To want dd to leave school at 16

[ISBN1966]

Which of course won't be possible, as the school leaving age has been raised.

She is in year 10 right now. She does no work at home or at school and hasn't since leaving primary. She is late for school 3 days out of 5, is rude to many of her teachers and takes days off when she feels like it. She'll probably scrape c grade passes in English, Geography, Sociology and Drama but will fail everything else.

I want her to leave school and try to get a job. In fact I'd like the school leaving age to be 14, like it was when my dad was young. Maybe I could persuade someone to give her a job, sweeping up hair in a hair salon, clearing plates in a restaurant or working as a cleaner. She hasn't got much to recommend her except cheapness as minimum wage legislation wouldn't apply.

She needs the world to teach her a lesson that you tend to get out of life what you put in in terms of effort, unless you are unlucky with your health. We have been unable to communicate this to her - she does sod all but still has a comfortable room in a private house (ours) access to nice food, family holidays, clothes, make-up etc.

I dread the thought if her staying on while making an utterly half arsed attempt at some pointless post 16 qualification.

What about a trip abroad? Somewhere that might drive home the reality of her privileged life. As a family, you could all volunteer?

What are h er friends like?

90% of the influence on a teen is her peers and only 10% adults

Can you see what her peers think to her not working and tackle it from that angel?

90% of the influence on a teen is her peers and only 10% adults

Can you see what her peers think to her not working and tackle it from that angel?

Perhaps you should put her in care when you go on holiday OP-or leave her with relatives.

She doesn't sound or come across as 'gifted and talented', not sure how they came up with that when she doesn't attend school or do any work.

You need to get tough-and that means standing up to her. Eg-take away her makeup,tell her she can wear it if she attends school AND does her work-otherwise she has no need for it. Keep hold of it. If she doesn't go school then she can't go 'out' to play with her friends-and without being allowed her makeup i doubt she'll want to.

You need to make sure the school is recording her absences so they can then put in place measures to try and get her to school.

Stop making ecxuses for her. She's rude,lazy,entitled and a brat-not a 'talented and gifted' child who's 'bored/unstimulated' at school.

OP having friends and being sociable doesn't mean you can't be autistic.

You sound fantastic, OP. Some of the replies have been quite hostile but your response has always been measures and polite.

A family friend has a child who was a school refusal. He (the child) is a bit older as your daughter. The parents are lovely, hardworking people so anyone on this thread turning their nose up should be thankful by the grace of God.... He is doing OK now and got onto a computer course which he loves.

I just don't buy into the theory that someone who doesn't get academic qualifications is automatically destined for a crap life of drudgery and menial jobs.

I know plenty of people who achieved nothing at school but years down the line have fab lives, wonderful families, good jobs and fantastic friends!

Stargirl - I would LOVE for her to go abroad.

Wonder if there is an exchange programme we could get her on. Somewhere in Mongolia or rural China preferably....

With that attitude she wouldn't last on an apprentiship/ employment. She would be fired.
At 14 she should be taking responsibility for her learning. She needs to approach potential employers not mummy!
Why is she late for school? Who wakes her up at 4:30 in the morning and every 10 minutes until she gets up. Obviously this gets later the more co-operative she gets?
Who gets her breakfast?
Which parent sits in the heads office ready to go into her classroom to humiliate her infront of her peers assist the teachers when needed?
Why is she having such a nice life, she seems to have done nothing to earn it?
Make her watch benefits street and ask her who she wants as a neighbour.
I feel sorry for her teachers.

With that attitude she wouldn't last on an apprentiship/ employment. She would be fired.
At 14 she should be taking responsibility for her learning. She needs to approach potential employers not mummy!
Why is she late for school? Who wakes her up at 4:30 in the morning and every 10 minutes until she gets up. Obviously this gets later the more co-operative she gets?
Who gets her breakfast?
Which parent sits in the heads office ready to go into her classroom to humiliate her infront of her peers assist the teachers when needed?
Why is she having such a nice life, she seems to have done nothing to earn it?
Make her watch benefits street and ask her who she wants as a neighbour.
I feel sorry for her teachers.

