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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What the hell do I do?

212 replies

HowJustHow · 24/01/2014 23:02

Ok this isn't so much an AIBU because I know I have been. 100% I know I have been a complete dick.

I slept with a friend tonight, he has a long term serious girlfriend. I have to be in his company tomorrow night. I do not know what to do.

I am fully aware what a horrible person I am right now. There is absolutely no way I can get out of tomorrow. I have zero intention of it happening again although he has different ideas which I have tried to put firmly out of his head.

It was a mistake but life will dictate that I have to spend time with this man in future.

I made a mistake and I am sorry but need a bit of advice on how to move forward...

OP posts:
Original poster
HowJustHow · 25/01/2014 08:45

You might be right Topaz. I can't claim moral high ground over that though since I was obviously a willing participant.

OP posts:
Original poster
HowJustHow · 25/01/2014 09:03

He is on route now, any last minute advice would be hugely appreciated...

OP posts:
diddl · 25/01/2014 09:04

Well if he was unhappy he should just have left his GF.

He sounds horrible -I wouldn't want him as a friend.

Wonder how long before he says "but I left my GF for you"?

Foxsticks · 25/01/2014 09:04

It sounds to me that maybe he has held a torch for you for a while and tried to orchestrate a happy ending for himself. He hasn't gone about things in the right way at all, but from what you have said I think he hoped you would happily enter a relationship with him. Sad all round I think, for the girlfriend and for your friendship.

Is breakfast the best idea? Meeting him so soon voluntarily might give him false hope. Maybe another phone call would be better.

diddl · 25/01/2014 09:05

"He is on route now"Hmm

Why?

And why are you intending to be there?

Foxsticks · 25/01/2014 09:05

Sorry cross post. You need to understand what to say to his girlfriend, she'll be expecting a call back.

diddl · 25/01/2014 09:06

Oh you suggested breakfast.

Good grief-ignore him!

Helpyourself · 25/01/2014 09:17

Perhaps now he's dumped his girlfriend you will get together.
Perhaps he's always loved you and this is you're chance.
Perhaps he was bored with his GF and you're a get out clause.
Perhaps he likes rescuing people and all this is happening now because you're vulnerable.
Who knows? It's all happening much too fast. Tell him to back off, don't drink tonight and review things when he's disentangled himself with decency from his girlfriend of yen years.
Or just fall into bed with him and carry on enjoying the drama.
Hmm

OTheHugeManatee · 25/01/2014 09:18

Wel, it sounds to me like he's been looking for an exit from this relationship for a while, so you can't be blamed for wrecking it, OP. It also sounds like he's had his eye on you for a while. I think it's pretty reprehensible to drag you into the collapse of his relationship like this, spreading the blame as it were, but people are often cowards about eding relationships cleanly.

To me it sounds like he took advantage of your being in a vulnerable place to co-opt you in ending his relationship. That's pretty ugly. It doesn't absolve you, but it does merit some compassion.

If I were you I'd take the bull by the horns (after the wedding) and go speak to his now ex-girlfriend. Tell her what happened, tell her you're sorry and tell her you don't and never did have designs on your friend. She will curse you; take it like a (wo)man and accept se may never forgive you. But at least you will have cleared yourself of any secret complicity and can wipe the slate clean.

Whether you still want to be friends with this rather emotionally immature-sounding man his dragging you into all this mess is your decision.

Spottybra · 25/01/2014 09:21

Be friends and don't ever mention that night ever again.

magoria · 25/01/2014 09:34

Wow. Poor bloody woman. Trust your P and his very close female friend who is 'stuck to him' when they go out. Don't get told when he spends time with her or that they slept together before when her and her P were separated for a few months.

Have your P come home and say he fucked someone else and be moving out tomorrow despite working!

Is that him saying get out or her.

She must be reeling after over 10 years!

Yeah he sounds lovely and considerate. Planned for something to happen when you are down and dump her out of his life to make way for you.

Quinteszilla · 25/01/2014 09:34

The way I see it, he has used you to end his relationship. Sleeping with you was his "acceptable out". Much easier to break up with somebody if you have a reason, and he made you that reason.

I think this is manipulative of him.

stickysausages · 25/01/2014 09:47

He sounds like an arse. I'd drop him as a friend tbh. Walk away & put it behind you.

Original poster
HowJustHow · 25/01/2014 09:59

magiora

When we go out without partners yes we are stuck together. Like most of you would be with your best girlfriend, mine just happens to be a boy.

I am acutely aware that we crossed a line last night but I do not think what happened 10 years ago is particularly relevant, I mentioned last night to try and answer a question that was asked. We were 16 years old and in my mind daft teenagers and they had split up at the time, had only been together 2 months prior so really didn't cross my mind at that point that they would have gotten back together.

She isn't working tomorrow, she is working tonight and moving out tomorrow. And they have only lived together 10 months in his flat so I'm not sure it matters whether she decided or he asked her to leave.

