happy for his partner to go sometimes as well. The fact that the "me time" is always in Thailand, a preferred destination for sex tourist is very suspicious.

OP, wake up and smell the coffee.

Original poster

WestEndGirl11 · 15/02/2014 13:11

Bearbehind I moved out of the flat which I didn't like, I now have a gorgeous two bed flat which I love. OH got a lodger for 6 months. He has said to me to tell him a date that I want to move in in a few months. I haven't told him that yet because I only moved to the new place a few months ago and I'm not sure when is a good time to leave it yet. Maybe it is delaying things a bit but it has given me time to think and make sure we are doing things for the right reason. Also I want him to know this is a big step for me as well and he can't just click his fingers and I arrive

OP posts:

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 15/02/2014 13:12

You can hook up with prositutes in every city in the world if you want. Thailand might be notorious for cheap sex and prostitution, but that doesn't mean single men who go there only do so for sex

I would love to be able to go on holiday on my own for a week or so every year. I can't afford it, so it won't happen, but if I could, I would happily bugger off to Thailand to lie on a beach in peace.

Graceparkhill · 15/02/2014 13:13

Fair point Harticus. I am prepared to accept that my initial response was prejudiced.

Grennie · 15/02/2014 13:17

TheDoctors - But the vast majority of single men do go there for that reason.

harticus · 15/02/2014 13:19

Accusing an unknown man of being a sex tourist based solely on his choice of holiday destination says a great deal more about the accuser than it does about him.

It is undiluted sexism.

Jemma1111 · 15/02/2014 13:22

Those of us who believe he's going there just for the prostitutes aren't making sweeping generalisations , we're being realistic.

Bearbehind · 15/02/2014 13:22

westendgirl, why on earth did you not move into his place when you moved out of the one you hated? Especially as he took in a lodger at the same time?

Seriously, what was his reason for you not moving in at that point?

You sound like you are trying to convince yourself that you are now calling the shots when, deep down, you know you are not.

Don't you see that your boyfriend is probably rubbing his hands with glee over your outward bravado, as it takes the pressure off him making up excuses for you not to move in.

You are quite clearly itching to move out of your flat and move in with him.

He is stringing you along. They'll always be another excuse. Even if you win the battle to move in, are you then going have to wear him down to marry you, to have children, to give up his 'me time'

Do you really want to live like that?

Keep your lovely flat, dump your twat of a boyfriend and look for a relationship with someone who wants the same things you do.

harticus · 15/02/2014 13:27

we're being realistic

No you are not. You are being sexist and ridiculous.

SauceForTheGander · 15/02/2014 13:28

It's not sexism. It's deduction.

Nicknacky · 15/02/2014 13:29

Why is this guy getting such a hard time? Maybe he wasn't ready to move in with the op before now, there is nothing wrong with that! It's a big commitment for both of them.

And as for the comments about prostitutes.....jeez

Bearbehind · 15/02/2014 13:32

nicknacky, he has previous form on saying OP can move in, then moves the goalposts when it comes to to crunch, hence the reason why I asked what his reason for not moving in a few months ago actually was.

I totally agree re the prositute comments- bonkers!

Fairenuff · 15/02/2014 13:34

He is telling you who he is.

He doesn't want to be 'tied down'.

He is only happy to have a girlfriend if she is willing to accept that he wants to live part of his life as a single man.

If that does not suit you, then he is not the man for you. Don't bother trying to change him, let him go.

What do you want? Decide your own boundaries and if he wants to be with you, he will accept them.

It sounds to me like you are just not right for each other. Time to move on.

Nicknacky · 15/02/2014 13:35

I get that bearbehind, and maybe he did get cold feet. But telling her to dump her "twat" of a boyfriend based on a few posts on mums net is a bit of a leap.

Lambzig · 15/02/2014 13:35

Oh for heavens sake, there is so much more to Thailand than prostitution. I lived there for a while, travelled extensively around SE Asia and if I had the money would go back every year around Feb (DH and I went over valentines a few times as the weather is so good).

harticus · 15/02/2014 13:37

It's not sexism. It's deduction

No it is sexism.

Nobody would suggest a woman alone going to Thailand was only going for the sex. It is unbridled sexism.

A teacher at half term man goes fishing alone to Kent for some "me time". Nobody starts yelping about the fact he is up to no good - he could in fact be dogging himself into a frenzy.
People are basing this nonsense solely on his choice of destination which was not the OP's concern at all.

Bearbehind · 15/02/2014 13:40

It's not really if you'd read the other threads nicknacky. He doesn't want the things she does and she's kidding herself it will change but as time goes by, nothing has changed at all.

He is still having his cake and eating it and she is grasping at the crumbs he gives her.

If you think she should stay with someone like that then that's up to you, I think she should move on and, at the end of the day, she'll do what she wants anyway.

Nicknacky · 15/02/2014 13:45

Well BB, I'm basing my opinion on this thread. I've not got time to read a op other threads every time I post a reply. I don't know if she should stay with him or not and frankly, it's none of my business.

I'm unsure why you would be telling a complete stranger her relationship is a waste of time but hey ho.

wishful75 · 15/02/2014 13:46

I think some people are being incredibly naive on here.

if he was having me time in any other number of countries then I would think nothing of it. It is Thailand ffs, its the world's number one sex tourism destination.

I wouldn't put up with this but if you choose to please always use protection.

Nicknacky · 15/02/2014 13:48

So if anyone visits Thailand are they visiting for sex? If he was after prostitution he could go to Prague or Amsterdam and save himself a long flight.

I'm far from naive but I also don't jump to conclusions that are unfounded.

Wantsunshine · 15/02/2014 13:48

I think the op must have doubts too otherwise why mention Thailand in the title rather than just going on general annual holiday alone.

Bearbehind · 15/02/2014 13:51

For the same reason anyone posts anything on AIBU, nicknacky, someone posts about a situation and everyone else expresses their opinions/ experiences etc.

I have a friend who was in a very similar situation to the OP and the things I have posted on here are the things my friend wished she'd been told (or listened to) when she was in the same kind of relationship.

happybubblebrain · 15/02/2014 13:51

I have spent a lot of time in Thailand.
You would have to be very naive not to think your boyfriend was going there for sex. It is shag central.

Nicknacky · 15/02/2014 13:54

She was asking for opinions yes, but I don't recall her asking anyone if she should leave her boyfriend.

Giving a friend advice where you know the situation and the people involved is a world away from telling a stranger her relationship is crap.

ThatBloodyWoman · 15/02/2014 13:56

I think it's absolutely shocking that based on some opinions here Thailand should be seen as a no go area for single males unless they want to be accused of being a sex tourist.

That attitude stinks, and doesn't sit well with me as a feminist and opposed to sexism in all its guises.

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