Family dispute - who is BU?

[Plateofcrumbs]

This could be a long one. I'll try to make it as brief as possible but sorry if I miss any important details in process.

My brother and SIL have been married about 8 years and have a 1 year old. SIL has a physical disability which impacts her mobility, but she is very independent.

When they met, my brother was living with my mum. He was probably a bit of a mummy's boy. SIL-to-be lived a long way away (they met online).

My mum has always been a very practical kind of person who calls a spade a spade. When DB and SIL first got together my mum expressed to me she was worried that my brother was taking on a lot - travelling across country to see SIL every weekend and him supporting her with her disability.

Apparantly she voiced similar concerns to my brother, who repeated them to SIL and they struck a nerve.

Fast forward 8 years and it seems resentment about these comments has been steadily building. Over time mum has been given an increasingly cold shoulder by SIL. She has been given repeated excuses over years to not visit them, or SIL is away/working when mum has visited (they live at other end of country so visits are not regular).

My brother confided in me last year that SIL did not want to see my mum at all. I told him he needed to resolve this and could not keep giving excuses to my mum, especially now they had a son my mum was desperate to meet.

He has now told my mum SIL wants nothing to do with her as 'it is clear you do not like her' (no further explanation provided). My mum is heartbroken and thinks she will never she her grandson again.

Clearly there's a lot of second hand info here but who is BU? Can this be resolved?

I'm not sure why people think that the brother is at fault tbh.

Doesn't dial deserve to know how her mil feels about her?

Especially if mil is nice to her face iyswim!

Are you absolutely certain this all stems from those comments made at the start of the relationship? Could there be something someone isn't telling you? If your DM said those things and your DB passed them on while it was still a LDR but subsequent to that SIL moved in with her and was fine / chatty, then unless SIL is being VU, something else must have happened since then

I don't know the exact chronology of events. Eg it's possible these were things mum said to DB at start but were only relayed to SIL after they moved out of mum's house. But I am as baffled as anyone as to exactly when and why the relationship deteriorated so badly. When I quizzed my brother about it he suggested it was comments made early on, that's all I know.

If my MIL had made comments to DH about my disability no matter how long ago, I think I would be cold and distant as well. DH wouldn't actually tell me but as your brother did tell her, she has every right to be distant with your mum. You are clearly on your mums side about it, talking about how hurt she is and how upset at not seeing her DGS, well think how your Sil feels knowing her MIL thinks that her DP shouldn't be with her because of her disability! Its a pretty disgusting thing to think, let alone voice.

but diddl- assuming this comment made 8 years ago was indeed the cause of this whole situation (which seems a bit unrealistic to me)- what the OPs DM said was she was concerned he had taken on too much with the long distance relationship and her DIL-to-be's disability. Hardly the crime of century, IMO.

Clearly, their relationship was none of the mothers business, and she would have been better keeping her thoughts to herself- but if it was really only this comment, then I think the OPs DB would have been better to tell his mum that however well intentioned, her opinion was unwelcome and unreasonable and then have kept it to himself unless she continued to express such opinions to him/was rude to DIL in person. And if this really is the only thing she has said/done then it has all got a bit out of hand. OPs DB should have brought it up earlier, and then it could have been sorted out (or otherwise).

My DB has severe mental health issues (personality disorder) I would not be surprised or offended if his wifes parents had had their reservations about their relationship. I find him difficult at the best of times, and due to his behaviour have little if any contact with him. I would have concerns about my daughter getting into a relationship with someone with similar problems- it is a lot to take on. I might, out of concern, discuss this with her if I thought she was getting in over her head- but would be prepared to be told to butt out.

Although I understand that a disability doesn't make you "a burden", and shouldn't really make any difference, in some cases it can. My point here is that it may be that the OPs DM was expressing her concerns about her sons long-distance relationship with the addition of this ladies disability, without intending to deride her DILs disability?

