Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To feel annoyed about OH going to Thailand alone

136 replies

WestEndGirl11 · 15/02/2014 11:54

I'm in a relationship of 2.5 yrs, we are happy and in love, don't live together yet but hopefully in a few months we will do this. My OH is in his forties and 9yrs older than me, he's never been married and always lived a bit of a bachelor life. He is a teacher and he likes to go away to Asia every feb half term, on his own. He says he needs space and "me time". We have holidays together as well and I go away with my friends and sister some times. I don't mind him going away with his friends as I can understand that. I don't understand the big exotic holidays on his own - why can't he wait until Easter when we are going to Sri Lanka together for example...

We had a lovely meal out on Thursday for a pre-valentines and he surprised me with roses on Friday, then he flew out to Thailand in the eve. Am I being a total spoilt princess to feel annoyed at him? He wants to do this every year, I just feel like that is not what couples in serious relationships do - small holidays with friends are ok but big holidays should be as a couple or as a one off when the other person can't make it, right?

OP posts:

Preciousbane · 15/02/2014 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SauceForTheGander · 15/02/2014 17:33

He didn't say he was off trekking. He said he needed me time. Leaving aside the fact that phrase is bleurgh he has managed to be exclusive, mysterious and entitled all in one go. Which, when you consider OPs previous threads, and his return lone trips to Thailand don't add up to a very happy picture.

LessMissAbs · 15/02/2014 18:06

I just couldn't fancy a man older than me who

holidayed alone in Thailand regularly, even if he was too scared to actually use the prostitutes, but just to surround himself with women more compliant than western women (although not the OP, clearly)
spent so much money on exotic holidays
wouldn't move in with me

-sent me a guilty message on the plane just before he left to ensure my gullibility stayed in tact

He should be thanking his lucky stars that he has managed to attract a younger girlfriend, not leaving her to bum off to Thailand, Malaysia and Indonesia.

I think theres a high chance there may be a lot you don't know about this man OP. Just dump him, and find someone with habits less statistically likely to be dodgy!

Floggingmolly · 15/02/2014 18:14

Who actually needs me time when they live alone, anyway?? Having a lodger shouldn't impact on your life to the extent that you have to go to Thailand on holiday to get some peace
All in all, it's not boding well for you moving in with him, op, sorry.

Theodorous · 15/02/2014 18:20

I go to Thailand most years with a group of teachers. We work with a charity in Pattaya to try, as Western women, to identify men who are with clearly underage girls and boys. However, I have also been to retreats, kickboxing centres etc for a holiday. We see, sadly now more big groups of men than lone men and those are usually older British or Americans. It is impossible to say that ALL men are sex tourists. I think it is hard to say and only he can tell you

Proseccoisnotrah · 15/02/2014 18:30

Prostitutes. Sorry but it's the first thing that comes to mind reading this for me too.

Caitlin17 · 15/02/2014 18:51

Molly that's just silly. Single people can have stressful work/family/ relationships.

I can't abide couples who are joined at the hip. There is nothing wrong in him having a holiday on his own. I would however want to know about where he went, what he did and why always Thailand as opposed to the 1000s of other exotic locations.

BIWI · 15/02/2014 18:58

The issue of sex tourism to one side , I think YABU to be annoyed with him having a holiday on his own. You don't live together, you're not married, you don't have children together. You are both free agents. And it's not like you don't have holidays together.

MamaMary · 15/02/2014 19:21

I'd be very dubious about this trip, and all the annual ones. Whereabouts Thailand is he going, OP?

And why is someone in their 40s still dating, refusing to move in, 2.5 years on?

Red flags here.

Writerwannabe83 · 15/02/2014 19:25

It sounds a bit strange to me......

I know two guys, aged 34 & 35, both single who go to Thailand every year together. We all suspect why they go and their guilty grins don't do much to persuade us otherwise.....

rabbitlady · 15/02/2014 19:48

if he's off with prostitutes at feb half term, is he really your oh?

mercibucket · 15/02/2014 19:56

if he didnt mention

trekking in the north
staying in a retreat
doing kickboxing
teaching english

then he is going for cheap sex with, hopefully not underage, prostituted women or men

even if he did mention the above, it doesnt rule it out, but if he couldnt even be arsed to come up with a plausible cover story, he thinks you are a fool

JapaneseMargaret · 15/02/2014 19:57

How many stag party threads have we witnessed where people, and often male posters, have piled on to tell people they're being naive about men going to strip clubs?

For each women who says their partner would never go to one, they've been totally jumped on by a load of other people - and as I say, often many, many men - who tell them they know their own partners better than they do, and they're completely deluded, and of course their partner has been to a strip club / intends to go to a strip club.

