To want dd to leave school at 16

[ISBN1966]

Which of course won't be possible, as the school leaving age has been raised.

She is in year 10 right now. She does no work at home or at school and hasn't since leaving primary. She is late for school 3 days out of 5, is rude to many of her teachers and takes days off when she feels like it. She'll probably scrape c grade passes in English, Geography, Sociology and Drama but will fail everything else.

I want her to leave school and try to get a job. In fact I'd like the school leaving age to be 14, like it was when my dad was young. Maybe I could persuade someone to give her a job, sweeping up hair in a hair salon, clearing plates in a restaurant or working as a cleaner. She hasn't got much to recommend her except cheapness as minimum wage legislation wouldn't apply.

She needs the world to teach her a lesson that you tend to get out of life what you put in in terms of effort, unless you are unlucky with your health. We have been unable to communicate this to her - she does sod all but still has a comfortable room in a private house (ours) access to nice food, family holidays, clothes, make-up etc.

I dread the thought if her staying on while making an utterly half arsed attempt at some pointless post 16 qualification.

She's not 16. But even so, my dc3 is now 15..... Had 3 teens so far, and all of them (and their friends) were able to articulate how they envisaged life to be like 5 years on.... A very rough, sometimes naive idea, but still they had some idea!

I'm thinking that if she thinks about her friends ( as they seem to be one if the most important things to her) then she might start thinking and imagining life where they have moved on and forgotten her

And food banks don't just take any old volunteers! Nobody dies anymore.... All the 'menial' traditional teenage jobs are now sought after by out of work adults! Even paper rounds in my town. And sweeping up at hairdressers.

She sticks to her guns regardless. Fixed thinking can be spectrum related. Female autistics are very invisible in their condition. I have 3 kids, 1 autistic, next with social and communication disorder, no 3 showing early signs. They are all friendly, sweet, affectionate, caring, loving little boys. School refuse to support them despite letters from paediatrician. Girls are far less likely to be picked up with this. Autism really is not what it seems.

Imo Katie Price is asd. Just for illustration - she fixes on what she wants, is focused, can't be dissuaded from her ideas, has monotone voice, is definitely not girly despite dappearances, fixated on horses (Harvey? Frogs?) few friends in reality, just management instigated nights out.

Wow. I wish I could diagnose ASD by watching reality TV.

How do you know she's 'fixated on horses' yes she owns and rides them. But that doesn't constitute an obsession. hEr TV isn't an accurate reflection of her life A monotone voice isn't that uncommon is characteristic of a Brighton accent (my wife is from Brighton and her sister's voice is nearly identical to Katie Price's) and as for 'not girly' what on earth does that even mean? And why is that de facto evidence of ASD

Maybe the goal focus is the product of being fearsomely hungry for fame without having any discernible talent to achieve it .

I used to work for social services and am used to children being mis-diagnosed with all sorts by Dr Google, but diagnosing celebrities via ITV2 is a new one on me.

Have to say, agree with Compos.

While it's ... um ... fun to speculate about someone in the public eye, I'm sure if you pull out enough 'weird' characteristics about anyone you could say they were on the ASD spectrum.

Also, if I were on the spectrum, or my DC were, I don't know how delighted I'd be with the idea of people identifying all of a person's, left-of-centre, shall we say, foibles, and calling ASD...

I actually discussed Katie Price with my son's doc, she said she'd wondered this herself. Of course you can't diagnose on television, but the point I am making is that the autistic spectrum really isn't confined to stereotypical withdrawn, geeky, boys. I got the shock of my life when our paediatrician suggested autism in our eldest son. He was referred due to balance problems.

One of the defining characteristics of autism is specialised interests.
Katie Price - horses
Einstein - theory of relativity
Etc

The school environment isn't for every child. One size does not fit all. She isn't unteachable.

What are the pastoral team like at her school?

And no, I am not diagnosing. I am offering my opinion, based on experience. Only a developmental paediatrician can diagnose autism.

The op has had significant difficulty with her daughter, and has another child, who is on the spectrum.

Hardly inappropriate to suggest she may have sensory issues, or possibly something related to the spectrum.

