What the hell do I do?

[HowJustHow]

Ok this isn't so much an AIBU because I know I have been. 100% I know I have been a complete dick.

I slept with a friend tonight, he has a long term serious girlfriend. I have to be in his company tomorrow night. I do not know what to do.

I am fully aware what a horrible person I am right now. There is absolutely no way I can get out of tomorrow. I have zero intention of it happening again although he has different ideas which I have tried to put firmly out of his head.

It was a mistake but life will dictate that I have to spend time with this man in future.

I made a mistake and I am sorry but need a bit of advice on how to move forward...

OP, I apologise.

It just seems to me that you have been a big part of each others lives for so long that it's a wonder there is time for either of you to be with anyone else.

He has been on & off for 10yrs with his ex?

I just find that odd-just be together or not!

But then you are both only 26 now?

So, plenty of time to either have a break, limit time together for a while or see if a relationship works!

I'm struggling to understand why you would even consider a relationship with this man.
He was in a relationship, he spent copious amounts of time with a friend who he had previously slept with, then he slept with this friend whilst in a relationship.
Despite his best friend feeling so guilty and awful, he decided to use this infidelity to end his relationship, piling more guilt onto his friend.
His now x girlfriend then rings his best friend because she is heartbroken, which makes his best friend feel even worse, and how does this man respond to all of this pain and hurt??

He pursues you for a relationship, which if I am reading right, you have already repeatedly told him you do not want.

He has shown himself to be a liar and a cheat who can turn a blind eye to the pain he has caused his now x girlfriend, probably turned a blind eye to however she felt about him spending so much time with you during their relationship, so long as he gets what he wants which atm, is a relationship with you.

I can't work out why you are even considering having a relationship with a cheating lying scumbag who moves on from a 10 year relationship like he's got a rocket up his arse to move onto the next one.

He is not what you thought he was, and if you decide to have a relationship with him which I am convinced you will you will ruin any chances of retaining any kind of friendship with him and I think the relationship would have an extremely high probability of failing, unless there is some reason you haven't said that means he would never cheat/lie/disregard your feelings??

How would your opinion of your friend have altered if he had confided in you that he had cheated on his GF? would you still think he was such a nice guy? What would you have advised him to do? I find it very weird that you could have such an intense relationship and neither of your respective partners "mind". As you yourself have said, this friendship was way beyond the normal. This was not occasional drinks and nights out with an old friend. he was gong on family days out with you and DD, and couples nights in while GF was elsewhere? And in 10 years you never really got to know her as a person? So she never got to know you either? Yet trusted him & you? Or did she not know the extent of your contact behind her back?

Maybe you have been slow on the uptake, maybe he is your dream partner if you get on so well and obviously the sex was at the very least OK. Maybe this is how it was meant to be but you both need to think very very carefully about how to proceed from here. Have you had other partners since your divorce? how was your BF with them? does your mum like the BF? maybe she can see what yu have been denying, that you 2 are meant to be together?

This reads like poor chick-lit. Sorry.

OP I think either he or you should fully confess to the GF. If I were in her position you would most definitely be my prime suspect and I would be driven to insanity with not knowing. I don't think you'd be making it worse. Rather it's probably the only kindness you could offer in the situation.

Oh, and I'm certain her phone call to you was to find out if you were the OW. Not just seeking a shoulder to cry on. She was probably going try to catch you out.

I'm just posting once again to thank everyone for their comments. There is certainly been alot of good advice and I appreciate it.

I think it has become apparent that whilst writing it all down has helped to sort out my own thought process there is alot to think about and only time will tell.

To continue posting is just re-hashing what has been said before so I think for now I'm best to NC back.

Thanks again.

Why would she phone for a shoulder to cry on if she's not friends with the OP?

Perhaps she suspects OP or thought OP would know who it was?

And if she knew her partner was with OP & then he told her what happened, she must know that it's OP he slept with.

” That be your understanding of guilt but the definition is - Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has compromised his or her own standards of conduct or has violated a moral standard”

Interesting definition, I do wonder where that’s from [I would have been more inclined to go with something like one of the Oxford English's ‘a feeling of having committed wrong, etc’].

No matter (where it’s from) because at no time did I refer to my ‘understanding’ (of the definition of) the word ‘guilt’. I wasn't trying in any way to define it's meaning.

I simply said that (such feelings of) guilt often seemed to me to be a fairly pointless [as in, having no good purpose and often a waste of time/effort] and possibly self-indulgent [as in, serving one's own desires or purpose], etc.

” Your logic in your last post doesn't make sense to me at all”

I apologise. I'll try to make it clearer.

I think that the feeling of guilt (in such circumstances) serves no good purpose at all (especially to the 'wronged' person), unless some effort is made to reduce the distressing effects of the wrong committed.
Further, I would go so far as to say, that I think that the feeling of guilt (again, in such circumstances) could in some instances even be a self-indulgent emotion, in that (in some cases) the person may start to feel that the horrible feeling of guilt that he/she is having to bear, is of itself sufficient retribution and that there is therefore no need to make any effort to reduce the distressing effects of the wrong committed.

diddl Why you are directing your questions to others on this thread instead of me I'm not sure.

I have answered all the points on previous posts and wasn't intending to come back and pick this thread up for above reasons but since you have been pretty unrelenting on trying to picks holes and heavily imply things that aren't true I thought it best to set you straight.

As it turned out she rang me to find out if I knew and who the woman was. She possibly does suspect me but she hasn't come out and said it. I have not spoken to her. I do not intend to. My friend spoke to her today prior to her handing her keys back and he didn't tell her and as far as I have been told she didn't ask out right if it was me either.

Also as I said in another post she did not know that he was at mine on that particular night in question.

As per your earlier post, yes they have been on and off for 10 years but have had as much as 2 years at any given time apart. It has only been in the last few that they have been exclusive and the last 10 months that they have lived together.

As you point out we are 26 so obviously long term relationships from 16 onwards do work out sometimes however the majority of the time they don't, or at the very least have had bumps in the road. They did have alot of big bumps and as adults decided to give it another shot.

I hope this helps to answer the questions that you have had.

Hope it all works out for you OP. Don't be too hard on yourself about the whole thing and ignore all the judgey wudgey pantses on this thread

Thanks Nugget it is definitely posters like you that have helped the most.

I don't mind being flamed, hell I was expecting it. But I really don't like people adding arms and legs or implying things that just aren't true. It's pointless and inflammatory on a thread which is already a very sensitive subject.

Thanks again

You're welcome OP . Get a good nights sleep and hopefully things will start to seem a bit clearer soon.