I can almost understand both sides, in the sense that as a mother you are constantly wary of what your child may be getting themselves into. I suppose you aren't (DM) to know that this person (ie. SiL) you assume to be dragging them into a difficult situation, will be married to them and they'll have a baby. I don't know what your mum said or how offensive it was, but having a disability and mobility problems myself, I can tell you that if my own DH's mother had really insulted me and problems that I have through no fault of my own..... I just can't even. I mean I actually feel some kind of rage just thinking about it! I think that all that aside, we have to move forward from the original problem and ultimately SiL has the better deal, therefore she doesn't need to make a move AT ALL. A) your mum started the unreasonable behaviour, and B) SiL holds the cards(DB & baby), your mum MUST hold out the olive branch as she is the one who has something to lose

I think if I was your mum I would be writing a letter to dil and asking what she has done to cause offence to dil as she would really like to build some bridges.

It's coming across as if your mother is only interested now there's a grandchild.

My mother in law didn't like me and I didn't like her. Active dislike has tempered to indifference. remain politely distant. I've never ever suggested she couldn't see her grandson or stopped her from seeing him. We live about an hours drive away and it suited her for my husband and son to visit her rather than her to visit us.She was separated from fil and doesn't drive. I never saw any reason for me to go. I think I've been in her house no more than half a dozen times in over 24 years. For at least half that time she worked abroad. I know when she was home on leave it was her boys she wanted to see, not me.

Although I understand that disability doesn't make you a burden, and shouldn't really make any difference, in some cases it can.
Wow, I can't walk without crutches, am I one of those cases that are a burden then? Is the op one of those cases too? Speechless

Actually, I can see it from your Mum's point of view. Not terrible for a mother to worry that her child is embarking on a relationship that might be extremely difficult in the future. We all want our children to be happy.
Doesn't mean she is bigoted. I doubt this is the only problem in their relationship.
Not helpful for your DB to repeat though. Sounds Like SIL can't stand Your mum if she absents herself when your mum visits. DB is responsible for mediating. Perhaps some give and take all round?

Rudolph- I did not say having a disability makes you a burden. I categorically stated it doesn't, if you read my post.

I am saying, in certain circumstances (such as my brothers) his mental health does have an negative impact on others and I would have concerns about having a relationship with someone with the same problems as I know first hand the difficulties involved. I would be concerned if my daughter were to get into a relationship with someone with similar issues, as I would be concerned as to whether she knew what was getting into. And I would probably voice those opinions- although I would hope to do so in a tactful and constructive way.

Not being able to walk without crutches is hardly the same thing. I am sure it presents you with difficulties, but I do not think, and did not suggest that you (or those who are a disability) are a burden to all those around you and therefore should be avoided at all costs.

Could it be as simple as your sister just doesn't like your mother? It started badly and there's been no reason since for either of them to change it.You know we all meet people we simply don't take to.

We choose our partners, not the baggage they come with. I like my brother's wife but I'm indifferent to my husband's family. I rarely see them and have no interest in building a relationship with them.

Not terrible for a mother to worry that her child is embarking on a relationship that might be extremely difficult in the future. We all want our children to be happy.

Well this is I'm sure what the concern was. He was a young lad in his early 20s, never lived away from his mum who was suddenly involved in a serious relationship with someone who mum feared could be extremely dependent on him (a misplaced fear as it turns out). Checking he was mature enough to deal with that seems reasonable to me. I think a tactful person could have had that conversation. Clearly it didn't work out like that, and even if handled with the greatest diplomacy it would still have had the potential to be very hurtful.

Caitlin - simply not liking your MIL would be a poor reason to cut them out of your family's life though?

I'm sure there's more to it than that and there is an underlying reason for the hurt caused.

Mum is planning to write a letter to SIL but is not sure what she should say (given she doesn't know the background).

Do you know if sil will stop your mother seeing her grandchild? I didn't and don't cut my mother in law out of my son's life. I chose not to visit her with them as I have no interest in seeing her.

I think you and your mothers attitude to your SIL is pretty poor tbh. You both seem to be coming from the standpoint that she is a 'problem' and any issue in the relationship is her fault.

You only seem to be bothered that your mother is upset and don't seem to be giving a thought to the fact that it's also very possibly that your SIL has also been extremely upset over a long period of time.

Cutting off contact won't be the result of one comment years ago. The 'clearly don't like her' comment sounds like she has been very nasty to your SIL for some time.

I really don't think you and your mother ganging up to force her to back down is going to do any good at all. Your mother needs to find out exactly what she has done wrong. Although I think that's already been made quite clear, she is unpleasant to your SIL and makes it quite clear that she doesn't like her.

