To want dd to leave school at 16

[ISBN1966]

Which of course won't be possible, as the school leaving age has been raised.

She is in year 10 right now. She does no work at home or at school and hasn't since leaving primary. She is late for school 3 days out of 5, is rude to many of her teachers and takes days off when she feels like it. She'll probably scrape c grade passes in English, Geography, Sociology and Drama but will fail everything else.

I want her to leave school and try to get a job. In fact I'd like the school leaving age to be 14, like it was when my dad was young. Maybe I could persuade someone to give her a job, sweeping up hair in a hair salon, clearing plates in a restaurant or working as a cleaner. She hasn't got much to recommend her except cheapness as minimum wage legislation wouldn't apply.

She needs the world to teach her a lesson that you tend to get out of life what you put in in terms of effort, unless you are unlucky with your health. We have been unable to communicate this to her - she does sod all but still has a comfortable room in a private house (ours) access to nice food, family holidays, clothes, make-up etc.

I dread the thought if her staying on while making an utterly half arsed attempt at some pointless post 16 qualification.

Why are you still giving her access go 'holidays/make up/nice clothes' etc if she has been refusing to attend school
or learn?! It's no wonder she doesn't know the value of anything and expects to be mollycoddled.

Try providing just the basics for her and make it clear luxuries like nice clothes/make up/pocket money/fancy food/holidays etc are to be earned.

I can't believe you've let her do as she pleased for so long whilst rewarding her behaviour!

Tally - I have tried to sit down with her many, many times, as had DH. She won't allow me to help her or have any involvement and she won't do homework. Attempts to make her do it result in a massive teenage tantrum and swearing and walking off. She is bigger than me. I can't MAKE her sit down and do her homework or help her with it if she refuses to comply.

Giggle - what do you suggest we do when we go on holiday? Put her in care?

This sounds absolutely heartbreaking and exhausting for you.

She is obviously extremely bright but totally bored and disillusioned. Is there anything which interests her at all, anything about which she is passionate?

In your shoes, I think I would be inclined to de-register her from school again; it's clearly doing no-one any good for her to be registered. But then maybe you just need to let her be for, say three or four months ... no expectations, no pressure. However, as a non-working almost adult, she should be helping out around the house, cooking, etc, and if this doesn't happen, then no money for extras.

Or, is there another adult who might take her in for a bit during this time? I once had my best friend's son to stay for the summer when he was similarly becoming completely directionless. We worked him like a slave on our renovation project and he had time to think about his options.

I would set a date after this period, on which you are all going to sit down and discuss what sort of future she would like to aim for and how she thinks this might be achieved.

Or maybe we should deny the rest of the family a holiday so as not to inadvertently reward dd.

Op how are her siblings getting on? Did you leave school early?

OP, my son was similar to this, he too went to CAMHS and was raised exactly the same as his siblings.
You are not a bad parent or lax as some are suggesting.
My ds2 was eventually diagnosed with Aspergers at age 17.
You must be exhausted with it all, I know I was.
If its any consolation he is 19 now and working in a call centre, not exactly ambitious but he's managing.
Your daughter needs help my love, please bang on some desks. It was our GP who helped in the end, school did nothing except tell me how bad he was.

what tiggy said way backl on page one she doesnt need to stay at school till she is 17 she can leave but continue in education college or modern appretiship take on 16yr olds she sounds a handful no point her being in school if it is wasting everybodies time but i dont think she will be employable if she can't turn up to school on time

How have you never been prosecuted for her truancy?

This is why my dd loves college. On her course (IT) all of the work gets done in class, though they can do it at home if they need extra time. She is way ahead, whereas when she was doing A levels she was constantly behind with her coursework and her attendance wasn't great.

My dd has also had CAMHS involvement and recently was diagnosed with Aspergers.

Encourage her to find something she'll enjoy at college. She might surprise you.

Couldn't cope with her at home all day. She won't help around the house under any circumstances or for money. She just won't do it. She won't even flush the toilet after she's used it or put her washing in the machine.

