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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP's attitude towards dd

308 replies

lovelilies · 29/12/2013 21:15

Background info:
I have been with dp for just over a year, we are expecting a baby in new year (yes it was quick, we both decided we wanted a family together partly due to our ages and mainly because it felt right).
So, we live together as a family with my dd (now 8) from a previous relationship.
Dd's biological father has had no contact with her for years - his choice although he pays CSA. So DP and DD have been building a relationship reasonably well, except for dP being quite strict with her. There has been a massive bust up today, because we went for a day out and joined dp at the football (he wanted us to come) and to check on one of his houses where there is work being done. I know this isn't dd's idea of a fun family day out, but I wanted us to spend time together before baby comes. As it happens it was quite fun at the football, plan was to go to dd's favourite restaurant on the way home. DP and I weren't particularly hungry after match so dp said we'll go to restaurant another time. Dd got v upset and cried saying she'd been looking forward to it all day. DP accuses her of emotional blackmail, turning on the tears when she doesn't get what she wants. Then proceeds to go on and on, saying things like I've pandered to her for 8 years, she's MY daughter and we can just do what we want from now on and he'll do his own thing.... All this in front of dd. Sad now he's in a major sulk and won't talk to me or dd.
Is He BU? Or am I for not

OP posts:
Mabelface · 29/12/2013 22:07

Okay, then I'm going to speak directly to him.

Right Mister, this child was here before you and deserves to continue to be treated with the same love, respect and consideration that she has been used to since before you came along. There are NO excuses for you to treat her badly, that just makes you the worst kind of bully. Don't you feel pathetic because you're picking on a small child? Discipline and parenting is something that her MOTHER will do, not you and to be honest, you don't seem to deserve this family at all with the attitude you have. You've treated the child and her mother like shit just so you can get your own sweet way. What makes you think that you're number one and your needs should come first? You should be bloody cherishing the mother of your unborn child and her child that is part of her. Sort your fucking life out, you should be ashamed of yourself.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 29/12/2013 22:08

LadyJx To me it is an easy decision. Her child's welfare is at stake here. Fwiw I'm a single parent and when I was pregnant with DS I found out my ex was cheating, so I told him to leave. I'm not saying leaving will be easy when pregnant or that being on your own with a newborn is easy (it isn't) but surely it's better than the alternative? The OP walks on egg shells on a daily basis, she and her DD are at the mercy of this man. What kind of life is that? What kind of future?

OP, if you have money from the sale of your house take it and rent your own place for 6 or 12 months. You've been a single parent before, you can do it again.

pigletmania · 29/12/2013 22:10

Yabvu poor dd was looking forward to the restaurant all day, Mabel the highlight of her day just because you were not hungry. You could have had something light! Your dh is acting like an arse, and you need to gave a big talk with him!

PicardyThird · 29/12/2013 22:12

Your poor dd! And yes, you have let her down too.

Take her to the restaurant tomorrow, no matter what tantrum your dp throws. Ring your parents/a sibling/friend, whoever will be the most reliable support to you, and warn them you may need help/support over the next few weeks, perhaps including the birth. Make sure your dp does apologise, appropriately, to your dd. Tell him that an apology is not enough, that he needs to consider her needs and consider her part of the family, and if he won't do that, you want him to leave. If the thought of doing that makes you afraid of his reaction, call parents etc. as above and ask them to come and be with you.

Adeleh · 29/12/2013 22:12

He was rotten to your DD, and it might do him some good to read this thread.

HissymasJumper · 29/12/2013 22:13

It takes on average 2 years for an abuser to show their colours.

Abuse often starts during pregnancy or soon after.

Open your eyes woman and make the decision to protect yourself and your children.

Hallofmirrors · 29/12/2013 22:13

If your dd has a mother who loves and protects her then she has a 'proper family' of the best sort. You can choose to be this to her. I know that you are feeling vulnerable right now, and so is she, but you are the adult and have the choices that she doesn't have.

AllOverIt · 29/12/2013 22:13

Your poor DD Sad What a twat he is.

LadyJx · 29/12/2013 22:13

SoftKittyWarmKitty My DD was 7 weeks when I left so I am not against it but there could be other options before upping a leaving. Some form of therapy for example.

I am not saying she shouldn't leave if that what she thinks is best but the resolution is not always LTB. Like I have suggested a possible break may be enough for them to get on track as a family

pigletmania · 29/12/2013 22:14

Op I have just read the rest, you need to stop pandering to him and out your dd and child first, you need to gave a massive talk with him. Grow a pair, see how it goes, if it still continues, leave!

pigletmania · 29/12/2013 22:16

Put out

pigletmania · 29/12/2013 22:18

Take dd out to the restaurant tomorrow, give 'd' p the option of going, if he tries a strop you go with your dd alone without!

