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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What the hell do I do?

212 replies

HowJustHow · 24/01/2014 23:02

Ok this isn't so much an AIBU because I know I have been. 100% I know I have been a complete dick.

I slept with a friend tonight, he has a long term serious girlfriend. I have to be in his company tomorrow night. I do not know what to do.

I am fully aware what a horrible person I am right now. There is absolutely no way I can get out of tomorrow. I have zero intention of it happening again although he has different ideas which I have tried to put firmly out of his head.

It was a mistake but life will dictate that I have to spend time with this man in future.

I made a mistake and I am sorry but need a bit of advice on how to move forward...

OP posts:
Jaisalmer · 25/01/2014 11:07

Did the GF not mind all this intimacy?

You do sound as though you ought to be together in a way. My DH was a good friend over 20 years ago and it worked out perfectly, I wouldn't discount it completely as 'just' thinking of him as a friend Smile.

Foxsticks · 25/01/2014 11:08

This is much more complicated than 'he cheated end of story' I think. The OP and this man have been behaving like a couple for so long it's no wonder things got blurred. What stops you from wanting an actual relationship with him?

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 25/01/2014 11:16

He slept with someone else but then ended his relationship. He doesn't sound manipulative, a liar or a habitual cheat.
It sound like he fancies himself in love with op and is trying to make the best of a bad job.

thepobblewhohasnotoes · 25/01/2014 11:19

Yes, I'm also interested why you don't want a relationship with him?

Foxsticks · 25/01/2014 11:20

I agree with ghostlyeuphemism

thepobblewhohasnotoes · 25/01/2014 11:23

"He slept with someone else but then ended his relationship. He doesn't sound manipulative, a liar or a habitual cheat."

^^ this.

What's so wrong with cheats is when they lie to their partners for ages, and make them live a lie. It's not the falling out of love or the sex so much that's unforgivable as the awful deceit.

This guy has done the right thing, and been honest at least.

allthingsfluffy · 25/01/2014 11:28

So if your partner of 10 years came home and you tried to talk to him about the problems in your relationship and he said he had slept with someone else, you would think its ok because atleast he didn't lie?

WTF?

They were together for ten fucking years. She deserved so much better than that.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 25/01/2014 11:30

I'd be fucked off.

I'm not sure what your point is.

Original poster
HowJustHow · 25/01/2014 12:13

Just to clarify they haven't been together for 10 years a such. They have been n and off a bit. Together for the last 3 exclusively though.

I don't know what I'm thinking or feeling. He just sent a message saying give it 6 months the same as we are now and see if it develops if not he'll back off.

I do love him, not sure that's the same as in love with him though. I don't know my brain is mush. All I know is the thought of not having him in my life is more crushing than where and my ex split. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
HowJustHow · 25/01/2014 12:14

Sorry when me and ExH split*

OP posts:
diddl · 25/01/2014 12:17

Well if he wants a family, I onder if he ever talked to his GF about it?

Or maybe playing families with OP & no responsibilities is a better option??

diddl · 25/01/2014 12:20

"All I know is the thought of not having him in my life is more crushing than where and my ex split."

Oh dear Lord.

Not sure whethe to laugh or cry at that tbh.

I don#t have any friends I feel like that about.

I'd miss them, sure but nothing insurmountable.

Original poster
HowJustHow · 25/01/2014 12:44

It's purely down to the fact he is my best friend and I didn't really like my husband so yes it is a bigger loss. He has been there for me through a lot I don't see how that's odd. We've been friends for 20 years and have sent a lot of time together.

OP posts:
Original poster
HowJustHow · 25/01/2014 12:45

It's purely down to the fact he is my best friend and I didn't really like my husband so yes it is a bigger loss. He has been there for me through a lot I don't see how that's odd. We've been friends for 20 years and have sent a lot of time together.

OP posts:
Jaisalmer · 25/01/2014 12:55

I've got friends that I'd be absolutely devastated to lose for whatever reason.

If you have 20 or 30 years history with someone how could it be otherwise?

allthingsfluffy · 25/01/2014 13:05

My point is that the OP has a child, and bringing a man who has acted so irresponsibly, into that childs life in a more intimate role is worrying. What happens if he suddenly decides that the drudgery and difficulties of step parent hood aren't for him? Will he go sleep with someone else and use it to get out of all responibilty?

It doesn't seem to matter anyway. Its quite clear the OP wants to be with him regardless of his recent behaviour. So good luck to her. I have a feeling she will need it.

saintmerryweather · 25/01/2014 13:11

If his GF had come on here and posted about how her DP had been carrying on with another woman the way you two have been (shopping, days out, cosy dinners and nights in watching films pretending to be a family) everyone would be saying that he was having an EA with the OW. Not really sure why this is any different.

Foxsticks · 25/01/2014 13:26

I don't get your point saintmerryweather. Its not the GF, it's the OP asking for advice. The same advice would never be given to them both as they are looking at this from very different perspectives. Do you mean everyone should be lambasting the OP?

Original poster
HowJustHow · 25/01/2014 13:32

I understand where you are coming from. The fact is that helps always been in her life I'm not just bringing a random into it.

I don't even know what I want but either wayit wold not be an immediate thing.

He needs to be on his own for a while to sort out his own head too.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 25/01/2014 13:32

From the outside, I think what you and your friend have between you is pretty strong and a sound basis for a relationship, if that's what you both wanted.

I think the strength of your relationship meant that his relationship with his gf was on a hiding to nothing anyway.

How did she feel about how much time you spent together anyway?
I'd have hated it.

AnyFucker · 25/01/2014 13:41

Did he not come over for breakfast then ?

Original poster
HowJustHow · 25/01/2014 13:49

Yes he did but didn't stay for long so really never got anywhere.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/01/2014 13:52

I ust wondered why you were still having what is actually an important discussion by text. What was his reason for coming over then ? Confused

AnyFucker · 25/01/2014 13:52

*just

Original poster
HowJustHow · 25/01/2014 14:17

He came over and said what he wanted. Basically to give things a go I've told him need time to think. We also discussed the wedding today. He is best man so had to go so we're delaying the conversation however he has text a few times

OP posts:
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