OK why should the woman take the blokes surname?

[aquashiv]

Ver brief history I have a name, a professional one and don't want to loose it. All our children have my name due to the fact that I am the Mother and its a name that has meaning. Himself calls himself Mr Aquashiv and we joke and laugh but and here we are is it yet sociallly acceptable to take the womans name without being made to feel as if you are emancipating the man thing. I could just marry him and shut my mouth but well why should I? The marriage convo came up again tonight and I don't know I feel so bloody weird thinking I should take his name why should I???

Anything goes these days as someone rightly said, I myself will keep my surname AND take his, like a double barrel, but yes, I'm all for equality and if you want to keep your name then do!

I took DH's name for the following reasons

I wanted to have the same name as dcs - therefore I had to choose the name I wanted them to have, mine -or DHs

Mine
an insult (similar to Dick - but not)
Mildly embarrassing (see above)
No-one in my family has it except my unmarried, childless brother.
Never liked it (see above)
Culturally neutral

His
Not lovely but not awful either
Shared by literally hundreds of people in his extended family (his dad is 1 of 8 boys- loads of cousins)
Belonging to a minority ethnic group so helps to root my dcs in that culture.

I thought about it and made a considered decision. I could talk about it until I'm blue in the face but as far as some people are concerned I will always be an unthinking moron who has sold out to the patriarchy and given up my 'identity'. Sometimes I just want to say 'how do you not know how fucking rude that is?" but that would be rude.

I'm an academic and nearly all female academics keep their name (especially if they have published a lot) - it's a non- issue. (It's actually very unusual to hear of one who does change her name - I can only think of one or two examples off the top of my head!) All the things people worry about about names (eg. will it cause confusion or legal issues at children' school) just don't really happen. Totally normal to have parents with different surnames round these parts. I even know of couples who've done the Swedish thing of choosing a blended or totally new family name, if they all want the same one.

Live in Belgium. It's the norm here to retain your maiden name after marriage for all purposes really, but especially for work, or any state/official communication; it's your maiden name that is on your carte d'identité so that's who you are.

You really only use your married name in relation to your dc or in a family context.

I think when you marry you should then have the same name but who's is up to you. Tradition says the man's but in your circumstances I would use yours. I am going to take my husbands when we marry and our children have his name already as that was always the plan. I want to join his family and take his name as they have always been very loving and supportive of me.. more so than vice versa.

Personally not a fan of double barrelled names and would only choose a new name entirely if there was really bad blood with the families.

I don't know if it's the area I live in or the social group I mix with but everyone I know who got married has changed their name to their DH's name.

One friend has been married 4 times and changed her name each time!

Another girl had children by her fiancé and automatically gave the children his surname.

Personally I wouldn't want to change my name or I would maybe consider double barrelling it.

Even women who keep their maiden name are usually keeping their father's name, so I'm not sure how that's less patriarchal. In my case I would probably be keeping my mum's maiden name if I married (she has since married and changed her name) but both are perfectly valid options and I think it's really rude and unfair to feel superior to women who have changed their name on marriage. If you want a name that's not a man's name that's been passed onto you, make up a new surname.

Interestingly, even though the traditional butch/femme dynamic is no longer particularly common amongst lesbian couples, most married female couples share one spouse's name just like straight married couples. Don't know what the stats are like for gay men.

You don't have to take his name, there are options nowadays. You could both keep your own names, he could take your name, you could hyphenate, some people even combine their surnames to form a new name. My husband took my name but he wasn't very attached to his surname for various reasons and doesn't really care what people think. We liked the idea of sharing a family name and any future children having the same name as both of us and I was more attached to my surname. If he hadn't wanted to change his name we would both have kept our names. Paperwork is a bit of a PITA and his decision has raised a few eyebrows but it works for us. Do what is right for you and don't let anyone pressure you.

As has been said, you can do whatever works for you.

In the OP's case, where the children already have their name its obvious enough that she and they should keep her name, and then it's up to her OH whether he takes it too or retains his original or adopts a double-barrelled form.

