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AIBU?

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Original poster

OK why should the woman take the blokes surname?

206 replies

aquashiv · 07/02/2014 01:04

Ver brief history I have a name, a professional one and don't want to loose it. All our children have my name due to the fact that I am the Mother and its a name that has meaning. Himself calls himself Mr Aquashiv and we joke and laugh but and here we are is it yet sociallly acceptable to take the womans name without being made to feel as if you are emancipating the man thing. I could just marry him and shut my mouth but well why should I? The marriage convo came up again tonight and I don't know I feel so bloody weird thinking I should take his name why should I???

OP posts:
chandlery · 07/02/2014 08:01

japanesemargaret wow, outrageous and unacceptable? Well I guess I am then. Perhaps when you've thrown out the rule book you'll be less opinionated and judgey?

What exactly is wrong with tradition? We married, had children, work hard for what we have. I don't judge people who don't follow the same tradition - this is 2014 and the world is full of different ways to live and be happy.

dannydyerismydad · 07/02/2014 08:03

I was happy to "lose my identity" when I married. I was one of only 2 people in the world with my name, had a relatively high profile job and was easily google able. It's been nice to sink into obscurity.

OwlCapone · 07/02/2014 08:06

...and women were all told to give up their name on marriage in favour of men's, we'd think it was outrageous.

Women aren't "told" to though. I wanted to, I have some friends who did and some who didn't, some who double barrelled and some where the DH took his new wife's surname. You can do whatever you like.

TamerB · 07/02/2014 08:12

My name isn't my identity. I am quite secure in who I am.
Personally, when I am out I like to form a same name group as my husband and children, rather than my brother and nephews.
If people want to keep the name they were born with I am quite happy for them to do so, I wouldn't dream if expressing an opinion, I don't even have an opinion on it! It is entirely up to them
What irritates me is people telling others what they should do or being patronisingly told that we change names because we don't understand the alternative.
I made an informed decision and have not regretted it in 25 years!

TamerB · 07/02/2014 08:13

And no one told me. It is ridiculous- do whatever you want- quietly.

TamerB · 07/02/2014 08:14

By 'quietly' I mean don't bang in about it- it is a non issue.

kilmuir · 07/02/2014 08:16

Not sure what difference it makes who earns the most?
My DH had a much nicer surname so i changed

Bunbaker · 07/02/2014 08:16

Does it really matter?

There is way to much overthinking, and "chip on shoulder" posts on this thread.

I got married over 32 years ago and it didn't occur to me to not take OH's name. I don't feel as if I have lost my identity or "owned" by OH, and I am proud to be part of a strong partnership. OH and I aren't the sort of couple that do everything together - we have our separate interests, jobs, friends etc.

I also got married before my career took off so I didn't have any issues about name changing mid career.

Also my married surname is far less of a mouthful than my maiden name.

misskatamari · 07/02/2014 08:20

My husband took my surname as did one of my friends husbands when they married. It's quite amusing when people ask my maiden name and then look really confused when it's the same name. Anything goes tho nowadays and it's much more common for women not to change their name. Quite annoying that it can just be automatic and free when we get married but men have to pay and change by deedpoll if they want to take their wife's name

KittensoftPuppydog · 07/02/2014 08:29

I can't understand why women who keep their own name seem to frequently give their children their husband's name. Why is this?
I took my husband's name, but I saw my original name as my dad's name.
I have a really distinctive first name so people know who I am regardless.

ArsePaste · 07/02/2014 08:50

I discussed this with my husband before we got married, and suggested we both change our names. He refused, though he acknowledged that he didn't really have a reason for it, so I didn't change mine either. It doesn't have to be a big deal.

DitaVonCreamTeas · 07/02/2014 08:52

I wanted to keep my name, but we also wanted our DC to have the same family name as us so we both double-barrelled; DH think men who don't want to double-barrel are wimps.

MoominIsGoingToBeAMumWaitWHAT · 07/02/2014 08:55

It helps in my case that my professional name with Equity is my first and middle name, so there are no surnames involved professionally Grin but I'll be taking OH's surname when we marry. Our baby is due in April and he or she will also take OH's surname. I'm not concerned that I'll forget who I am or lose my identity or anything daft like that if I change my name - it's just what some people call me. Very few people use my surname anyway Grin

liquidstate · 07/02/2014 09:00

I miss my maiden name. Married name is far too unusual and cumbersome. But my maiden name was my fathers surname and I do not have contact with them anymore so there was no excuse not to change really.

It still rankles and took a lot of tears and getting used to. I really did feel like I had lost my identity. It was more to do with the fact that I had to move near my inlaws for DHs work and I rarely saw my friends or family so felt I had no identity.

