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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family dispute - who is BU?

217 replies

Plateofcrumbs · 03/02/2014 19:22

This could be a long one. I'll try to make it as brief as possible but sorry if I miss any important details in process.

My brother and SIL have been married about 8 years and have a 1 year old. SIL has a physical disability which impacts her mobility, but she is very independent.

When they met, my brother was living with my mum. He was probably a bit of a mummy's boy. SIL-to-be lived a long way away (they met online).

My mum has always been a very practical kind of person who calls a spade a spade. When DB and SIL first got together my mum expressed to me she was worried that my brother was taking on a lot - travelling across country to see SIL every weekend and him supporting her with her disability.

Apparantly she voiced similar concerns to my brother, who repeated them to SIL and they struck a nerve.

Fast forward 8 years and it seems resentment about these comments has been steadily building. Over time mum has been given an increasingly cold shoulder by SIL. She has been given repeated excuses over years to not visit them, or SIL is away/working when mum has visited (they live at other end of country so visits are not regular).

My brother confided in me last year that SIL did not want to see my mum at all. I told him he needed to resolve this and could not keep giving excuses to my mum, especially now they had a son my mum was desperate to meet.

He has now told my mum SIL wants nothing to do with her as 'it is clear you do not like her' (no further explanation provided). My mum is heartbroken and thinks she will never she her grandson again.

Clearly there's a lot of second hand info here but who is BU? Can this be resolved?

OP posts:
Ifcatshadthumbs · 03/02/2014 19:25

People who say they call a spade a spade generally mean they say what they want without regard for other people's feelings.

I can understand your SIL feelings your mum is the one who should try to build bridges

CailinDana · 03/02/2014 19:26

Does your mum like your SIL?

WhoNickedMyName · 03/02/2014 19:27

"Calls a spade a spade" is usually code for "gives their unwanted opinion and can be rude and obnoxious whilst doing so".

SapphireMoon · 03/02/2014 19:27

Does your Mum still feel the way she did when she first met your SIL?
Whether she does or not she needs to apologise and make amends and perhaps learn that if you 'call a spade a spade' you may hurt feelings.
Maybe she will learn from this...

parakeet · 03/02/2014 19:28

I think you should back out.

formerbabe · 03/02/2014 19:28

I think your mum needs to extend the olive branch. I can see why your sil feels the way she does.

nilbyname · 03/02/2014 19:29

Hmm, your mum ought to give a full and heartfelt apology to her dil for behaving so badly.

Joysmum · 03/02/2014 19:29

I don't see how your mum can build bridges as she's the only one who doesn't know what the issue is! Confused

MrCabDriver · 03/02/2014 19:29

I think it depends on how your mum treats her now.

I'd forget about comments made 8 years ago, IF I think the person now thought differently.

How does your mum act with her now?

Pimpf · 03/02/2014 19:30

Good for your sil. Your mum may have been concerned but she should have butted out. It is up to her to make it up to your sil and I would butt out if I were you.

Ad good for your brother too

DameFanny · 03/02/2014 19:30

Ok, so I'm seeing a number of things about your brother that would be red flags for me - your mother calls a spade a spade - often shorthand for someone who's rude and thinks their opinion trumps manners. And you've said that your brother is a mummy's boy - not fun for your sil, if that means your brother lets your mother too far into their relationship.

And what's that about your brother "supporting" your sil? I assume that she's capable of looking after herself as you describe her as being independent.

As to whether anyone is BU - what do you think? Honestly?

SapphireMoon · 03/02/2014 19:31

If your Mum is thick skinned you may need to tell her what the issue is to aid her with her fence mending...

AngryGnome · 03/02/2014 19:31

I agree with cats - I think your mum has hot a lot of work to do to repair her relationship with her DIL. Have your SIL and mum ever spoken about these comments your DM made?

lovelyredwine · 03/02/2014 19:32

I understand your mum will have been worried about your brother, but she needs to think about how she would feel if you were disabled and your mil said those things about you. Your mum should probably apologise to your sil and they need to have an open, honest conversation so they can move on.

Caitlin17 · 03/02/2014 19:32

Yes agree it's not for you to peace make. Assuming one can take what you've told us at face value your mother has a fair number of bridges to build whilst on a diet of humble pie.

DameDeepRedBetty · 03/02/2014 19:32

Your mum could try writing to SIL, and honestly apologising for voicing her doubt that the relationship would be a success eight years ago. Maybe say that she's very pleased to have been proved wrong, something like that?

SuperScrimper · 03/02/2014 19:34

Echo all the above 'calling a shade a spade' is just code for bloody rude most of the time.

AngryGnome · 03/02/2014 19:35

And to answer your question, your mum is being unreasonable. This isn't something that you or your db can fix - your mum has to approach your SIL with a heartfelt apology for her hurtful words.

I'm guessing if this was 8 years ago your mum has not done much to change your SIL's opinion of her in that time? Maybe now there is a grandchild this is a good time to start building bridges.

Hissy · 03/02/2014 19:36

In short, your brother is a fucking idiot.

He should have said nothing about it to his dw and actually should have told dm that her comments, though possibly well meant, were inappropriate and unwelcome.

If your dm hasn't got the grace and manners to grovel apologise profusely to her dil then she will lose her ds, her dgs and her dil.

Making such bloody awful comments has consequences. About time your dm learned a few things about how not to alienate people.

SuperScrimper · 03/02/2014 19:37

Oops spade a spade

TheBigJessie · 03/02/2014 19:39

Your mother was foolish enough to tell her son that she thought a long-distance relationship and a disabled girlfriend were too much for him?

She doesn't just call a spade a spade, does she? She sticks her oar in! A bigoted oar, at that!

You are obviously trying to be neutral here, but your post is still pretty damning.

I'm therefore inclined to think that the version of your brother and SIL is going to be even worse. I suspect that your mother's opinions on disabled women having relationships with her son lost nothing in the retelling to SIL

Original poster
Plateofcrumbs · 03/02/2014 19:39

Does your Mum still feel the way she did when she first met your SIL?

Initially mum and SIL got on well. SIL lived in my mum's house with my brother for some months and mum told me they used to sit around chatting happily. It was only some time later than SIL became distant.

It is hard to say that mum likes SIL now as she (and I) have spent years being perplexed at why she seemed so cold and distant. But she recognises she and my brother a happy and she is a great mum to GS.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 03/02/2014 19:39

You mum needs to take a long hard look at herself as she is happy to say it as it is, but when sil had let her know how it is she herself is upset

Your mum eating some large portions of humble pie and thinking long and hard about her discrimination of someone would be a start

AdoraBell · 03/02/2014 19:40

My MIL also calls a spade a spade, one of the reasons I have no reason to speak to her, and one of my reasons for not returning to the UK.

Your mum needs to apologize sincerely and work to build a relationship with her DIL. And conversations need to be with BD present so there is no twisting or misinterpretation of what each party has said.

And you need to not get involved past suggesting to your mum that she has a lot of work to do in building a bridge to DB's family with a view to then building a relationship.

justmyview · 03/02/2014 19:40

I previously worked with someone who prided herself on "calling a spade a spade." She made my life very difficult. She prided herself on straight talking. I found her tactless. Most people come round with time. Has your mother changed her opinion of SIL? It's a pity your DB shared your DM's comments with SIL. Hope you can get this sorted, but I think there will be some work involved in building bridges