OK why should the woman take the blokes surname?

[aquashiv]

Ver brief history I have a name, a professional one and don't want to loose it. All our children have my name due to the fact that I am the Mother and its a name that has meaning. Himself calls himself Mr Aquashiv and we joke and laugh but and here we are is it yet sociallly acceptable to take the womans name without being made to feel as if you are emancipating the man thing. I could just marry him and shut my mouth but well why should I? The marriage convo came up again tonight and I don't know I feel so bloody weird thinking I should take his name why should I???

My SIL changed her name because, as a freelance photographer in Germany, our Irish surname stood out and made her memorable to clients. I think that is a rational and sensible reason for changing her name, as is hating your original surname or wanting to distance yourself from you family.

Another sister and her DH took a completely new surname, his mother's original surname as they wanted the same name but wanted to disassociate from his father (long history of abusive behaviour) and also wanted something less likely to confuse computer programmes than ours. Apostrophes in names cause havoc with some IT systems I'm looking at you BA

I have a friend who changed his name to his wife's as it is distinctive. They married 25 years ago so these things wre not as common as now. Their children have his surname as a middle name. Even after they divorced he kept it hyphenated with his own.

I kept my name as I have a professional reputation that took me a lot of time and effort to build. I did suggest to DH he might like to take mine but he declined. DD has his surname as there are far more people in the world with my surname than his.

You choose what works for you.

Don't take his name then,I didn't 25 years ago, no one batted an eyelid.

Don't take his name. It's not a rule, just a misogynistic convention. I didn't. I too have a professional identity and publications under my name, but frankly even if I didn't, and even if my name was Pooh-Bboggs-Higginbotham, there would have been no way I was going to change my name to indicate ownership had passed between my father and my husband. Our son has both our names.

Oh this is my special interest topic but just on this MN name. I did not want to change my name or wanted to keep it as a middle name and allowed myself to be persuaded by DH .

After 11 years of marriage I have changed my name by deed poll so I have two surnames with no hyphen.

All those on this thread regretting changing your name - change back! Or change to two surnames.

It feels amazing to be "me" again. I have no problem with others changing their name but strongly urge people not to change if they have the slightest doubt.

I have retained DH surname at the end as we gave DS that surname.

I took inspiration from Lucy Stone.

If anyone is nosey and wants to know what my name is then please go and sign my petition which is calling for Mother's names and occupations to be on marriage certificates in England and Wales!

don't worry I have other MN names for stuff I don't want to be outed for

Got married recently and people at work have asked what my new name is. 'I'm keeping my surname' I reply breezily.

'Oh, but what are you going to be outside of work?' 'I'll still be Whereare Socka.'

'But what's your real name?' 'Umm, the one I've had for 35 years and is clearly stated in my passport, driving licence, credit cards, mortgage....'

'But what's your new husband's name?' 'Well, it's ...............'

'Oooooooooh! Mrs................!'

More than once. Grrrrrrrrr.

I think we should all carefully consider names and naming conventions as I believe language shapes culture.

Quite how we are still in a situation where the father of the brides names and occupation and father of the grooms name and occupation are required on the marriage certificates but mothers names and occupations are not baffles me.

apart from it doesn't baffle me when I put my feminist glasses on

No reason at all, as far as I can see. So I kept my name and I'm completely happy with this decision.

I did find it frustrating to have to put my father's name on the certificate.

My DP and I both changed our surname. I've never considered changing my name as "losing my identity" as comes up often in these discussions, but I never considered my father's surname (which had been changed only few generations back in his family's line to better pass) my identity in any firm way. But then, I changed my first name as well. Quite enjoyed it, really, it was more like gaining, creating and taking charge of it rather than losing anything.

Getting married doesn't mean you have to take your partner's name. My mother didn't change her name, and neither did most of her contemporaries.

I wanted the same surname as my DH and future children. Tried to persuade DH who is liberal in many ways but from a traditional family to have both surnames, to choose a new one or to take mine. He was having NONE of it.