I now realise I have some issues, and frankly was quite similar to op daughter at her age, avoidance tactics which are disproportionate to the disliked task etc.

Of course I am not diagnosing op daughter, but it is something to consider.

Each symptom of autism which presented in my eldest, is not significant in itself. But it is the sum of these things that finally added up to a diagnosis

Liking horses does not mean autism. But there is a lot more stuff, that when added up, could indicate sensory overload, which can be related to the spectrum

Finally, I am not diagnosing op daughter. I am suggesting she may have difficulties which she may benefit from having assessed by occupational therapists, paediatrician etc.

See if she'd like to do a vocational course in a college environment? Good social life and fun with a qualification at the end? What does she enjoy doing? There'll be a qualification to suit her interests somewhere. Tempt her with something really fun like equine studies!

I feel for you and all these people saying they are depressed or confused as to why you are so down on her are making me cross. If I've had to maintain stupidly high levels of enthusiasm with no return for any length of time, there comes a point when I give in completely, out of exhaustion almost, and in my anger direct vitriol at the object of my frustration. Often underneath my heart is bleeding because I don't want to be doing that.

The only thing I can suggest is that if she is G&T then perhaps she's bored. I would perhaps go to some cool museums with her, or some other attraction, and watch for sparks of interest. When any became evident I'd try to feed the fire with relevant material. She may be clueless as to what she wants to do and so have no channel for her energies. Some people are like that. Or have some long chats with her; find out if anything at school is upsetting her.

Anyway I hope things get better for you OP.

It all sounds very difficult for you, OP.

It must be heartbreaking and incredibly frustrating to deal with (what used to be) your baby behaving in such a self-destructive way :(

I know you don't think there's anything in it, but some of the posts on the thread from Amber and another OP (sorry have forgotten your name) who was diagnosed at 36 ( :( ) are maybe worth reading again. They recognise something in your daughter that might help you to understand why this is happening.

Best of luck, I wish you all the best. :)

There you go op!

All those meetings with camhs/school etc etc were a waste of time. You have got your diagnosis here on MN

joules you cant say that to a 16 year old girl that will make her feel worse than she maybe already does, oh all your friends are going to be at uni and you are such a failure cos you didnt go to school,

What are you doing about getting her Acne treated?
It may not seem a big thing in the grand scheme of things, but it is a huge deal to the teenager who has it.

As I understand it, under the latest legislation she will be required to continue studying maths until she is 18 or passes GCSE or equivalent. Does she know this? Though I guess she might not be particularly bothered!

mrsjay I didn't say to say that to her..... But yes, she needs to think about how she will be left behind because op doesn't say ALL her friendship group are behaving the same way. You can't shield her from reality..... She doesn't have SN ..... And she is damaging her future. If she won't go to school then college will be unlikely, her friends will all move on

Oh, and mrsjay..... Read the thread....she isn't 16!

you are right jules of course you are she needs to realise that this is her life and if she mucks up then it is only herself she is hurting I just think the words you used were harsh in that post, and a 16 yr old girl who is finding life a struggle saying that to them would only add to her upset and couldn't careless attitude, I know it is easy to think well just pull your socks up but it isn't always easy as that sometimes,

The acne,yes. Mine was finally cleared in my 30s with Roaccutane (risk of depression/poss link to suicide with this drug but......) if acne is causing pitting in the skin it will later cause scarring and must therefore be referred to a dermatologist who have lots of treatment options. Not just Roaccutane . Mine was first treated by a well intentioned GP at 14 but was undertreated for decades, became very bad.

YANBU

However, why don't you stop buying her clothes and make up/ nice things?

Tell her she has to earn them by working hard at school. Take away her phone/computer as well.

It's not necessarily enough to work hard at school though, I did brilliantly and got bullied badly for working hard and being academic. What kind of school is it? a middle class one or a chavvy type one?

I'm afraid there is a stigma against education in this culture.

Also - bad acne can be a sign of polycystic ovary syndrome and hormonal imbalance. Worth looking into just in case there is anything that could be treated.

Can I just say that nobody is diagnosing ops dd, just offering suggestions and viewpoints.

That is all.

I am 40+ and finally being diagnosed with adhd, primarily inattentive type. It has ruined my life.