To want dd to leave school at 16

[ISBN1966]

Which of course won't be possible, as the school leaving age has been raised.

She is in year 10 right now. She does no work at home or at school and hasn't since leaving primary. She is late for school 3 days out of 5, is rude to many of her teachers and takes days off when she feels like it. She'll probably scrape c grade passes in English, Geography, Sociology and Drama but will fail everything else.

I want her to leave school and try to get a job. In fact I'd like the school leaving age to be 14, like it was when my dad was young. Maybe I could persuade someone to give her a job, sweeping up hair in a hair salon, clearing plates in a restaurant or working as a cleaner. She hasn't got much to recommend her except cheapness as minimum wage legislation wouldn't apply.

She needs the world to teach her a lesson that you tend to get out of life what you put in in terms of effort, unless you are unlucky with your health. We have been unable to communicate this to her - she does sod all but still has a comfortable room in a private house (ours) access to nice food, family holidays, clothes, make-up etc.

I dread the thought if her staying on while making an utterly half arsed attempt at some pointless post 16 qualification.

She doesn't have to stay in school. I do wish people would stop spouting that mantra.

The age of participation is "raised" - she can stay at school, go to college, get an apprentice ship, or do volunteer work or you can HE her.

http://www.education.gov.uk/childrenandyoungpeople/youngpeople/participation/rpa

I don't know whether you have them where you are but we have colleges (UTC) attached to universities that take in children from y10 - to do vocational courses. It gets them out of school, the environment they hate and lets them concentrate on the future. they have to do GCSE English maths and science though - but the rest is tailored round them.

The OP's DD doesn't sound remotely to me as if she is on the spectrum. The truth is that some children do just reach teenagerhood and undergo a personality transplant. A few months ago I spoke to a friend who I hadn't seen for years - we hadn't really kept in touch, except for Xmas cards. She and her husband are well-educated, hard-working, professional people. When I last saw them they had two lovely young DC, and I think they expected (as you do) that the children would follow in their footsteps. But it turned out that the older child had gone through exactly this kind of difficult adolescent phase: playing truant, taking drugs, doing badly in GCSEs. My friend said it was particularly painful as she had to listen endlessly to other parents going on about how well their own kids were doing with their A*s and Grade 8 piano. There was no obvious reason for it - it was just the way she'd turned out. In fact, she'd pulled herself together after GCSEs, did A-levels, went to uni and got a respectable job. But it had been a tough time.

I do vividly remember the OP's post last year, and was really struck by how hard she'd tried to help her DD and how difficult she was finding it. My DD is the same age, and although she doesn't have the same kinds of issues, I am often amazed at how different she is from me in personality. It is a bit of a lottery, the act of parenting children - you think you can control (or at least influence) how they turn out, but you really can't.

I think the OP is already doing all the right things, and that the only thing to do is keep on at it. But, as with alcoholics, the decision to change is going to have to come from the DD herself.

I would also like to join in on the thoughts of her acne, has she seen a doctor for treatment? Gp s should certainly be taking that seriously, skin can be irreparably damaged by acne if not treated. It could also not be helping her at school. xxx

If she's going to get those grades then that's better than a lot of other kids! It'll mean she can go on to do a vocational college course. You're being harsh, she's a kid.

You might find they she realises how important education is once she's a little older. I left school at 16 and have been with the same company since. When I turned 24 I realised that I had probably reached as far as I could go without a degree so I started back at college in the evenings. I finished my HNC just before Xmas with distinctions in every module and have just stared my HND. Within 2 years it should have the degree. Had I left school and got straight onto Uni and genuinely don't believe I would have done as well, mainly because it wouldn't have felt like it was my choice. I would have done it because it with the "done thing" and because my parents wanted me to. Whereas now I want the degree because I recognise it's importance. Just support her and I'm sure she will come good

It's very grim to be punishing and withholding for years on end when it doesn't seem to be having much impact on behaviour.

What do you and the school do to reward good behaviour?

Does your DD have particular interests/hobbies that she enjoys which could lead to her learning more about those in the future?

Maybe a vocational course she is interested at college might be better? She sounds very unhappy at school. I wonder why?

I also think you need to go on amazon and search for books about parenting teens. There are some great life changing ones out there.

It's very grim to be punishing and withholding for years on end when it doesn't seem to be having much impact on behaviour.

What do you and the school do to reward good behaviour?

"Does your DD have particular interests/hobbies that she enjoys which could lead to her learning more about those in the future?"

This is the problem - she has no hobbies or interests beyond Facebook/TV/her phone. We have tried and tried to get her interested but she won't get involved. We have suggested photography lessons, dance, piano, theatre groups, singing, guides, judo, swimming... You name it. Not interested. We reward good behaviour with praise and we take her out. The school is great and truly, she is NOT unhappy. She has lots of friends and enjoys some of the lessons (just won't do homework).

Onesie, I've read the books and done parenting courses, had family therapy. DD is still cheerfully refusing to do any schoolwork or help at home. Honestly my only hope now is that change will come with the passage of time. I'm glad she has friends, her health and no learning disabilities. I cling to that, because I feel powerless to change her behaviour or attitude.