Then she needs to apologise and promise to amend her behaviour in future. Perhaps she needs to think about initially seeing the grandchild away from the home and the SIL for short visits initially.

I really think she has to be the one to make the effort here. From where I'm standing it doesn't look like the SIL has done anything wrong, she's just had enough of spending time with someone who is not nice to her.

You say your mother suffers foot in mouth syndrome so does my mother. Sometimes it's silly thoughtless comments especially after questioning the relationship in the first place comments like:

You keep this looking nice considering. Or to your db in front of sil your dw is lucky you do so much. After enough of this type of 'compliment' I keep a low profile for a bit

Someone in their early 20s is not a young lad. They are an adult.

There's definitely more to it. Could be she's made comments about how she's a good mother "in spite of being disabled" or other such comments that just make her upset... or she could just be a bad MIL and you don't realise how/why (my SIL's undoubtedly think my MIL wasn't in the wrong for her treatment).

The thing that struck me most about your OP is how you said your mum is upset she won't see her grandson. Not upset about about SIL being upset, but about how she won't see her grandson...

I understand your mum is upset because she doesn't understand what's happened, but I don't think a letter is the way to go. I think a face-to-face (not just dropping by, rationally saying she would like to talk about it and when would be best) and she needs to not rant and rave and actually listen.

I think SIL and DB are the ones in the wrong though. SIL for never telling MIL (if that's the truth) that she was being a PITA. DB for telling SIL what DM/MIL said. He should have been trying to foster the relationship, not make it worse. DM/MIL wasn't wrong for feeling how she felt or feeling concerned about her son and DB could have shut DM/MIL down and that would have been the end of it.

Doesn't sound hopeful does it?

After years of very intermittent we didn't see them often poor behaviour from my MIL which descended to outright favouritism (lining my dcs up to watch their cousins open random (ie not birthday Christmas etc) gifts MIL had given cousins is just one example)
I stood up for my kids once and she laid into me in public , name calling the lot.

I have no intention of ever seeing her again, fortunately we never speak and will do nothing more than do up a car seat if my husband wants to take them to see her.

Frankly he cba so she has not seen or spoken to any of my kids for over 2 years
Yeah

Doesn't sound like there is any real reason from SIl pov to pretend it never happened what is often pointed out on here is that as an adult you really don't have to put up with people abusing you.

Can MIL have a chat and stay in a local travelodge to see gs?

The only thing to do is for your mum to write to her. Explain her side, ask for forgiveness, draw a line and move on.

I couldn't condone disablist comments in any way but none of us know what she said nor how this was represented to sil. It may have been a simple "are you sure?" Represented as "I love you so much I'm even going to go against my mummy to be with you" who knows? But if it was genuinely one comment 8 years ago before they met its wrong that its festered on esp if she has actually shared a house. Presumably that only happened because your mum wanted to encourage the relationship.

Maybe now she's got a child dil has decided life is too short to see people she doesn't like/who don't like her?

So OP, what does your brother intend to do about his relationship with his mum?

If that's still OK, surely your mum will see her GC, just maybe not as often as she would like if it's always dependant on him visiting?

Does your DB take the GC to visit his mum - and if not why not?

As others have said, it is not essential for your DM to have a relationship with her DIL, obviously it would be nice if they could at least be civil to each other, but perhaps it is too late for that now.

Can you focus on the relationship between GC and GM?

I do appreciate that my mum could have said some really stupid poorly handled things which could have been very hurtful to SIL.

In my gut I can't help being sympathetic to my mum, partly from loyalty and partly because SIL has not been the easiest person to get along with. Wracking my brain about things that have happened over years I swear there was a time when SIL didn't want to see my dad either (my mum and dad are long divorced and very different personalities). SIL has sometimes seemed very cold to me too and I have also been paranoid that I am a persona non grata.

I don't know if a lot of this stems from being such different families. My family is small, not close, we don't see much of each other but we never have fallings out - we just love each other from a bit of a distance. Pretty reserved I guess you'd say. SILs family seems more of a big close knit group, very open but perhaps a bit fiery and prone to arguing. I think perhaps SIL has never felt embraced to the family as we don't behave like a family as she'd expect it?

There must be more to this than you know of. Your sister-in-law probably doesn't feel a part of the family.