It's usually men who are the most derogatory about other men, implying that they're all, without exeception, priapic-driven sheep, who can't help but go into any and all strip clubs that cross their path.

And I'm pretty sure that if you asked any group of men what they thought of a single man going to Thailand alone for some "me time", and being all mysterious and elusive about same, they'd be the most critical of all of their own sex.

Other than that I agree with Sauce and Isetan.

iamamug · 15/02/2014 20:17

Thailand is a beautiful huge country with much to offer and I agree that it's really sad that you all assume he would only be going for sex.
As has already been pointed out, you don't have to endure a 12 hour flight for that!
They're not married or living together.
Wouldn't bother me.
My DH loves Thailand, we have been as a family and he goes there alone as he has a lot more time than me being self employed.
He also likes Vietnam, Laos, Slovenia and Cuba.
I only get the odd looks when I mention he's going to Thailand. (Incidentally he hates Bangkok)
Says more about them than it does about him!

CoffeeTea103 · 15/02/2014 20:19

Sorry but you need to wake up and smell the coffee. There's no excuse for being this naive.

Jesuisunepapillon · 15/02/2014 20:30

It is very hard not to leap to conclusions about sex tourism, it would be naïve to not at least consider it. Have you had sexual health checks since you've been with him? And to people who say 'why not just go to Amsterdam/London' etc are missing the point that these men often go to Thailand specifically because they are interested in raping children. Sorry to be blunt, but that's the reality.

Anyway, that aside, even if he isn't going for the sex, I think you want different things from the relationship. My ex wanted to spend 10 months of the year pursuing a hobby which took him away from me 3 nights a week whilst also working 1-2 nights. He absolutely wasn't prepared to give that up; essentially he wanted to be with me when he wanted and live the single life the rest of the time. That wasn't what I wanted so I left and whilst it was sad it was the right decision. We would have been miserable long term.

I'm quite sure some relationships work very well where each person takes separate holidays, it's just you both have to want that.

wideon · 15/02/2014 20:31

Nice casual racism from some replies

Mishmashfamily · 15/02/2014 20:37

Where is the racism ? I've scanned and can't see it?

I would be if dp said he was off for his annual solo trip to Thai land.

The holiday 'me' time alone s weird. You know it's weird because your posting on here.

mameulah · 15/02/2014 20:41

It doesn't get better than the beginning. If this is after two and a half years then what after ten and a half years.

Find someone who wants to take you to Thailand with them!!!

Move on, don't be waiting for him when he gets back.

mercibucket · 15/02/2014 20:47

nah no racism on this thread that i can see

JapaneseMargaret · 15/02/2014 20:57

I only get the odd looks when I mention he's going to Thailand. (Incidentally he hates Bangkok)
Says more about them than it does about him!

Not really.

It says more about the 100s of 1000s of people who to Thainland purely as sex-tourists, who a). give it such a bad name, and b). cause people, rightly or wrongly to jump to conclusions.

The conclusion-jumping isn't done in a vacuum.

LIZS · 15/02/2014 21:05

I'd be a bit about Thailand and departing on Valentines' day (which apparently means more to you than him) but also about the idea that he feels the need to spend a regular amount of time away and that isn't going to change. Yet it seems you would prefer it to . Are you sure you want the same things out of this relationship and that even if you move in together you won't actually function as a couple. Sounds as if things are likely to be very much on his terms.

nkf · 15/02/2014 21:14

You are annoyed. You don't need to worry about being unreasonable. Better to examine why you feel annoyed and act on that. Relationships are meant to be life enhancing.

KristinaM · 15/02/2014 22:40

Some people do not want a committed relationship. They enjoy being single, independent, having their own careers, money, home and free time. Going on holiday, alone or with their friends. Dating one or more people and having sex. Pursuing hobbies or sports.

There is nothing wrong with this lifestyle, if that's what you want.and I don't quite understand why so many posters on this thread are so judgemental about it ( sex tourism aside ) .

And it's clear that the man the Op calls her " other half " is exactly like that. I bet you He doesn't see himself as half of something. I bet he sees her as a girlfriend . I've heard no mention of an engagement or marriage or any other form of commitment. Even the plans for moving in together seems tenuous to say the least

So the question is -is that the lifestyle the OP wants? Because this man is in his 40s and he's not going to change now. Where he goes on holiday is a total red herring IMHO

Sparkletshirt · 15/02/2014 23:14

Op, if someone wants a relationship with you they want to be with you. Dh and I loved being together and he asked me to move in 6 months after we met. That was 11 years ago and I'm 40. Wait until you have that. Thailand aside, this man's using you.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6