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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel annoyed about OH going to Thailand alone

136 replies

WestEndGirl11 · 15/02/2014 11:54

I'm in a relationship of 2.5 yrs, we are happy and in love, don't live together yet but hopefully in a few months we will do this. My OH is in his forties and 9yrs older than me, he's never been married and always lived a bit of a bachelor life. He is a teacher and he likes to go away to Asia every feb half term, on his own. He says he needs space and "me time". We have holidays together as well and I go away with my friends and sister some times. I don't mind him going away with his friends as I can understand that. I don't understand the big exotic holidays on his own - why can't he wait until Easter when we are going to Sri Lanka together for example...

We had a lovely meal out on Thursday for a pre-valentines and he surprised me with roses on Friday, then he flew out to Thailand in the eve. Am I being a total spoilt princess to feel annoyed at him? He wants to do this every year, I just feel like that is not what couples in serious relationships do - small holidays with friends are ok but big holidays should be as a couple or as a one off when the other person can't make it, right?

OP posts:
Original poster
WestEndGirl11 · 15/02/2014 12:41

I am moving into his in a few months when my rent is up, he has asked me repeatedly regarding this, I don't feel that commitment in terms of that is in a issue. I agree that perhaps our definitions of what people do in a committed relationship are different

I have posted before on mumsnet about different things. He is not retired or retiring. I change my username sometimes because I felt like some previous threads I was on were not reflective of the actual situation. I'm just on here for advice from people who are independent from the situation I guess.

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 15/02/2014 12:42

Indeed, codified there's one thing men go to Thailand by themselves for, it's almost definitely culture.

travailtotravel · 15/02/2014 12:46

But when you live together and have joint finances, its just not like that. What about when/if you have DC?

You need to talk about this as it could, in all honesty, be a dealbreaker if he he is not prepared to compromise on it. And it's best to do that BEFORE you move in.

pigletmania · 15/02/2014 12:47

Op him going on holiday to Asian countries by himself is fine, as couples you are individuals, not joined at the hip. When kids are older I would like to go on some skiing holidays alone as dh does not fancy it. Indonesia, Malaysia and Thailand are beautiful countries in themselves, not everyone who goes there is after sex Hmm. Look at the overall picture of how he treats you and your relationship, if your happy than don't worry. Love te way MN jumps to the sex conclusion in the op, that was the least thing I was thinking of!

Grennie · 15/02/2014 12:50

MN jumps to the conclusion of sexual exploitation tourism, because that is what most single men go to Thailand for. If it is a man who has a history of travelling to countries for culture where there is no sexual exploitation tourism, fine. This man does not have that history.

pigletmania · 15/02/2014 12:54

How do you know Grennie, do you know him!

pigletmania · 15/02/2014 12:56

Yes some people like those counties because they are beautiful, if he's a teacher he might help teach English to the children there or do voluntary work, not all men are sex mad fiends

Original poster
WestEndGirl11 · 15/02/2014 12:56

Ok it's probably more fun for you to assume he's out shagging prostitutes, but after 2.5yrs I know him fairly well and it would be a pointless if I didn't trust him at this point.

Thanks pigletmania I am probably over reacting. He has says things would be different if we had kids. We haven't combined finances, wouldn't do that until marriage anyway and id hope our decisions would be more joint then

OP posts:
Jemma1111 · 15/02/2014 12:56

Op , why would he go all the way to Thailand every year for just a bit of 'me time' do you honestly think ?

Theres plenty of other places he could visit if he just wants to be by himself .

Sorry to say but I think you need to 'wake up and smell the coffee'.
He's highly likely , as others have said , to be going purely for the prostitutes. Don't be so naive for your own sake.

ThatBloodyWoman · 15/02/2014 12:57

I don't like the sexist talk on this thread.

pigletmania · 15/02/2014 12:57

He might be into that particular history of Asian countries so go back to study it or learn more about it

Bearbehind · 15/02/2014 12:58

Seriously OP, you need to be honest with yourself. If you only post about one aspect of your relationship, ie in this instance, the holiday, the responses will be very different to if you post about your relationship in general.

I seem to remember the retirement thing wasn't imminent, it was just that he planned to do it early and whilst he was of an age where you assumed you'd still have school aged children.

