What the hell do I do?

[HowJustHow]

Ok this isn't so much an AIBU because I know I have been. 100% I know I have been a complete dick.

I slept with a friend tonight, he has a long term serious girlfriend. I have to be in his company tomorrow night. I do not know what to do.

I am fully aware what a horrible person I am right now. There is absolutely no way I can get out of tomorrow. I have zero intention of it happening again although he has different ideas which I have tried to put firmly out of his head.

It was a mistake but life will dictate that I have to spend time with this man in future.

I made a mistake and I am sorry but need a bit of advice on how to move forward...

I 100% wouldn't lie if she confronted me about it but I also won't go out of my way to tell her either, it's not just for the reasons stated but also because I could say categorically if I was in her position I would not believe it had only happened once given the time spent together. I know she would think there had been an affair all along and I would hate for her to think her entire relationship was some kind of lie.

I think the people saying a bit of space is needed are definitely right. Thanks for all your advice.

I also know what we did was pretty terrible but I am not some woman void of feelings or empathy for another. I'm sure everyone has done things at one point in their life they are ashamed of and regret. If I could rewind time I would, but I can't so I am just trying to find the best way to move forward minimising the damage.

I haven't meant my posts to come across as callous or heartless it's just from my point of view that's all.

OP - from what you've said, he came over to yours with the intention of sleeping with you. You had no such thought in mind. So how did it happen? Did it feel 'right'? Do you feel comfortable about it now? (Not the fact that he has/had a gf - just the sex itself).

To be honest somewhere I can't separate the two right now. Every time I think about the sex itself just bring me back round to his GF. He said he thought something might happen and as I've said I think he saw something that I didn't see or possibly didn't want to see.

I don't know how it happened really, I guess it did just feel right at the time. We got talking and it just seemed to happen and to be honest at the time it felt natural, it wasn't awkward or strange or anything like that. It's the aftermath that makes it awful.

It's like going round and round in circles. Every time I think I have the solution or a way round it there is something else to consider...

I know it's hard to separate everything out when you look back - but how do you feel now when you think about what happened? How does it make you feel?
I'm not trying to make any particular point by the way, I just think that this is fundamentally what it comes down to. Do you feel uncomfortable about it? Did it have that 'right and comfortable' vibe that sometimes friends who then get together can feel? What's the first emotion that comes to your mind when you recall it?

Guilt. That's what I feel right now is just incredibly guilty

I don't want to upset you but I have to ask - honestly - at the time, did you want this to happen?
I'm sorry if I'm pushing this in the wrong direction, like I say, I really don't want to upset you.

Just go. Act normal.

If he says anything tell him that you regret it and have decided to forget that it happened. That he must never mention it again and that it can never happen again. And that you don't want to be together even if the relationship with his gf ends.

I've been to the wedding it was tonight. I had to leave early as my little girl was poorly so I went to collect her and bring her home.

Somewhere At the time it hadn't crossed my mind until that moment. That is the truth, but I guess when he made a move it wasn't a shock and I really didn't react the way someone who had a truly platonic relationship with someone would.

If you had told me the situation that is now 48 hours ago I would have laughed and said never.

How - good that you had a reason to get out of there early on and now the wedding is over so you are more free to distance yourself.

To be honest I am not getting a sense from you that you particularly wanted this to happen. And from what you have said it sounds as though he very much wanted it to happen.
I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable but perhaps you could think about whether that is the case? If so, I think it's a very different situation to the one discussed up until now.
But I don't want to be a drama-llama and read too much into what you've said.
Look after yourself and be kind to yourself OP.

PS. Hope your daughter is ok now.

I can't really equate this best friend thing - I mean I couldn't deal with my dh having a best friend who was glued to his side and wasn't me!

If it was a mistake - and you don't want it to happen again well I don't think you can continue to be best friends.

In terms of the wedding, don't overthink it behave like nothing happened but don't drink.

But I think you do need to rethink the best friends thing.

I had the horrors the first time I was with my now husband - I said never again, 3 months and a few drinks later ,.............

And the first time, I reacted much like you though ut was amazing in the moment

We have 3 children now and are still besotted and sometimes, I still look at him and wonder how this happened.

If there is no relationship from this the friendship is over, you cant uncross that line.

Thanks somewhere I think there is a few things to think about going forward, on both parts. And I don't think any of it can be done living in each others pockets. Thanks for your advice, and yes she is ok thank you. Sleeping for now.

forever The wedding was tonight. I came home early for above reasons. I understand that people find it strange but my ExH just had to accept it as did my friend GF because that was the way we were. That is the way we have always been and TBH if a potential partner had had an issue that relationship would of been the one not to continue not our friendship.

It sounds so weird and I never realised how much so until the last 24 hours where I've written alot of it down. Our friendship was quite possibly always over the boundary of normal friendship, I just never noticed. I know alot of this doesn't make sense to people but I'm trying to make sense of it all myself right now too.

to be honest, I think this has just confirmed to him he doesnt want his ex and he has done a decent thing by telling her, rather than trying to get you to be a bit on the side and hedging his bets - he clearly wants out of that no matter what, that has taken guts

and I personally dont think he has used you - sometimes things just happen

I think last night was a definite realisation for us both and yes he decided his relationship was over because of what happened but I also think it would have happened anyway. How was your friend with now hubby in between? Do you think it's possible to salvage dome kind of friendship or through experience was it all or nothing?

It was fine we like you had been friends forever, but the first time we both had a drink ......

it was mad, I kept waking up and thinking x - how am with x - but it was lovely, we were living together within 6 weeks, because we skipped the getting to know you part

"It doesn't make it better but she wasn't a friend of mine"

I think this statement rings the most instinctively truthful (to me), among all those you have written.
[Understand that I am not saying that I think everything else you have written is lies, not at all, just that this seemed to me to be the most honest].

'She wasn't a friend of yours', so it cannot be said that you owed her anything. Not loyalty, not honesty, not regard for her feelings, not any of the considerations of friendship.
[I do find it a bit strange that in the ten years of their relationship, you haven't formed any feelings towards your best friend's long term partner. Friendship, dislike, affinity, hatred? Nothing??]

Given that 'she wasn't a friend of yours' it could be argued that you should give her no more consideration than you would ordinarily choose to give a total stranger, so if you have behaved (towards her) in a manner befitting the standards you would ordinarily set for yourself (in your behavior towards people who are nothing to do with you), then you have nothing to reproach yourself with or feel guilty about.
Indeed, if that is fact, then (in my opinion) your 'best friend' has manipulated you, while treating his (now ex) long term partner horribly, and doesn't sound too much like anyone's friend (best or otherwise).

I say "could be argued", but I can visualise a few other scenarios here, too. For example, I can't help wondering if maybe your 'best friend's (now ex) long term partner would feel doubly gutted and betrayed if she knew it was you with whom he had cheated upon her, because perhaps over the years she had come to consider you her friend, too. Maybe. Just wondering.

I'm not sure how it can be a more honest statement than others but yes it's true. They were very much on and off throughout the first part of their 10 year relationship, they have been exclusive for the last few years. She seems to be a nice enough girl but I was quite indifferent in my feelings about her.

We didn't spend an awful lot of time together due to us having very different working hours. I was also the sounding board for my friend. I knew more about her than I probably should have and didn't like all that I heard but that's not to say I disliked all that I heard either, at the end of the day it was his relationship, his choice. We were only ever acquaintances because of who her boyfriend was.

What I feel guilty about is hurting her. She could be any tom, dick or harry but I would still feel guilty about hurting her. I also have a guilt that doesn't actually relate to her either.

I think she would feel more betrayed if she knew it was me but not because of a friendship but more because she would think it had been going on a hell of a lot more. I would think the same in her position.

"I'm not sure how it can be a more honest statement than others"
I have no idea whether it is a more honest statement than others. I simply said that it seemed to me to be.

"What I feel guilty about is hurting her"
Guilt often seems (to me) to be a fairly pointless (though possibly self-indulgent) emotion and never more so than in these sort of circumstances.

"she would think it had been going on a hell of a lot more"
In terms of the physical act she would be wrong to think that, wouldn't she, so I don't actually understand why it should matter to you what she thinks.
You say you were indifferent in your feelings about her. Clearly indifferent enough to have sex with her long term 'living-together' partner while they were still in a relationship (presumably secure in the knowledge that, as she wasn't your friend, any onus of loyalty towards her was only upon her partner, not upon you). So I really don't understand why you would suddenly have any concerns about her now or why you would feel guilty.

You have loose morals. So does he. Wrap it up
however you like but that is how it is. Neither of you have covered yourselves in glory and you have listened to zero advice on this thread

I can tell you one thing for certain, if you try to pretend that it wasn't you, she'll "know" that it was going for a lot longer when she does find out. She may be wrong, but there's no way she or anyone else is going to believe it. It's up to you whether you care what she thinks of you, but from personal experience I think you should tell her if he doesn't. Don't rush into a "couples" relationship with him, you didn't set out to hurt anyone, but the truth is, however great your friendship was/ is, the dynamics have changed. Whether they change permanently or whether you revert back to your previous friendship (which I doubt is possible tbh) for now you have to see that things are different. If you decide that you really don't want a relationship with him, then you have to let go a bit, neither of you will ever have a satisfying relationship with anyone else if you two are joined at the hip.

I don't know if it's just how it's coming across here or if you're even aware of it but you sound like you want to a relationship with him. Your posts about how close you were etc read like you're convincing us or yourself that it was more than just a sex thing. Do you really want to be with someone who would cheat on his long term partner like that and then from what I can make out, have little remorse about it? Asking you to 'give it a go', he's clearly not giving a shit what his girlfriend (ex) is feeling. I get that he's your best friend blah blah but he's also a grade A arsehole. Stay clear.

As for damage limitation, it's too late. She will work out it's you eventually. Your friendship with him is done. You've made a massive mistake (as you know) and I'm afraid you're just going to have to deal with the inevitable fallout.

I read a thread a while ago on best friends being together, it was lovely.
It seems like your relationship with the BF is the longstanding one, it's just not had the physicality except on the 2 occasions. If I'm honest it appears yours and his relationships with other people were the 'bits on the side' perhaps (fulfilling that physical part that your own relationship is missing?)
I would see where it naturally progresses as being together is probably where it will take you.
If I was his GF I would not have had a relationship with a man who had such a close female BF, I would have left them to it