Its actually not that an ancient tradition at all and never adopted in some European countries. But to answer your question, its based on the notion that a woman is a man's property and that is signified by them taking on the surname of whoever's property she is considered to be. Which is why I find it antiquated, offensive, and would never do it. It just seemed such a bizarre notion on getting married, and so much less hassle to remain a Less Miss Abs.

train another reason many academics don't change their names is because they are married to other academics- so both Drs. This then creates the two people called 'Dr Thetallesttower' in the house scenario which is best avoided.

"Besides, unless you're from a Scandinavian or other culture where it's common to take a mother-identified surname, your maiden name is your father's anyway, so keeping that says - what? You're still your father's property?"

Which won't be the case for the OPs daughters as they have her name not their father's = nor mine because even though married I kept my name and the dds have my name (we agreed girls myname, boys hisname). It only takes one generation to break that "fact".

I remember as a young teenager being quite blown away by learning that different cultures had different naming conventions and that taking the husband's name was not something 'natural' but socially constructed. I love my name and am so glad I kept it and gave it to the dds - especially post divorce when exH is behaving like a totally tosser

It's a personal choice.

why should the woman take the blokes surname

I hope we have established that there is no 'should' about this, and that the custom is merely... a custom.

I'm not sure if it is wise to peer into other customs and try to judge them upon your own.

(My DW retained her surname, it would have felt odd any other way)

One of my biggest regrets (I have many) is automatically taking my DH name when we got married.
I was a naive 21 year old who just changed it, never gave it a second thought.
My maiden name won't be carried on because I'm the only one out of me and my siblings ytohave children.
Even my DH has said he wished he'd taken my name and that if we had the money to change all our names (us and 3 children) we would do it.

I think I am quite unusual in that I took his name and now regret it. I love him to bits and I'm expecting our first child but with a little distance from the excitement of getting married it seems a bit silly.

I don't lose sleep over it, I just don't think I'd do the same if I had another chance.

Oh! Interesting cross post with Lovely - not unusual then!

I didn't change my name either. I've posted elsewhere about how my PIL are a bit po-faced about it. I just didn't see any point. Husband doesn't mind either. I think people should do what they want without any social or familial pressure. Change your name/Don't change your name. It's your choice.

complexnumber I'm not sure if it is wise to peer into other customs and try to judge them upon your own

Why not?

You can't assume everyone is British.

I really think this is a non issue these days. I think you need to just make whatever decision suits you and get on with it.

I got married ages ago and took my DHs name because my maiden name is a name I don't like. I do like the fact we all have the same name but I don't think it matters that much.

My only one reservation is that if the dad has a completely different name from the kids then everyone will assume he is the stepdad. Which may or May not matter but I know my DH wouldn't have liked that.

My preference if I were to go back in time would be for our new family to choose a completely new name. I would choose a fantastically cool name.

Why not? You can't assume everyone is British

I think that is exactly what I am saying, sorry if I didn't make that clear.

For those who changed their name to symbolise being one family, did you consider/talking about your husband taking your name, as well as the option of you taking his?

I'm really interested in this as I do understand the 'one name, one family' argument - though I don't feel it myself. My husband, my son and I are no less one family and feel no less one family because we all have different last names.

I used my maiden name for work but started using my married name firstly because with fertility issues we had it was easier to be Mr and Mrs X. Also because I had a phD it was ok to use Dr Tobias Funke but outside of work I didn't use Dr because it seemed too poncetastic and I really hated Ms.

In the end I wanted to have the same name as my son. I might have insisted it was my surname but as DH was the only one of his generation to have a child on his father's side of the family despite having 5 other cousins (all male, all unmarried and much older) it was important to him and his extended family that his family name was carried on. DS has my maiden name as a middlename- poor thing. Also DH's name is much more easily pronounced than mine.

My research was based on 17th century Scottish history and then women kept their maiden names which I sort of thought was cool until I thought about how their children had their husband's name and therefore the children always were connected with their fathers rather than their mothers.

I don't think you need one name to feel like a proper family. Not at all, the only reservation was that people would definitely assume my DH was not my kids father if they didn't share the same name (or part of the same name) I don't think people make the same assumption if the kids have a different name to the mother. I've lived in countries where the mothers always retain their maiden names.

Whether this actually matters or not is an interesting point. I think it would have bothered my DH though.

We got married very quickly and didn't give the matter any thought.