Family dispute - who is BU?

[Plateofcrumbs]

This could be a long one. I'll try to make it as brief as possible but sorry if I miss any important details in process.

My brother and SIL have been married about 8 years and have a 1 year old. SIL has a physical disability which impacts her mobility, but she is very independent.

When they met, my brother was living with my mum. He was probably a bit of a mummy's boy. SIL-to-be lived a long way away (they met online).

My mum has always been a very practical kind of person who calls a spade a spade. When DB and SIL first got together my mum expressed to me she was worried that my brother was taking on a lot - travelling across country to see SIL every weekend and him supporting her with her disability.

Apparantly she voiced similar concerns to my brother, who repeated them to SIL and they struck a nerve.

Fast forward 8 years and it seems resentment about these comments has been steadily building. Over time mum has been given an increasingly cold shoulder by SIL. She has been given repeated excuses over years to not visit them, or SIL is away/working when mum has visited (they live at other end of country so visits are not regular).

My brother confided in me last year that SIL did not want to see my mum at all. I told him he needed to resolve this and could not keep giving excuses to my mum, especially now they had a son my mum was desperate to meet.

He has now told my mum SIL wants nothing to do with her as 'it is clear you do not like her' (no further explanation provided). My mum is heartbroken and thinks she will never she her grandson again.

Clearly there's a lot of second hand info here but who is BU? Can this be resolved?

MN is a strange place, If a man sides with his DM over his DP he is wrong yet when he sides With his DP over his DM he is still wrong.

OP, I like others believe that more than what you know has been said, I will go one further and it may be that your DB and SiL believe your DM to be a Toxic MiL.

No your brother is being immature and sticking his head in the sand. Rather than put on his big boy pants and have a proper discussion with his wife and then his mother he has ignored it and hoped it would all go away while dragging you into it by asking you to lie by omission to your mum.
Fwiw I think you probably did do the right thing going I had a not similar but not all that different situation when I was thinking about this and realised I had gone as well but I had said I wouldn't keep the secret.

I think there is mor to this and I would not be surprised if it stemmed from the pregnancy/birth of dgc.

Either old wounds festering or possibly a MIL saying something along the lines of not passing the disability to a child.

"I don't think it is fair that DB has done little more than acknowledge receipt of the letter - "

Why?

What do you think he owes her?

She wasn't invited to the Christening, he has told her that his wife wants nothing to do with her, he puts her off when she wants to visit & I'm thinking doesn't visit her...

Should he just outright tell her that he doesn't want to see her, as that seems to be the way he wants things?

You all sound completely spineless, you for sneaking around about the christening, your brother for not telling your DM what the problem is and your DM for not just telephoning them years ago when it was apparent there might be an issue.

I suggest someone picks up the phone and actually lays their cards on the table in an attempt to clear the air.

Except DB is actually being pretty obvious-he doesn't want a relationship with his mother any more. He just hasn't said those words. It's torture not to know why, but it is clear what his position is, isn't it?

I think Sassh has it. Chances are your Mum has said something about the disability being passed on to the grandchild, or something about SiL's ability to cope with a small baby.

This is a guess, speaking from personal experience of PiL who also "Called a spade a spade" and were happy to share their "concerns" with all my neighbours.

And yes, unsurprisingly our relationship is somewhat rocky.

"Except DB is actually being pretty obvious-"

Well I think so!

Isn't often said on here that tyhere's no need to make a big NC announcement, just withdraw?

Perhaps if that is what he wants & his mum won't "take the hint" ( if that's the case), then he will have to just say it outright?

I think that it is also worth pointing out (again) that the OP's DM didn't seem overly bothered until the DGS was born.

Hrm, I suspect there is more to it.

MILs can be absolutely disgusting and the rest of the family not know about it at all, my DM is toxic and while everyone else was blissfully unaware, she was like a demon on our backs, trying to cause us pain, turmoil and upset in every way she could think of.

Well I spoke to DB just now who claims that mum is welcome to visit them but never actually comes, therefore he sees that as evidence that she doesn't really care that much. He thought the whole Christening thing was no big deal. But I could tell from the way he was talking that he was being very defensive (ie I don't think for one minute that's the whole truth of the matter).

I have emailed mum and told her that yes there was a Christening and yes I was there and I'd been told that she couldn't make it. And that I thought it better not to mention it as I wasn't sure what was going on between her and DB at the time. Which is a slightly edited version of the truth (leaving out the bit about knowing at the time that mum wasn't welcome).

At the time of the Christening the consensus amongst people I spoke to about what I should do was that it wasn't fair to make my attendance conditional on either Mum being invited or DB telling Mum why she wasn't invited, given that either position put DSil under pressure which wasn't fair particularly on a new mum.