Don't change it if you don't want to, but its important for DCs to have the fathers name so double barrel that.

Nanny0gg · 07/02/2014 09:06

Why are you making such a big deal out of it?

These days, changing your name (or not) is up to you. Marrying (or not) is up to you-although I still think life is easier with a family if you are married unless you put all sorts of other paperwork/safeguards in place.

I changed my name because I hated my maiden name, preferred my husband's and I was quite happy to be married.

If that's not what you want to do, then don't.

What does your DP think?

Trills · 07/02/2014 09:06

I don't want to get married just for a name i don't want.

When you get married, nobody has to change their name if they don't want to.

People can also change their names without getting married.

The two are often combined but can be entirely separate.

There are other (generally legal and financial) benefits to getting married. Plus some people think it's romantic :)

Oubliette0292 · 07/02/2014 09:06

I kept my name (for professional reasons), and the DC have DH's surname. This is the norm among my friends. (One of the unexpected perks of this is that when telesales people call asking for Mrs DH I can happily tell them that they must have the wrong number because there is no one by that name who lives at our address). When my sister got married her husband changed his name to her surname. His dad had left his mum when he was very small and he didn't want to pass his dad's surname on. When he asked my dad if he could marry my sister he also asked if it would be OK if he adopted our surname too. I think my dad was more excited about this that the fact that my sister was getting married.

Nanny0gg · 07/02/2014 09:06

And I have never felt that my 'identity' is bound up in my surname.

hiccupgirl · 07/02/2014 09:12

You don't have to change your name on marriage - you gain the right to use your husband's name legally but you don't have to.

I didn't change my name when I married DH 13 yrs ago and had always told him I wouldn't. Our names wouldn't be good double barrelled so we both just use our own. DS has his dad's surname which I was happy with at the time and it suits him but I do regret not including mine as an extra middle name. Having said that my last name is a well known insult so I didn't want to inflict it on my son!

Do what matters to you. My name was important to me because my parents divorced when I was a kid and I kept my dad's name when my mum remarried whereas everyone else had my step-dad's name. If your name isn't as significant to you then i can understand people being happy to change it.

SomethingkindaOod · 07/02/2014 09:20

The poster who called the name change a spectacular non event pretty much sums up my experience. I changed my name on marriage, DS already had DH's name anyway as he was a toddler when we got round to getting married. Bit of a PITA remembering to change everything but apart from that it's been a total non event. People who believe that you give up your own identity if you take your husband's surname must be massively insecure IMO.

Joysmum · 07/02/2014 09:27

There's only one reason for a woman to take the surname if her husband, because SHE wants to.

I get totally pissed off with so called demeaning the choices I make because I want to do it. Feminists work to LIMIT my choices, not increase them.

Binkyridesagain · 07/02/2014 09:32

I didn't take my husband's name, I just shortened my maiden name, it just happened that it ended up the same as my husbands.

No one should take on anothers name if they don't want to.

UniS · 07/02/2014 09:38

Its non issue these days. You use the name you wish to use. You change your name if and when you wish to, it doesn't have to be on marriage and it doesn't have to be a name already used by one of your family.

I am married and use the name I have always been known by, my name, DH uses the name he has always been known by, his name, DS has been given a name we are both happy for him to be known by.

We have friends who married, both kept own names and gave their children a different name to either parent. Other friends who gave children their fathers name, and others who gave their children their mothers name.

Lovecat · 07/02/2014 09:41

Joysmum I don't think that feminists are limiting your choices hereHmm.

Did "they" (that totally Borg-like hivemind of ALL feminists that spend their every waking hour conspiring to destroy society as we know it) prevent you from taking your DH's name? No. So why the need to slip that comment in?

Besides, unless you're from a Scandinavian or other culture where it's common to take a mother-identified surname, your maiden name is your father's anyway, so keeping that says - what? You're still your father's property?

I consider myself a feminist but I think the issue of a last name can be a little bit overthought. As TheSnails said, go for the fabulous :o (I did, which is why I have DH's name instead of my dull single name)

SignoraStronza · 07/02/2014 09:43

I took dh's surname simply because I prefer it to the (v. odd) surname I was originally landed with. Plus, it sounds nice posher. My very high powered exec friend did exactly the same for the same reason - and they have no plans to have children.

Another friend and her dh are both blessed with awesome names and reckon the idea of double barrelling is rather poncy - so she's kept her name. I think their ds has his father's name, which they're both happy with.

I don't think any of us even thought about it from a feminist pov really. It's just a name.

My dd1 had her bio father's surname but there wasn't any choice in the matter in the country where she was born. It isn't a bad name - sounds quite sweet and only really bothers me when someone called me 'Mrs ex-p'.