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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What the hell do I do?

212 replies

HowJustHow · 24/01/2014 23:02

Ok this isn't so much an AIBU because I know I have been. 100% I know I have been a complete dick.

I slept with a friend tonight, he has a long term serious girlfriend. I have to be in his company tomorrow night. I do not know what to do.

I am fully aware what a horrible person I am right now. There is absolutely no way I can get out of tomorrow. I have zero intention of it happening again although he has different ideas which I have tried to put firmly out of his head.

It was a mistake but life will dictate that I have to spend time with this man in future.

I made a mistake and I am sorry but need a bit of advice on how to move forward...

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 25/01/2014 00:04

I think the OP sounds pretty fazed to me. And I don't see why anyone is in a position to sit in judgement on someone whose making no excuses for what's happened. "you deserve judgement" - How arrogant does that sound?

ilovesooty · 25/01/2014 00:06

Who's of course.
Sometimes women can be bloody horrible to each other.

poopadoop · 25/01/2014 00:06

well if it goes as far as other people knowing, it's the best friend telling them. She can not engage with any discussion w/o outright lying - liers always get caught. What about the gf's feelings as well?

Topaz25 · 25/01/2014 00:07

Avoid spending time alone with him tomorrow, that should be possible because there will be lots of people at a wedding and he will presumably be there with his girlfriend. Focus on your friend who is getting married and don't drink too much. Afterwards take some time away from the friendship. You made a mistake but you can avoid making it worse. Make it clear to him that you don't want to pursue it.

Original poster
HowJustHow · 25/01/2014 00:08

I'm on the phone to him just now, he has told her... I can't believe what I've done. Despite what a few posters think I am not some home wrecker. Or at least have never been until now apparently Sad

OP posts:
ladymariner · 25/01/2014 00:08

You're welcome. Just think it would be better to clear the air before tomorrow, and sending a text isn't a good idea as written words can be misconstrued. IMO, you need to get this sorted to as soon as possible and then move on. X

ladymariner · 25/01/2014 00:10

Bugger.....cross posted!

Oh that's not good, and fwiw I don't think you're a home wrecker.

ShephardsDelight · 25/01/2014 00:11

Sorry OP my post sounded overly harsh, sexual health is no joke and the victim here is the girlfriend.

Thats pretty shit OP, I hope you have good mates to crowd around you for the next couple of days.

Topaz25 · 25/01/2014 00:15

TBH I think if he felt he had to tell her he should have waited till after your friend's wedding, this will cause maximum drama. It might be a good idea not to go to the wedding now.

What was his motive in telling her? Does he want to leave her for you or does he want to come clean to rebuild their relationship?

Topaz25 · 25/01/2014 00:16

I don't think you're a home wrecker, you made a mistake, we've all made mistakes. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone...

Original poster
HowJustHow · 25/01/2014 00:17

Ok have just got off the phone. He has told his GF he slept with someone. Apparently she didn't know he was at my house (he has never hid our friendship from her).

He said he had a "feeling something was going to happen". I have zero right to be annoyed as it isn't me that has been betrayed tonight and clearly I was instrumental in what happens but I can't believe he came with this intention when my intention had been just a normal night with him.

He has sworn not to tell anyone tomorrow so nobody will know and it certainly will not be gossip and my friends wedding, it's her and her future husbands day.

Thank you all so much for your advice. I think I definitely need to read it all back tomorrow when I have a clearer head.

OP posts:
Original poster
HowJustHow · 25/01/2014 00:19

He told her I think to end things. He has gone to stay at his Mum's (he asked to stay here but was told no) she is moving out on Sunday apparently.

OP posts:
ladymariner · 25/01/2014 00:19

Did you tell him you won't be entering a relationship with him?

treadheavily · 25/01/2014 00:21

Go to the wedding. Don't drink too much. Be friendly and polite. Don't tell a soul. No need for anyone to know.

ilovesooty · 25/01/2014 00:22

He sounds really manipulative.

Original poster
HowJustHow · 25/01/2014 00:23

Bloody hell she's just left a voice mail while I was on the phone asking me to phone her as she needs to talk about X, she is in tears. Fucking hell I have never felt so awful for something I've done, I've never felt so awful for someone else. I actually don't think I deserve the nice messages I have received.

OP posts:
Original poster
HowJustHow · 25/01/2014 00:26

He isn't manipulative, I think he has been unhappy and has used what happened tonight to justify their split in his own head. He really isn't a bad person I think his head is just all over the place.

I have sent him a further text suggesting we go for breakfast. I need it to be crystal clear for him as he isn't getting it through text or phone call.

OP posts:
BillyBanter · 25/01/2014 00:27

I would text him and say that if he wants to split up with his girlfriend then that is what he should do regardless of whether he thinks you are waiting in the wings or not. If he doesn't want to be with her then he should let her go so she can find someone who does want to be with her.

BillyBanter · 25/01/2014 00:29

I completely missed the 2nd and 3rd pages. D'oh.

ilovesooty · 25/01/2014 00:29

Sorry but I think he's behaved really badly in telling her but leaving whether to disclose your involvement to her firmly in your court. I really wouldn't be having contact with him at all.

dreamingbohemian · 25/01/2014 00:29

I still don't think you're evil or a home wrecker

I think HE sounds like an absolute prick though

Don't call her back. Disengage, disengage, disengage. It really is not your problem, yes you fucked up a bit but the fallout is not your problem.

ilovesooty · 25/01/2014 00:32

Yy dreamingbohemian Absolute prick.

Original poster
HowJustHow · 25/01/2014 00:34

Thanks guys. I'm going to try and get some sleep and straighten it all out in my own head before tomorrow. I have a young child so perfectly understandable for me not to ring back at this time. I think she'll twig eventually though. It's a bit rich coming from me but I just hope she is ok. She deserves someone better. I am not blameless I know this. In fact I am entirely at fault along with X.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
Topaz25 · 25/01/2014 01:03

Don't let him put any pressure on you. He chose to cheat and end his relationship. He sounds like he has got the wrong idea if he wants to stay with you.

Topaz25 · 25/01/2014 01:05

You made a mistake but he was the one who had made a commitment to her. Also it sounds like he planned things whereas you didn't, why wouldn't he tell his girlfriend he was going to yours if he intended it to be innocent? He knew you were going through a hard time, TBH it sounds like he took advantage a bit.