Valdeeves · 29/12/2013 22:18

Lily - it's as simple as this - what kind of relationship do you want with your daughter in the future?
Do you want her to resent you as an adult?
She will you know, any man who can be that unkind to an 8 year old is going to make her really resent you - because you brought him into her life.

Valdeeves · 29/12/2013 22:19

Sorry to be so negative when you are pregnant - but your post made me sad for your DD.
Good luck with your new baby xxx

Tabliope · 29/12/2013 22:19

Don't go buying a house with him now for a while until you can trust him. Sorry but with me he'd be on probation. He was awful to your DD. You're her only advocate that she is treated fairly by him and you need to do it otherwise you're shoring up problems for the future. Your DD's reaction was normal and thankfully she hasn't been cowed by his attitude towards her - yet! Make sure it doesn't happen. Sorry but what a shitty bully he is. I hope he reads that.

MoreThanChristmasCrackers · 29/12/2013 22:20

You have both let this child down and I feel so sorry for her.
I have 3 dc and no way would I move somebody into their lives until I knew them. A year is nothing and pregnant after 3 months is ridiculous.
I'm sorry to give you a hard time because it must be hard, your nerves sound raw and I know you think he is unreasonable yourself.
You must put your children first or they will never forgive you.

Valdeeves · 29/12/2013 22:22

I am glad there is enough honesty between you to show him this thread.

Tabliope · 29/12/2013 22:22

The other thing you need to think about is it's not looking good for your 'D'P treating both kids fairly. You must feel like hell trapped with him at 38 weeks pregnant, house sold etc but you can sort it out. Just make sure you and your kids are protected now and in 5 or 10 years down the line so you have a back-up plan if it all turns to shit it's not looking too good to be honest

Writerwannabe83 · 29/12/2013 22:24

I feel very sorry for your daughter. When this man's 'real child' comes along I fear your daughter will be treated horrendously, probably even ignored. A very, very sad situation.

waltermittymissus · 29/12/2013 22:28

So, you move in with a man you barely know and get pregnant by him, thereby uprooting an 8 year old child and taking away the security of her home.

You proceed to allow him to mistreat her by being "strict" (and I think we all know what that means in these situations) so that you can appease a grown man.

You take her to a bloody football match and a house being renovated for some "family time". She behaves well even though this is a shit day for her and she's being bullied by this stranger whose been dumped on her.

The one thing she has to look forward to in this shitty day is a treat at her favourite restaurant. And then, because two adults who've promised her the treat decide they're not hungry she's told: actually, no. You're not getting it.

She gets understandably upset and is villified by a GROWN MAN and you sit and say fuck all. Have I got that right?

Wow.

waltermittymissus · 29/12/2013 22:29

Oh, and if you're still letting him read this:

You're a prick and a bully and just because OP can't or won't see through you, doesn't mean other people can't.

You're text book, mate. And it doesn't make for pleasant reading.

HappyMummyOfOne · 29/12/2013 22:29

Your poor DD. She needs to know her mum puts her first and always will if you are to have a decent relationship with her when shes older.

She has already had to endure a man moving in she doesnt know who will soon have his own child which will overshadow her. She had no choice in that at all but had to live with it.

Sheer madness to have planned another child so soon, you are an adult so make your own choices but she has no such luxury.

Dubjackeen · 29/12/2013 22:31

And for the record I would have kicked off majorly if I had had such a cold shitty and boring day and the promise of my favourite dinner was taken away from me. And I'm 24.

+1, and I am a lot more than 24. OP, please read the signals, and protect your DD, she is only 8. If you dont look out for her, who does?

bringbacksideburns · 29/12/2013 22:32

I take it he has no children of his own? How old is he and what is his relationship like with his own parents? He clearly seems to treat an 8 year old little girl much older than she is and has little patience.

Yes, you have rushed into it. You should have been completely certain they got on fabulously before even considering more children but i'm sure you know that by now.

He may be able to turn this round but what worries me is your comments like The reason I went along with skipping the restaurant was to try and keep dp happy - Priorities totally wrong there. You'd just done two things to make a grown man happy, disappointed your daughter and he still sulked like a big kid.
Big warning signs that you already feel like you are walking on eggshells, have only been with him a short time and haven't even had the baby yet. I hope you have good friends and family and wish you the best with the Birth.

Original poster
lovelilies · 29/12/2013 22:34

He's saying he will grow up, spend time doing something she wants.
He's all contrite now he's seen this (and I am finally standing up for dd).
I guess I'll give him one more chance, even dd suggested talking 'to someone' as a family I.e therapy of some sort, but he's said we can sort it out ourselves. What a fucking mess. However I'm not going to feel sorry for myself (that's his department). One more chance or it's curtains. I used to have balls, I don't know what happened!!!

OP posts: