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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What the hell do I do?

212 replies

HowJustHow · 24/01/2014 23:02

Ok this isn't so much an AIBU because I know I have been. 100% I know I have been a complete dick.

I slept with a friend tonight, he has a long term serious girlfriend. I have to be in his company tomorrow night. I do not know what to do.

I am fully aware what a horrible person I am right now. There is absolutely no way I can get out of tomorrow. I have zero intention of it happening again although he has different ideas which I have tried to put firmly out of his head.

It was a mistake but life will dictate that I have to spend time with this man in future.

I made a mistake and I am sorry but need a bit of advice on how to move forward...

OP posts:
ShephardsDelight · 25/01/2014 14:22

Hang on?....
She left you a voicemail straightaway?....so you're a good mate then?...
Wow,.....just wow Sad
this thread makes my skin crawl.
I'm in agreement with helpyourself

Original poster
HowJustHow · 25/01/2014 14:25

No she left a voice mail because she wanted to know if I knew and who it was as it turns out. We weren't friends. It doesn't make it better but she wasn't a friend of mine.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/01/2014 14:26

I hope you don't start a relationship with him. Well, not unless you are happy for yourself to be treated in the same way you and he have treated her.

The juxtaposition of you talking to him while she was simultaneously leaving you a distraught voicemail that you have subsequently ignored completely doesn't bode well.

ShephardsDelight · 25/01/2014 14:32

Have you actually spoken to her or anything , any response whatsoever?

I felt I was a little harsh last night combination of tiredness and wine, but every post is painting a furthermore, callous selfish picture and the 'i know I've been awful' palm to forehead comments seems very disengenuine in context tbh.

I think you should have some decency and tell her.

Topaz25 · 25/01/2014 14:38

I don't think it would be a good idea for you to get together when he has just got out of such a long term relationship. He probably needs time to process his feelings before rushing into another relationship, whether he realises it or not. Otherwise he could just end up making the same relationship mistakes.

kitchensinkmum · 25/01/2014 14:38

OP , just put it down to experience. I'm sure you don't make a habit of this type of thing .
I'm sure it's happened to others .
Keep it quiet though , just hold your head up and smile. It takes two

Obviously lots of people wouldn't approve but nobody has the right to judge you . Life lessons

Jaisalmer · 25/01/2014 14:39

I would imagine she knows it is you anyhow and is just testing your reaction. She'd be pretty dim not to guess tbh and I can't believe she's been altogether happy with your close relationship the whole time they've been together.

Ditavontitty · 25/01/2014 14:40

You deserve each other.

Topaz25 · 25/01/2014 14:43

Just whatever you do don't try to be friendly or nice to his ex, it will come across as insincere. If you're not going to tell her the truth (and I don't think you have to, that should be up to him) just ignore her calls. I was once dumped by an ex and later found out (not frone of the girls I confided

Topaz25 · 25/01/2014 14:44

Gah stupid phone. I was once dumped and found out later (not from her) that one of the girls I confided in was the one he had cheated with. That was humiliating. So if you're not going to tell her don't talk to her.

Original poster
HowJustHow · 25/01/2014 14:56

I am not telling her an no I haven't responded. It's his place not mine.

I understand people think I'm callous I do. I don't want to lose my friend. My understanding of my feeling are all over the place I'm trying to make sense of them that's all. I do feel guilty but I'm also very confused too.

OP posts:
ShephardsDelight · 25/01/2014 15:00

its your place as much as his, I agree with Jaisalmer,

you're feelings shouldn't come before hers in this instant.

Original poster
HowJustHow · 25/01/2014 15:11

Well I am not prepared to be the one to tell her. I don't believe that it is my place since her relationship wasn't with me... They have now split up so I don't think rubbing salt into the wound is the right way to go about.

I'm not proud of what has happened but I don't see the need in hurting her more either. I have been cheated on and I know I wouldn't have appreciated it. Maybe she is different but that's for my friend to decide I think.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 25/01/2014 15:19

She probably knows it's you but in my opinion it's his place to tell her, not yours.

Mandy2003 · 25/01/2014 15:22

Why don't you want a relationship with him, specifically? I agree it does seem manipulative to have done what he has done. Don't make a big deal of ignoring him at the wedding - it was that that drew my FWB's workmates attention to us when he wanted to keep it secret.

Original poster
HowJustHow · 25/01/2014 15:23

I

OP posts:
Original poster
HowJustHow · 25/01/2014 15:26

I had never thought about a relationship with him. It's only became apparent through writing it down that actually we do everything couples do without the physical side. His feelings are causing me to doubt what I always thought of as fact. I know it's cruel I know it's messy. I also don't want to be the cause of more pain for her.

OP posts:
Mandy2003 · 25/01/2014 15:32

It does sound, from your writing, that in the long term you might have ended up in a relationship with him. But how do you feel in that he might have tried to force the issue, or even have used you to break up with his GF?

Original poster
HowJustHow · 25/01/2014 15:40

I wish he has just spoken to me rather than engineering a situation like this. I don't think he intentially tried to force my hand but he knew what he was doing before even settingfoot in the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
HowJustHow · 25/01/2014 15:41

It doesn't make me any less a fault. In route to wedding so won't be posting for a while. Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:
BIWI · 25/01/2014 15:41

I'm not going to flame you.

But I wonder why, after all this time, you slept together? You must have been in situations before where you had drunk too much together. What was it about last night that was different?

And if you were happy to sleep with him last night, and you have the depth and length of friendship that you have, why don't you want a relationship with him?

Mandy2003 · 25/01/2014 15:47

Then tell him!! Did you have your breakfast summit? If you think you might like to be with him and he thinks he wants to be with you then a Long Wait must be implemented. Make him aware of this, then at the wedding, just behave as normal.

After all, you were his friend before she was even thought of!

ImperialBlether · 25/01/2014 16:58

I don't think it sounds as though he planned it in order to get out of a relationship with his girlfriend. It's far harder to tell someone you've been unfaithful than it is to tell them the relationship just isn't right for you.

DumSpiroSpero · 25/01/2014 18:42

I think you've had an unfair pasting tbh.

You know that what you've (both) done isn't right. Whilst I agree that it's more his place than yours to tell his GF you were involved, if she does confront you directly don't lie to her as that really will make you look like a shit, rather than someone who's make a massive drunken mistake without expecting there to be this level of fallout.

As for your relationship with him - I know it can be really tricky when you have a longstanding friend of the opposite sex and sometimes the boundaries get blurred, so I'd like to err on the 'when Harry met Sally' romantic side of things, but it does sound as if he has been pretty manipulative which would really pot me off getting furthest involved even if saving the friendship in the platonic sense is an option.

I had a very longstanding male friend throughout my teens/twenties. We had far more in common than I do with DH in terms of hobbies/interests/education etc. I could call him at any time day or night and he'd be there for me, no questions asked. I also know for a fact that there were periods during those 13 or so years that his feelings for me were more than platonic, but in all that time, no matter how vulnerable, drunk or flirty I was, even when DH and I (unmarried at the time) were on a break, he never, ever took advantage.

I really think you both need some space before you can decide how the relationship is going to proceed or if it will even be able to.

poopadoop · 25/01/2014 19:00

OP - she must have been suspicious anyway. And I know you're young but I think you should have backed off a bit once he had a serious girlfriend and was living with her, unless you were friends with both of them. If he was harbouring feelings for you, he has been dishonest with you and with her by staying with her yet having you so close. Sorry but I think in future to avoid this kind of thing, once someone is in a serious relationship you need to respect the relationship more