OK why should the woman take the blokes surname?

[aquashiv]

Ver brief history I have a name, a professional one and don't want to loose it. All our children have my name due to the fact that I am the Mother and its a name that has meaning. Himself calls himself Mr Aquashiv and we joke and laugh but and here we are is it yet sociallly acceptable to take the womans name without being made to feel as if you are emancipating the man thing. I could just marry him and shut my mouth but well why should I? The marriage convo came up again tonight and I don't know I feel so bloody weird thinking I should take his name why should I???

I changed mine. Very happy to lose the connection to my abusive fuckwit father. My mother didn't keep his name after the divorce either.

No-one has to change their name, some choose to some choose not to, there is no right or wrong, should or shouldn't.

I took my husband's name but I also double barrel it with my maiden name for some things too. I don't feel I have lost my identity by choosing to take my husband's name and I like the fact that we all have the same surname as a family but I also like to use my own name as well when it is just me :)

If you don't want to change your name then don't, there is no problem either way.

There's no reason he couldn't take your name on marrying you. He'd have to change it by deed poll, rather than simply by signing the register that way (I think the same is true of double-barrelling?), but I know people who've done this. Not many, and you probably have to be ready for some twerps to think there's something unmanly about taking your wife's name - but why not, if that's what you decide to do?

How come woman's last name is her father's, but man's last name is his own?

It's an out dated argument in my view. Call yourself whatever you want. Most women have their Dad's name anyway (as their 'maiden' name) so it has still come from a man, reflective of this patriarchal society.

I took DH's name when we got married but that was my choice. What pisses me off is when someone calls me Mrs F Kasterborous. F is DH's initial mine is L, I didn't take his entire name on. Someone phoned the other day asking for Mrs F Kasterborous I said no one of that name lives here.

Much as I dislike my father, I like the surname I have always had - and, perhaps unlike quite a lot of people, my name is in fact very important to me, as it sums up my rather variegated ethnic origins.

I am sure Mr Inferior's father was a delightful bloke (it wouldn't have been hard to be nicer than my dad) but for a number of reasons I prefer not to change my surname to his, should I ever take up his son's offers of marriage.

I don't want to be merged into some family unit anyway. I find motherhood erodes one's independent identity quite enough, thank you very much.

Incidentally my surname is quite hideously difficult to spell in England. People get it wrong all the time. Don't care.

I kept my my maiden name as I couldn't see any good reason to change it. I am still the same person. Its a link to my family history why would I want to give it up.

We've been married for nearly 14 years and there isn't a single official document where I am Mrs DH name and this has never caused a problem.

little - interesting, I don't know one married lesbian couple where either changed their names.

I never understood the 'it's your father's name anyway' argument. Sure, it's the name my father gave me ... so is my first name. My parents gave me lots of things as a baby that shaped who I am.

Women didn't historically always change their names. As well as Scotland which has been mentioned, English women kept their names or, more often, just used both interchangeably. Quite a few old-fashioned English names are feminine forms of words, which suggests they were passed down the maternal line at some stage.

I took DH's name because mins is awkward and Dutch - difficult to spell, difficult to pronounce in an Anglophone country. I got tired of having to correct official documents.

A good friend of mine got married and her DH took her name because he liked it better.

As long as you're both happy, what difference does it make? People who judge you can just take a flying leap.

I took my husbands name because I wanted all the family to have the same name. TBH I would have happily double barrelled if it wasn't for the fact the name would sound like a name for a lepracaun from a luck charms advert with the 2 O's in our surnames. O'xxxx O'yyyy. Hell would freeze over before DH would have taken my name, he is very proud of his family name. My sister did not change but my SILs did marrying into my family.

I have no intention of changing my name. This little fact is a useful way of sorting through prospective partners on dates

I don't 'belong' to any man. For the same reason, my father will not be 'giving me away' if I get married.

It matters from a feminist perspective that a woman has taken her father's name, in recent generations at least, because she didn't get the option of taking her mother's name, did she? For me, my father's father was a man who didn't even care enough to visit his own son once in his lifetime, so it's pretty ridiculous that I would still be carrying his surname!
It's good that women now can use whichever name they choose - and if that is your husband's then that also is a valid choice.

PoshPaula Fri 07-Feb-14 11:24:29
It's an out dated argument in my view. Call yourself whatever you want. Most women have their Dad's name anyway (as their 'maiden' name) so it has still come from a man, reflective of this patriarchal society.