I'm very interested in the whole apprenticeship thing. Maybe if she was mixing mainly with adults in a workplace she would see herself differently, see life differently.

I think leaving is the answer also before she leaves ask for a referral to cahms she needs to learn to control herself OR she has other issues going on like the posters children with asn, school isn't for every child after 16 , she needs to find something she wants to do, speak to school and the careers office about college or Something

Autism is genetic. You have one child who is diagnosed ASD, and I am sorry to say that I think you may have two. Many girls go undiagnosed because they do not present in the same way as boys do.

Despite leaving school with top marks in my A Levels I have achieved precisely nothing with my life as in some ways I was like your daughter: I could not see a future for myself, could not plan or organise my life, had a dreadfully poor attention span and was made horribly unhappy by what I now know is chronic sensory overstimulation which lead eventually to avoidant behaviour. University was a disaster for me.

Like your daughter, I had (a couple of) friends, was bright, was not on anyone's radar as I was well behaved, docile, obedient, academic. These are not the children that get anyone's attention, unfortunately, as their misery is internalised and thus invisible.

The older I got, the more complicated life became, and the less I was able to cope with it.

I was diagnosed with ASD last year at 36: far too little, far too late.

Autistics have very very poor insight into their own feelings to the extent that they struggle to identify what is troubling them at all let alone communicate that to others. I would bet dollars to donuts that she never shares how she feels with you...does she?

Please get this girl some help, urgently... she is miserably unhappy.

She is bigger than me. I can't MAKE her sit down and do her homework or help her with it if she refuses to comply.

And just because she is bigger than you doesn't mean she can make you buy her things like make up.

There doesn't seem to be any consequences for any of her behaviour, she'll be taking drugs and getting pregnant next (probably to get your attention).

I'm involved with taking kids from PRU into work placements and it will always be dependent on the support from parents. You're not sounding like a parent and pupil we would consider.

You sound like you're being held hostage - by a CHILD. no holiday? You pay the bills so she should bloody well toe the line. And she shouldn't go with you. Is there not a grandparent that can give her a bed while you're away?

I'm so sorry, it must be a nightmare, especially when she's so bright and has so much potential. Mine are too young for all of that at the moment, but I do remember, from my DP's experiences with his kids when they were that age, that it was impossible to talk to them sometimes and they were convinced they were right and incredibly strong minded. Maybe what she needs is a dose of reality - a real dead end job, someone at school, possibly one of her peers, telling her what the future really holds for her. I don't think, at this moment, that either you or the school stand a chance. I'm sorry x

It does sound as if she ends to be in a PRU (not regular school) doesn't it? And then perhaps with specialst interventions there, she might be placeable.

And OP - how long since CAMHS involvement? Does she need second opinion or fresh referral?

Pigs - not prosecuted (yet). She takes odd days off here and there, and is late most of the time, but because we are in constant contact with the school and she has had a CAMHS referral they are tolerant. They know we are doing our best to get her to school, and to get her there on time.

Any chance she is a reader?. Get her to read 'I am malala'. It might kick her into realising what a privilege education is.

"Maybe what she needs is a dose of reality - a real dead end job, someone at school, possibly one of her peers, telling her what the future really holds for her."

Yes! This was pretty much the point of my OP. :-)

Revolt - I was practically weeping the other day reading about Malala and mentally comparing her to dd. Dd wouldn't read her biography unless Malala did something like join the cast of celebrity big brother, or a guest slot on made in Essex.

I do wonder if she is on the spectrum somewhere. It is possible to learn how to be friends with people in such cases, you know. Not everyone presents in the same way.

It all sounds very very hard.

If her skin is bad I can see why you do buy her make-up, it might even be behind some of her issues with not going in.

Teenagers are so tough. It must be hard not to yell when you know that telling them to do something will result in nothing happening AND doing nothing will result in nothing.

Good ol' MN. Any difficult child must have SN, can't just be a contrary sod.

Have you thought about sending her to a collage to do her GCSEs and A levels?

She will regret leaving with no qualifications

So what are the consequences if she is late or doesn't attend?