DP's attitude towards dd

[lovelilies]

Background info:
I have been with dp for just over a year, we are expecting a baby in new year (yes it was quick, we both decided we wanted a family together partly due to our ages and mainly because it felt right).
So, we live together as a family with my dd (now 8) from a previous relationship.
Dd's biological father has had no contact with her for years - his choice although he pays CSA. So DP and DD have been building a relationship reasonably well, except for dP being quite strict with her. There has been a massive bust up today, because we went for a day out and joined dp at the football (he wanted us to come) and to check on one of his houses where there is work being done. I know this isn't dd's idea of a fun family day out, but I wanted us to spend time together before baby comes. As it happens it was quite fun at the football, plan was to go to dd's favourite restaurant on the way home. DP and I weren't particularly hungry after match so dp said we'll go to restaurant another time. Dd got v upset and cried saying she'd been looking forward to it all day. DP accuses her of emotional blackmail, turning on the tears when she doesn't get what she wants. Then proceeds to go on and on, saying things like I've pandered to her for 8 years, she's MY daughter and we can just do what we want from now on and he'll do his own thing.... All this in front of dd. now he's in a major sulk and won't talk to me or dd.
Is He BU? Or am I for not

All of you who are abusing the OP are just as bad as her abusive partner. You're all as arseholey as each other!

Nobody is abusing her FFS!

The name calling was bad, yes. But that was ONE poster on ONE post which was subsequently deleted.

But, really, people posting in support of her vulnerable 8 year old dd are as bad as the man who is abusing her? Really?

And you calling people arseholey is....what?

I said the way people are acting towards the OP is very poor. I never called her a selfish bitch or compared her to a convicted child abuser!

People who are vulnerable and in difficult relationships need support to get out, not berating. She knows she is hurting her child, she needs help, not criticism!

Why wouldnt someone criticise someone who knew they were hurting their child but wasnt doing anything to stop it. I could be wrong, Op couldve kicked dp out and got her priorities in order lastnight...doubtful though. I know how harsh i sound but what use is yet another poster saying there there? I GET that she will need support to leave but i dont think she even has considered this as a realistic possibility. She has some money from the sale of her house, presumably enough to set up in rented accomadation for her and dcs so is in a better position than most woman who have to use refuges etc. I know i sound rambly etc but i think if a person cant convey enough passion about leaving etc over an internet forum whats tbe hope in rl?
I have dug myself a hole here so i know WHATEVER i post now is going to get flamed and so be it.

I hate these threads and react strongly for the same reason as lots of others, because the OP always makes excuses for the DP and never seems to put their child first.

Some child being treated poorly should make people angry.

Also, it was mentioned upthread but not picked up on by the OP, if this is what the P says in front of the child's mother, what does he say to the dd when the child's not in earshot? What does he do to the dd when the OP is not in earshot/not around?

Needaholiday - IIRC, you're frequently complaining about being a stepmother and your post on here was to minimise a stepchild being treated like dirt. I don't usually bring up threads on other threads, but I think it's appropriate here.

OP had already said she'd gone to do some soul searching and people continued to berate her. I hope she's taken the advice, name changed for advice and posted elsewhere!

You know, when men grumble about women "pandering" to their children, what they mean is, they are really pissed off that the focus of energy, attention and care is the child, not the man.

In the case of the man here, it's projection - he's managed to train the OP to pander to him at the expense of her DD's welfare and her own.

He shows all the classic red flags of an abuser OP and you need to be aware of it. Change your Mumsnet name so he can't intercept the support you will undoubtedly need to access from here if you stay with this awful man.

That thing of managing to persuade you to sell your security while keeping his own? Whaaaaa?

No decent man would have done this. If I met someone now who had kids and his own home, I wouldn't dream of agreeing with him that he should sell his asset and their security, while I kept my own. I just wouldn't think I had that right, I wouldn't be so reckless with someone else's future. And tbh I wouldn't think much of a man who was willing to do that - I'd wonder why he didn't have more care for his children. Even if I didn't love him or want to have another child with him. Even if he were only a passing acquaintance. And yet he's felt comfortable for you to do that?