People who go no contact are told that when toxic parents send letters etc to them to just bin and ignore as what the parent want is a response, any response. It opens the door and lets them back in.

I am not saying your mother is toxic however your DB and his wife have clearly decided they do not want contact with her. To respond to her letter is reopening that contact.

They are doing what is right by them to have the contact they want with your mother.

Whether she or they are in the wrong/unfair only they know.

Plate

Why did you lie to your DM?

All you have done by saying that (and particularly that)is cause more issues.

Which bit boney - the bit about being told mum couldn't make it is true and was reiterated by DB today. However what he means by that is he knew mum was unavailable that particular weekend, not that she was invited and said no.

magoria on the letter thing DM was asked to write a letter. So it seems very U to ignore it unless it was horrible.

I have on going issues with my mil that are similar.

She known in the family to 'speak as she finds' or 'put her foot in it'

You won't see it as you will be so attuned to it.

I also sit chatting with her when she comes - but in reality I don't like her.

I still simmer at some of the stunts or things that she said. So e extremely painfull to me.

If I could go no contact I would - hopefully when we move, I will.

She can be absolutely wicked and then angelic.

Dp recognises her shit but the fact that she is his mum, over looks it.

Mil classic when introducing us to relatives ..." Fizzys dp, this is Mike, you remember Mike don't you? The one that had a nervous break down. "

Q mil looking surprised, shocked, hurt at being told it was distasteful.

Stay out of it. Your enabling her behaviour .

plate the letter will be seen to be loaded with manipulation.

So the comments were made at the start of the relationship but she didn't know about them until after they moved out of your mum's house? Surely by then they had forged some sort of relationship that she could see how your mum felt about her now? Or was there tension when they lived together?
My mil asked if i was a freeloader when i got pg with dc1 but she didn't know me (long story) so i realised she was concerned i was going to fleece dh out of all his money, not that he had any but anyway....i didn't say anything and we've had our ups and downs sometimes I've hated her but I'm not going to ruin everyone's life by stopping the dcs seeing her or causing a family feud, but everyone's different i suppose.

Why can't you call your sil ask her what's going on?

" So it seems very U to ignore it unless it was horrible."

Well of course it might have been all about her, how she feels, what she wants.

They might be thinking about how/if to respond.

Decided to leave it until they get back from their Easter break.

OP, I think you should just tell your DB and your DM that you want to have a relationship with both of them but will not sneak around/hide meetings with them from the other. Then I suggest you tell them both to have a proper discussion, air their differences and take it from there.

If they choose to and things get resolved one way or another then great but if they don't then that's their decision and has nothing to do with you. All you have to do is maintain your relationship with each of them but do not get pulled into any blame laying.

I have a disability though am independent. I try not to rely on people too much. I FUCKING HATE HAVING A DISABILITY. And yes I meant to shout that. No matter what my achievements are in life, no matter how independent I am, doing things every one else does, I am still pointed out as the girl with the disability. It defines me, though I do not want it to.

But if I was to find that someone was using the one thing I cant control as a reason to persuade someone not to be with me. I wouldn't forgive. I wouldn't forget.

I have cut two people out of my life. My sister, who I overheard mocking me and doing an impression of my walk.
My best friend who told me I couldn't be her bridesmaid after all as I had a cane.

At least your SIL isnt two faced, sneaking around at christenings like you or talking behind someones back like her MIL.

How was you SIL at the christening? Could you talk to her about it or would that alienate you? Could you have a BBQ if something where all parties were invited and could begin to make up?

Plate

You said that she wasn't invited, not that she couldn't make it

Ugh. Why the avoidance, half truths and lies? Sorry to say this, but your family sounds very dysfunctional. You know you are creating more problems for the future by not being honest with your DM, don't you?

Sometimes, dis just don't like their dh's family, especially if DH and his mum were close. And will use the smallest of perceived slights to create a distance. Unfortunately, your DM gave your dis a valid reason for disliking her.

boney - she was not invited to or told about the christening. DB told me Mum wasn't available that weekend. I have no idea whether that is true.

coolcadbury yeah we probably are pretty dysfunctional. We are all hard-wired in conflict avoidance (i'm slowly learning to be more of an assertive, argumentative PITA ). My parents never argued with each other (then split up). DB and I never argued with our parents (and now hardly have anything to do with them).

But in going back through 'how did we get in this mess?' the one thing I haven't emphasised enough was that all this happened just after my mum's long term partner died and she was in pieces. So DB was in the unenviable position of having to force DSil (new mum with all that entails) to see our mum, or to exclude mum (newly bereaved). And actually, good god, given how upset mum is now, 1 year on, about this...if we'd told her then...it just doesn't bear thinking about.