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Original poster

DP's attitude towards dd

308 replies

lovelilies · 29/12/2013 21:15

Background info:
I have been with dp for just over a year, we are expecting a baby in new year (yes it was quick, we both decided we wanted a family together partly due to our ages and mainly because it felt right).
So, we live together as a family with my dd (now 8) from a previous relationship.
Dd's biological father has had no contact with her for years - his choice although he pays CSA. So DP and DD have been building a relationship reasonably well, except for dP being quite strict with her. There has been a massive bust up today, because we went for a day out and joined dp at the football (he wanted us to come) and to check on one of his houses where there is work being done. I know this isn't dd's idea of a fun family day out, but I wanted us to spend time together before baby comes. As it happens it was quite fun at the football, plan was to go to dd's favourite restaurant on the way home. DP and I weren't particularly hungry after match so dp said we'll go to restaurant another time. Dd got v upset and cried saying she'd been looking forward to it all day. DP accuses her of emotional blackmail, turning on the tears when she doesn't get what she wants. Then proceeds to go on and on, saying things like I've pandered to her for 8 years, she's MY daughter and we can just do what we want from now on and he'll do his own thing.... All this in front of dd. Sad now he's in a major sulk and won't talk to me or dd.
Is He BU? Or am I for not

OP posts:
Original poster
lovelilies · 29/12/2013 21:16

Sorry, posted too soon. Should I tolerate this? I want the best for my family, but hate the way he can be with dd...

OP posts:
ThePinkOcelot · 29/12/2013 21:17

He is! He is acting like a big kid tbh.

KingRollo · 29/12/2013 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparklyblue · 29/12/2013 21:20

He's a manchild.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 29/12/2013 21:21

Jesus Christ. My DS is 7 and if I had a partner who spoke to him/me like that, they'd be out on their ear, baby or no baby. Fucker.

shushpenfold · 29/12/2013 21:21

A one-off or very unusual reaction like this can be tolerated, although I would have having a proper 'word' with them afterwards as it sounds cruel and entirely unnecessary. If this is the way that he thinks he should interact with her though I would be worried to be honey.

GobbySadcase · 29/12/2013 21:21

Who is the grown up here? Certainly doesn't sound like your DP.

The kid is 8. Why shouldn't she be upset that the highlight of an otherwise dull day for her (after doing everything your DP wanted) was taken away from her?

Mabelface · 29/12/2013 21:21

You absolutely should NOT tolerate this. Who the fuck does he think he is? Your daughter was promised a treat, then he decides that it's not going to happen and then is shitty when she's upset. She's an 8 year old child and he's a grown man acting like a 3 year old. Your daughter comes first here and he can take his jealous, stroppy arse elsewhere if he can't get his head around it. Oh, and yes, jealous, as he's jealous of the attention you give her. Tell him to get to fuck.

shushpenfold · 29/12/2013 21:21

…to be honest!

MatryoshkaDoll · 29/12/2013 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PolyesterBride · 29/12/2013 21:22

He is definitely BU. He's acting like a child and should talk to you about parenting concerns in private when she is not around. It sounds like you need to work out what your roles are before the new baby comes. He should support you in your parenting and not throw a strop when an 8 year old acts like an 8 year old.

Sparklyblue · 29/12/2013 21:22

Posted too soon.
This is your daughters childhood, she only gets one. Protect it.

Bluestocking · 29/12/2013 21:24

He sounds like a horrible bully who will get progressively worse once he is competing for your attention with a newborn as well as your poor little DD. But I expect you know this already.

lilyaldrin · 29/12/2013 21:24

He's a dick!

You can't promise something to a child and then just change your mind at the last minute because you don't fancy it anymore.

You need to stick up for your DD - she's more important than some man you barely know.

BlackDaisies · 29/12/2013 21:24

That's not a nice way to treat your dd at all. He needs to apologise to her and start building bridges asap. Make sure your dd knows how you feel and that she has you looking out for her.

FudgefaceMcZ · 29/12/2013 21:25

That is completely intolerable. Your poor daughter. The bit about her being 'your daughter' and him doing his own thing is going to make her absolutely miserable when he has his 'own' child there as well. He needs to apologise. You should also not suddenly change plans like that when she has been promised something, unless there is a real reason- very stressful for both adults and children to suddenly be told that what they had expected is not happening, no wonder she was upset.

FunkyBoldRibena · 29/12/2013 21:25

Your daughter spends all day at the football and a building site without a squeak and then when it's her turn to get something nice you both dip out and he turns on her?

What the hell else was she meant to do? I'd be upset if I had escorted my OH at the footie and then a fucking building site on the promise of some food out and if he'd changed his mind and wasn't hungry I'd have been fuming.

Mim78 · 29/12/2013 21:25

He's being v unreasonable! She went along with his chosen plan. He shouldn't then withdraw the part she was looking forward to. He has a lot to learn about dealing with kids if he thinks this is reasonable.

SolidGoldBrass · 29/12/2013 21:25

If he treats your DD like this, he will treat your baby like this. It won't make any difference that the baby is 'his' - he will still insist on having his wishes gratified ahead of anyone else's. Get all the facts according to your circumstances (who owns the house, income, benefits etc) and give him one warning to improve his attitude or get binned.

Thisismyfirsttime · 29/12/2013 21:26

I think the things he said were out of order but to say them in front of your dd is really nasty. She doesn't need to hear any of that.

mrsjay · 29/12/2013 21:26

he is being an arse your daughter who is only 8 was promised dinner out you the adults should have took her and how can an 8 yr old know about emotional blackmail HE should get a reality check on how to parents 8yr olds he sounds an arsehole and and not a very good step parent for your child

LadyJx · 29/12/2013 21:26

You have both been unfair.

You promised your daughter her favorite restaurant and then because you decided you didn't fancy it you changed your mind, in turn letting your daughter down.

You both behaved poorly and I really do feel sorry for your DD in this situation as you both contributed to an unnecessary upset for her.

However your partner is now continuing his bad behavior and personally I think he is jealous which is ridiculous and childish. You need to have a word with him and tell him how unacceptable you find this.

YuffietheNinja · 29/12/2013 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anotherrandomusername · 29/12/2013 21:28

I know it's too late now, but you should have backed up your dd. It didn't matter that you weren't especially hungry, the treat was for her.

As far as the guy goes, you have my commiserations.

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2013 21:28

I have been with dp for just over a year, we are expecting a baby in new year (yes it was quick, we both decided we wanted a family together partly due to our ages and mainly because it felt right).

Not to your DD I bet.

So DP and DD have been building a relationship reasonably well,

And that should have happened before he moved in.

You two had better have a very long and serious talk. And if he isn't prepared to listen and start thinking about how to treat your DD, you are going to have to do some thinking of your own.

It will only get worse when you give birth to his child.