As it turns out when he turned up home last night his GF wanted to have the "talk" as she felt things weren't right between them and he just blurted out he had slept with someone. I'm not sure he was deliberately trying to manipulate the situation.

He has said that alot of the time he feels like we are in a relationship. And that spending time with me and DD has made him feel like a family and made him realise that's what he wants. He has tried to explain what he meant when he said he had a feeling something would happen but truthfully it boils down to one thing, he wanted something to happen and clearly I didn't stop it from happening so I can't say anything.

We have agreed to not discuss it at the wedding and act and normal as possible and then meet up next week to see if a friendship can be salvaged.

His GF won't be ringing me again as apparently she took me not responding last night as confirmation I knew he was sleeping with someone else. I am not going to tell her it was me that he slept with as a few people have suggested. I don't think there is any point in sticking the boot in any further if I'm honest, especially since they have split, I also think that it is up to my friend to tell her if he wants and yes I'm a coward too.

Thanks for all the messages, good and bad. I wasn't expecting quite as many supportive messages and was pre-empting a huge flaming but you have all given me good advice.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 25/01/2014 10:10

This is no biggie. They were clearly headed for a split anyway, it was one shag and he's out.

They've ended things now, so put it behind you. Is she a good friend too? That's the hard part, you can't stay friends with her now.

diddl · 25/01/2014 10:12

He'd have to be pretty cocksure that OP would sleep with him though if he wanted to use that as a get out from his relationship.

OP, he sounds horrible.

To do that to his GF, & to you tbh, if he values your friendship.

Can't see why you're so deperate to keep him in your life.

allthingsfluffy · 25/01/2014 10:15

The way I see it OP, you are just as much of a victim in all this as his GF. Ok, you shouldn't have slept with him, but its a mistake, we all make them.

But he has been unhappy in his relationship and has been thinking the grass is greener and has dragged you into it as his get out claus. Whether he wants to admit it or not, that is what he's done. If he had any respect for you and any real desire to be with you he would have sorted out his current situation by ending it and then trying to get with you.

Instead, he has burdened you with guilt and made you complicit in the end of his already drowning relationship. Not fair at all.

Hold your head up high OP. You aren't the first to get into a situation like this and you won't be the last.

diddl · 25/01/2014 10:20

Just imagine though-they might have split up last night without him involving you.

And lived together "only" 10 months?

I think that that's quite a while!

Original poster
HowJustHow · 25/01/2014 10:42

I think he was pretty sure I would sleep with him... I think he saw something that I hadn't even realised was there.

I don't think I am a victim, I made a choice. I didn't think about what the implications could be at the time but I did obviously know what I was doing.

Looking back over the last 2 years I realise that we basically have been acting as a couple without the sex part. We do our shopping together, take DD swimming or to the zoo or the park together, we cook dinner together and eat together and then spend an evening chatting or watching films together. His girlfriend works polar opposite hours to him and I so it seemed logical to spend the time together, especially when 2 years ago I was in the process of getting divorced with a very young child and a bit lonely, we just never broke the habit. Now I realise that this is probably where it all went wrong for us.

I wasn't friends with his girlfriend really, we obviously spent time together in social situations but most of my time spent with my friend was just the two of us (and DD). She is a nice girl but even if I wasn't directly involved we wouldn't have continued any kind of friendship.

OP posts:
allthingsfluffy · 25/01/2014 10:47

You made the choice to sleep with him, but only because he made that be an available choice.

He went over to yours thinking it would happen and when it did he used it as a way to get out of ending his relationship in a decent way. He has used you.

Original poster
HowJustHow · 25/01/2014 10:51

Possibly, I'm not sure I agree with that but I can see why you are thinking it.

OP posts:
BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 25/01/2014 10:57

Would you really not consider a relationship with him? It really does sound like you are almost a couple.

The start may not have been planned or sensible but friendship is a good basis for a relationship. especially if you're compatible in bed too

allthingsfluffy · 25/01/2014 11:02

Why would anyone consider a relationship with someone who they know has cheated before?

He might have only lived with his GF for 10 months, but you slept together when they were on a break 10 years ago, so he has been with her for over 10 years. After 10 years she didn't deserve him to sit down and talk about the problems they were having like an adult? Instead of going out and sleeping with someone else.

I get that he's your friend, but he doesn't sound like a very nice person.

AmandaCooper · 25/01/2014 11:03

I agree; the friendship's probably fucked now anyway.

scantilymad · 25/01/2014 11:07

Why are you making space in your life for anyone who treats other people like this? Distance yourself. Let him deal with the fallout with his girlfriend on his own or you will end up as the fall guy. I also wouldn't want someone who treats people like this around my child. And definitely don't make things worse by denying everything if asked. You've done wrong but don't make it worse by lying. Everyone knows the difference between right and wrong and the best way to resolve situations like this is to start to do the right thing, even if it's the hardest. And this is from someone who made huge, awful mistakes at 26 and I wish someone had told me this then.