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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP's attitude towards dd

308 replies

lovelilies · 29/12/2013 21:15

Background info:
I have been with dp for just over a year, we are expecting a baby in new year (yes it was quick, we both decided we wanted a family together partly due to our ages and mainly because it felt right).
So, we live together as a family with my dd (now 8) from a previous relationship.
Dd's biological father has had no contact with her for years - his choice although he pays CSA. So DP and DD have been building a relationship reasonably well, except for dP being quite strict with her. There has been a massive bust up today, because we went for a day out and joined dp at the football (he wanted us to come) and to check on one of his houses where there is work being done. I know this isn't dd's idea of a fun family day out, but I wanted us to spend time together before baby comes. As it happens it was quite fun at the football, plan was to go to dd's favourite restaurant on the way home. DP and I weren't particularly hungry after match so dp said we'll go to restaurant another time. Dd got v upset and cried saying she'd been looking forward to it all day. DP accuses her of emotional blackmail, turning on the tears when she doesn't get what she wants. Then proceeds to go on and on, saying things like I've pandered to her for 8 years, she's MY daughter and we can just do what we want from now on and he'll do his own thing.... All this in front of dd. Sad now he's in a major sulk and won't talk to me or dd.
Is He BU? Or am I for not

OP posts:
MatryoshkaDoll · 29/12/2013 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyJx · 29/12/2013 21:43

SoftKittyWarmKitty she is also pregnant with his child. I doubt her options are quite as black and white as you make out.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 29/12/2013 21:44

Sorry, my last post should have said if she stays it will ruin her DD's childhood, self esteem and memories. If she leaves it will protect them.

Mabelface · 29/12/2013 21:45

Lady, I wasn't offended. I was cross with the twat she's introduced to her daughter.

missymayhemsmum · 29/12/2013 21:46

You can't tolerate this behaviour. Your daughter was promised a treat and behaved like an 8 year old when you changed your plans.
Make clear to him that he must never criticise your parenting in front of your daughter, or over-react like this. he should apologise to your daughter. You need to agree ground rules for how you plan to treat each other and your daughter in future. It sounds like he's also feeling under pressure and struggling with the realities of his new family, which is understandable, and maybe you need to relax about 'trying to spend time as a family', give some time to your daughter and give your fella some space?

But if you can't have this conversation in an adult, reasonable way without feeling scared then end the relationship now and get him out of your home. You have to put your daughter first.

NinjaBunny · 29/12/2013 21:46

DP and I weren't particularly hungry after match so dp said we'll go to restaurant another time.

What about you DD? Was she hungry?

Or did no one ask her?

FayeKorgasm · 29/12/2013 21:46

Did you say you weren't hungry to keep him on side?

Was it easier to disappoint your daughter than disagree with your OH?

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 29/12/2013 21:47

No-one has to stay in a relationship, pregnant or not. Especially a relationship where the mother's first child is being bullied by her new partner.

Original poster
lovelilies · 29/12/2013 21:48

Yes, I do tread on eggshells and pander to dp. Fuck knows why. He's always making promises that he'll try harder with her and loves us both, and I'm gullible enough to believe him. The reason I went along with skipping the restaurant was to try and keep dp happy, I did say we'd go and just have a drink, but by then the mood had changed and he was already in a mood, saying I shouldn't pander to her. Sad
I have apologised to dd. I need to grow up, and stop listening to his empty promises. I realise that now.

OP posts:
LadyJx · 29/12/2013 21:49

Yeah I think her partner has acted like a that. So had she.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 29/12/2013 21:50

It's good that you can see what's really happening here, OP. The question now is, what are you going to do about it?

mrsjay · 29/12/2013 21:51

does this man live in your house full time ? i would punt him out till he can behave like a decent human being why are you allowing your daughter and yourself being treated like this

MonsterMunchMe · 29/12/2013 21:51

I have a 6yr old DS. If any guy did this to him he'd be drop kicked out of my eyeline forever. Pronto. 38 weeks pregnant or not, you know he will just get worse towards your DD when new baby comes. I feel so sorry for her.

And for the record I would have kicked off majorly if I had had such a cold shitty and boring day and the promise of my favourite dinner was taken away from me. And I'm 24.

lunar1 · 29/12/2013 21:51

Whose house are you in? Does your dd have a grandparent she can stay with if you won't protect her?

MatryoshkaDoll · 29/12/2013 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hallofmirrors · 29/12/2013 21:52

So what do you think you should do now?

Mabelface · 29/12/2013 21:52

You know, lovelilies, you don't have to pander to anyone to keep them sweet. In a normal, grown up relationship, each partner is on an equal footing and support and offer compromise. If he's like this in such a short time, he'll be hell later on. Was it his idea for you to get pregnant after such a short time? I bet it was. He's a controller, love, and it'll only get worse if you don't take that control back. You and your daughter deserve far better.

Dawndonnaagain · 29/12/2013 21:53

I have been with dh for twenty years. We have four children together, the fact that the first one was eight when we got together is completely and utterly irrelevant. He calls him son, and ds1 calls him dad. He would not be here if he had ever spoken to ds1 as your partner speaks to your dd. I know you have said you will sort it, but please do because otherwise your dd will resent you for it forever. She and baby come first. Dp last at the moment.

mrsjay · 29/12/2013 21:53

if HE is like this now with a little 8yr old what is he going to be like when her hormones kick in and she hits her teen years and you will be placating a bully of a partner so he does not have a go at your child PLUS you will have a young child do deal with, what will you do when that child kicks off having a toddler tantrum

Original poster
lovelilies · 29/12/2013 21:53

Fuck knows. I sold my bloody house so we can buy somewhere together, we're currently renting a house I can't afford by myself, and being on mat leave can't even get a mortgage to buy somewhere for us.
I'm angry with myself for being so crap to dd, and in trying to get her a 'proper' family, I've fucked up royally.

OP posts:
LadyJx · 29/12/2013 21:54

SoftKittyWarmKitty

I agree but it still isn't an easy decision for OP to take. Although I can't understand why a single parent would jump into having a child knowing what they have both been through before, it is a situation again that she is facing and that must be scary as hell.

OP You have admitted to pandering to your husband but not fulfilling a promise (he deemed as pandering) to and 8 year old child. I really think you need to take a step back and evaluate what you are saying. You are effectively putting a grown mans interests before DD. You need to take a look at your relationship with this man and see the effect on your DD.

NinjaBunny · 29/12/2013 21:54

He owns properties, yes?

So he has somewhere to go?

Time to say goodbye to him , OP.

You have your DD and your new baby. You don't need him.

We'll help you. Where are you?

LadyJx · 29/12/2013 21:54

Sorry partner not husband

edwinbear · 29/12/2013 21:54

Your dd comes before your dp. If he wasn't hungry, he could have gone home and you and dd should have gone. Or you should have all gone and just had a starter or something. Whatever the logistics, you can't withdraw a promise like that, she relies on you, as her mum, to back her up. I expect your dd feels pushed out enough as it is and now she has learned that her needs come last. Sad.

FayeKorgasm · 29/12/2013 21:55

I thought so.

It won't get better. E A will escalate once you have your baby. Your DD and baby need a stable home and a relaxed mother. You won't be able to provide that in this relationship.

Please don't put this arse and his tyranny ahead if your children.