What the hell do I do?

[HowJustHow]

Ok this isn't so much an AIBU because I know I have been. 100% I know I have been a complete dick.

I slept with a friend tonight, he has a long term serious girlfriend. I have to be in his company tomorrow night. I do not know what to do.

I am fully aware what a horrible person I am right now. There is absolutely no way I can get out of tomorrow. I have zero intention of it happening again although he has different ideas which I have tried to put firmly out of his head.

It was a mistake but life will dictate that I have to spend time with this man in future.

I made a mistake and I am sorry but need a bit of advice on how to move forward...

But how was it tonight at the wedding? Were you together as usual? Did anyone pick up on an atmosphere? How were you both together?

Hope your DD is brighter this morning.

ADishBestEatenCold That be your understanding of guilt but the definition is - Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has compromised his or her own standards of conduct or has violated a moral standard.

I'd say at the moment it a pretty accurate description, like I said all of the guilt I feel it necessarily linked to his girlfriend. As for you comment about why I would care whether she thought it had been going on longer or not. Quite frankly I wouldn't wish on anyone to think their entire relationship had been built on secrets and lies. I said I was indifferent towards her, that doesn't mean that just because I didn't have a friendship with her that I want to hurt her. Your logic in your last post doesn't make sense to me at all.

you sound like you want to a relationship with him

I mentioned a couple of times in previous posts (I know faaaar too many of them) that I just don't know what I want. 48 hours ago it was black and white to me. Friends, end of story. Now this has all happened and I think I mentioned before that my friends feelings for me are confusing my own. Even if I did want to give it a go with him or not there are a lot of things to consider... The only thing I can think of just now is a bit of time and space and both of us trying to figure out what we really want.

tillie the wedding was good actually, there was not the awkwardness I was anticipating but due to the nature of our group of friends we didn't get a chance. Chucked together for dances/pictures etc. To my knowledge nobody picked up on anything but time will tell.

DD is a poorly wee girl this morning, duvet and DVD day I think. Thank you for asking.

you have listened to zero advice on this thread

This is incorrect actually, I have read all the advice and taken most of it on board. I haven't made any decisions as of yet.

The advice I haven't listened to is any that have said something along the lines of, "cut him out your life", "tell his GF (even if your friend doesn't want her to know)" etc.

I have received a huge response on this thread and have been shocked at the amount of understanding replies. People who may not agree with what happened but can see past it in order to try and help with my situation. This I appreciate more than any. I did name change for this post and have had a flaming from posters who are usually very friendly towards me. It's fair enough, I was expecting it anyway. But it does just go to show, one error of judgment doesn't define me as a person. It doesn't necessarily mean I have "loose morals". It means I made a mistake, one which I am trying my hardest to figure out right now but a mistake all the same.

There was a lovely thread last year sometime full of people who had married their best friends.

Just sayin'.

OP were you drunk when you slept with him?

We had both drank a little too much but not wrecked drunk.

I only asked because if you weren't plastered then how can you have sex with someone my mistake?
Surely there's feelings there more than 'just friends' ?

It's dead easy to have ill judged sex without copious alcohol. I did loads of it in my younger day.

You have no responsibility and no loyalty to her, only to yourself - it is not your place to speak with her, tell her or explain to her, that is his if he so chooses, he has ended it - presumably in my opinion because this night has shown him his feelings for her are not all that they should be. I think he has been as honest as he needs to be - no-one owns another person and she does not "own him". The past is the past and you need to focus on yourself and how you feel, not try to second guess her feelings, they are not your issue.

DHs ex actually thinks I am my poor blameless friend and that he was with me for years, because she once picked something up from their house - that however is her tarring everyone with the same brush because she used to bring her bit on the side into their home when DH was there. No amount of explaining that I wasn't her would wash. But that was all years ago.

DH too "hoped" something might happen when I had no clue, in hindsight, I think that was him sensing something that I didn't and not him manipulating a situation.

After the initial, how can we do this, we have known each other for ever, we didn't see this coming, we can't do this conversation, we just realised, it as right for us.

We have been through some times that would have ripped another couple apart (not through either of our fault sorry to sound mysterious), and we are still as together and as strong as ever, that long standing friendship stood us in good stead because when life feel apart, we had a lot of shared history even before "coupledom".

My only regret is DH and I didn't get together a long time before we did.

I don't think being plastered would make one bit of difference. You sill make a choice. The lines have been blurred and it felt comfortable at the time. I don't regret what happened so much as the circumstances that it happened in.

I've done things stone cold sober that I've almost immediately regretted. I'm not using alcohol as a blanket for my behaviour it may have happened egardless

I think you've been really honest How and don't deserve the battering you've had from some. You can't be accused of ignoring advice if you haven't reached any decisions yet.

I do think this is an important post though:

If you decide that you really don't want a relationship with him, then you have to let go a bit, neither of you will ever have a satisfying relationship with anyone else if you two are joined at the hip.

Neither of you will be able to give yourselves fully to a partner when you are so close to each other. And I don't think thats just because he is a man either. If my DH was spending so much time with his best mate I wouldn't be too keen I think.

Foxsticks That is one piece of advice that is a given. Through what has happened but more through writing it down and reading all the responses I have 100% realised that our friendship has for a long time been over the line of normal friendship. We were always close but more so since my divorce. To start with it was genuinely him just trying to help me through a difficult time in my life. My ExH wasn't a very nice man and there was a lot that made my friend very protective over me and my DD. I think at some point along the line the intensity of the friendship should have dwindled again but it didn't.

I think this is why I am struggling to see what is best to do. I am faced with this decision of all or nothing with a man who has been apart of my life for as long as I can remember and has been a big part of DDs life. She would miss him terribly too and if I'm honest I'm struggling with it. I would never cut him out of our lives apart from anything else it would be impossible but a serious "break" and step back from the friendship would be required.

Part of me thinks that his idea of let's try and stay the same friends-wise for 6 months and see if anything develops and if it doesn't then at that point take a step back might actually be an idea.

I am usually a very decisive person and I don't tend to question my own thoughts for very long. This is driving me round the bend but for the first time in my life I'm being faced with what to me is a huge and life altering decision and I just do not know what to do.

I have confided in one person in RL who is helping me immensely to try and sort through my own thought process. We are spending the afternoon together and I am hoping that she will help provide me with a bit more clarity before the day is out. Just want to say before anyone tells me I am unfair to discuss it with anyone in RL that it is my Mum.

loving the judgement on this thread...'loose morals' cos the OP made a mistake when she was upset

OP i can see why your head is all over the place now. I wonder would it be a good idea not to see your friend or have much contact for a little while, just so you can try and figure out what you want? Rather than just continuing as friends for 6 months or whatever as I think that wouldn't give you the space you need and the 'unresolved' nature of the relationship would be hanging over you and confusing issues.

You don't have to decide anything straight away anyway.

Sorry if I'm repeating what other posters have said, I did RTFT but there were a lot of different opinions!!

Look, we've all done something similar at some point. Don't beat yourself up about it. You're feeling awful because you're hungover and that makes everything a million times worse - it happened, it won't happen again, put it out of your head.
You'll feel much better tomorrow. He's the one who needs to feel bad here and sounds like he doesn't so why are you shouldering all the guilt.....??

Nugget this is kind of my issue, I keep swinging between the two. I wouldn't want to jump into anything straight away because I think my friend needs time on his own and I need time to figure it out too. Plus I still just don't know what I want. I'm getting annoyed at myself with my contradicting thoughts and feelings. So bloody frustrating.

Well if you've been playing happy families for a while & that goes well, of course it's tempting to have a relationship with him!

Although I can'thelp but wonder why that hasn't happened.
You might not miss him as much as you think-rather doing things on your own that you did with him.

Could be that you would just miss the company at those times-not specifically his iyswim.

That's completely understandable OP don't be so hard on yourself. You've been friends for a zillion years and now you have to consider if you want something different or for things to stay as they are or to withdraw from the friendship. And this has all happened in the last couple of days. How can you be expected to figure it all out so quickly? Especially with the added guilt you're feeling about the ex gf.

As I said you don't have to have it all decided straight away. Just step back, maybe say to your friend you need some time to get your head straight and you think he needs the same. Then just see how you're feeling and if you decide you want to give things a go you can do that at some time you feel ready. If not you and your friend can decide what you want to do about the friendship.

Op, it's not all or nothing, it's not black or white, you don't have to do or decide anything now.

Just see how it goes. Relax a bit! If when you next see him for shopping, hanging out etc, it feels right then go for it, if not, back off a little.

It would be him and his company that I would miss.

Nugget thank you. I think you are right if I'm honest. I really appreciate the advice.

Thanks Thisisaghostlyeuphemism I have alot on the next few weeks so will be pretty busy. I think we'll maybe arrange a catch up in a few weeks time and see what happens then. I might ask that the next few weeks though he doesn't just drop in or phone like he used to. I think it maybe is an important thing for us to have space to think.

It was the thread that 'cake expectations' mentioned that I was thinking of when I posted, you should maybe take a look. It would balance some if the more judgey posts on here!

Would you be devastated if he met someone new and started a relationship with them on the rebound while you were on an enforced break from each other?

I agree with a few PPs and think you shouldn't decide anything right now, just wait and see what happens. I think you've been given too much flack tbh. It's not like male friend & GF have had an amazing relationship- sounds like they've been off more than on! Neither of you have had great past relationships yet you seem drawn to each other - it sounds to me like maybe a relationship is worth investigating? Good luck op :)

Maybe they haven't had much luck as they want to be together & won't take the plunge.

If they always spend so much time together, no wonder they can't get a relationship (with someone else) to work!

diddl I don't think that is particularly fair. The breakdown of my marriage had absolutely nothing to do with my relationship with my friend.

Mandy It's an interesting question. On one hand yes I think at this point now I would be pretty gutted but at the same time if that was to happen then it would be because things between him are I weren't meant to be. You can't tell someone you love them and within a few weeks be with someone else if you truly meant it.

He has messaged me asking to talk. I think we need to speak properly to get everything out in the open and take it from there.