True, but as one poster said, it's only one generation away from someone keeping their mother's name.

After all, new traditions have to start somewhere.

I have never changed my name. If DP and I decide to get married, I will still retain my name (the sheer hassle, not to mention cost, of changing everything is only one reason). After 27 years together, I think it unlikely we will marry.

We have 2 DCs. They have DP's surname, but although we have different names, we do not feel any less a family unit than those where one (or both) parent has changed their name.

Due to both of us having long surnames, double-barrelling was a non-starter.

fry please see my last post.

My mum has now said that if she had the chance over again, she wouldn't have taken Dad's surname.

Simply because she would have liked to have kept her own, but the vast majority of people in our area automatically assumed that you had to take the bloke's name on marriage.

I still come across people who think it's some kind of law that a woman must take a bloke's surname, who have been astonished (and in some cases defensive) when it's been pointed out that there is no law.

I also remember a thread from a poster, whose PIL, and especially the FIL were adamant that the poster take their family name, to the point that when in company and she was asked her name, they tried to override her and say she was "Mrs Whatever-PIL-surname-was". Even though she had never used her husband's surname.

On the other hand, DD, aged 13, thinks my surname is cooler than DP's, which she has, and might think of changing hers when older. I just told her to use the name she wants.

It does seem to be changing which is good and at least people have choices.

We had the conversation nearly 20 yrs ago. Husband was fine with me keeping my name but wanted the children to have his name which I can understand as why should they just have mine (don't think we thought of double barrel or wanted it).

In the end I thought it would just be easier to all have the same name, plus I liked his unusual name more than my 10 a penny common one. Far as I know I might be the only brooncoo on the planet.

What I find strange is that a close female family member is getting married soon and it never even crossed her mind that she had a choice, all her recently married friends have all taken the husbands name. Just seemed to accept it without thought. They are all in their 20's.

Just do what you want! We're combining our surnames for our incoming baby's name, and will do the same if/when we get married. Mine first and then his second - just because it sounds better, not because one is more important than the other. I'd change my name if it wasn't one that means alot (in terms of heritage etc, we're the only family with that name in the country) so we've decided to put them together. We feel we're more a family unit if we share last names. My parents never got married, so never had the same last name, but us kids had both (only uses mum's name on paper really). I think it's totally up to you, and if people don't like it, too bad for them :)

Kept my name, it may have been my dad's name but it was unusual (tho not particularly nice) - the alternative would have been to make something up. DMs name is pretty odd and it was her DF's anyway so no point in going out of my way to adopt that. DCs have their father's name as it's the convention and don't feel enough strongly about it to object. They both have my surname as a second middle name. I don't like double barrelled names so that didn't occur to me.

You can what you like.
I know women who are Mrs Marriedname
I know some who are Miss Maiden name
I know some who are Ms Maiden name
I know some who are Mrs Marriedname most of the time, but haven't spent £70 on updating their passports so are Miss Maidenname when they travel
I know professional women who are Dr Maidenname at work and mrs Married name at home
Some who have double barrelled with a '-' some without, some who have de polled their maiden name to their middle name

I'm not married and occasionally get post to Mrs Mrginsirname or mr and mrs gin

As long as you're clear what your name is and in what situation then it makes no difference really.
Just don't get the hump when people get confused and send birthday cards to the wrong name.

Quite a few old-fashioned English names are feminine forms of words, which suggests they were passed down the maternal line at some stage.

AIUI any name which ends in '-ster' like "Webster" was the female version of an occupational lastname - in that case a female weaver.

My lastname (which I kept) is such a name so at its origins was given to the family line by a woman

I took my husbands name because my maiden name is very difficult and I was fed up of spelling it out to everyone and also people spelling it incorrectly.
My surname now is normal and nobody gets confused with it.
Also our dc's have his surname and I didn't want a different name to my own children.

We have chosen a completely new surname name together.

I took husband's name because it has 4 letters and fabulous. Mine is long and as a foreigner living in a European country I found out sooner that using his name was for my own advantage. Never got called in or got responses when I applied for jobs using my own. The moment i changed i got an interview right away.
That being the case, have i lost my identity? Absolutely not. I am not defined by any name. I just love that we all have the same name. Dh would have taken mine if it was any good but alas no.

You don't have to change your name if you don't want to. We are past the olden days where it was the norm. My sister never changed hers even if society dictates as such.