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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family dispute - who is BU?

217 replies

Plateofcrumbs · 03/02/2014 19:22

This could be a long one. I'll try to make it as brief as possible but sorry if I miss any important details in process.

My brother and SIL have been married about 8 years and have a 1 year old. SIL has a physical disability which impacts her mobility, but she is very independent.

When they met, my brother was living with my mum. He was probably a bit of a mummy's boy. SIL-to-be lived a long way away (they met online).

My mum has always been a very practical kind of person who calls a spade a spade. When DB and SIL first got together my mum expressed to me she was worried that my brother was taking on a lot - travelling across country to see SIL every weekend and him supporting her with her disability.

Apparantly she voiced similar concerns to my brother, who repeated them to SIL and they struck a nerve.

Fast forward 8 years and it seems resentment about these comments has been steadily building. Over time mum has been given an increasingly cold shoulder by SIL. She has been given repeated excuses over years to not visit them, or SIL is away/working when mum has visited (they live at other end of country so visits are not regular).

My brother confided in me last year that SIL did not want to see my mum at all. I told him he needed to resolve this and could not keep giving excuses to my mum, especially now they had a son my mum was desperate to meet.

He has now told my mum SIL wants nothing to do with her as 'it is clear you do not like her' (no further explanation provided). My mum is heartbroken and thinks she will never she her grandson again.

Clearly there's a lot of second hand info here but who is BU? Can this be resolved?

OP posts:
Original poster
Plateofcrumbs · 03/02/2014 19:46

I think "calls a spade a spade" gives the wrong impression - more prone to 'foot in mouth' syndrome, but never deliberately rude, in fact she is probably the kind of person to be overly obsessed with accidentally causing offence.

She doesn't understand what she has done wrong as this has not been explained to her, so she has nothing to connect a question to her son 8 years ago to being cut out now.

OP posts:
SeaSickSal · 03/02/2014 19:55

I would think it would be hugely hurtful to have your disability brought up as a reason for someone not to have a relationship with you and think of you as a burden to be 'taken on'.

Secondly I doubt that is the reason they have fallen out. If she lived with them and got on fine subsequent to the comment it would not really be to do with that, I think to blame it on one comment years ago is silly and that there must have been a build up off stuff over the years.

You seem to be mainly hearing your mother's side of this. I think your SILs may well be very different and there are probably lots of other incidents which have brought this to a head.

I agree with the other posters who say that your mother is probably the one who needs to build bridges and learn not to call a spade a spade when calling it a shovel would be kinder.

Original poster
Plateofcrumbs · 03/02/2014 19:57

It's a pity your DB shared your DM's comments with SIL.

Yeah this really. I'm utterly infuriated with my brother. Firstly what right minded person tells their girlfriend hurtful things their mother has said?

And what kind of idiot lets a situation like this drag on for eight whole freaking years without ever doing anything to bring it to a resolution?

OP posts:
WhoNickedMyName · 03/02/2014 19:59

What right minded mother tells her son hurtful things about the woman he loves.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 03/02/2014 20:00

Perhaps you should tell your mum.

she then has the choice whether or not to apologise for her initial comments and attitude.

your brother is a piece of work though. Why did he choose to share that? He must have knownnit would hurt. Why would he do that?

I wonder if he has been using it as a stick to beat her with in, eg, arguments, and this is why she has become increasingly angry.

invicta · 03/02/2014 20:03

If your mum is not aware of what is causing the conflict, then she needs to be told. Then she can apologise for her earlier comments, as they have obviously been proved wrong. Maybe she was slightly jealous of your brother having someone else to care for him, other than her. Once everything is in the open, then you can all move on.

Original poster
Plateofcrumbs · 03/02/2014 20:05

I wonder if he has been using it as a stick to beat her with in, eg, arguments, and this is why she has become increasingly angry.

I can't imagine that (either DB saying it or SIL putting up with it).

OP posts:
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 03/02/2014 20:09

I actually think your brother has the most to answer for here. He is the one with the responsibility to make sure his mum does not become MIL-from-hell AND to ensure his DW doesn't go over the top.

Original poster
Plateofcrumbs · 03/02/2014 20:14

BTW I utterly understand how SIL must have felt hearing these comments initially. I honestly believe my mum was well-meaning if misguided, but that would not stop it being extremely, devastatingly hurtful.

But of course I am sympathetic towards my mum - she's my mum and I've had her sobbing down the phone to me utterly confused and distraught.

What I don't get is leaving it smouldering for so long. If someone had said, years ago, how hurt SIL was my mum could have apologised. I'm cross she has not been given the opportunity to, and I feel in a difficult situation as I feel I know more than mum has been told.

OP posts:
justmyview · 03/02/2014 20:16

Could she apologise now? And acknowledge that she's delighted to be proved wrong? And make this more about making peace with DB and SIL, rather than pacifying them in order to have contact with grandchild?

mynewpassion · 03/02/2014 20:26

Come on...do you seriously think it's just this one comment? I am sure your mother has put her feet in her mouth a few times in front of SIL and she is tired of it. Your brother tried to smooth it with your SIL but she's not believing it and not willing to take it anymore either.

TheBigJessie · 03/02/2014 20:27

My mother has said a lot of unpleasant things about my husband. I think I objected at the time to most of them, but I also let my husband know. To keep silent would have meant keeping secrets from him, and felt like conspiring with her and condoning her actions. It's not a point of view everyone shares, but my husband feels the same way, so it works for us. Maybe it's the same for the brother and SIL?

