OK why should the woman take the blokes surname?

[aquashiv]

Ver brief history I have a name, a professional one and don't want to loose it. All our children have my name due to the fact that I am the Mother and its a name that has meaning. Himself calls himself Mr Aquashiv and we joke and laugh but and here we are is it yet sociallly acceptable to take the womans name without being made to feel as if you are emancipating the man thing. I could just marry him and shut my mouth but well why should I? The marriage convo came up again tonight and I don't know I feel so bloody weird thinking I should take his name why should I???

You do what you want, it isn't set in stone, just tradition. And traditions change.

I have built up a name for myself professionally but still changed it to DHs. As far as i see it, we are a unit and a family and our surname indicates that. The fact that it was his is down to a number if factors:

1. Due to unfortunate timing, i ended up with the name of a minor celebrity. This drove me mad!

1. My parents are separated and I've always felt more a part of my mum's family anyway, so having my dad's surname was somewhat arbitrary

1. DH's dad died when he was young and, with his mum having remarried, it was important to him to retain that link

So, we both have his name!

I have friends where he's taken hers, they've both changed to something new or she's gone half and half. I have to confess to finding the latter unnecessarily complicated!

The men who've changes have been fine. There's an occasional sarky comment but they give it straight back which usually does the trick. Says more about the other person really!

in essence, do what you want as a family. Joint decision but given dc names unlikely to come as a surprise.

People who are comfortable with a name change being no big deal and opting for the convenience or whatever of a family label, would it have been no big deal for your DHs to have used your name as the family label?

Agree it has nothing to do with losing identity - if anything I felt we were creating a new family identity and I got a lovely new surname which makes my whole name much prettier than it was before! I wouldn't have taken his name if it was a horrible one, I don't see what's wrong with the couple just choosing the nicest surname if they want to share a family name.

It's now very usual for a woman not to change names anyway and I don't think many people judge that choice. I'm a teacher and kids with parents who have the same surname are outnumbered by those whose parents have different names to each other. It doesn't cause problems either way - seems like a bit of a non issue to agonize about to me!

And my husband would have been happy to take my name if it was the nicer name. Wouldn't have bothered him in the slightest.

If we (humans) were all hatched out of eggs yesterday and given a rule book of how to behave, and women were all told to give up their name on marriage in favour of men's, we'd think it was outrageous.

But because it has centuries of tradition behind it, it's somehow seen as acceptable...

"I don't want to get married just for a name i don't want."

Then don't.

I never took DH's name on marriage, and that was a wholly unexceptional choice back then (20+) years ago. No need at all to make a big deal of it now.

Doyou actually want to marry him at all?

Are your legal underpinnings as sound as they can be without marriage?

I finally changed my surname to my DH's after 18 years. It was a spectacular non-event professionally and personally.

I kept my name for a couple of years. Then wanted to have the same name as DH, and the DC as they had his name, so used his name.

I rather like being a mrs DH name.

I don't think there is any problem whatsoever with keeping your own name if that's what you want. Or for your DH to have your name. Anything goes these days.

I kept my maiden name for work and haven't changed it on anything official (bank accounts, driving lisence etc). I have also not changed my name on Facebook. Generally people (esp DH family and friends) do address post to Mr and Mrs DH. I'm not too fussed about that. I suspect whatever you officially do, you will face people assuming you have changed it. How bothered you are about that is a matter for you.

Interstingly my cousin initially kept her maiden name but changed her name when her children were born. The family then moved to the middle east where women don't take their husband's name. The fact she has the same surname as her DH causes much confusion (most people thinks she is her DH's sister!)

I had been looking forward to getting married and changing surname from the age that I could spell - and everyone else bloody misspell - my surname.

Unfortunately, DH's surname is laughably silly!

Fortunately we live in his home country where names aren't traditionally changed upon marriage phew so I don't have to suffer the hoisted bosom and pearl-clutching of my very traditional family wirh any other explanation.

aquashiv have a good long talk with your partner and decide together what is important for your family, and stuff convention or what others think

I don't understand social convention either tbh. I have no intention of losing my name, though I will be double barrelling, as will DP. I like his surname and I like mine too. I'm looking forward to telling people to F off, but I live in a very liberal kind of area so I don't think it'll happen often

I know several couples where he took her name or both kept their own. It's personal choice, really.

I took dhs name but cause he would of taken my name. He would do anything I ask him to do, he was so eager to marry me he would of probably changed it to any word, but I hate my old name so glad to get rid of it. Neither of us care about anyones family name to be fair.

I don't understand it at all. I didn't. I also really dislike "Mrs"

I think the fact that people can say, "It's up to you" is one of feminism's victories.

You can marry without changing your name if you want to be married.

Personally I regret taking DH's name in some ways. I just don't like the idea of it. However, in other ways its easier as otherwise I don't know what title I would have used, not too keen on Ms. And what would we have called the children. All a bit tricky.

As for giving up your identity -Are you really suggesting your identity is dictated by your surname? You need to get out more if that's the case. It's just a name to me.

The only reason I regret it is I did it without thinking and my own opinion is it's a bit, well, old fashioned I suppose.

I suspect our daughters won't change their name if they marry.

I changed mine, preferred dh's. yabu I am strongly feminist, its just a name dh wouldn't have cared either way.

Having thought about it I think it would be better if we got rid of this Miss/Mrs and all women were called one title and kept their name after marriage. I think the Mrs title made it difficult for to not change my surname otherwise I would feel I was married to me dad. I am not sure why women have to be differentiated by their marital status but not men. Very odd when you think about it.

I guess I am really asking why do so many women say ok then lets give up my identity

I don't know about you, OP, my identity isn't my name.

My grandad took my grandma's name in 1935. It was nicer than his and less forrin and with problems in Europe they thought it would be sensible.

I took my husband's name because I wanted to and changed jobs as I got married; had I not I probably would have kept mine professionally.

My parents were serial divorcers before it was common place (I'm 53) and I hated having a different name from my mum and everyone knowing immediately I was from a "broken home". There was a stigma back then. For that reason I have always liked the fact that my our family unit all have the same name. My SIL's haven't taken their partner's names because they have an affinity with their own (it's Anglo saxon and unusual) - I never had that deep feeling about my name.

You are over thinking it. Do whatever you want. I took my husbands,but that was because I wanted to- my choice. We are all different.