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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What the hell do I do?

212 replies

HowJustHow · 24/01/2014 23:02

Ok this isn't so much an AIBU because I know I have been. 100% I know I have been a complete dick.

I slept with a friend tonight, he has a long term serious girlfriend. I have to be in his company tomorrow night. I do not know what to do.

I am fully aware what a horrible person I am right now. There is absolutely no way I can get out of tomorrow. I have zero intention of it happening again although he has different ideas which I have tried to put firmly out of his head.

It was a mistake but life will dictate that I have to spend time with this man in future.

I made a mistake and I am sorry but need a bit of advice on how to move forward...

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 24/01/2014 23:41

Would you like to have a relationship with him?

Finola1step · 24/01/2014 23:42

Right. What you both did was a very crappy thing but...

You are single so you haven't cheated on your partner.

You can and should go to the wedding. Style it out and keep away from him.

Your concern right now has to be for your own sexual health. I assume you used a condiments but if not, I strongly suggest you get yourself to a GUM or Sexual Health clinic in the near future.

And even if you did use a condom, tomorrow morning before you go to the wedding, go to your nearest pharmacy a get the MAP.

Tread very carefully.

hoobypickypicky · 24/01/2014 23:42

"If the GF won't be there, you'll probably get drunk and shag him again."

Hmm

Nice.

Finola1step · 24/01/2014 23:43

Condom! Not condiments!

There's no place for salt and pepper in this situation!

hoobypickypicky · 24/01/2014 23:43

"I assume you used a condiments but if not, I strongly suggest you get yourself to a GUM or Sexual Health clinic in the near future."

Thank you Finola, you've just made my night. Grin

dreamingbohemian · 24/01/2014 23:44

OP I'm not going to flame you. I did lots of stupid things when I was 26, it happens.

The only way to get through tomorrow is a serious case of denial, and just putting one foot ahead of the other. Deep breaths, head up, shoulders back. Whenever your brain pings with a reminder of it all, think 'la la la, I can't hear you'. Don't think about the long term or what's going to happen, just get through tomorrow and worry about the rest later.

You will have major butterflies and stomach flips from the anxiety but just keep taking deep breaths and you will get through it.

Do not drink too much

Do not spend any time alone with the guy and minimise any opportunities for drunken confessions.

You have all the time in the world later on to feel guilty and horrible, just try to get through tomorrow like a normal person. good luck.

Original poster
HowJustHow · 24/01/2014 23:44

Thanks Hooby I appreciate that.

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 24/01/2014 23:44

Do you want to be with him?

ilovesooty · 24/01/2014 23:46

I agree with hooby

You've already said you made an awful mistake and admitted you feel dreadfully guilty so I think it's a shame you're getting a flaming.

He doesn't sound much of a catch and I think his gf would probably be well rid of him but I don't see why you need to do anything beyond keeping your distance.

cozietoesie · 24/01/2014 23:49

Ah well. If you go to the wedding, don't drink! The way things are, a few drinks down and there might be trouble of one sort or another.

ilovesooty · 24/01/2014 23:49

Well said dreamingbohemian

Original poster
HowJustHow · 24/01/2014 23:49

condiments Grin Thank you.

We didn't use a condom. First time in 26 years with anyone other than my ExH. Awesome night this is totaling up to be.

For the comment saying I will shag him again this is not the case. I would hardly be posting what I have if that was my intention.

I don't want to be with him, I love him to pieces he is my best friend and has been forever. I know it looks bad saying we slept together before but we were 16 years old, kids really. For 10 years we have spent a million (not literally) night together in the same setting as tonight and nothing like that has ever happened before.

Thanks for all the supportive comments, I don't deserve them but really do appreciate them.

OP posts:
sheriffofnottingham · 24/01/2014 23:50

If it was me I would go to the wedding and bluff it out. If he says anything make it absolutely clear it's not going to happen again and don't tell anyone. There's nothing you can do to make yourself feel any better. Tough it out and keep it to yourself. Cheating is a horrible thing but it's his relationship, you saying something to friends / his girlfriend is only going to make people think you're stirring it. if it comes out naturally then people will have more sympathy with you as someone who got caught in the middle but if you say something you will be seen as the instigator of the resulting unpleasantness as people inevitably take sides.