Humiliation is really not the key. She is struggling with becoming an adult. It is bloody scary. I think my dd suddenly realised at 14 that life was not all kittens and cake and it was a shock. She started doing stupid things and not putting in any effort with school, just coasted.

Seriously, college has been the making of her. Plus they have much better student support.

You can't just 'put her in care' whilst you go on holiday!! I laughed out loud when i read that, honestly!

Does she flush the toilet when at friends houses op?

Also I think you'd have trouble getting her into college, let alone keeping her there beyond the first term. Colleges are stricter about attendance. You just get thrown out if you don't go.

With my teens I find removing phone/wifi works amazingly well. They hate it

Little you have summed up perfectly why we wouldn't even consider the OP's Dd for a PRU placement on the scheme I'm involved in.

Gotta love the people taking time out of their day to come onto this thread to the give the OP a metaphorical beating, without even a hint of constructive advice...

Little - I go in every 10 minutes in the morning from 6 or 6.30. If I woke her at 4am she would respond by spending the entire day in bed catching up on her sleep. And even when she leaves the house on time she still manages to be late for school somehow (drops in on people on the way to school).

Honestly - I laugh at some of the posts here, the level of control people think you can exert over a teenager.

My dd would humble you. She is very very strong. And enough of a teenager never to discount the nuclear option in family disagreements - the nuclear option being running away or physical violence.

Do any of her friends work hard and have big plans for the future?
What does she get invol ed in? What does she feel passionate about?

Hi Op. Cahms can miss a lot, and girls present differently to boys on the ASD spectrum (you probably know that already, sorry if it sounds patronising - not meant to!). But PDA sounds a possibility. Here is the NAS' description just in case it is relevant to her. Particularly the bit that says people with PDA are often a lot more socially adept than most people with ASD!

So I'll ask again OP, what are the consequences of her being late?

Sometimes they listen to other people, not to parents or teachers but to an aunt or uncle or godmother.
Have you got a relative or friend who can help?
Have you got in ths family or friends a person who left school but worked hard on a bussines and made a good life?
Also buy some inspiring biographies?
Does she like travelling and languages?
Cooking?

Oh come on, most troubled/difficult children can fit into those 'descriptions'!

If like to hear the answer to chippednailvarnish question too?

And op, I have 3 teens. One was a nightmare aged 13-16. Tried to refuse school etc etc. her aspirations now, at almost 18 are better, but she deeply regrets not trying harder

The consequence of her being late is that she gets a detention if she has more than a couple in a short space of time. Except the school doesn't make her go to detentions, because she doesn't attend and then they have to escalate it. If they did this she'd have been permanently excluded six months ago. They want to keep her at the school because they (and we) think it's an emotionally safe environment for her, and because moving her at this point would probably disrupt her GCSE's to the point that she would leave school with no qualifications instead of 3 or 4 'C' grades which she is on track to get even if she does no work at all.

She has had her phone contract cancelled and we don't give her any money. We have had to buy her some clothes because she's grown over the last year, her old ones don't fit and not buying her any clothes at all would count as neglect. We have tried confiscating her phone/lap top, etc. it makes no difference to her behaviour.

What do you suggest? If we try to ground her she just walks out. Lock her in? And bugger the violence which will ensue?

Good ol' MN. Any difficult child must have SN, can't just be a contrary sod.

It was hardly said lightly. It was suggested by those with direct experience.

And the fact that she is so uncooperative, to the extent of refusing to flush the loo, does suggest that it is much more than a straightforward no action=consequence situation.

OP. I think you need to somehow escalate this - can you go via your GP rather than the school-Ed Psych route?

I really don't think you have a cat-in-hell's chance of getting her to turn up to a job/apprenticeship

I love how you are expected to make her do homework and go to school just like that children who are school refusal from what i understand will move hell and high water to avoid it, this isn't a naughty little girl this is a 16 yr old who is strugiling (sp) with school. OP ask her what she wants to do stay at school or leave give her an option but the option to do nothing is non negotiable ,