I think you know you're in trouble don't you. Don't ever put your trust in him and don't ever put his wants above your child's needs. Good luck OP.

I should think most 8 year olds know about therapy. I doubt they know what 'family therapy' entails, unless they have a friend doing it, but they'd know of its existence from television, magazines and newspapers. Some people are going to extreme lengths to find sticks to beat OP with.

It is really horrible to start seeing you've been duped by someone who says they love you; even more so when your child shows distress at the way this person treats them, and when you're heavily pregnant! It'd be bloody surprising if a poster got her head round all that, ditched the bloke and rebalanced her finances, all in the space of 24 hours.

... I have seen a couple of OPs do it, though

I don't think it's on to take away a promised treat unless the reasons for doing so were unavoidable.

Your poor dd :-(

I wonder if there could be time made in the school curriculum to teach children how family life should be, how relationship[s should be, what is right and wrong and how to get help when things are going badly. Lessons in how you don't need a man or a baby to feel complete. How being on your own can be really great as it is what you make it and how self esteem for yourself and security for your children are the most important things you can achieve.

OP letting him see this thread was a really bad decision.

I wish your child luck. She is going to need it .

I dont know if citizenship lessons could kind of branch into that toffee, but even then i think (well at least when i was at school) they only teach that in secondary schoools.
Its just a case of niavely hoping that every child will have somebody they can go to with some kind of moral compass who can give them guidence on such issues, which sadly wont be the case in this day and age

I don't think our education system can do that tbh because it undermines the family and there's no way the state would allow that.

Lots of families are abusive. As long as they don't directly cost the state money, it doesn't really mind that much.

I wonder if there could be time made in the school curriculum to teach children how family life should be

A state-sanctioned family life was a popular educational topic in Germany 1933-45. It's got rather a bad name since then.

Obviously that wasn't anything remotely like I was suggesting. friday16.

The fact is, there are people ill equipped to bring up a well rounded human being having children and there needs to be proper support for a child who finds themselves in a horrible situation. Children don't know who to turn too and if they do things aren't always done or the people meant to be helping take too much notice of the parents and not the child. It has taken 30 years for it to be policy that social workers talk to children without their parent there. Surely that is common sense.

I worry for some of the children in this country to be honest. There seem to be so many living in abusive situation with parents who are unable or unwilling to give them what they need.

Have only read the OP, sorry. My xh was like this to my dd, though I would have taken her side and been told I was 'always' taking her side. Ever argument we had came down to DD in some way. We are no longer together. It took me too long to leave. It is your dd's childhood here, it is precious.

They say hindsight is a good thing; foresight is an ever better thing.

If this situation doesn't change, your dd will start trying to find other ways of getting your attention. I know you are about to have a baby and It's difficult to think straight & you want to keep the peace. But while you'rertending to his (unrealistic) 'needs' and (unwittingly) ignoring your dd's needs, there will never be a happy ending.

Have you got family & friends nearby, op?

I feel for you, I really do.

Source: I've been there.

We do teach what healthy relationships look like in PSHCE, but unfortunately a lot of the damage has been done by then. We have 14 year-old girls who think that it is okay for their boyfriends to call them slags and give them a slap.

anyfucker is right: you've given manipulative man access to your one line of support.

Why, OP?

He will now have the tools to manipulate you and dd further.

We are here for you and your precious child, not him.

And you don't think He'll use this post against you? If he ignores two females who he claims to love, why on earth would he listen to female strangers on a forum?

Your poor daughter. She went along with what you both wanted to do and then, at the last minute you cancelled the one activity of the day that had been for her.

No wonder she was upset.

I can understand looking forward to going for a meal at a favourite restaurant. So she cried, she's eight fgs! That was not emotional blackmail it was a childish reaction by a young child.

Your DP's childish reaction is the problem. In fact his attitude to your DD seems concerning. He is strict with her? She's your DD you get to set the parenting tone, not him. You are going to have to be very careful not to let your DP become a bully to your daughter.