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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP's attitude towards dd

308 replies

lovelilies · 29/12/2013 21:15

Background info:
I have been with dp for just over a year, we are expecting a baby in new year (yes it was quick, we both decided we wanted a family together partly due to our ages and mainly because it felt right).
So, we live together as a family with my dd (now 8) from a previous relationship.
Dd's biological father has had no contact with her for years - his choice although he pays CSA. So DP and DD have been building a relationship reasonably well, except for dP being quite strict with her. There has been a massive bust up today, because we went for a day out and joined dp at the football (he wanted us to come) and to check on one of his houses where there is work being done. I know this isn't dd's idea of a fun family day out, but I wanted us to spend time together before baby comes. As it happens it was quite fun at the football, plan was to go to dd's favourite restaurant on the way home. DP and I weren't particularly hungry after match so dp said we'll go to restaurant another time. Dd got v upset and cried saying she'd been looking forward to it all day. DP accuses her of emotional blackmail, turning on the tears when she doesn't get what she wants. Then proceeds to go on and on, saying things like I've pandered to her for 8 years, she's MY daughter and we can just do what we want from now on and he'll do his own thing.... All this in front of dd. Sad now he's in a major sulk and won't talk to me or dd.
Is He BU? Or am I for not

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 29/12/2013 22:34

OP, I was going to write in support of you until I saw you had invited this twat onto your thread. Way to close down an avenue of support for you. Accidentally on purpose and you didn't think, right ?

You just let your daughter down again

HaroldTheGoat · 29/12/2013 22:37

Well don't spend any of that money OP.

And don't entertain buying a house.

Not for a long long time.

mrsjay · 29/12/2013 22:37

what AF said really

Tabliope · 29/12/2013 22:38

lovelilies, I wish you all the best. You are a good mother. You know this is not right. You've had it confirmed by our responses and I've no doubt if he doesn't shape up one way or another you'll give him the boot. Do not ever try and keep a man happy at the expense of your child's happiness and security. It would be an upheaval to start again if he doesn't sort himself out but better that than the long-term alternative of a little kid that will be damaged if you stay.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 29/12/2013 22:39

You sold your house?

That was your security, and your DDs. You have known this man a year. A year. And you sold your daughter's security for him.

waltermittymissus · 29/12/2013 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

MadAsFish · 29/12/2013 22:39

he's said we can sort it out ourselves

Of course. Because letting someone else in would be showing up just how unreasonable he's been, and they might not be as manipulable as you.

Original poster
lovelilies · 29/12/2013 22:39

How would showing him this close down an avenue of support? Am I being thick? I don't understand that. I showed him so he could see what he (and I )are s actually doing to her/me. I'm unable to express how i feel to him so I showed him this... I think it's sinking in.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 29/12/2013 22:40

And by then, you've probably bought a house together.

OP's OH if you are still reading, stop being a cunt.

I can't tell you how many pizza fucking huts I had to go to just because my OH's daughter wanted to go. And I went, smiled, laughed when she had to do the ice cream fucking factory and at the smilie faces she made with fucking chocolate buttons. Because that is what you do when you are a fucking step parent.

LadyJx · 29/12/2013 22:40

lovelilies

Good for you OP. It's so sad your 8 year old daughter has the knowledge to even suggest that but not that it's worth alot I think you are doing the right thing.

Good luck. If you ever need to chat I am sure there are multiple people on this thread including myself that would support through PM.

I hope showing him this thread has shed light on his bad behavior. In future though please please please stand up for your DD, like my DD they only have us to back their corner.

x

Mabelface · 29/12/2013 22:41

What HE says doesn't necessarily have to be what goes, and he needs to realise that his word is not law! I would suggest that he moves out and you take things a lot slower than you have done, maybe giving him a chance to grow the fuck up and realise that it's not all about him. If you're living apart, then you get the chance to regrow those balls and respect yourself. If he loves you as he says he does, he'll do whatever it takes to rebuild the relationship. However, personally, I would still be telling him to get to fuck for treating your DD so badly.

To him - you're not a fucking CHILD!

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 29/12/2013 22:42

He's done a right number on you OP, and you've fallen for it hook, line and sinker. He'll grow up, he'll do something she likes, he'll sort it out himself, yadda, yadda, yadda. Your DD is the only mature person in your sham of a family. You just said 'one more chance' twice in your last post. Earlier on in the thread you implied he'd treated her badly previously. Just how many one more chances is this man going to get? Sad

FunkyBoldRibena · 29/12/2013 22:42

But I have to say, if your 8 yr old daughter has suggested seeking support then perhaps you had better listen to her. She seems to be the most mature out of the lot of you.

MatryoshkaDoll · 29/12/2013 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadAsFish · 29/12/2013 22:43

A 1988 study of child murders in the US found that children are 100 times more often killed by a "non-biological parent (e.g. step-parent, co-habitee or boyfriend/girlfriend of a biological parent)" than by a biological parent

Source:Roach, J. (2011). "Evolution and the Prevention of Violent Crime". Psychology 02 (4): 393–357. doi:10.4236/psych.2011.24062

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 29/12/2013 22:44

OP, get your daughter on here. We might be able to support her instead

But don't let the twat see.

BakerStreetSaxRift · 29/12/2013 22:44

Lovelilies

Maybe a name change is in order and post on relationships, there are people there who can help you get out of this.

Your daughter is relying on you and you alone to keep her safe and to feel loved.

That an 8 year old has suggested family therapy (did I read that right?) is heartbreaking.

Lottiedoubtie · 29/12/2013 22:45

Because if he is an abuser you have handed him the tools to manipulate you further.

You might recognise this if in a few hours/days/weeks/months he finds a way to control you MN usage. When this happens again or something of a similar ilk, you might not stand up to him, or he might react differently making it impossible for you to do so.

Either he is an immature fuckwit who will benefit from family counselling and MUST go.

Or he is an abuser who should not take part in group counselling with you and your DD.

If it's the latter, please kick him out, tonight.

LadyJx · 29/12/2013 22:46

FFS she is trying her hardest to rectify the situation for DD and the family without ripping it apart. Leave your LTB's at the door. If DD is wanting to speak to someone it is also a sign that she wants to work on the relationship between herself and SF. Give the OP a break, she is doing her best.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 29/12/2013 22:47

Feel so sorry for this poor little girl, 3 main adults in her life, and shes more mature than all of them.

If any man, even once treated my DD like an arsehole, he'd be on his arse out the door, before he could even utter an excuse, because shes my life, love and soul, no one will ever come before her in my affections.

Upcycled · 29/12/2013 22:47

I am sorry your dd had to go through this.

LadyJx · 29/12/2013 22:47

MadAsFish What is the need. Grow up.

waltermittymissus · 29/12/2013 22:47

She most certainly is NOT doing her fucking best.

MadAsFish · 29/12/2013 22:48

How would showing him this close down an avenue of support?

He's seen our very negative responses, our responses mean he doesn't get what he wants/can't do as he likes/can't continue to gaslight you, and he knows your MN nick.
Do you think he's going to stay happy about your accessing this place?

Upcycled · 29/12/2013 22:48

I would have left him on the spot and went with dd to the restaurant. Please take note of this if you are still going to stay with him.