So I changed mine, although I keep my birth name for work.

I'm happy to have his but wish I'd kept mine too. I've started to refer to myself as firstname surname dhsurname on non legal docs and will I think change it when my passport runs out.

there would have been no way I was going to change my name to indicate ownership had passed between my father and my husband

No one owns me regardless of which name I use.

No one owns me regardless of which name I use

This, exactly. Everyone should do whatever they prefer, but I really resent the insinuation that changing my name indicated my husband now owns me!

Personally, I did choose to take his name. Few reasons:

1. I wanted us to share a name- I like the idea of a name which shows we're a family. So shoot me!
2. The name I had wasn't even really "mine" - there was one on my birth certificate (father;s surname), but I had been known by another since I was a baby. This was the surname my mum used, which was actually the surname of her ex husband (not my dad, split 10 years before me)
3. My old name was kind of ugly!

I view DH's name as a name I have actively chosen to have. It feels more "mine" than the other two!

I think that you must be fairly pathetic if you feel 'owned' by a father or husband. Even sillier to think that a name has any relevance- I have never been 'owned' so I can choose what to do with my name.

the lady who did our wedding kept her maiden name she didnt even wear a wedding ring she just didnt consider it practical she is the type of lady who wears a mans watch because its bigger and you dont need to squint no frills no fuss kind of lady

a friend of mine has just got married and he took her name

you dont have to take his name its your choice and you can still use your maiden name for professional reasons even if you do take his name

People who are comfortable with a name change being no big deal and opting for the convenience or whatever of a family label, would it have been no big deal for your DHs to have used your name as the family label?

It wouldn't have worried me whose name we all took, if I had a surname I could be happy with. As it was, I wasn't going to inflict the life time of teasing I got for my surname on my children. It's hard enough being a kid without giving others instant ammo.

Do genus it's realise how patronizing they are to other women?

I still maintain I feel more judged and marginalized by other women than men and that so called feminism is a greater threat to my ability to make choices for myself than misogeny has ever been.

*genius = feminists.

Never a more inappropriate autocorrect.

I find it patronising in the extreme, Joysmum.
I hate the assumption that I changed because I didn't understand it was optional. I made an informed choice.

Same here TamerB - I made a choice about which name I wanted to be known by. Surely that's the feminist thing to do - whatever you want!

I am definitely a feminist and don't feel patronised or restricted by feminism. I find it patronising to hear someone claim I have 'given up my identity' by making an informed and free choice to take my husband's name, but I don't confuse that with a feminist statement. Genuine feminism is inclusive of all women and supportive of their freedom to make informed decisions. A lot of people who criticise feminism are criticising a highly unflattering portrait of feminism that doesn't actually reflect what feminism is. Genuine misogyny is a far greater threat to women than genuine feminism.

The fact that anyone can make a choice with nobody much caring is due to the challenge to the tradition made by feminists. It didn't emerge out of nothing. If it wasn't for campaigners who called themselves feminists, we'd still not own our own property and we'd have to give up work when we got married and it would be legal to pay us less than men for the same job. We live in a world made better by generations of women who called themselves feminists and were ridiculed by men - another women - for doing so.

Ridiculed by men and sometimes by other women.

I still don't get why most women do it automatically.

Particularly don't get why after divorce women keep his name. I know some of you say it's to keep the same name as your children, son and I have always had different names didn't cause any problems. (Although son now complains that he'd have preferred if we'd used my surname rather than his father's)

Particularly don't understand why you'd keep it if there's no children and why you'd call yourself "Mrs x"when you're not actually "Mrs x"

I suppose I fundamentally hate "Mrs" It's so mimsy and "oh look at me I'm married" "Madame"or "Frau" don't have the same loaded meaning as mademoiselle and frauleins are simply girls.

That is what irritates me - the sweeping assumption that it is done 'automatically' and not that we thought it out and made a conscious, informed choice! ( irritates me to death)

And of course "Mrs Caitlin17's husband's surname"is his mother.