If my mother (and FIL) don't like being dropped in it, then they only have to stop slagging their child's spouse off to their child!

justmyview · 03/02/2014 20:32

My DM made a negative comment about a previous boyfriend of mine, many years ago. I told her what I thought of it, explained to my Dad what I thought of it, but never considered sharing it with the boyfriend. He would have been so hurt.

DontmindifIdo · 03/02/2014 20:35

I find it odd that you lay the blame at your DB for passing on your DM's hurtful comments, not blaming your mum for having made them.

realistically, your mum needs to appologise, it's not good enough to say "well, it's all my son's fault for repeating what I said, not my fault for saying it in the first place."

Unfortunately, it's often the case that many of the older generation who are used to being the one who's opinion is the most important (particularly with "mummys boys" DC), find it hard to get used to the idea that their DCs have grown up and don't need them to be part of their lives.

Worried3 · 03/02/2014 20:38

Actually, I think the problem is that your brother told your SIL about the concerns your DM had re him taking on to much. He really should have kept that one to himself and unless your mum has said other similar things directly to your SIL, then I don't think she's done anything all that horrendous. A bit tactless, but in the grand scheme of things, I wouldn't see it as a cause to exclude DM from your DB and his son's life for good.

I don't see why expressing her concerns to her son was such a bad thing- it was up to him to tell her to butt out if he felt it was interfering/rude. It was very unhelpful of your DB to pass this on to his wife.

Obviously, if your DM has said anything like this directly to your SIL, then she has a lot of apologising to do. I do wonder if more has been said/done- as it seems very extreme to stop all contact and not allow your DM to see her GS on the basis of 1 comment made 8 years ago. If it really is as simple as that, then I'd say your DM was BU to interfere and that your SIL is BU to stop contact over 1 comment.

On the face of it, a simple "I sorry, I didn't mean to offend you, I was simply concerned for my son. I realise it was none of my business and I was wrong in my assumptions" and then leave it at that. I don't think she needs to make a massive grovelling apology, unless there is more to this story.

DameFanny · 03/02/2014 20:49

Does your mother sob on the phone to your brother too?

TheBigJessie · 03/02/2014 21:03

By the way, (as far as I can tell) my FIL's current partner split up with him for over six months because he expected her to tell her adult son that he shouldn't marry his fiancée, and FIL threw a snit-fit when she refused.

Some people know how to preserve their relationships with their children.

DoJo · 03/02/2014 21:05

What I don't get is leaving it smouldering for so long. If someone had said, years ago, how hurt SIL was my mum could have apologised. I'm cross she has not been given the opportunity to, and I feel in a difficult situation as I feel I know more than mum has been told.

But equally, couldn't your mum have just bloody asked? She is also guilty of letting it drag on this long, knowing that something is driving a wedge between her and her son's family, yet she's sobbing on the phone to you instead of asking him. Why?

Cravey · 03/02/2014 21:08

If someone had expressed views like that towards me then I too would be cold and distant. I think you need to butt out to put it bluntly. And maybe have a chat with your mother about how she words things. Your sil is doing what most of us would and protecting herself.

diddl · 03/02/2014 21:12

So your mum only cares now that there's a child in the picture?

SelectAUserName · 03/02/2014 21:13

Are you absolutely certain this all stems from those comments made at the start of the relationship? Could there be something someone isn't telling you? If your DM said those things and your DB passed them on while it was still a LDR but subsequent to that SIL moved in with her and was fine / chatty, then unless SIL is being VU, something else must have happened since then.

How do you get on with your SIL? Has she ever said anything to you herself?

coppertop · 03/02/2014 21:20

This rift has been caused by your mum's horrible comments, yet you seem to think that she is the victim in all this? Confused

So now that your mum knows the reason why SIL is so distant, what is she planning to do to make amends? Or is her 'action' limited to feeling sorry for herself?

ViviPru · 03/02/2014 21:22

OP I'm in a very similar situation to you, I really know what a tough position you're in. The only advice I have is to disengage from the both of them over this issue. I know the temptation as a decent human being is to try and do everything in your power to remedy the situation but honestly, that way madness lies. Massive chin up to you, pal. Friggin brothers, eh? Sad

Original poster
Plateofcrumbs · 03/02/2014 21:24

But equally, couldn't your mum have just bloody asked?

The thing is it's really not been at all obvious that SIL had a specific problem with my mum. SIL blows hot and cold with other people, excuses have been made about SILs absences etc. Our family does not see a lot of each other so it doesn't add up to so many occasions where mum and SIL have met since they moved away from my mum. My mum has often said she has felt SIL is very distant but I had convinced mum she was just being paranoid (obviously I knew no better at the time).

OP posts:
bialystockandbloom · 03/02/2014 21:25

There must be more to it than this.

I don't really have much sympathy with your mum, sorry. She sounds extremely self-centred. Would you say she is rather possessive? Re the 'mummy's boy' comments.

Your db's comment "it is clear you don't like her" must have some basis for it. And you say this has been building for a long while, and he spoke to you about it last year. Didn't he give you any reasons then?

Other than the clearly bigotted attitude, obviously. If she felt like this about your sil, and even said so to your db, her attitude must've been pretty obvious to your sil herself, especially if she 'calls a spade a spade'

more prone to 'foot in mouth' syndrome, but never deliberately rude, in fact she is probably the kind of person to be overly obsessed with accidentally causing offence.

It's amazing that often, when people are extremely rude and insensitive to others, they are so quick to cry poor me when their actions have consequences. She's realised that the consequences of her actions may mean she can't see her grandson when she likes but can't accept that her behaviour towards the mother of that grandson is anything to do with it Hmm