You both have very different expectations of your futures.

When you say 'he has asked repeatedly regarding you moving in' what do you actually mean? It seems to me he asks you about it when he has the security of knowing you have just entered into another 6 month tenancy agreement and when it comes to the end of each agreement, he moves the goal posts.

You shouldn't have to wait until he condescends to allow you to move in, it should be what you both really want.

If he has his own house, it wouldn't actually cost him anything for you to move in and you could end your tenancy early, pay the rest of the rent for the period and neither of you would be any worse off financially. The reality seems to be, it's not what he wants.

He is a life long bachelor and won't change. If you don't start being honest with yourself, more and more years will pass and you'll wake up one day and realise nothing will ever change but by then your options for a different life might be very much limited.

Original poster
WestEndGirl11 · 15/02/2014 12:58

He has travelled the world by himself before he met me, not just Asia, and we have been on several holidays together, he likes new places and especially warm places, not ladyboys or prostitutes. Jeeeez!

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 15/02/2014 12:59

Maybe because he appears to be going on holiday with the op at Easter; but the "me time" must be in Thailand Hmm
If it had to be a remote Scottish island, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.

pigletmania · 15/02/2014 12:59

Exactly what if op was a man and complaining that his female partner kept going to Asian countries. Yes because all men are dirty paedophiles, I despaired.

specialsubject · 15/02/2014 12:59

the Thai trips are irrelevant.

currently he gets company when he wants it and free sex. Soon he'll have all that and housekeeping too. Now, if you're happy with that, good for you and that's absolutely fine, but if you want kids and a real partnership this is the wrong bloke.

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 15/02/2014 13:00

Maybe he just wants to go an exotic foreign holiday so he can relax on a beach and unwind on his own? Maybe he likes the food? Or maybe, just maybe, he likes Thailand and he can afford to go there, and he enjoys it.

Not everyone goes to Thailand to have sex with prostitutes Hmm

harticus · 15/02/2014 13:02

I think it is very fucking odd indeed to assume that any man travelling alone to Asia is only after prostituted sex. And I suppose any man going to Russia or Ukraine is after a mail order bride.
I have never heard such bollocks.

This time of year is great in Thailand - not too hot or rainy.
Given that he is a teacher and limited to when he can go it certainly makes sense to always go at Feb Half Term.

OP you just need to see where his commitments are if it is bothering you.

Graceparkhill · 15/02/2014 13:02

If I am honest I think that Thailand and single men strongly suggests sex tourism. If you had said he goes skiing in Switzerland or camping in Colorado I wouldn't have had the same initial reaction.

I think it is good to have time together and time apart if finances allow and there is no point in being on holiday together if you have different interests.
DH and I holiday together and separately but have been together for over 30 years so not in the first flush of romance. DH solo travels are confined to two nights on the West Coast of Scotland.

pigletmania · 15/02/2014 13:03

I know TheDictors. If my circumstances were different (no kids, more money), I would go skiing on my own, once a year, America as I love the country

Floggingmolly · 15/02/2014 13:04

What things would be different if you had kids, op? (In his opinion, that is)

SauceForTheGander · 15/02/2014 13:05

Does he really use the phrase "me time" as well?

The only other time I've heard this is from my father and it was me time indeed but not alone time.

Look - you obviously trust him. As you do then it's perfectly ok for him to travel alone. The issue is trust rather than the "me time"

The only thing I would say if you've got this many issues prior to co-habiting I'd seriously think about whether this is right for you. Relationships are tested more when you live together / have DCs.

Shakey1500 · 15/02/2014 13:05

Can't believe all the sweeping generalisations that because he's of a certain age and likes to holiday alone in a particular country that it is likely he is exploiting women who are prostitutes.

Bloody sad world we live in assuming things like that. My only red flag would be OP watch out for tons of people trying to convince you he's up to no good.

harticus · 15/02/2014 13:05

DH solo travels are confined to two nights on the West Coast of Scotland

And how do you know he isn't getting his end away with some local stud?

Don't you people see how ridiculous these assertions about Thailand are?!

Grennie · 15/02/2014 13:09

Just using google, and it is estimated that about 90% of men travelling to Thailand alone, are going there for to have sex with prostituted women or men. So the MN assumption is based on fact.