OK why should the woman take the blokes surname?

[aquashiv]

Ver brief history I have a name, a professional one and don't want to loose it. All our children have my name due to the fact that I am the Mother and its a name that has meaning. Himself calls himself Mr Aquashiv and we joke and laugh but and here we are is it yet sociallly acceptable to take the womans name without being made to feel as if you are emancipating the man thing. I could just marry him and shut my mouth but well why should I? The marriage convo came up again tonight and I don't know I feel so bloody weird thinking I should take his name why should I???

I think it's an age thing too bunbaker - I think we're about the same age. I only know one or two women of my age who keppt their maiden name and then just at work. Five years later it was very different.

I never felt the need to question it but there's much I don't question anyway that seems to irk others.

My son's fiancée is going to change her name. I didn't ask- it just cropped up casually in conversation. I have no opinion on it, other than it is nothing to do with me.

I have to say though, I still don't get the 'feminist' angle about it all.

Because until the 'do what you like with your name' lot go down the generations, at present, keeping your own name tends to mean that you keep your father's...

I think it's really strange that it's still so unusual to keep your own name when you get married. I am the only one of my friends who didn't change my name, which I found very depressing, particularly as a couple of them gave up kickass names for crap ones. There's no way I would have, purely because the tradition is completely sexist and I want no part of that! I wish DH had been up for a new name for both of us, I really like that idea.
Double-barrelling - where does it end? Would your kids want to double-barrel if they get married? Quadruple-barrels?? It's a nice idea but just doesn't seem very practical.

I don't understand why other people's choices are 'depressing'- too many people are keen to interfere in things that have nothing to do with them. I am amazed at the number of people who make a decision for themselves and think everyone should do the same. I put it down to insecurity.

I do think everyone should have the right to chose, and probably just under half the married women I know have kept their own surname. I also know a few couples who have chosen to hyphenate or rearrange/combine both their names, and one man who opted to take his new wife's name.

The bit that bother's me is the number of married women I know who say something like "I was going to keep my own surname, but my DH was really upset/insulted/stubborn and said that he wouldn't feel married/there was no point in getting married". I know lots of women who I've heard saying such a thing.

I also know quite a few families who have ended up with odd combinations of names, often following divorce.

I have one friend who has been married 4 times (understandable in the way things turned out, in case anyone is thinking ), she took her husband's name each time, and has 4 children from the first three marriages.
She is now married to a wonderful man and he's a keeper. She has his surname, but she recently (and very wistfully) told me that she finds it hard.
Her DC1 and DC2 have one surname (their father, who the whole family stay in contact with); DC3 has another surname (from father DH2, who DC3 sees very occasionally); DC4 has yet another surname (from father DH3, who no-one sees); my friend and DH4 have even yet another surname (DH4's); and no-one has my friend's own surname!

An unusual situation, perhaps, but wouldn't it have been better if she (and her DCs) had all had her name all the way through.

Not necessarily. My son has a different surname, it has never been a problem.

Can someone explain the Spanish method of names to me please? I know it's different, but I don't quite understand it.

verdiletta I find it strange as well that so many women still change their names. It's baffling to me. It seems so old-fashioned.

Can I just say that there is absolutely no obligation to have your father's name and occupation on a marriage certificate - it is purely for genealogical purposes.
It obviously doesn't address the equality issue of not being able to record a mother's name and and occupation.
But you don't have to record your father's name (whether he has or hasn't been a part of your life).

TamerB hear hear! I'm 52 and didn't take my husband's name when I married. However we did give the children his surname and then later I more or less 'evolved' into having the same surname as my children - not particularly because it was his. To me it's just a convenient label, it doesn't define me. We separated now but I still use the same name - I've just got used to it. We'll always have a connection because of the children - it's no big deal to me to continue to use the name. If I marry someone else I'll probably revert to my maiden name

eurochick perhaps in a few years' time it will seem strange and old fashioned to keep your birth name. Where's the logic? I'd be better off using a 'label' that describes me in some way - Fortyplus Horselover or something like that Or perhaps a favourite tree or flower? It doesn't really matter, especially as we're all now so mobile.

I don't understand why people who are 'baffled', 'depressed', 'think it old fashioned' believe they are the 'thought police' and we should all think the same. I am not 'baffled', or remotely bothered. I assume that as adults they have given it thought and have their reasons- none of which they need to share with anyone. ( I really don't want them to share anyway- it is boring and a non issue)

I agree TamerB. Maybe I just didn't overthink it.

LaydeeC do you agree that there should at least be a choice to include the mother's name & occupation on a marriage certificate when there is a space for the father's name & occupation?

I understand that you can refuse to provide the information about the fathers but it is expected.

Petition here.

In Spain ww got 2 surnames one for the dad and one for the mum. Before the dad surname had to be the first but now you can put the mum surname first. By law we are not allowed to change surname, you only can change the order of your two surnames.
We don't have to take that decision when we get married, my surname for me is where I can from.

I think what's depressing is that an inherently sexist tradition remains largely unchallenged. If people want to change their names in line with this sexist tradition of course that's up to them.

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/oct/06/women-change-name-after-marriage-greece

This is an interesting read.

Even in the UK, it was not always, everywhere, tradition for women to change their names on marriage. In many parts of Scotland, you can still find 18th cent/19th cent tombstones or documents recording women in the format: 'Jean Munro wife of Hector MacBeth' or similar. And I've seen very recent Scottish legal documents recording a married woman's DUAL identity, for example 'Morag Campbell (Mrs James Brodie)'. I wonder whether that sort of double name might help make certain husbands feel happier?

In Scotland, the bride's mother's birth name was traditionally recorded on a marriage certificate. And mothers birth names were recorded on death certificates, too. A boon for family historians!

I agree with earlier poster who said that marriage is surely about much more than names - though I certainly did not want to change my name when I married, and did not.

I took dh's name. I do regret it. I should have asked him to take mine, and then he might have understood, but I didn't realise how much I feel I lost when my name went. I'd quite like to change back, but I've been married for nearly 20 years, dh would never understand.

Don't do it. Hang on to your name.

I dislike the losing the identity argument. I took his name mostly because mine is a right pain to spell if I am honest as its forrin. I am still me though, my identity as me still exists. I like us all having the same name but I doesn't actually matter to me.

I like the fact that you can chose to do whatever you like really.

I'm double-barrelled. I never wanted to lose my surname but DH wanted me to take his, so I did. However I got depression and one of the things I was unhappy with, was the name thing, so I spoke with DH and told him how I felt and I changed it by deed-poll to double barrelled. One simple thing made me feel so much happier, wish I'd done it from the outset.

I'd like it if he changed his but he's quite firm that there's no way - and that's OK it's his choice.

We're TTC now and this decision over childrens surname hasn't been made but I suspect I know which way it will go.......

In short, to answer your OP, there is no reason nowadays why the woman should automatically take the man's name other than old fashioned sexism.

I don't think they do automatically take it- it is just personal choice and very rude to speculate whether it was automatic instead of informed choice. It is simply no one else's business.