It's not the noble course of action but probably the best way to limit any damage to you.

poopadoop · 24/01/2014 23:50

Ok, if you're really sorry, and don't want to be in a relationship with him, then text him back, say that from your perspective it was a regrettable mistake, and while you might both be at the wedding tomorrow it is best for you to have no contact with him for the next few weeks as you deeply regret what happened, and it is best for you not to exchange any texts or calls. Then stick to it, block his number and let him and his girlfriend figure out whatever they have to figure out. That's how you show you're sorry, not by entertaining any texts from him re. break up of his relationship etc etc.

GoneOnHolidayByMistake · 24/01/2014 23:52

No judgement here mate. I've made mistakes in the past and anyone who says they haven't is either an angel or lying. I have been in that horrible, hungover, sickening state and it is no fun. You know you've messed up, now it's time for damage limitation. I think you need to be honest with yourself about what you want to happen with this guy, and decide what to do from there. I'd be tempted to chuck a sicky but if you can't, I'd probably not drink too much in case of a repeat performance. It sounds like he might lay it on thick and try it on. Please don't let it become a 'thing' at the wedding, you will regret it and the bride won't thank you. Believe me. I've been there. So if you must go, hold your head up high and deny, deny, deny.

poopadoop · 24/01/2014 23:56

for those saying 'deny' - you're basically advising the OP to lie. Do you really think that is ok? How very weird

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 24/01/2014 23:57

Seriously, worse things have happened at sea. you were not the person in a relationship. A bad thing went down but he is far more at fault than you. Don't worry too much. This is not really your problem, it is his.

Original poster
HowJustHow · 24/01/2014 23:57

It won't be a thing at the wedding. The only thing is it will go noticed by many if we aren't pretty much stuck to each as we always are. Like I said, he is my best friend.

I know it's selfish but I am also worried for our friendship. I want to salvage it without it hurting others.

I'm so confused my head actually hurts with it all going round. I feel awful for his girlfriend i truly do. I wish life had a rewind button sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
HowJustHow · 24/01/2014 23:58

poopadoop I won't be lying to anyone as nobody but the two of us will know. I know as fact he will not saying anything to anyone.

OP posts:
ladymariner · 24/01/2014 23:58

Personally I think you should call him and tell him what you've told us. Tell him you care for Nim as a friend but no way will you ever be able to have a relationship with him. Be honest with him, if he's been your friend for that long he deserves to know the truth, especially if he's thinking if dumping his gf for you.

(another one here who made mistakes when younger.....no flaming from me!)

ShephardsDelight · 24/01/2014 23:59

I'm afraid you deserve judgement on the lack of contraception even if you are on the pill he's taking that dick back to his girlfriend, eww,
sorry if that's crude but you don't seem overly phased by what you've done in your post.
Although you did the right thing re: the texts, just keep your head high and keep things civil but distance.

ilovesooty · 25/01/2014 00:00

I think you might have to come to terms with the fact that this incident might have made it difficult and undesirable to continue with the friendship.

Original poster
HowJustHow · 25/01/2014 00:01

Thanks ladymariner I think I might read over this thread and then call him.

OP posts:
poopadoop · 25/01/2014 00:02

OP, I sympathise as we've all made mistakes, but best friend or not, the kindest thing you can do here is to give him and his girlfriend a bit of space for a few weeks so they can figure out their relationship. If you really really don't want to be in a romantic relationship with him, you owe him and her that much. If you're always 'glued together' maybe you need to back off a bit anyway.
Re. the lying - that was in response to everyone who kept saying to deny it.

GoneOnHolidayByMistake · 25/01/2014 00:02

Poopadoop - I'm just advising the op to smother the gossip if there is any. It's no one's damn business but if confronted, yes, I would lie. Why fuel the fire? If someone confronts her and she admits it, it'll be round that wedding before you can say knife.

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